from yellow to white... my makeup post for valentines day..

Monday morning... I ran to school, I didn't even brush my teeth.. I just grabbed my money and went..

I felt sick.. but I didn't think it was addiction at the time.. I just thought I wasn't feeling good, maybe coming down with the flu..
I was waiting in the hallway by the front door... waiting for this guy to show up... class started at 8:50am, and it must have been 8:40am.. I was pacing... I was scared he wasn't coming... what would I do? what the hell would happen if he couldn't get them.. what if his dad caught him... I was scared shitless he wasn't going to show up..

This should have been an alarm that I'm becoming addicted... but it didn't register.. It changes the way you think. You think the only important thing is maintaining the feeling of euphoria.. nothing else. Fuck school, fuck girls, fuck my family and friends.. just give me these pills.. That was my attitude.. and it makes me sick to my stomach to think I could have actually been like that.. That wasn't me... these drugs were changing me fast.. and I didn't even know it..

The bell rang... and I was freaking... I had no pills left.. I couldn't go to class without them... I was ignoring everyone who said hi to me.. and just did my own thing... this wasn't like me.. I was usually chilling with my friends, and telling stories about the weekend, laughing about all the crazy stuff we did..

I saw him run through the door, on his way to class... I had to actually stop him.. he said " I have them, but wait till recess.. I told him I couldn't wait.. and I'd give him 5 extra bucks to meet me in the bathroom now... he did, and I gave him the 25 bucks.. for 19 pills..

I got my kit out, crushed a pill, and snorted it... this pill was twice as strong as the 4's.. but I didn't really think of that at the time.. I just wanted to get high and head to class..

I showed up late, running into class.. I brushed my teeth after I snorted my pill.. I chucked it in my backpack before I left.. I was at least 10 minutes late.. and he told me to go get a late pass from the office... My mom worked in the office.. if she knew I was late, she wouldn't understand why... I told him my mom works here, and she'd get mad at me if she found out... no luck.. I had to go face my mom right after doing the pill..

She asked how I could possibly be late, when I left before she even did.. I told her I had cramps, and was in the bathroom when the bell rang.. I started feeling high, and suddenly stopped worrying.. she looked a little mad at me, but I didn't think anything of it.. and I went to class. Gave him the late-slip, and took my seat.

Everyone was staring at me.. I was breathing heavy, and sweating... I was so high, the highest I've been at this point... I was a little worried, but I took out my binder and text book.

I was in my own little world, I don't remember much of that class.. my friend shook my shoulder to wake me up.. and I went out into the hallway.. he told me I was passing out, and the teacher asked what was wrong with me. he told them I was up late, and was sick for the past couple of days..

I still to this day don't know why he didn't turn me in... or tell me mother.. but he just let it be..
I skipped the next class, and Hung out with another guy... I gave him a pill to smoke a joint with me..
We just chilled.. and I ended up missing the next class..

I said fuck it, and I went home by myself.. I called mom at the school, and told her my cramps were worse, and I wasn't feeling good, I just wanted to go to bed..

I was playing video games, smoking ciggies.. when I burnt my hand.. I was nodding off so bad, I burned my fingers with the ash, and didn't wake up until it finally hurt bad enough.. I had to put polysporin on it, and a band aid.. and hide it from my mother.. who would have asked the second she saw it.

My mother is the most loving and caring person you could ever meet... anyone who knows her would agree with me 100%. She loves her kids. She would sacrifice the world for her kids. And we were good kids, I would do anything for her. so would my brothers. I was lucky.

She got home from work at 4:00.. and she came right up to check on me.. she took my temperature, and bought me some ginger ale on her way home.. She loved me so much.. and I was lying to her to do my drugs..

My parents sacrificed everything to help me with my addiction once they found out... I hurt them over and over.. I did horrible things.. And I still regret them to this day..

My next post will be a few stories of how out of control my life got... some of the bad things I've done, why I did it... and how my addiction grew and grew.. you'd be surprised at some of the stuff I did.

Keep reading tomorrow after supper, and you'll understand more about me..

Thanks for reading! take care guys. And thanks for the support I get everyday from some of you!
Please follow me, and leave comments or questions on everyone of my stories. It's important to me.


-Neil