Friday, February 17, 2012

losing my morals..



I'm 16 years old.. I stopped caring about school long ago... I still went; but that was only to get high and talk to people.. It had nothing to do with learning.. If anything... I was forgetting everything I was taught growing up..


Drugs consumed me... they were pretty much all I thought about. I would research every different drug; I would study them... I would order them off the Internet, I would make sure I experienced everything I wanted to..

I was starting not to care.. Why care? nothing in the world made me as happy as I was when I was high.. Not my family, not a crush.. nothing.. So why waste my time on school, friends or anything else for that matter? Those were my honest thoughts at the time.. Pretty scary to think about now..

As my addiction grew, so did my habit.. my tolerance was getting higher.. I was no more than 120 lbs, and I could snort three 8mg dilaudids; and most people couldn't tell I was on anything. 24mg's of hydromprhone is enough to seriously hurt or kill a full grown man.. at the very least they'd end up in the hospital.

I needed another source.. all of my other ones were running low..
So I heard about another drug dealer.. They called him Marcus.. he only sold to older people, but I figured I could at least try.. the worst he could say was No...

I had some money together from selling some stuff; and money I saved that my grandmother gave me..
I had a few hundred dollars.. And I had to fill the need my body was craving..
I went up to the door, and knocked.. I was terrifed, but I convinced myself this needed to be done.. he answered..

He looked at me funny.. I'm sure he was thinking "who the fuck is this kid at my door?"
I told him who I was, and who I knew.. I said I've been taking these pills for half a year now, and was running low on sources.. I knew he sold "12's"(12 mg hydromorphone capsules..they have time released beads inside)
I asked for one.. and he flat out told me no.. I pulled out my money, and said I'll take this many.. Sure enough, he obliged.. and sold me 10 of them at once.. most drug dealers have no morals.. it's all about money.. "Fuck who you hurt.. they'd get them somewhere else anyway.. "

I remember walking home, I was so excited.. Excited to buy off of a drug dealer? I know that sounds insane.. but to me, this meant I wouldn't have to worry as much... they were way more expensive.. but I could always get them..

I ran inside.. no one was home.. I already knew I could crush the time release beads up with a screwdriver and a shot glass.. The same thing I did with the time released Dexedrine..
I emptied two capsules into the shot glass.. stuck the end of the screw driver in.. and started turning..

Something inside me was ecstatic.. I felt like I won the lottery.. Do drugs really effect you like this?
My life was consumed.. typing this now, it seems surreal to me that I could have possibly thought this way..
But I did... and to me, that's fucking scary..

I poured the powder onto a plate.. took out my sin card, and my red Canadian tire bill.. I made four lines, and snorted them all. These capsules weren't chalky like the instant release pills.. they didn't hurt my nose, and they didn't make me feel sick as soon as I snorted them..
I put the plate in the dishwasher.. my card and bill back into my wallet.. and laid down on the couch..
.. then came the warmth.. the rush.. the reason for doing all of this.. the pay off..
It's so hard to describe.. and I'm scared if I do, I might glorify it.. but obviously it feels good, or no one would do it..

Sure I miss that feeling some days.. but I don't miss everything that goes with it..
The pain in my parents eyes.. seeing my family and friends cry because they don't know what to do with me anymore..
Stealing to support this habit.. overdosing, waking up in the hospital... Watching people you know OD, losing control of your mind and body.. waking up and hearing about stupid shit you did.. and having no recollection of doing it.. losing jobs, ruining relationships, hurting everyone around you.. and finally ending up in the prison system, looking at a 4 year sentence for armed robbery at 20 years old..

..When I think of all of this, versus the 10 minute rush and 2 hour high of the drug... it's a pretty easy choice to make. I'll never go back to that life.. I'm going to take everything I learned, and use it to help others.. I was selfish for far to long.. it's time to give back, and hopefully make a difference in someone Else's life..

More to come later today..

-Neil

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