Coming back home.. Feb 29th, 2012

Fresh out of detox, without so much as trying.. My parents sat down and made so many phone calls..
They didn't know what to do.. How could their son get like this?

They thought that would be the end of it, I would go home.. and everything would be OK..

Detox didn't turn out as planned.. Well... As they planned.. I think in my own mind I sabotaged my chances at it.. I didn't care, I wasn't ready to quit.. I was young, and I was still having too much fun..

I was nodding off, And I told mom they had me on medication there.. and I couldn't just stop.
Dad got home, and he was upset.. not mad, just upset that I didn't even try.. I couldn't even give it a fucking chance.. He was disappointed in me, and I know it killed him to think that this was even happening.. Would he just wake up and this would all be a bad dream? .. Well, truth it.. it turned into a fucking nightmare.. I turned into a monster.. I let me inner beast out.. It was all about me. No one, and nothing else seemed to matter to me one bit..

We sat in the kitchen and talked.. This was the second of MANY long talks in the kitchen, where I would promise this was it, where I would promise this was the last time.. you'll see a pattern as you keep reading my blog everyday..

Mom was making phone calls, and I was lying, saying how bad it was there.. and that I just needed a smoke, blah blah blah blah.. All lies and bullshit.

I told them I was going to lay down.. and I did.. but not before taking 2 clonazapam.. I was smoking, and couldn't keep my head up.. I remember burning my shirt, I dropped my cigarette onto it.. I chipped it out, and brushed my shirt off.. then fell asleep..

I don't remember how long I slept, but it was late at night... Mom told me "We're going to the hospital tomorrow to see what we can do about all of this.. "

She had tears in her eyes.. and it broke my heart.. I started crying.. I told my mom I would quit, I promised her I would stop.. and at that moment I meant it.. but it turned into another lie..

I loved my parents deeply then.. they were my whole world, I was still just 16.. I relied on them for everything.. food, shelter.. the whole works..  but most of all love, understanding and compassion.. That's not something you want to lose from your parents, or any part of your family... You also don't want to loose your trust..

I cried for a long time, and I'm pretty sure she was convinced it was over.. and so was I..

I thought about flushing the pills I had, but I didn't want the withdrawals to be too bad.. so I figured I would save them..

We both went to bed.. Dad was already in bed..

I fell asleep fast..

My mom woke me up, and told me to get ready...  I got a bath, and while I was in there.. I thought "Maybe I should do a little bit before I go to the hospital?" So I did.. I took 1 more clonazapam, and I snorted half of a 200mg morphine. so about 100mg's..  I put the rest of the stuff away in my crotch..  and brushed my teeth and walked downstairs.. This was on a Saturday I do believe, dad was on the computer, it was about 9:30 in the morning.. and mom was getting her coat ready, and her shoes ready to leave..

I remember saying to her "we're leaving now? do we have to go now?" I wanted to feel the rush before I left..  "No Neil, we're leaving now.. I don't want to be at the hospital all day"

"Fuck!" I thought... and went to put on my shoes, one of the laces was un-tied so I bent down to tie it....
And as soon as I stood up, I started getting pins and needles, and I started feeling warm in my chest..

The rush was coming... I sat down in the kitchen, at the table.. and Rested my head in my hands..
Feeling the rush, Enjoying the rush.. Mom saw me and said "Are you OK Neil?" and I said "I'm feeling sick, and I'm just a little dizzy from tying my shoe up" "OK, well we need to get going" .. I wasn't in the mood to talk, I was just closing my eyes, and feeling this rush.. but I said "mom can you get me a glass of cold water and some pepto for my stomach.."

She did, and while she was getting that ready I was still closing my eyes, with my head in my hand... that rush was the only important thing to be at that moment..

She came over with the glass of water and pepto, I took two spoonfuls of pepto and drank my water..
I asked her for a smoke, because I had none.. and she gave me one.. I lit it, and said I was feeling better for the time being, but we should get to the hospital..

I went out and sat in the car, and she soon followed..  I was still high, but the rush was gone.. but I had to hide it from my mom.. I needed her to think I was feeling sick.. that way the doctor would give me something..

I puffed on my smoke the whole way there.. Looking out the window.. I remember the clouds were moving in and it was getting darker.. and it looked like it was starting to rain..
We got to the hospital, and I put my smoke out, and got out of the car..

We signed in, and went to wait in the waiting room.. there was a few other people there..
I remember grabbing a magazine, then the Triage Nurse called my name "Neil Calder" and told me to come to one of the rooms...

She took my blood pressure.. a little low.. it was from using drugs.. but I told her I was starting to feel the effects of withdrawal... all lies.. again and again..

She told me to take a seat in the waiting room, after asking me a few more questions..

I sat back down, and a half hour later the doctor called me in, and my mom followed right behind me..
He asked me a bunch of questions about my addiction, last time I used, how much I used, blah blah blah.. I had to lie a little about that too, and told him I was in withdrawal, and all the other lies that come with that.. Even though at this time I was feeling 100% fine..

Anyway, he ended up writing me a prescription for tylenol3's and codeine pills as well as codeine liquid. He also wrote me a prescription for Valium 10mg pills, 3 times daily, and then Valium 5 mg 3 times daily.

The way it worked, was mom would hold the medication, and dispense it to me when I needed it.. Every couple of days I would come down a little bit.. And this in total would take two weeks..

We left the hospital, and I was super excited.. I just scored more drugs, and I still have some, I have enough to make sure I'm not sick for two weeks.. and when it's over, I'll have no tolerance, I won't be addicted physically anymore, and maybe I could put this behind me.. And only use once in a while, like once a week, or once a month..

We drove to the pharmacy.. and me and mom were talking, it was clearing up, but it was still gray outside.. a little sun was breaking through, and it seemed like the town was dead on this Saturday.. So It was around noon, I think 12:30 or so.. And we went into the pharmacy.. Mom went out back and filled it up, while I just walked around..  I came back, and talked to her a bit, and said this was over, this would help me.. Things were going to be OK..

We got the prescriptions, and there was a lot of them.. there was 5 bottles of pills, and a big bottle of codeine syrup..

We went home, and mom gave me my first does ... two Tylenol 3's (60 Mg's of codeine) and one 10 mg Valium.. I went upstairs, and snorted the other half of the morphine 200.. and took another clonazapam two and went downstairs..

I laid down on the couch and watched TV..

-End..

I'll pick it up where I left off on my next post.

Thanks for reading..

-Neil