Friday, February 24, 2012

Guilt and shame.. (Part 1)


This entire story is going to be in 3 or 4 parts.. This is very hard for me to write about... I tear up, and almost cry everytime I think about this.. It was something horrible I did.. And i'm embarassed, and ashamed of what I did...

Here's my story..



- This story is hard for me to tell... it brings up a lot of raw emotions,
and guilt that still burdens me today... It was over 6 years ago.. But I remember it like yesterday..

It was spring time.. Almost edging on summer.. It was raining.. And I was very very sick..

I took 5 valium I had left in my stash to try to take the edge off.. I had 8 dollars.. And owed everyone I knew money.. Including my parents and my grandmother..

I decided I would go to the pharmacy and buy a bottle of Tylenol 1's.. They sell them legally in Canada without a prescription.. And they contain 8mgs of codeine in each pill.

I figured I could take enough of them to ease my withdrawal symptoms..
I walked in the rain to the pharmacy.. And went to the back of the store. I asked the pharmacist for a bottle.. He looked at me, and said " No, I can't sell them to you unless you're 18".

I told him that I knew that wasn't true, and he assured me it was.. I left, angry, sick.. And not knowing when I was going to do.

I walked all the way to visit Marcus, I told him how I was sick, and that I only had 8 dollars, but I would bring him the other 12 dollars later once I got it.. He told me no, you owe me 150 dollars as it is..

I had no options left... so I figured I could walk to my grandmothers, and borrow 12 dollars off of her. She was the only person I had left..

I walked down, and made her a coffee.. Talked for a little bit, then finally asked her if I could borrow 12 dollars.. She told me she couldn't do it.. Because I've been getting too much money from her lately... I told her I was going out for lunch with a girl I knew, and I really needed it..

She still told me no, that she just couldn’t do it today.. I said ok, and went to the bathroom..

She kept her talwin in there, and I figured taking a few of those would get me through till tomorrow..

When I looked at the bottle there were only 6 in it.. This was a Friday, and she took 2 a day.. I couldn't take any, she had a doctor’s appointment on Monday, and she'd be getting her re-fill.. I couldn't see my grandmother in pain, that wouldn't be right..

I went back out, and into the living room, after taking 2 gravol, and some Imodium, because I was throwing up and I’m sure you can guess why I was taking the Imodium.. My bowels wouldn't stop moving.. And it hurt so badly every time they did..

While we were sitting in her living room, she got up to use the bathroom.. She would take a while in there.. But not long enough for me to slip 12 dollars from her wallet..

So I Grabbed 4 cheques from her dresser in her living room. And sat back down.. I also took 4 toonies from her change dish.. This gave me 16 dollars..

She came out of the bathroom and told me to take 4 dollars out of her change dish for coffee's..

She knew I drank a lot of coffee.. "Thanks nan.. " 
This gave me the 20 dollars I needed..

As soon as she did that, I said I was running late, and I had to meet up with that girl.. She then said "Neil, listen.. Grab my purse.. I went into her bedroom, and grabbed her purse..

She opened it, and there was lots of money in there.. Hundreds of dollars all in different bills.  She gave me another 10 dollars; then told me to take the purse back... When I did, I slipped another 10, 20 and a 5 dollar bill..

I wasn't even thinking... I had enough for today, but this way I wouldn't have to use those cheese tomorrow.. I had enough to get me through the weekend..
I had 65 dollars.. Surely this would be more than enough..

I went back to Marcus, and asked him what size pills he had.. He told me he had 30's..
He sold cut me a deal, and sold me 2 of them for 65 dollars..

I ran home as fast as I could.. The only one home was dad.. He was on the computer.. And by this time the sun broke through, and the day looked beautiful..

I went up into my room, and grabbed a plate from under my bed.. And poured out half the capsule... then I thought.. Fuck it, I’ll take the whole pill...

I crushed up the whole 30mg capsule of beads.. To break the time release.. This is sooo dangerous to someone who doesn’t know anything about opiates... that could and probably would kill them... This 30mg pill is actually even stronger then the highest Oxycontin pill which is an oxy 80mg. Kids were dropping from snorting a whole oxy 80 in cape Breton.

Anyway, back to my story... I had to make 4 lines, because this pill was so big... I snorted the first two fast.. And adjusted it to the back of my nose where my mucus membranes were.. I then snorted the other two lines, and got them in my mucus membranes.. That’s how you absorb it into you..

I laid back in my bed.. And slid the plate under it. I laid there, with my eyes closed, listening to my mini disk player.. And really enjoyed it.. Once you're in withdrawal, and you finally get your drug, and get relief from it, it's like an orgasm.. It's like being cozy, and comfortable..
Imagine the worst flu you ever had, and imagine if you could pay 10 dollars to cure it instantly... you would wouldn't you? Anyone would.. And that's what makes this drug such a dangerous thing.. You’ll do anything to get it..

I had valium and gravol in me, so I was pretty high, and I could run the risk of my breathing stopping from mixing downers.. So I had to get out of the house.. I walked downtown, bummed a toonie off dad for a coffee.. And told him I was going to meet a girl.. Just in case he spoke to Nan, my story would work..

I went to Tims, and bought a coffee.. I stared out the window, and enjoyed the beautiful day it turned out to be. I really wanted this feeling forever.. Then I thought... I have a few cheques.. And I used to always go to the bank, Foodland, or the pharmacy with them for my Nan, they wouldn't expect a thing if I went in there and bought something for her, or cashed a check for her..

I rationalized I would pay some on my bill, and that once I for another contract at work, I would slip the money back into her bank account. Since I knew the number of her account..

So I went to the bank, and cashed a check for 100 dollars.. The woman told me she would need a note from my grandmother the next time saying it was ok for me to do that.... Because my grandmother legitimately got me to do this all the time; it wasn't out of the ordinary..

So I had 100 dollars, and a 30 mg pill in my pocket.. I bought a pack of smokes, and went to see Marcus again.. I asked him if he'd sell me 3 more 30mg pills for $92.00.. He told me yes, and I was so excited. I was like a kid in the candy store.. I figured this would help me if I ever needed it.. I had 3 cheques left, and would only use them in emergencies like being sick..

I went to a using friend’s house, and gave him half a 30, and snorted the other half.
I was a mess.. he then told me he had 40 valium 10's and 40 Xanax 1mg's

I told him I'd give him a 30 mg Hydromorphone for 20 valium and 30 Xanax.. He bartered with me and told me only 20 Xanax.. I said "Xanax isn't even that good, I want 30 of them or it’s no deal" and of course, he traded me them all in the end.
 
So I had a big stash built up.. 2 Hydromorphone 30's and 50 benzodiazepines.

I went back home that night after playing some guitar and bass at this guy’s house..

I did half of a '30'  and crushed the other 30 and made lines out of it, and put it under my bed for the morning.. I was on msn, heard about a party that Saturday night, and knew I would need more money for it.. To buy drugs and get some alcohol.. Now how would I get this?

-End of part 1.

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