Thursday, June 28, 2012

you'll see why I was putting this off for so long.. but time to pull the band-aid off..

This week consisted of the same old shit... stealing to support my habit.. trying to get enough for the weekend...

Well, this included stealing from my family members...

I did this with the intent on getting whatever I pawned off back "as soon as I could"... so I convinced myself it was alright at the time.. Looking back on it now, I realize how insane this was.. but it was the addiction fueling me..

My parents kicked me out... I can't remember what I took, but they told me I had to leave...
I didn't care at this point, I was angry, but I just wanted to keep getting high.

I left, and went to a local store... stole enough to get a few pills.. then went to "my friends house" and shot up..

Feeling great, and on top of the world again... even though my life was completely falling apart..

I stayed the night there.. and the next morning, I decided I would go back to my house to get some of my stuff..

When I got there the doors were locked, and the keys were not in their hiding places..
So I had to break in.. and I did, quite easily through a window..

I took a bunch of stuff... not just my own, out of anger, pain, self-hate..
I just wanted to keep getting high and forget how shitty my life truly was...

I left with a bag full of expensive meat, and some electronics.. and went to trade them for pills..

I look back at all of this... and thank god that i'm not there anymore... thank god I have trust and i'm so lucky to be where I'm at today... anyone can... it just takes work, and their own plan.... my plan may not work for others, but it might for some... just don't give up, or give in...

...Anyway, after a few hours of injecting, and having"fun"; I went to another friends house..
He scored some xanax, and we ate a bunch of that.. I gave him half a 30mg pill.. we snorted it, because he didn't inject, and I didn't want many people knowing..

We hung out, talked about pointless stuff... then I wanted more..
We needed money though...

All in the same night... I made 40 dollars (the price of one pill)... Went back and did it...
Another friend came over, and we all wanted more... more more more.... you can't fucking get enough.. even when it stops getting you high... you'll do almost anything to get it once you're deep in... it turns GREAT people into monsters.. So please don't judge someone because of their addiction.. in a way we almost all have our own... Prescription pills, wine, beer, coffee, chocolate... they give us pleasure.. and we crave it, and want it..... some substances though, make that craving a thousand times stronger... and if you're coffee at times cost 40 dollars... you'd find somewhere else to get it.. or quit.. but you don't go through the withdrawal like you do with drugs..

..So I did that... then I got the bright idea to go to my cousins house (this is the first time you're going to hear everything, and I'm sorry... we've made amends, and I've given you money, but this still brings up shame and guilt I can't even explain.. )

I knew he had change laying on the tables, and in his coats.. a bit of a change hoarder ; )
so I went there, and used a key -I knew where it was- to get in...
My heart was beating... what would I say if he came home? what would I do?
I rushed through the house, grabbing as much change as I could..

Then I saw that he got a new computer... and his old one was laying on the floor..
I don't know why I did this... I was very intoxicated from mixing downers.. I didn't really think of how it would look carrying a computer tower in the middle of the night through snow... but that didn't stop me..

Then I went upstairs and took some video games he had sitting out..

I put them in a bag, and left as fast as I could.. wiping my prints off of the door handle..

Like a bugler would do... Which, was what I was at that time..

I ran to a place I knew, through the snow in his back yard (yeah that wouldn't leave any marks)
And went and sold his computer to a guy for 40 dollars, and another 10 for the games (I think)

I had enough from the change to get another pill.. and I did..

I went back and shot up..

This was around a Tuesday I think...

Anyway, the next day I woke up and hitchhiked up to Amherst to see what I could steal..

I went receipt shopping... which is where you find a receipt for something worth at-least 80 dollars  then go find that item and try to return it for cash... this worked for me many times... but not today apparently..
I found some expensive air filters... worth about 120 dollars.. their were two on the receipt, but I thought i'd just take back one box and tell them I thought I would need two, but turns out I only needed one..

Good plan I thought..

I grabbed a happy face sticker at the front when the greeter wasn't looking, and slapped it onto the box..

I stood in line like I was going to pay for it, then walked right past the cashier and told her I was returning this..
She started to do it up, and asked the date I bought it, and all of that... everything I had memorized..
She said "Ok, this will just take a second"

.. She started to punch it in, and scan it.. and I was sure I got away with it... she got a phone call and said "I'm sorry I can't return this for you" After she got off the phone... I said, OK, I've got to grab some things... mind if I leave this here?" she said it was fine, and I bolted out of there..

I got halfway through the parking lot... when a huge man, in plain clothes started to chase after me..
I didn't run, I acted like I didn't do anything..

He grabbed a hold of me without identifying himself... so I yelled " HELP" Some guy ran over and tried to stop him... he said "I'm detaining him for attempted fraud"
I lied and yelled "I owe this guy money, and he's going to beat me up"... the guy stood back and didn't know what to do..

He went to his car and sat down on his phone.. I assume he was calling the police..
I told the guy grabbing me that he better let me go... and he said why?
I said "because you don't know what might happen if you don't"..
He said "Are you threatening me?"
I said "No, take it however you want to.. but is this job worth risking anything for?"
And for some reason with that, he let me go... I ran like a bat out of hell, and got away...

Sad thing is, I went to another store, and did the exact same thing...

I hitchhiked home.. and went to "my friends" house, he went to score, and we sat around waiting... I got high... then called my mom... she said "Neil... you need to come home"... with fear in her voice.. it was almost breaking.. on the verge of crying....
"I'm coming now, I love you mom.... I'm sorry about everything, but I still love you"
"I'll always love you my child" was what she said... and she meant it... she's been there for me through everything..

As I walked home, I knew the cops were looking for me... So I hide some pills in my jacket, and swallowed one becase I knew I was going to be going to jail tonight...

When I turned the corner I saw a police car in our drive way... I walked in.... he was sitting there at the table... so were my parents... "have a seat Neil" he said...
And I did...

It was a half hour discussion... my parents crying... I admitted what I did, and told my parents how sorry I was... I knew I was going to jail for a while..

He was very nice, and sympathetic to what was happening to me and my family... he didn't even handcuff me.. just let me walk to the car and drive to the stations...

-End.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Hey guys!

Hey loyal readers... I feel horrible after all the emails and messages I've been getting...
I'm verrrrrry sorry for the lack of posts, but I needed to take a break for a couple of reasons..

Writing in detail was starting to give me cravings... Nothing serious, just annoying to deal with them. But I'm very good and overcoming them.. After 3 years it's so much easier...  It gets easier every day actually..

The second reason... I took a seizure at work, and I've also been working 12 hour shifts, sometimes days, sometimes back shifts... and I get home from a shift, head right to bed after eating and getting a shower... and don't have any time to write..

I've also been swamped with emails, which is my main priority, helping others... That's the reason I started this blog, and I'll always put the emails first..

Some days I get 1 emails.... others I'll get 10+, and I don't just write a few lines and press send.. I give the best advice I can possibly give that person at the time.. and my main goal, is to help at least one person through this blog... To open some eyes to people who never used...

I was people to understand that addicts are still people... people that have families... people that have loved ones who are at the end of their rope with fear and stress due to their disease

and it is a disease... A lot of people consider it self inflicted... but No one gets into drugs thinking they're going to get addicted..

I want to show them the life, and the mindset of an addict.. and someone who came through it all..

I want people to look at addicts like humans... I know some addicts who have NEVER stolen to support their habit, yet they're still sometimes looked down upon, or people assume they would steal from them if you let them in your house..

Don't give up on them, and please don't judge them... you don't know their story... you don't know what they go through everyday... If you lived a week in the life of them, I'm sure you would never judge them again..



I'd like to see better programs, and long term treatment centers built instead of expanding our prisons...
most of the people in prison have substance abuse problems... if you treated the CAUSE of their criminal behavior, you'd see a lot less people in prison..

They should have drug rehab prisons... where you have to go to for a year at least depending on your crime..
It would sold so many problems, and help a lot more people VS. sending them to prison.


June 15th was my 3 year mark for not being high... Not even a joint : )

I'm going to be posting, I'm off till Monday, so I'll start posting again.

Thanks for your concern guys : )

Keep reading, check in tomorrow afternoon.... I'll have a good post up!

Take care guys!

-Neil

Monday, June 4, 2012

This is to M.M

My thoughts are with you and your family... Get well soon buddy! I miss seeing you. Stay strong, and I know you'll beat this!

I just want you to know I'm thinking about you, and very worried.
I pray everything works out, and I'm sure it will! : )

But hurry up and get better!

your friend
-Neil!

All week, heavy abuse..

This week was one of my worst for sure..

I got released, and still had a bunch of drugs.. I got some money this week, and just binged..

Same thing all day, get high, pass out, wake up, get high... A sad existence..

So I was home and it was almost Friday again.. I had my medication ready to go for the weekend, and I went to the hospital again. I got another prescription to xanax, and was excited about that..

I woke up Friday morning with a bang... Literally.. and also swallowed some xanax..

I got a shower, and made my way over town.. hung out with a few guys and used.. and also got some more ketamine in the mail..

I ordered a 1000mg vial (1 gram) and as soon as I saw it in the mail I took it home..
I poured it out on a cookie sheet, and turned it on the lowest heat...
It ended up evaporating, and turned into a few white clumps.. I took it out, and crushed it up fine... and put it in 10 wax paper flaps..

I took a small piece of cotton, and a needle full of water and put it into the empty vial... I shook it up, and sucked up the liquid.. There was still a very small amount of ketamine in it.

I took the mix and used it to cook up a dilaudid.. I got it all ready, then precoded to snort 2 flaps of ketamine... I waited until it kicked in, and I injected the dilaudid... I cleaned everything up after the rush... and went to my room..

I was in there tripping out, feeling a feeling I can't describe..
But I'll try..

I felt like I wasn't in my own body... like I was floating around the room.. seeing things, while I opened my eyes, and closed them..

I saw very spiritual things, and felt this power inside of me..
I was tripping out pretty hard, but I wasn't scared... I felt like I was spiraling through space at one point... my body and my mind were one, spinning, doing backflips, front flips and barrel rolls..

This ended after about an hour, maybe a little more..

When I came down, it was just the opiate high...

I was done for the rest of the day I told myself.. No more drugs..

I took a nap, and woke up around 6 and got a shower.. I had to go to the jail..

My mother dropped me off, and I felt fine... so I got out at tims, and got a coffee... when she left, I went to the pharmacy and filled my cards..

I went back over to the café , and went into the bathroom... and I took xanax, and crushed it, I knew how much one crushed pill would fit into a pen cap, so I knew I'd be fine with it.. I crushed 40 or more pills, and swallowed 10 for the buzz..
I wrapped them in serum wrap and as I was walking to the jail I put them deep under my tongue..

I walked in, and they passed me my kit bag...
I'm not sure if this was the time, or if it was one of the times before... but one of the guys that was coming in was drunk, and pulled out a bag full of pills for them, and they had them sitting on the counter... I knew what a few of them were, but I didn't say much..

They stripped me down fast, and wanted to get rid of me...
I got dressed and turned to go when I heard him say "Can you show me under your tongue?"
I swallowed them with the spit built up in my mouth..

I turned around, and let him see... "OK.. go up stairs" he said..

I was in panic mode, I had to get these out of my stomach, because they weren't wrapped tightly enough for that...

I got up there, and tried to make myself through up... It took for ever.. and I couldn't get much up... a little coffee I drank and the serum wrap itself... but they were empty... I kept trying to throw up, but I couldn't...

I thought to myself "I'll be OK, it's hard to OD on benzo's on their own" ... Problem was I had a lot of stuff built up from earlier in the day... I left it all at home... and was about to get my medication for the night, which was really a 30 mg dilaudid..

I laid down on my bed, and wasn't there for more than 10 minutes.... they were kicking in, and I was feeling crazy... that's all I can say, because I only remember a few things after this...

I was setting up a game of risk that we were playing the weekend before... I sat there and made sure EVERY piece was in it's right place, and there was at least 200 tiny little pieces... sitting on the edge of an empty bed... someone walked past, and bumped into it, and all the pieces fell....

And for some reason.... I snapped..

I threw the board. and pieces... the guards had been keeping an eye on me (one of them told me they notices I was acting very strange) ... they came right up, and asked me to come with them... I yelled and screamed and told them I wasn't going, and they could go **** themselves...

Needless to say they grabbed me and pulled me into the solitary confinement cell..

I was yelling and screaming at them like an idiot...
They said they were going to take my mattress, and I threw it through the bars and yelled something crazy like "here, have it, I don't need the god damn thing" only with other worse langauge mixed in..

they handcuffed me, and I don't remember much of the struggle... I think I had shakkles and handcuffs on woven together so I couldn't move...

They came up to me, and I thought it was the next morning... but it was lattttte in the after noon... I passed out, and had square marks all over me from the bed frame I slept on...

I asked them If I could have my medication... and of course they said no..

they asked what I took, and I told them a few Valium and a few beer... or something stupid like that..

They took me outside, with shackles and handcuffs on... I apologized... a lot of times, and said how sorry I was for acting like that... I was a MESS....

I came back in.... ate something, and slept till Sunday... I was sick by this point because of my opiate withdrawal..

I asked them for my medication, and they said "Well, we can't give you the xanax right now, but we can give you the effexxor.... "Yeah, that's fine" ...

I crushed it up, and slept till I was able to be released the next morning..

I got a shower before I left...this was early Monday morning... The last shower I had was friday at 6ish?


I left... embarrassed... they gave me my wallet, my medication card... and suggested I get some help.... I told them I just mixed drinking with my pills and I wasn't supposed to" which they knew was bogus..

I left... ashamed of myself...