Backing myself into a corner..

Eventually the lies you tell catch up with you.. Sometimes you lie to get yourself out of that lie..
But lying eventually catches up to you.. You end up lying more, and eventually you believe your own lies.. When you're an addict.. Lies are your life.. They’re all you have to maintain some connection to reality.. To trick yourself that everything is ok.. And that you're still a good person. But soon enough, even the best lie unravels.. Then people will start pulling the strings... and soon enough, you're made... you're found out...



- Another shitty morning.. No drugs, no money.. And the sickness is back.. "Feed me, fill me, do anything you can to satisfy me"

So I'm still tapped out.. I can't borrow any money from anyone.. So I figure I’ll make up a lie, and go to my grandmothers again..

I told her I needed 20 dollars to go out with friends or something along those lines..
I told her I would do work for her to pay her back.. She told me "I can't keep doing this Neil.. Now grab my purse.."

I had mixed emotions, on one hand.. I was upset I was doing this, lying to my own grandmother to get money for drugs.. But on the other hand.. I was so excited I was getting a pill..

I remember as soon as I put her purse back.. It hit me.. I felt even sicker..

This happened to me every time I was close to getting a pill... my stomach would wrench, and I would need to throw up.. I ran upstairs.. And violently threw up.. I didn't eat anything that morning, so it burned, and it brought tears to my eyes.. After I was done.. I remember splashing water into my face..
"Is this really what my life had become? Is this how it's going to be?.. Who am I? I don't even know myself anymore.. "

I swished some mouthwash, and spit it out.. I liked the burn of it, and the clean feeling after such a horrible taste in my mouth.. It was almost as good as the high from the pills..

I looked on the shelf in front of me in the bathroom.. There was a medicine cup, and there were two 2mg pills in it..

"Why wait to go to the drug dealers? Why not just take some pills now, do them.. And then save your money?" "She'll never use her entire prescription before the months out.. No one will know"

That's all the convincing I needed... I snuck down the stairs as slow as I could..
The medicine cabinet was right beside the kitchen, where my grandmother was.. Reading her paper in her chair..

I could reach it from the stairs.. I opened it up as quietly as I could.. And reached in and grabbed the bottle..

I popped the top open, and dumped some pills on the carpeted stairs as slowly as I could.. I couldn’t make any noise..

I put the pill bottle back exactly where it was.. And lined the cap up the way it was when I opened it.. I closed the medicine cabinet and scooped the pills up.. As soon as I did and got to the bottom of the stairs.. My Nan said "Neil, what are you doing?"

I panicked, and said " I just grabbed a gravol .. I'm not feeling too well, my stomach was upset..
She said "are you sure you're ok dear? You can lay down here if you want"
I told her I would.. I just had to use the bathroom again first..

The love this women had for me was un-real.. I believe even if she knew I was there she wouldn't have said anything.. She trusted me.. And I broke that trust..

I wasn't high yet.. And I felt guilty.. I felt like scum.. And I was scum..
I didn't care about anyone but myself..

Walking up the stairs.. My stomach wrenched again.. And I threw up as soon as I was in the bathroom..
I dry heaved.. And coughed.. And cried..
Why me? Why was I a drug addict.. I'm not even 17 years old..

I splashed water in my face.. And used the mouthwash.. Then went to work crushing my pills..
I took 10.. But I only crushed up 6.. I got my tolerance back down to 12mg's.. Because that was only 20 bucks.. I could maintain that every day..

I did the 6 pills, gagged after snorting every one of them.. And cleaned myself up..

I went downstairs.. With 4 pills and 20 dollars in my pocket.. With my hand over it the whole time.. I wasn't losing this.. This was my ticket to freedom.. I didn't have to worry for the rest of the day, or tomorrow.. "Thank god" I thought..

My Nan went into the living room.. And was watching TV.. I sat down on the chair beside her.. And drank a coffee.. And talked to her for a few hours.. She was so interesting... this woman did so much..
I loved her more than words can describe.. I wish I didn't steal from her and lie to her.. But I loved her so much.. She was my Nan.. She watched me every day after work for mom... we came over for lunch during the week at high school.. She was always there for us.. She was an amazing person..

I gave her a hug, and kissed her cheek.. Put her eye drops in then left.. Every day it felt like her hugs were stronger.. Like she knew there was something wrong with me.. Like she was losing the real me..

I walked out the door, and lit a cigarette.. I still felt great from the drugs.. But I had guilt building up.. These lies were beginning to be too much to handle.. My life was spinning out of control..

I went to see Marcus.. Bought another pill for 20 dollars.. Then made the long walk back to my parents’ house.. The whole time thinking what I have become.. What I am, and where I'll be in a few years from now..

The next morning, we got a call that my grandmother fell down... They think it was from taking too much of her medication.. She was in the hospital.. Banged up, but ok.. My aunt, who is a nurse, said she may have taken extra medication, because it looked like some was missing...