A turn for the worse..

I spent every cent I had on drugs.. Every cent I had went towards feuling my addiction..
I remember the only time I stole, was a box of pizza pockets and some stupid stuff from the grocery store.. I got caught, and had to pay it back..

But being an addict, you look for any opportunity to make some money.. to rip off, scam, or cheat to get what you need. I was my own worst enemy, and I was on a bridge to no where..

I was spending every cent I had on drugs... I was ordering them off the Internet, and selling them to a few people I knew. I was selling stuff I owned, video games, gift cards, jewelry.. It was never enough..

Me and a friend knew this girl who worked at a store in Amherst... We'd go to the store the talk to her sometimes, and buy smokes.. because we weren't old enough, and she'd sell them to us anyway..

I was high, and in my talkative mood one night, when I said to her "how about a free pack of smokes?"
I was surprised when she threw us each a pack. I was laughing, and said "how about some cigars".. she reached behind her, and threw us a pack of cigars.. I caught the pack.. and quickly thought of how awesome it would be to keep getting more of these..

We went to visit her every night she worked, and she would always give us free smokes..
I remember one night, I asked her if she wanted to make a little extra money.. and explained if she gave us packs of smokes and tobacco.. we would sell it, and give her a profit..

It started out with 2 cartons.. I sold them to my dealer for a couple of pills each carton.. came back and gave her 20 dollars..

This idea quickly grew.. She filled an entire duffel bag full of tobacco.. a few of each pack on the shelves.. and cartons from the back room.. I remember we sold them all to one guy, for close to 400 dollars.. we came back and gave her 50 dollars.. and she was happy enough with that..

She would do this for us once a week; and when she was in the backroom we would take more and more of them.. filling our coats with cartons when she wasn't looking.. I couldn't believe how easy this was... and for each carton, I would get two 30mg hydromorphone contin pills... Which Marcus sold for 45 dollars each..

This was awesome.. I had money, drugs and smokes.. I could party every weekend, do drugs at school, and it wouldn't cost me a cent..

Everything good comes to an end.. I remember we gave her a hit of xtc and 20 dollars for a school bag full of smokes.. I remember she wasn't too happy, and she ended up stopping it..

She didn't get caught, and we didn't either... I thought this was too easy.. It sucks that it has to end..

A few months later, we found another girl who would do it for us.. We took advantage or her kindness, and it ended badly.. but I'll save that for another post..

So stealing was an easy way to make money.. I needed at least 40 dollars a day to support my habit.. so what else could I do? I couldn't sell weed or anything to make this much money. I didn't have a good enough source to make any money at it.. I was working in the meantime, but I wasn't making enough to support my addiction
So I started scamming and stealing... this seemed like an easy enough way to get what I needed..

But eventually you get caught.. you get more cocky, and think you can get away with anything..
And once your addiction grows, you lose your morals.. you don't think about what's right or wrong.. you don't care.. I wish I had of stopped before I hurt the people I cared about.. but I didn't..

And in my next blog, you'll see what I mean by this..

I hope you don't judge me from my past.. these were mistakes I made.. these are all things I still feel horrible about.. and live with each day of my life.

Today, I wouldn't so much as take a chocolate bar without paying for it.. I wouldn't take something from someone who worked hard to get it.. it's not right. Stealing is one of the worst things you can do.. and it can hurt people more than you know..

I wish everyday I could go back and change the things I did.. but I can't... I have to live with everything I did.. but I have grown from my experiences.. I'm in a better place, and I want to make up for what I've done. I want to help others, and share my story with the world.

So if you think what I've done was bad, and have something rude to say about it.. keep it to yourself. Nothing you can say will make me feel any worse for what I did..
I still carry a lot of guilt and shame for the things I did. but I've done a lot to make up for it.

Thanks..

-Neil