you'll see why I was putting this off for so long.. but time to pull the band-aid off..

This week consisted of the same old shit... stealing to support my habit.. trying to get enough for the weekend...

Well, this included stealing from my family members...

I did this with the intent on getting whatever I pawned off back "as soon as I could"... so I convinced myself it was alright at the time.. Looking back on it now, I realize how insane this was.. but it was the addiction fueling me..

My parents kicked me out... I can't remember what I took, but they told me I had to leave...
I didn't care at this point, I was angry, but I just wanted to keep getting high.

I left, and went to a local store... stole enough to get a few pills.. then went to "my friends house" and shot up..

Feeling great, and on top of the world again... even though my life was completely falling apart..

I stayed the night there.. and the next morning, I decided I would go back to my house to get some of my stuff..

When I got there the doors were locked, and the keys were not in their hiding places..
So I had to break in.. and I did, quite easily through a window..

I took a bunch of stuff... not just my own, out of anger, pain, self-hate..
I just wanted to keep getting high and forget how shitty my life truly was...

I left with a bag full of expensive meat, and some electronics.. and went to trade them for pills..

I look back at all of this... and thank god that i'm not there anymore... thank god I have trust and i'm so lucky to be where I'm at today... anyone can... it just takes work, and their own plan.... my plan may not work for others, but it might for some... just don't give up, or give in...

...Anyway, after a few hours of injecting, and having"fun"; I went to another friends house..
He scored some xanax, and we ate a bunch of that.. I gave him half a 30mg pill.. we snorted it, because he didn't inject, and I didn't want many people knowing..

We hung out, talked about pointless stuff... then I wanted more..
We needed money though...

All in the same night... I made 40 dollars (the price of one pill)... Went back and did it...
Another friend came over, and we all wanted more... more more more.... you can't fucking get enough.. even when it stops getting you high... you'll do almost anything to get it once you're deep in... it turns GREAT people into monsters.. So please don't judge someone because of their addiction.. in a way we almost all have our own... Prescription pills, wine, beer, coffee, chocolate... they give us pleasure.. and we crave it, and want it..... some substances though, make that craving a thousand times stronger... and if you're coffee at times cost 40 dollars... you'd find somewhere else to get it.. or quit.. but you don't go through the withdrawal like you do with drugs..

..So I did that... then I got the bright idea to go to my cousins house (this is the first time you're going to hear everything, and I'm sorry... we've made amends, and I've given you money, but this still brings up shame and guilt I can't even explain.. )

I knew he had change laying on the tables, and in his coats.. a bit of a change hoarder ; )
so I went there, and used a key -I knew where it was- to get in...
My heart was beating... what would I say if he came home? what would I do?
I rushed through the house, grabbing as much change as I could..

Then I saw that he got a new computer... and his old one was laying on the floor..
I don't know why I did this... I was very intoxicated from mixing downers.. I didn't really think of how it would look carrying a computer tower in the middle of the night through snow... but that didn't stop me..

Then I went upstairs and took some video games he had sitting out..

I put them in a bag, and left as fast as I could.. wiping my prints off of the door handle..

Like a bugler would do... Which, was what I was at that time..

I ran to a place I knew, through the snow in his back yard (yeah that wouldn't leave any marks)
And went and sold his computer to a guy for 40 dollars, and another 10 for the games (I think)

I had enough from the change to get another pill.. and I did..

I went back and shot up..

This was around a Tuesday I think...

Anyway, the next day I woke up and hitchhiked up to Amherst to see what I could steal..

I went receipt shopping... which is where you find a receipt for something worth at-least 80 dollars  then go find that item and try to return it for cash... this worked for me many times... but not today apparently..
I found some expensive air filters... worth about 120 dollars.. their were two on the receipt, but I thought i'd just take back one box and tell them I thought I would need two, but turns out I only needed one..

Good plan I thought..

I grabbed a happy face sticker at the front when the greeter wasn't looking, and slapped it onto the box..

I stood in line like I was going to pay for it, then walked right past the cashier and told her I was returning this..
She started to do it up, and asked the date I bought it, and all of that... everything I had memorized..
She said "Ok, this will just take a second"

.. She started to punch it in, and scan it.. and I was sure I got away with it... she got a phone call and said "I'm sorry I can't return this for you" After she got off the phone... I said, OK, I've got to grab some things... mind if I leave this here?" she said it was fine, and I bolted out of there..

I got halfway through the parking lot... when a huge man, in plain clothes started to chase after me..
I didn't run, I acted like I didn't do anything..

He grabbed a hold of me without identifying himself... so I yelled " HELP" Some guy ran over and tried to stop him... he said "I'm detaining him for attempted fraud"
I lied and yelled "I owe this guy money, and he's going to beat me up"... the guy stood back and didn't know what to do..

He went to his car and sat down on his phone.. I assume he was calling the police..
I told the guy grabbing me that he better let me go... and he said why?
I said "because you don't know what might happen if you don't"..
He said "Are you threatening me?"
I said "No, take it however you want to.. but is this job worth risking anything for?"
And for some reason with that, he let me go... I ran like a bat out of hell, and got away...

Sad thing is, I went to another store, and did the exact same thing...

I hitchhiked home.. and went to "my friends" house, he went to score, and we sat around waiting... I got high... then called my mom... she said "Neil... you need to come home"... with fear in her voice.. it was almost breaking.. on the verge of crying....
"I'm coming now, I love you mom.... I'm sorry about everything, but I still love you"
"I'll always love you my child" was what she said... and she meant it... she's been there for me through everything..

As I walked home, I knew the cops were looking for me... So I hide some pills in my jacket, and swallowed one becase I knew I was going to be going to jail tonight...

When I turned the corner I saw a police car in our drive way... I walked in.... he was sitting there at the table... so were my parents... "have a seat Neil" he said...
And I did...

It was a half hour discussion... my parents crying... I admitted what I did, and told my parents how sorry I was... I knew I was going to jail for a while..

He was very nice, and sympathetic to what was happening to me and my family... he didn't even handcuff me.. just let me walk to the car and drive to the stations...

-End.