Monday, February 13, 2012

New post, monday.. Little yellow pills..



Chasing little yellow pills... running and running, lying, cheating, scamming, selling, stealing... anything for those pills..


Sorry for the lack of posts, I was away this weekend. The reception in the hotel wasn't very good.. so I decided to skip a couple of days. I got emails from Denmark and Mexico... 2 from the states, and 3 from Canada asking when I'm posting again... I'm really happy to see this catching on.. it's making this project all worth it.

Thanks to everyone for the support, and telling me they're proud of me.. To be where I'm at today.. I had to go through hell.. A hell in which I will never go back, and I'm going to turn the negatives in my life into positives. I want to help people who can't help themselves... to be their guiding light.. When I was 16-17; if I had a young guy who would talk to me about his experiences.. his own personal hell with addiction.. would it have made a difference? I like to think so.. And I'm going to find out..



I had a few of the little yellow pills that "solved all of my problems" left.. and was still in contact with the kid who sold me some..

I was in class, snorting a yellow 4 in between my binder and books, hoping no one would notice.. I think one girl in school did, but she didn't say anything to anyone.. and I don't know why she didn't... she looked right at me..
Maybe she was scared? I hung out with- the "stoners"- the ones who smoke weed, and experiment with other drugs.. so maybe she was scared if she told someone, that it would come back on her. I never would have even said anything to that girl if she told on me.. I would have let it slide, it was my own personal fault for not going to the bathroom... I was too scared that day to enjoy my high, I was waiting to see if she'd stay after class or go to the principals office after class, because it was recess...  I walked towards the front doors (right in front of the office) and she went the other way... I was so relived.. I had to go to the bathroom and snort another 4...

Coming out of the bathroom, I went out the front doors to the smokers corner; Where all the smokers and some of the stoners hung out at recess.. walking out those doors... I felt that rush again.. I felt amazing; on this nice sunny morning... the birds were chirping... and one of my boys yelled to me to come on over... I guess I looked like I was in a daze..

When I met up with them, they were asking me what's going on this weekend, what we were doing and all this other stuff.. so me and my friend Ash were trying to find a party, or something to do for tomorrow -Friday-
I said I think I know something we can do, just get some money together..

I went back to the last class before lunch.. and was nodding out ... at this point, I took 8mg's of hydromorphone (dilaudid) ... which is a lot for my body size at the time. I was nodding out hard.. the teacher asked me what was wrong, and I told him I didn't get very much sleep last night, I told him I stayed up till 4:30am studying, and I was drained. He bought it for some reason, and told me to lay my head down on my desk.. This happens again later in my next few posts, when a friend had to tel him that, because I was so out of it I couldn't even talk to him. I passed right out in class... it's disgusting to think about..

Another part of this story I should mention ...which is quite important... my mother works at the school.. if I got caught, or into any trouble, they would tell her.. it's not like I'd just get a detention, I'd have to deal with my parents when I got home.. so I couldn't get caught.. I also didn't want to embarass my mom, because I was pretending my life was great, and I was doing really well.. I wish she caught me when I first started, maybe at this point... maybe then it wouldn't have been too late.


I went to my nans for lunch.. I asked her to borrow 20 dollars because me and my friends were going out for lunch that day at a pizza place.. I lied and said one of my friends didn't have enough money, so I was going to pay for him. My grandmother gave it to me, and still to this day it hurts me every time I think of her.. because she was a saint.. and I really hurt her.. and she passed away before I could make it up to her.. but that will come later in my posts...

I finished the school day, and still had 1 pill left, and a half of 1.

I went home, and actually did my homework, and then took a nap..

I woke up, and went on the computer... and was praying that kid would be online..

Sure enough he was, so I sent him a message..

Neil says: Hey man, I've got a bit of money if you wanna make a trade tomorrow...

I waited for a response... and waited.. and waited...
I don't know if he was thinking about it, or if he just wasn't around at the time..

After about 10 minutes, he came back and said  "hey Neil... yeah man, maybe.. but how many?"
I told him I wanted 30 if he could, and he said he'd try.. we were gonna meet up at the library on Friday around 4:30.

The next day at school, I grabbed Ash and told him.. he had some money too he said... turned out it was only 5 bucks.. what a big help..

I did the last of my pills in the morning and at lunch, and waited for the day to end.. me and Ash were gonna meet up later, around 3:30... so I went home and got a shower... I went online to message "the kid" and he said he could only get 28. I said that was fine, and told him to meet me.. I met Ash first, and we walked up to the library. I saw "the kid" coming.. and I'm telling you, I instantly felt sick to my stomach.. which was weird.. but I just muscled through it and walked up to him.

Hey man, I've got 20 bucks.. is that enough for those? and he said no man, that wasn't the deal.. so Ash gave him the other 5 and we got the 28 pills for 25 bucks.

The little yellow pills... 4 mg dilaudids..

That's $280.00 worth of drugs, for a 16 year old boy to have? that's messed up.. and is potentially dangerous.. We sold 6 of them for 26 bucks to some of the other users.. and kept the rest.
We bought a quart of rum and some pop. There was a little party in the woods, so we went to check it out..

The whole walk in I felt sick; it was weird.. why do I feel sick? I'm not addicted.. it's not withdrawal, I did enough today. So I'm obviously not addicted yet... Little did I know, that nausea comes from the excitement of the score, knowing you're getting high.. and any drug addict will know what I'm talking about... I was just 16 years old, and I didn't even know what was wrong with me.. it was a horrible addiction brewing, and growing inside of me ...like a cancer..

We walked through the woods.. and made it to the "camp spot" a few of the other guys were out there.. I took my cap off my pop bottle, and crushed one of my little yellow pills in it, and snorted it.. I did the same thing for Ash, and handed him the rolled up canadian tire bill.. and he snorted his.

Some of the other guys saw, and they wanted one too they said... we told them a lie, saying that we only had two left and that was all we had for the rest of the night...this one guy..he was so persistent.. and he was younger.. but about twice our size, and had a rep for fighting... I ended up giving him one.. We then thought it would be a good idea to leave..

We walked out of the woods, which is about a 20 minute walk.. it took us twice that... we talked and talked, and enjoyed our high.. we talked about what we were gonna do that night..

-There's a guy in Springhill we knew where we used to go smoke weed and stuff. he was an ex-junkie and still used once in a while, but we didn't know that. he told us he's been clean forever, and would never go back to the stuff... I've snorted Talwin in front of him,as well as Demerol, and he never said anything.... so I didn't think it was a big deal when we went out there with our pills... boy was I wrong..

We used to call this guy heroin Dan... that was what everyone called him.. he lived in this run down stinky trailer with his girlfriend Rox... who I heard is doing really well, and actually has an amazing life now that she got away from drugs.. Dan is on a methadone maintenance program, and I heard he's doing excellent and doesn't sneak using while on it... I heard he's spending time with his family, and isn't depressed anymore..

Anyway, back to the story...

We were drinking our drinks, and smoking weed.. Which my friend Ash already had.. We were feeling great, and getting pretty buzzy... another friend Paco showed up.. he wanted to get high too, and we had a lot; so we thought we'd all go in for a line... We went into the bathroom and shut the door... we cleaned up a spot to crush the pills up (this place is dirty, and this is a very dangerous thing to do.. you could get really sick using drugs in a dirty place like that... he was also a cutter, and an ex needle junkie.. and if there was blood around, you could catch hep c even just by snorting pills off his bathroom counter because it obviously wasn't sanitised and blood could have been on it... lucky for us there wasn't...

We gave Paco one 4mg pill, and me and Ash each did two.. We didn't know, but Dan was waiting outside the door... When I put my stuff away, and opened the bathroom door.. He was there BEGGING me for a pill.. just 1 little pill.. he only wanted to try it again once, and would stop again.. I told him no, because he was sober from pills at the time... He started getting angry, and yelling at us for bringing that shit into his house.. he was screaming and flipping out, and so was his girlfriend... We packed our stuff up and left.

...Right before we got to the door, he was saying he was sorry but he just really needed a pill, begging me for a pill... When the other guys were ahead of me.. I chucked him one on the floor, then told him to "fuck off junkie, blah blah blah" and walked to meet my friends.

We were all laughing about what I said.. and we were talking about how scary that was.. how junkies can get.. but we were young and smart... we didn't do heroin, or needles... and we'd "never do that in a million years"

We were all drunk, and staggering.. and made it up town.. I was the one holding the drugs, and we were in the middle of town by the i.g.a ... an old grocery store.... a cop named Jen pulled up and asked us what we were doing.... Ash was really messed up, and slurring his words, and said something ignorant to her... they asked us what was wrong with our friend..  in our best "sober" voices we said " I dunnoh, we just met up with him 2 minutes ago.."  she was going to let him go.. I tried to convince her I'd call him a cab, Jen was about to agree when Ash said something else stupid.. and she patted him down and put him in her police cruiser..

He ended up at his parents house, and they didn't charge him.. they just thought he was drinking...

I don't know how we didn't get arrested, we were messed up, but we were trying to act sober... we must have done a good enough job, because she let us go... we split up, I went home and he did too.. I wish to this day she had of arrested me too, found those pills, and maybe put me into a court ordered detox program.. that might have stopped things... but I was good at being manipulative...and managed to keep my self out of jail that night.

I still had about 10 of the pills left, I'm not sure of the exact number, but I know it was around there.

I talked to my parents for a second, and said I was tired and going to bed... I told them a lie that I was at the arena watching a hockey game, and our team one... blah blah blah" they bought it and I went to bed.

The next morning I woke up and.. (this is for the next blog)  END



I'd just like to say a few things about this story... First of all, mixing opiates with other downers like alcohol, is one of the most dangerous things you could possible do... you can die in your sleep, you can just stop breathing... Lucky for Ash he didn't.. lucky for me I didn't.. lucky for Paco he didn't... That's how stupid we were.. and that's why drugs are so dangerous with youth. We need to educate them more when they're younger... and stress the point. Because in CapeBreton over the past 10 years, there's been countless deaths of youth due to Oxycontin and dilaudid... either overdosing from injecting... or from mixing a cocktail of drugs, like opiates and benzo's and alcohol...

It shuts down your respiratory system.. you'll die in your sleep, and you won't have a chance left in the world.
If you're reading this... and you are using opiates. PLEASE don't mix them with benzo's, alcohol, barbiturates or any other downer... even mild ones like o.t.c sleeping pills or gravol.

And to the parents.. I know you trust your kids, but you never know... check into things... add the gps function to their phones without telling them... check up on them. If they say they're going to the movies, check the gps and see if they're telling the truth... my parents had no idea I was addicted to drugs until I spun out of control and got caught stealing...then the truth had to come out...

Just keep an eye out for warning signs... weird smells when they come home, red eyes.. check their pockets for things like visine, or anything that could be used to do drugs with.

I usually kept a Canadian tire bill in my wallet... but if you pulled it out, it would already start to curl from being rolled up so many times. There's so many warning signs.. look them up, and just be aware.. If you catch them before they're addicted, you have a much better chance at getting them the help they need.

Also, you can buy drug tests online, or if you ask your local pharmacist, they will order them for you... my mother had to do this at one point, but I'll get into that later on in my blogs..

A big sign of opiate abuse, is pin-point pupils.. or nodding off... shallow breathing... or cold skin. Opiates constrict blood vessels in your body, and it makes it harder for blood to pass through your veins..
So you're colder, your eyes are pin-pointed and you have trouble going to the bathroom.

Just keep an eye out... There's just as many drugs in our schools today as there is in any other high drug area. Some kids only go to school to make money selling drugs. So just keep an eye out please..

I'm sort of rambling, so I'll stop this post now.. I might try to post another one later on to make up for this weekend, but some of the next stories coming up really hurt me to think about.. some of them bring me to tears, because I can't believe I was like that... I can't believe drugs changed me that much... it's so scary.

Thanks for reading, and please post a comment or a question on each blog! thanks guys!

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