What have I done..

I still hid my habit from the people around me... from co-workers, friends, family and girls.. I had to maintain some resemblance of a normal life..

I used to help my grandmother out all the time... I loved her more than anything in this world. She was so good to me.. I used to do her grocery shopping, cleaning and pick up her prescriptions and other things from the pharmacy... she would always give me money for doing this... and I would mow her lawn or shovel snow for money..

I was broke one day..  and I was sick.. She called me and asked me to go to the store for her.. I was feeling the effects of withdrawal, and I needed 20 dollars.. so I said yes, and figured I could borrow it off of her.

She needed eye drops and a few other things.. I told her I was going out for supper with my friends tonight.. She told me she'd give me 10 dollars for going to the store..  but the pill I needed was 20..

I called Marcus and asked him if he'd sell me one for 10 dollars, and I'd pay him the other ten next time I was there... he said no..

I hung up the phone.. my grandmother told me to grab 30 dollars.. 20 for the store.. and 10 for me..
When I opened her purse.. there was hundreds of dollars in it.. I loved my grandmother, and I never once thought about stealing from her... but when I saw all that money.. I knew I could make sure I wasn't sick that day.. I slipped out an extra 10 dollar bill.. and rationalized that I would pay her back...

I went back into the kitchen.. my heart was pounding.. I felt rotten.. but I convinced myself I would put 10 dollars back as soon as I got it..

I told her I'd be back in 30 minutes, told her I loved her, and kissed her on the cheek.. I loved this woman.. she was a saint.. I can't believe I did this to her.. if I had of just asked her for 10 more dollars, she probably would have given it to me..

Before I left.. I grabbed a spoon from the kitchen.. and went to see Marcus..

"give me a 12" I said.. "do you have the whole 20?" .. I pulled out the money.. and he handed me the capsule. I asked if I could use his bathroom, and he said "fine..but be quick"
I went in, and poured the beads from the capsule on the tank of the toilet.. I covered the beads with the 20 dollar bill I was gonna use at the store... I crushed them up with the spoon I took..
I took the bill and scrapped the powder off of it. I made my lines and snorted it..

At this point in my life.. I was physically addicted to opiates.. I felt like throwing up.. I had cramps, body aches and a pounding headache.. I just thought I was sick.. until I walked out of the dealers house.. and started walking to the store..

My stomach made weird noises.. i could feel it tighten up.. I felt warm, my headache went away... I didn't feel sick anymore.. and I finally felt hungry.. I felt like a normal human being again... I instantly started to worry... I wasn't just sick.. I was addicted to snorting painkillers.. I was acting different.. I wasn't myself.. I was doing things I would never ever think of doing.. I was losing control..

I convinced myself I had to slow down, and find a way to get off of them...

I went to the store, and bought what she needed.. it came to 11 dollars.. I paid with the 20 dollars bill I just used to do drugs with.. it looked all beat up, it had little bumps all over it, and it was kind of curling at the ends from when I rolled it up.. I was becoming everything I hated..

Walking back to my grandmothers, I felt bad for what I did.. I started getting higher.. and the guilt slipped away.. I walked in the door, and she was really happy to see me.. she loved me so much.. she was so proud of me for helping her out..I got out her eye drops, and put them in for her..

I handed her the receipt ,and the 9 dollars change.. She told me to keep it..

What have I done?.. If I had of just waited 20 more minutes.. I wouldn't have needed to do this.. what was I thinking?

I went back into the living room.. where she kept her purse.. And slipped the 9 dollars back in..

The next day I got paid from work.. I was at my nans again.. and I put another dollar in her purse..I still felt guilty.. but not as bad.. I convinced myself I just borrowed it. It's not stealing as long as you put it back right? .. That was the addiction talking..

I love and miss you nan.. and I'm sorry for what I did.. I wish you were still here.. I always keep you close to my heart..


-Neil.