I've been working so much lately that I just let my blog sort of die.. I miss writing.. and I miss seeing my blog inspire so many people and help them..
I'm sick tonight, and took the night off work, so I'm going to write another post.. Beginning from where the last one left off..
..
I stayed the night in the Springhill jail cells..
They let me smoke my cigarettes every once in a while when I was there.. (There's no smoking in jail anymore, so this probably doesn't happen any more)
They took my coat from me, so I didn't have access to my pills I had hidden in it..
I just nodded off and thought about where my life was at... I didn't really care..
I was happy to be in jail, at the very least my tolerance would go down.. I didn't really care about changing.. and didn't change at all..
The next morning after I woke up they asked me what I wanted for breakfast.. I remember I had ham and eggs from a motel here in town..
I ate that, which was one of the only things I had eaten that week.. and cried when I was done.. I was sober again.. and all of my thoughts were racing..
I only really thought of myself.. I didn't think of why I was there, and the people I hurt to get myself here.. I didn't feel sorry for what I did... I felt sorry for myself..
The two officers came into the holding cell area and told me we were leaving for court in 10 minutes..
They let me out of the cell and let me put my coat on.. As soon as I put it on I could feel where my stashed pills were.. and I was happy again, because I knew I could get high once I got to the court house..
It was 8:00am and court was at 9.. there was some fresh snow on the ground, and it was really sunny that morning.. and even a little warm..
I was handcuffed and put in the back of the cop car..
We pulled out and they started talking to me..
Asking me why I was doing what I was doing.. I didn't really have an answer for them.. I was just telling them what they wanted to hear so they'd give me some smokes.. The only thing on my mind was getting high at the court house..
We talked about how I first started, and why I would hurt my family just to get pills... People don't really understand drug addiction, and can't imagine doing something like that to someone else, let alone their own family..
The drugs take hold, they control your thoughts and your actions.. all you want is your drugs, and nothing else matters to you at that moment..
So everything else comes second.. that's why addicts convince themselves it's OK to take things.. The thoughts going through their minds are: "I'm going to get it back once I get the money for it" or "They won't notice it's missing, and I'll just buy them a new one once I get some money"
But as soon as you get some money, it goes towards drugs, not towards the things you took.
So we got to the court house after a long drive there, and they took me upstairs after one last smoke..
I went upstairs, they took my handcuffs off and put me back in the salmon colored cells.. Which make everything else even more depressing..
I instantly asked for some magazines and a lawyers aid form..
As soon as they brought them to me I pulled out some pills and crushed them, and put a few I had left back in my coat... I crushed them with the side of a pencil... and the powder had yellow paint from the side of it stuck in it.. I didn't even bother trying to pick it out because I knew I didn't have a whole lot of time..
I snorted it with a page I ripped out of a readers digest book... and then flushed the tube I made.
I laid down for a while.. filling out the green paper to get a legal aid lawyer.. I felt the drugs kicking in... everything was OK for the moment..
I had to wait for a few hours, They gave us lunch.. a bag of chips, a chocolate milk and a sandwich..
When I was done they called my name on the docket..
They let me out of my cell and the sheriffs brought me into the court room..
My cousin was there.. and I couldn't even look at him.. I wish I had of just said "I'm sorry!" or anything.. but I didn't.. I was embarrassed, and felt like an idiot..
I plead guilty, and got sentenced to 6 months in jail, plus the month an a half I had left from doing weekends was collapsed into the sentence... making it closer to 8 months..
They brought me back out into the holding cells in the court, and told me the guards would be over to take me to the Amherst County Jail soon..
I took the pills I had and hid them so I could use them in the jail.. and maybe taper myself off of them.
Because I wasn't going to ever get high in jail... Or was I?
