CCCF..

They brought me over to the Cumberland County Correctional Facility within an hour after being sentenced..

Knowing I wouldn't be getting out of there in 2 nights -like on weekends- made me sick..
The thought of being here for any amount of time made me cringe..

I deserved to be here, and everyone thought this is what I needed to get back on track..
But would it really be enough?

We pulled up in the sheriffs van, and they backed up to the entrance gate.. They opened the back door of the van and let me step down.. in handcuffs and shackles, which is harder then you'd think...  Until you get used to it..

After almost falling over they walked up to the gate, and pressed the buzzer.. two guards walked out, and opened it up.. They escorted me into the jail..

They took be into the first set of holding cells, and had me kneel onto the bed.. they un-cuffed my legs and arms, then locked the cell door..

I could hear the other inmates from the maximum area yelling, and trying to look down the hall.. they were yelling stuff at me, calling me a "fish" and a few others names..

One guy I could see was bald, had tattoos on his neck and face, and was probably 300 lbs and well over 6 feet tall.. Having him yell at me was pretty scary at the time..  And had my mind racing..
"What did I get myself into this time" I thought...

The guards came down, and brought be a laundry bag full of clothes, and told me to strip down..
This is a pretty demeaning but necessary process.. at 18 years old I've had more male guards see me naked then girls I knew.. And this thought floated around my head.. Is this what my life is going to be like?

I had to go through this rigmarole every weekend I spent here.. but knowing I was going to be here for at least 5 months made it even worse..

I got dressed in the jail outfit.. A pair of green elastic pants, a pair of plain blue slip on shoes.. and a light green shirt that said "Correctional facility" on the back..
This was everything I dreamed of at 18 year old... I never thought drugs would get me to this point..
Each new low kept surprising me.. I don't know why, everyone told me I'd end up in jail or dead from drugs..

But at 18 years old, and being addicted to drugs.. I didn't listen or care..

I sat at the end of a long hallway in my own cell for a few hours.. yelling back and forth to the guys in max..
They wanted to know who I was, what I did.. all that stuff..

They finally came down and got me.. and handed me some bedding and towels.. They brought me down to the maximum are (where all inmates go at first here) and opened the doors.. They told me I'd be in cell 2, and opened it up for me.. I sat my stuff down and turned around and there were 3 other people standing at the entrance of my cell..

I introduced myself, and talked to each one of them.. The weird thing about this was they were all actually pretty nice guys, they just got caught up in stuff and let their lives spin out of control until they ended up here..

It was pretty routine and simple.. We watched TV, or played cards and dice.. We'd eat three times a day and all go to bed at ten..

For the first two days there I felt fine.. I had some drugs hidden, and everyday at lunch time I would crush them and snort them..
I didn't dare tell anyone I had them or I'd be harassed or muscled into giving them up. I was 110lbs soaking wet in a wool sweater at this point.. I didn't want to risk anything.

When the guards came around this day, they asked me to come with them.. I had to fill out some paper work and answer some questions about my drug use.. I told them I was starting to get really sick and feel horrible, and they decided I would have to go to the hospital to see a doctor..

.. Off to the hospital I went, wearing the "correctional facility shirt" and in handcuffs... They brought me through town in a van with tinted windows..
In  a weird way I was excited to get out.. I also wanted my medication back so I was happy to see a doctor..

The two guards brought me into the hospital.. and I sat in the waiting room..
..I'll never forget that there was a little girl there, who looked at me like I was a monster.. She ran to her mom and said "mommy is he a bad guy" And I could hear her say "No, he just did bad things"..
My heart literally sunk.. I was no longer a member of society.. I was now an outcast.. a loser.. a criminal..
In a way I wanted to give up and accept my fate.. on the other hand I wanted to somehow show I was better then all of this..

For some reason I figured I could do both.. and have the best of both worlds.. over the 6 months I spent there I convinced myself moderation was the key, and that as long as I didn't do it every day, and I didn't steal in order to get my drugs.. then I wasn't doing anything wrong..


.. I ended up asking the guards if we could wait in the private room.. I was too embarrassed to have everyone look at me.. They didn't mind, so we waited in there..
A woman came in and used the phone in there... and was crying.. I didn't listen to what she was saying, but I know she was sad.. and having me in there probably made it worse.. I just looked away and pretended I wasn't there..

I got called into the doctors office finally after an hour of awkward questions from the guards about my past..
I had to tell the doctor what I was prescribed, and all the illegal drugs I was taking..

I tried to convince the doctor that I still needed my hydromorphone prescription due to pain.. but he shot that down and prescribed me codeine and Valium to ween me off of the drugs slowly instead.
He also gave me my ativan prescription for anxiety, and clonidine to help with the withdrawals..

..It was weird they would prescribe me both Valium and ativan at the same time, but I wasn't going to complain.. I was excited to have drugs, and already planned on saving them up..

And back to the jail we went...

Sorry it's been so long..

I've been working so much lately that I just let my blog sort of die.. I miss writing.. and I miss seeing my blog inspire so many people and help them..

I'm sick tonight, and took the night off work, so I'm going to write another post.. Beginning from where the last one left off..

..

I stayed the night in the Springhill jail cells..
They let me smoke my cigarettes every once in a while when I was there.. (There's no smoking in jail anymore, so this probably doesn't happen any more)

They took my coat from me, so I didn't have access to my pills I had hidden in it..

I just nodded off and thought about where my life was at... I didn't really care..

I was happy to be in jail, at the very least my tolerance would go down.. I didn't really care about changing.. and didn't change at all..

The next morning after I woke up they asked me what I wanted for breakfast.. I remember I had ham and eggs from a motel here in town..

I ate that, which was one of the only things I had eaten that week.. and cried when I was done.. I was sober again.. and all of my thoughts were racing..
I only really thought of myself.. I didn't think of why I was there, and the people I hurt to get myself here.. I didn't feel sorry for what I did... I felt sorry for myself..

The two officers came into the holding cell area and told me we were leaving for court in 10 minutes..
They let me out of the cell and let me put my coat on.. As soon as I put it on I could feel where my stashed pills were.. and I was happy again, because I knew I could get high once I got to the court house..

It was 8:00am and court was at 9.. there was some fresh snow on the ground, and it was really sunny that morning.. and even a little warm..
I was handcuffed and put in the back of the cop car..
We pulled out and they started talking to me..

Asking me why I was doing what I was doing.. I didn't really have an answer for them.. I was just telling them what they wanted to hear so they'd give me some smokes.. The only thing on my mind was getting high at the court house..

We talked about how I first started, and why I would hurt my family just to get pills... People don't really understand drug addiction, and can't imagine doing something like that to someone else, let alone their own family..

The drugs take hold, they control your thoughts and your actions.. all you want is your drugs, and nothing else matters to you at that moment..
So everything else comes second.. that's why addicts convince themselves it's OK to take things.. The thoughts going through their minds are: "I'm going to get it back once I get the money for it" or "They won't notice it's missing, and I'll just buy them a new one once I get some money"

But as soon as you get some money, it goes towards drugs, not towards the things you took.

So we got to the court house after a long drive there, and they took me upstairs after one last smoke..

I went upstairs, they took my handcuffs off and put me back in the salmon colored cells.. Which make everything else even more depressing..

I instantly asked for some magazines and a lawyers aid form..

As soon as they brought them to me I pulled out some pills and crushed them, and put a few I had left back in my coat... I crushed them with the side of a pencil... and the powder had yellow paint from the side of it stuck in it.. I didn't even bother trying to pick it out because I knew I didn't have a whole lot of time..

I snorted it with a page I ripped out of a readers digest book... and then flushed the tube I made.

I laid down for a while.. filling out the green paper to get a legal aid lawyer.. I felt the drugs kicking in... everything was OK for the moment..

I had to wait for a few hours, They gave us lunch.. a bag of chips, a chocolate milk and a sandwich..
When I was done they called my name on the docket..
They let me out of my cell and the sheriffs brought me into the court room..

My cousin was there.. and I couldn't even look at him.. I wish I had of just said "I'm sorry!" or anything.. but I didn't.. I was embarrassed, and felt like an idiot..

I plead guilty, and got sentenced to 6 months in jail, plus the month an a half I had left from doing weekends was collapsed into the sentence... making it closer to 8 months..

They brought me back out into the holding cells in the court, and told me the guards would be over to take me to the Amherst County Jail soon..

I took the pills I had and hid them so I could use them in the jail.. and maybe taper myself off of them.
Because I wasn't going to ever get high in jail... Or was I?

you'll see why I was putting this off for so long.. but time to pull the band-aid off..

This week consisted of the same old shit... stealing to support my habit.. trying to get enough for the weekend...

Well, this included stealing from my family members...

I did this with the intent on getting whatever I pawned off back "as soon as I could"... so I convinced myself it was alright at the time.. Looking back on it now, I realize how insane this was.. but it was the addiction fueling me..

My parents kicked me out... I can't remember what I took, but they told me I had to leave...
I didn't care at this point, I was angry, but I just wanted to keep getting high.

I left, and went to a local store... stole enough to get a few pills.. then went to "my friends house" and shot up..

Feeling great, and on top of the world again... even though my life was completely falling apart..

I stayed the night there.. and the next morning, I decided I would go back to my house to get some of my stuff..

When I got there the doors were locked, and the keys were not in their hiding places..
So I had to break in.. and I did, quite easily through a window..

I took a bunch of stuff... not just my own, out of anger, pain, self-hate..
I just wanted to keep getting high and forget how shitty my life truly was...

I left with a bag full of expensive meat, and some electronics.. and went to trade them for pills..

I look back at all of this... and thank god that i'm not there anymore... thank god I have trust and i'm so lucky to be where I'm at today... anyone can... it just takes work, and their own plan.... my plan may not work for others, but it might for some... just don't give up, or give in...

...Anyway, after a few hours of injecting, and having"fun"; I went to another friends house..
He scored some xanax, and we ate a bunch of that.. I gave him half a 30mg pill.. we snorted it, because he didn't inject, and I didn't want many people knowing..

We hung out, talked about pointless stuff... then I wanted more..
We needed money though...

All in the same night... I made 40 dollars (the price of one pill)... Went back and did it...
Another friend came over, and we all wanted more... more more more.... you can't fucking get enough.. even when it stops getting you high... you'll do almost anything to get it once you're deep in... it turns GREAT people into monsters.. So please don't judge someone because of their addiction.. in a way we almost all have our own... Prescription pills, wine, beer, coffee, chocolate... they give us pleasure.. and we crave it, and want it..... some substances though, make that craving a thousand times stronger... and if you're coffee at times cost 40 dollars... you'd find somewhere else to get it.. or quit.. but you don't go through the withdrawal like you do with drugs..

..So I did that... then I got the bright idea to go to my cousins house (this is the first time you're going to hear everything, and I'm sorry... we've made amends, and I've given you money, but this still brings up shame and guilt I can't even explain.. )

I knew he had change laying on the tables, and in his coats.. a bit of a change hoarder ; )
so I went there, and used a key -I knew where it was- to get in...
My heart was beating... what would I say if he came home? what would I do?
I rushed through the house, grabbing as much change as I could..

Then I saw that he got a new computer... and his old one was laying on the floor..
I don't know why I did this... I was very intoxicated from mixing downers.. I didn't really think of how it would look carrying a computer tower in the middle of the night through snow... but that didn't stop me..

Then I went upstairs and took some video games he had sitting out..

I put them in a bag, and left as fast as I could.. wiping my prints off of the door handle..

Like a bugler would do... Which, was what I was at that time..

I ran to a place I knew, through the snow in his back yard (yeah that wouldn't leave any marks)
And went and sold his computer to a guy for 40 dollars, and another 10 for the games (I think)

I had enough from the change to get another pill.. and I did..

I went back and shot up..

This was around a Tuesday I think...

Anyway, the next day I woke up and hitchhiked up to Amherst to see what I could steal..

I went receipt shopping... which is where you find a receipt for something worth at-least 80 dollars  then go find that item and try to return it for cash... this worked for me many times... but not today apparently..
I found some expensive air filters... worth about 120 dollars.. their were two on the receipt, but I thought i'd just take back one box and tell them I thought I would need two, but turns out I only needed one..

Good plan I thought..

I grabbed a happy face sticker at the front when the greeter wasn't looking, and slapped it onto the box..

I stood in line like I was going to pay for it, then walked right past the cashier and told her I was returning this..
She started to do it up, and asked the date I bought it, and all of that... everything I had memorized..
She said "Ok, this will just take a second"

.. She started to punch it in, and scan it.. and I was sure I got away with it... she got a phone call and said "I'm sorry I can't return this for you" After she got off the phone... I said, OK, I've got to grab some things... mind if I leave this here?" she said it was fine, and I bolted out of there..

I got halfway through the parking lot... when a huge man, in plain clothes started to chase after me..
I didn't run, I acted like I didn't do anything..

He grabbed a hold of me without identifying himself... so I yelled " HELP" Some guy ran over and tried to stop him... he said "I'm detaining him for attempted fraud"
I lied and yelled "I owe this guy money, and he's going to beat me up"... the guy stood back and didn't know what to do..

He went to his car and sat down on his phone.. I assume he was calling the police..
I told the guy grabbing me that he better let me go... and he said why?
I said "because you don't know what might happen if you don't"..
He said "Are you threatening me?"
I said "No, take it however you want to.. but is this job worth risking anything for?"
And for some reason with that, he let me go... I ran like a bat out of hell, and got away...

Sad thing is, I went to another store, and did the exact same thing...

I hitchhiked home.. and went to "my friends" house, he went to score, and we sat around waiting... I got high... then called my mom... she said "Neil... you need to come home"... with fear in her voice.. it was almost breaking.. on the verge of crying....
"I'm coming now, I love you mom.... I'm sorry about everything, but I still love you"
"I'll always love you my child" was what she said... and she meant it... she's been there for me through everything..

As I walked home, I knew the cops were looking for me... So I hide some pills in my jacket, and swallowed one becase I knew I was going to be going to jail tonight...

When I turned the corner I saw a police car in our drive way... I walked in.... he was sitting there at the table... so were my parents... "have a seat Neil" he said...
And I did...

It was a half hour discussion... my parents crying... I admitted what I did, and told my parents how sorry I was... I knew I was going to jail for a while..

He was very nice, and sympathetic to what was happening to me and my family... he didn't even handcuff me.. just let me walk to the car and drive to the stations...

-End.

Hey guys!

Hey loyal readers... I feel horrible after all the emails and messages I've been getting...
I'm verrrrrry sorry for the lack of posts, but I needed to take a break for a couple of reasons..

Writing in detail was starting to give me cravings... Nothing serious, just annoying to deal with them. But I'm very good and overcoming them.. After 3 years it's so much easier...  It gets easier every day actually..

The second reason... I took a seizure at work, and I've also been working 12 hour shifts, sometimes days, sometimes back shifts... and I get home from a shift, head right to bed after eating and getting a shower... and don't have any time to write..

I've also been swamped with emails, which is my main priority, helping others... That's the reason I started this blog, and I'll always put the emails first..

Some days I get 1 emails.... others I'll get 10+, and I don't just write a few lines and press send.. I give the best advice I can possibly give that person at the time.. and my main goal, is to help at least one person through this blog... To open some eyes to people who never used...

I was people to understand that addicts are still people... people that have families... people that have loved ones who are at the end of their rope with fear and stress due to their disease

and it is a disease... A lot of people consider it self inflicted... but No one gets into drugs thinking they're going to get addicted..

I want to show them the life, and the mindset of an addict.. and someone who came through it all..

I want people to look at addicts like humans... I know some addicts who have NEVER stolen to support their habit, yet they're still sometimes looked down upon, or people assume they would steal from them if you let them in your house..

Don't give up on them, and please don't judge them... you don't know their story... you don't know what they go through everyday... If you lived a week in the life of them, I'm sure you would never judge them again..



I'd like to see better programs, and long term treatment centers built instead of expanding our prisons...
most of the people in prison have substance abuse problems... if you treated the CAUSE of their criminal behavior, you'd see a lot less people in prison..

They should have drug rehab prisons... where you have to go to for a year at least depending on your crime..
It would sold so many problems, and help a lot more people VS. sending them to prison.


June 15th was my 3 year mark for not being high... Not even a joint : )

I'm going to be posting, I'm off till Monday, so I'll start posting again.

Thanks for your concern guys : )

Keep reading, check in tomorrow afternoon.... I'll have a good post up!

Take care guys!

-Neil

This is to M.M

My thoughts are with you and your family... Get well soon buddy! I miss seeing you. Stay strong, and I know you'll beat this!

I just want you to know I'm thinking about you, and very worried.
I pray everything works out, and I'm sure it will! : )

But hurry up and get better!

your friend
-Neil!

All week, heavy abuse..

This week was one of my worst for sure..

I got released, and still had a bunch of drugs.. I got some money this week, and just binged..

Same thing all day, get high, pass out, wake up, get high... A sad existence..

So I was home and it was almost Friday again.. I had my medication ready to go for the weekend, and I went to the hospital again. I got another prescription to xanax, and was excited about that..

I woke up Friday morning with a bang... Literally.. and also swallowed some xanax..

I got a shower, and made my way over town.. hung out with a few guys and used.. and also got some more ketamine in the mail..

I ordered a 1000mg vial (1 gram) and as soon as I saw it in the mail I took it home..
I poured it out on a cookie sheet, and turned it on the lowest heat...
It ended up evaporating, and turned into a few white clumps.. I took it out, and crushed it up fine... and put it in 10 wax paper flaps..

I took a small piece of cotton, and a needle full of water and put it into the empty vial... I shook it up, and sucked up the liquid.. There was still a very small amount of ketamine in it.

I took the mix and used it to cook up a dilaudid.. I got it all ready, then precoded to snort 2 flaps of ketamine... I waited until it kicked in, and I injected the dilaudid... I cleaned everything up after the rush... and went to my room..

I was in there tripping out, feeling a feeling I can't describe..
But I'll try..

I felt like I wasn't in my own body... like I was floating around the room.. seeing things, while I opened my eyes, and closed them..

I saw very spiritual things, and felt this power inside of me..
I was tripping out pretty hard, but I wasn't scared... I felt like I was spiraling through space at one point... my body and my mind were one, spinning, doing backflips, front flips and barrel rolls..

This ended after about an hour, maybe a little more..

When I came down, it was just the opiate high...

I was done for the rest of the day I told myself.. No more drugs..

I took a nap, and woke up around 6 and got a shower.. I had to go to the jail..

My mother dropped me off, and I felt fine... so I got out at tims, and got a coffee... when she left, I went to the pharmacy and filled my cards..

I went back over to the café , and went into the bathroom... and I took xanax, and crushed it, I knew how much one crushed pill would fit into a pen cap, so I knew I'd be fine with it.. I crushed 40 or more pills, and swallowed 10 for the buzz..
I wrapped them in serum wrap and as I was walking to the jail I put them deep under my tongue..

I walked in, and they passed me my kit bag...
I'm not sure if this was the time, or if it was one of the times before... but one of the guys that was coming in was drunk, and pulled out a bag full of pills for them, and they had them sitting on the counter... I knew what a few of them were, but I didn't say much..

They stripped me down fast, and wanted to get rid of me...
I got dressed and turned to go when I heard him say "Can you show me under your tongue?"
I swallowed them with the spit built up in my mouth..

I turned around, and let him see... "OK.. go up stairs" he said..

I was in panic mode, I had to get these out of my stomach, because they weren't wrapped tightly enough for that...

I got up there, and tried to make myself through up... It took for ever.. and I couldn't get much up... a little coffee I drank and the serum wrap itself... but they were empty... I kept trying to throw up, but I couldn't...

I thought to myself "I'll be OK, it's hard to OD on benzo's on their own" ... Problem was I had a lot of stuff built up from earlier in the day... I left it all at home... and was about to get my medication for the night, which was really a 30 mg dilaudid..

I laid down on my bed, and wasn't there for more than 10 minutes.... they were kicking in, and I was feeling crazy... that's all I can say, because I only remember a few things after this...

I was setting up a game of risk that we were playing the weekend before... I sat there and made sure EVERY piece was in it's right place, and there was at least 200 tiny little pieces... sitting on the edge of an empty bed... someone walked past, and bumped into it, and all the pieces fell....

And for some reason.... I snapped..

I threw the board. and pieces... the guards had been keeping an eye on me (one of them told me they notices I was acting very strange) ... they came right up, and asked me to come with them... I yelled and screamed and told them I wasn't going, and they could go **** themselves...

Needless to say they grabbed me and pulled me into the solitary confinement cell..

I was yelling and screaming at them like an idiot...
They said they were going to take my mattress, and I threw it through the bars and yelled something crazy like "here, have it, I don't need the god damn thing" only with other worse langauge mixed in..

they handcuffed me, and I don't remember much of the struggle... I think I had shakkles and handcuffs on woven together so I couldn't move...

They came up to me, and I thought it was the next morning... but it was lattttte in the after noon... I passed out, and had square marks all over me from the bed frame I slept on...

I asked them If I could have my medication... and of course they said no..

they asked what I took, and I told them a few Valium and a few beer... or something stupid like that..

They took me outside, with shackles and handcuffs on... I apologized... a lot of times, and said how sorry I was for acting like that... I was a MESS....

I came back in.... ate something, and slept till Sunday... I was sick by this point because of my opiate withdrawal..

I asked them for my medication, and they said "Well, we can't give you the xanax right now, but we can give you the effexxor.... "Yeah, that's fine" ...

I crushed it up, and slept till I was able to be released the next morning..

I got a shower before I left...this was early Monday morning... The last shower I had was friday at 6ish?


I left... embarrassed... they gave me my wallet, my medication card... and suggested I get some help.... I told them I just mixed drinking with my pills and I wasn't supposed to" which they knew was bogus..

I left... ashamed of myself...

And back to jail for the weekend...

Going to jail on the weekend wasn't too bad thus far, Every weekend I stayed high, quiet.. and got through it the best I could...

But it was Friday, I had no money, and only 3 pills... I couldn't possibly get through the weekend without at least 30mgs or so a day, so I needed to come up with a plan..

I went to the hospital, and got a re-fill on xanax... I also complained of some pain, and got some Tylenol 3...
I was excited at first when my doctor pulled out a triplicate pad.. but was devastated when he told me I was getting codeine.. To be, it was as useless as the Tylenol they put in it... It wouldn't even hold off my withdrawal symptoms at the very least..  I had no plans to get any money today... but I always seemed to score pills one way or another..

It was around lunch time... I already took a shot in the morning, and had 3 pills remaining, which I was trying to save until I could take them to the pharmacy..

I filled my prescriptions, and got rid of most of the Tylenol 3's for 2 dollars a piece... I was able to buy 2 more 24mg pills, and still had 20 or so left, so I could legally bring them into the jail with me.
I figured I had enough, so I took a few xanax, and chilled out, waiting for 8pm to roll around..

It was around 6, and I was craving bad... So I took one of the pills, and cooked it up.
I injected it.. I felt wonderful, and the xanax was creeping up, making me careless, and wanting to get as many pills as I could...

I came up with a very stupid idea, and called someone to give me a drive to Amherst..

When we got there, I went to the pharmacy and filled my prescription.. I split the 24mg pills up into 12mgs or so in each capsule, and assumed that would be enough because I had a rig inside the jail now..
When I got to the pharmacy, I realized I had forgotten my Tylenol 3's... which would have added to the total of drugs in my system, which would be more than enough to hold off cravings and withdrawal mixed with the dilaudid and xanax.. I was sort of upset, but I didn't care, as long as I had my dilaudids..

When we left the pharmacy, I told the guy driving to take me to a house I knew...
It was a long drive, maybe 25 minutes or so, and once we got there I told him to wait..

I had a lot of xanax in my system, and whenever I took the stuff I always ended up doing something really stupid... worse than usual, just downright crazy and DUMB.
I walked up to the house and knocked... The couple at home knew me, I did a small amount of yard work for them. I asked them if I could use their bathroom, because I had to go bad, and they were the only people I knew in the area... the were more than happy to let me, and were as nice as could be..

When I went upstairs, I was on a mission... straight to the bathroom, and into the medicine cabinet..
I knew there were dilaudids and oxycodone pills in there. There was a month ago, and the dates on the bottles were all very old, so I knew they didn't need them that much... and wouldn't notice they were gone..

I emptied the first bottle of dilaudid into a baggy.. they were 8 mg pills, and I got about 40 of them..
Then I took the 10mg oxycodone pills, that were mixed with Tylenol..
I turned on the tap, so the pill bottles wouldn't make much of a sound..

After that I kept looking, searching every name on every bottle in there... There was a new bottle, the label said Meperidine Hydrochloride 100mg, take one pill every 6-8 hours as needed.. There was at least 90 pills in the bottle, but I think there was 120.. I took 30 or so of them, and set them back in there was if they weren't touched..

For those of you who don't know, Meperidine, is the generic name for Demerol.. A powerful synthetic opiod.

I felt like I had just won a jackpot, and left the house with a smile on my face... "Thank you very much" I said, "Have a great night" and out the door I went..

I ran to the car with a smile on my face, and he knew I has scored something...
Before I went in, I took 40 dollars from him, and told him I was buying him some pills..

I jumped in the car, and we took off... I pulled out the Demerol and the oxycodone, and told him "Jeff didn't have any dilaudid"... He was disappointed at first, because he though they were all percocets... he was happy once he had them into him and started to feel good..

I got dropped off at Timhortons, and asked him to pick me up the following Monday morning.. he said he would, and I headed inside... I had 30 minutes until I had to surrender myself to the jail for the weekend, so I bought a coffee, and went into the bathroom..

out came my kit, and I cooked up a big shot.. a few Demerol, and 4 or 5 dilaudid 8's..
Demerol are big pills, but they break down pretty easy... I cooked them up first, and sucked them up into the needle... Then I cleaned the spoon, and crushed the dilaudids.. which I then added the needle full of Demerol solution to, and heated it, then filtered it...

It was a potent shot, and actually very dangerous while I was on another downer (xanax) and still had dilaudid in my system..

I sat on the toilet, and tied off with the string from my sweater, still in the hood.. just pulled out as far as it would go..

I found a vein, hit it, then let go of the tie... 2CC's of liquid entering my veins.. and I felt the rush... It felt amazing.. and I was feeling better than ever, until about 10 seconds after it was in me... I got violently ill and started throwing up.. I couldn't stop... I had less than 10 minutes to get to the jail, but couldn't stop throwing up..

I was feeling very sick, and was putting my kit (needle/lighter/filters..etc) away, and hiding it in the bathroom.. I was also hiding drugs to take into the jail.. I took a bunch of wrapped them in plastic wrap, and then melted them with a lighter.. all while I was still violently sick...

It stopped at about 5 minutes till I had to be there... It was right across from the jail... so I chugged my coffee, and lit a smoke... I made my way over, while I was swallowing the pills I had wrapped up..

I rang the buzzer, and they let me in... I handed them my medication cards, and went to get undressed, they checked me, and I got dressed in the jail gear..
They opened the doors and led me upstairs... I went up, and instantly went into the bathroom and threw up in the sink..

I ran the water, and took out the pills..
I stayed in there for a while, splashing water in my face.. then brushed my teeth... I hid the pills, and went into the dorm area.. one of the guys asked me if I was OK, and I told him I was just getting over the flu..

I tried to watch tv, and could barely keep my eyes open... I had to try until medication time, and then lights out or the guards would notice..

One of the guards came to the door with the medication cards... I swallowed the xanax, but kept the dilaudid capsule.. I didn't even want it at this point... I just wanted to go to bed so I wouldn't feel so sick..

I ended up falling asleep with my glasses on, and a book on my chest.. I woke up the exact same way..

But I felt fine, I wasn't craving... but I wanted to get high anyway..
I went into the bathroom, and to my hiding spot... the needle was gone...

I was furious... Was it one of the other guys inside? did the guards find it? I was so upset... this was my favorite way of doing them, and it would take me a lot less to get high.... Now I had to snort it just to feel anything..

I crushed up the capsule, and added a few 8mg dilaudids to it, and snorted it... I sat down on the shower ledge and let it absorb a little...
I took 1 of the Demerol, and crushed it up... It was a large pill, and I should have made it into a few lines... I heard it had a bad burn, so I wanted to just snort it in one line....

I did... but I wasn't prepared for what was about to happen..
I felt the worst pain I have ever felt in my life... I felt like I had just snorted pepper spray... my eyes instantly went red, and teared up.. I was sucking water up my nose in an attempt to rinse it clean... I was gagging, and woke a couple guys up..

It finally stopped... and it took me every ounce of strength I had in me not to throw up, I didn't want to waste the rest of my drugs..


I went out, and opened a bottle of pop and drank almost half of it... I laid there, and read some of my book... And started to feel the slight rush, the euphoria.. everything was ok again... but how long would this all last? I couldn't keep getting away with everything I was doing..

I committed a crime, and was sentenced to weekends... I was still breaking the law and using drugs every day.. I deserved to be locked up...

But how much longer would this run last?

Sorry for the break..

I've been working, and haven't found a lot of time to write, I'm going to get back into it this week.
I've also had some really bad cravings, due to drug dreams and coming down off of my medication.

I just need to focus on whats important right now, I'm still responding to all of the emails I get, but I won't be writing another blog until Wednesday morning... I'll write a few then!

Thanks for your support guys, and I'm sorry because I know you guys wanna keep reading them and hearing more of my story!

Neil

Email: neilcalder1@gmail.com

Sneaking around..

It was the same thing as the previous weekend..

I came in, high..
Laid down, and mellowed out for a while.. I always read some random book, or magazine.. Or tried to at least..
I would shower twice a day, eat a lot of junk food, and just sorta hangout..

I'd play cards when I could, but most of the time I was too tired from the drugs to actually wanna do anything..

It was the next morning.. We got our medication.. and I actually saved mine for a while.. I didn't want to snort it, I wanted to inject it..

We got our brunch.. I ate a little bit of mine, and saved what I could... It was hard to eat until I did a pill..
Then I would get extremely hungry..

I was waiting for our recreation time.. It's the only thing that mattered at this point.. and waiting was torture..
I wanted to get out there, for our 30 minutes, and grab my rig and be on my way...

I was watching tv... The same shows every weekend.. "Horse power TV" And other stupid "Hot rod and 4X4 shows I hated... I just wanted to get outside..

They finally let us, and I couldn't wait..

We walked past maximum, and I knew a couple of the guys in there.. They were asking me for tobacco, and I gave one guy I knew a few smokes and some matches I brought in..
It was a risky move, because I had my "Medication" Hidden upstairs inside a book..

I just tossed it to him and kept walking like I didn't see him.. They asked us if we wanted coats, so I grabbed one..

We went out, and I instantly scanned the ground for it..

There was a light snowfall, so I coudln't see it.. but I knew exactly where it was..

I grabbed a basketball, which was the closest thing in the yard to the rig..
I could accidentally roll the ball towards the spot, and pick it up without them knowing..

I took a shot, and purposely aimed the ball so it would bounce and roll towards the spot..

I ran to get it, ran post the spot where the needle was, and picked it up..
I turned around, and one of the guards was watching me..
I just ran back towards the net and he turned back around..

The guards here were smart.. They were trained to watch for any suspicious behavior, and they got a lot of packages that were meant to come in there.. They scanned the yard before they took us out, and they would make sure we weren't bringing anything in..

With that said, I still got away with a few, and I'll talk about that later..

Anyway, I took the same shot.. It bounced almost beside where the rig was..
I bent down, picked it up and shoved it into my sleeve as I picked the ball up... my heart was racing.. I turned around and the guard was looking at me..

I wasn't sure if he noticed, so I ran back and took a shot..

I hit actually got the ball in and he said something along the lines of  "First time for everything"
Which were my thoughts exactly..

I took a few more shots.. then started walking the small track around the yard..
As I did this, I shoved it into my underwear..

And waited... by this time, it was already 20 minutes or so that we'd been out there..
I wanted to go in bad.. I could hardly wait..

One guy told the guard he had to use the bathroom, he asked a few of the guys if they wanted to stay out longer, and they all agreed..

When they were taking the other guy in, I told them I'd like to come in now too instead of waiting out there..
I told them I was cold..

I took my jacket off, and they brought us upstairs..

I sat laid down in my bed, and the other guy went to the bathroom..
I grabbed the book I had hidden my pill in, and got it.. I grabbed a change of clothes, and a towel... some soap and shampoo, and got ready for a "Shower"

I also grabbed a few pieces of paper, and a bottle of pop.. For the cap..

I waited until he got out of the bathroom, and started the shower... I also started crushing the pill with my foot, and the cap/paper contraption that ended up working the best..

There was still a few beads I hadn't crushed.. but I didn't care at this point..
I took water from the shower.. as hot as it would go and put it into my brown cup..
I drew up the water quick, and squirted it into the cap over the powder..
I crushed it up with the orange cap of the needle, and mixed it around for a long time.. I wanted to get every mg of Dilaudid into my veins.. it took a while until it looked good..
I took a piece of cotton I brought in -Which is hard to get in this jail for some reason- They don't even have q-tips which is strange.

I sucked up the mixture, and added another drop of water with my finger-Usually a very bad idea as your fingers aren't sterile- but either was anything else at this point..
I sucked it up again, and had a full needle of dilaudid..
I forgot one thing though... something to tie my arm off with..
The only thing I could use was a pair of pants... I had to tie it a certain way, and pull the other leg through the knot.. but it worked..

I found the vein, and injected..

I took the tie off, and sat on the toilet..
I felt amazing..
I felt like I was in heaven... I was here, in a jail bathroom, injecting drugs from a dirty pop cap.. yet I felt like I was at the peak of my life.. Which is twisted, and hard to believe at this point in time..
I can't believe that's what I lived for... But I did..

I felt great..

I jumped in the shower, and washed myself very fast... I got out, and dried off..

I put the cap in my towel, after saving the cotton in a piece of paper (It was the only one I had)
and eating the beads.

This is what I did for the rest of the weekend... Same shower routine... same thing every time..

Until Monday morning..
I saved all my xanax under my tongue, and took it an hour before we were getting out that morning.. I also saved my pill so I wouldn't have to worry once I got home. I figured the xanax would hold of my cravings and sickness for a little while.

I hid the rig, and they let us out..

I was happy I wouldn't have to sneak one in anymore..
I really wished I had a spoon, but I couldn't get one..

They released us, and I jumped into the car..
Another guy I knew picked me up...

I told him to take me home, and drive fast... I told him I was sick, and needed to get a pill somehow (even though I had one)
"I've got some 18's man, don't worry"... "got a rig too?" I said... and he did..

He gave me 2 18's for free, he only had 6.. so that was a big deal..
He told me I owed him 30 dollars whenever I could get it... I was fine with that..

I fixed up in the car, instead of going to timhortons..
I used an old pop can he had in the back seat.. Which was extremely Un-sterile..

And a bottle of water..

I took the string out of my sweater, and used it as a tie...

We were just out of town, but the pied piper motel when I actually hit...
I pulled off the tie, and once again... I was in heaven...

In a dirty car, injected shit off of a pop can, and I felt like I was in heaven..
funny how your views and morals can change so fast..

-Neil

Down for the count..

So I had a seizure at work the other day..

Pretty weird experience.. I've had one before that was drug induced, but I don't remember it..

This one, I remember a lot from.. well, coming out of it at least..
I was at work, had a few hours left and I was on my break..
Then I got dizzy and remember people telling me not to get up..

It's hard to explain, it felt like I was at a campfire when I came out of it.. There was people around and I thought I saw a fire..
Kind of weird.. but an ambulance came and took me to Amherst..

They're not sure what caused it.. They did a full drug screen on me to see if that's what it was.. When it cam back clean they sort of look surprised, which kind of upset me.. but I'm sure with my charts and info in front of them it came as a surprise.. He came into the hallway where my girlfriend and her mom were.. and acted surprised when he read it, and told me he was impressed with me or something? The last time he saw me I was probably in for an overdoes so this was more than likely a warm welcome to him..

It could have been from dehydration and a lack of sleep, but to make sure I had to get a ct scan done today.. My necks a little sore still, but aside from that I feel pretty normal.

I'm glad there was some people around at the time.. but I'm not looking forward to the ambulance bill coming..


Anyway, I was gonna get to this after a few posts, but it has some relevance, so I'll bring it up now..

I was at a friends house, and I had to be check into the Amherst jail that night..

We were both broke at the beginning of the day, so we had to make a score in order to stay high and not get sick..

It was snowing, and almost storming out, so we came up with an idea..

I would go to a store with a big coat on.. under that coat I would have a travel bag, in which I could shove expensive stuff into.

It didn't take long to put that plan into action.. and it worked perfectly.. I went in, grabbed a cart.. and started filling it with big things, boxes of cereal, a bag of potatoes.. and made sort of a wall in my cart..
Then I went to the meat section.. I took my time finding the more expensive stuff, and put it in the middle of my cart... There was a lot of people around.. so I couldn't start stealing in right then and there...

I zipped my zipper down a little, enough to reach the bag.. and started shoving small 10-15 dollar steaks into it.. I filled it up and couldn't close it.. and wheeled the cart close to the edge of the store..
I left it there, and walked out the door..

I walked behind the store, and met up with the guy I came there with... He took the bag, and I took the backstreets up to his house..

He went to trade it for drugs..

I remember waiting at his house, after drying off, and warming up.. it felt like forever for him to come back.. He finally did, and when he came through the door I couldn't wait..

He got 4 pills.. which was enough for us to get high twice each..
I remember the big grey pills.. and how cold I still was.. It was probably less than 10 minutes, but it felt like an hour for him to come back..

When he did, his coat was on the floor and he reached for the kit in the cupboard..
That's how powerful this addiction is... if you've got it.. you're doing it..
As soon as you get it.. you instantly need it 10 times more than you did before..
It's like a shark once they sense blood... You become ravenous and instantly will do anything to get it into you..

We both had a plate and a spoon, and we were each crushing our own pill..
It takes a while, but mine was done pretty quick..
We cooked them up and put our cotton in, and drew up the mixture with our syringes..

I let him inject it into me.. He could do it faster.. I would always shake and it took me a while..
I remember him putting it into me.. That string you get when the needle first pierces a hole, which instantly goes away once the plunger is depressed..

I felt amazing.. I was spinning off into my own little world, when suddenly I started shaking and shivering..
I felt like I was going to throw up and couldn't stop shaking.. "What's wrong with me?" I said..
It was like having the flu and being really cold, and I didn't know what it was, so I got scared..

He told me it was "just cotton fever"
What the **** is that? I said.. I was shivering so bad I couldn't stop.. it was such a weird feeling..
He was trying to explain to me that it would go away after a little while, and it was just a piece of cotton from the filter had gotten into a needle, and went into my veins...

{{Cotton fever is a syndrome that is often associated with intravenous drug use, specifically the use of cotton to filter drugs like heroin.^[1] The cause of the condition has been established to be the endotoxin shed by the bacteria Enterobacter agglomerans which colonizes cotton plants.^[2] A condition very similar to cotton fever was described in the early 1940s among cotton-farm workers. The term cotton fever was coined in 1975 after the syndrome was recognized in intravenous drug users. However, some sources have attributed the symptoms of cotton fever with simple sepsis occasioned by unsafe and unsanitary drug injection practices. This is borne out by the fact cotton fever occurs in equal spread with all injectable drug users, with various filter materials utilized.}}

..So it was a strange feeling.. I passed out pretty quickly.. I'm not sure if this was from the drug, which causes you to nod off or sometimes pass out.. Or the fever itself..

I woke up 4 hours later, and I felt fine... They had told me I was shaking and snoring really loud, and they checked on me to make sure I was breathing.. but said it was obvious by how loud I was snoring..

I woke up mad, I felt like my high has been wasted..

I did my other pill, and it felt amazing, better than ever... Maybe because it eased the symptoms of the cotton fever? or maybe because I wanted it so bad..

I nodded off for a little bit, and felt better, but then realized I needed to come up with a plan quick to score or I would be super sick this weekend..

So off to the store I went...

I repeated what I had done 6 hours earlier.. and scored 200 dollars worth of meat..
This only got me 4 pills.. and I needed 6...

So I tried to borrow money... I ended up getting enough for 1 more.. but I only had 5..

This left me with no other choice, but to divide it up evenly into 6 capsules.. Which left me about 20mg's in each one, or 40mgs each day.. which was more than enough to get me through the weekend..

The only thing I really wanted was a needle.. I didn't want to waste it by snorting it... I could get two good shots out of each capsule if I wanted to.. but snorting it I needed the whole thing to even feel anything..

I went to the pharmacy, and got them to make up my 2 cards.. The other had xanax in it..
and I was waiting in the tims across the street from the jail, with a needle in my coat.. I thought about how I could get in in there.. I tried to come up with an idea, but I couldn't think of one... I thought if I threw it over the fence before I went in, I could come back to get it..

I was sitting, and waiting... I bought a bottle of water..
And I couldn't help myself..

I popped one of the pills out of the card, and crushed it up in the bathroom.. I added it the bottom of a can of pop.. which I tore up..
I cooked it up, and drew the mix into the needle..
I also took 5-10 xanax with some water from the tap..


I sat in there for a while.. I knew I had to be in there in 20 minutes.. so I waited another 5 minutes or so.. I injected it.. and sat there... needle in my hand, nodding off.. I was in heaven..

..Someone knocked on the door... It woke me out of my stupor, and I left to walk across the street.. I lit a smoke, and slowly walked across the street.. It was really dark, and I only had a second.. so I threw the needle across after I wrapped it up in leaves and an elastic.. not very smart, but I assumed it would work..

I rang the bell, and the officer let me in..

I walked past my needle, and I knew it looked out of place, but there was nothing I could do now..

So he took me through the door..

"One is too many, and a thousand is never enough.. "

Too many...                                                                                                                                                                                              ... NEVER enough..


This phrase rings true to a lot of addicts...
One pill is too many...
But a thousand is never enough..
I had 3 more days until I had to report to jail... I was going to Amherst this day..But before I left, I had to buy 90 more xanax becuase I was already out, and my script wasn't due for another week and a half..  I went into the pharmacy the jail dealt with..  and got them to make up my medication cards with the "Refilled" pills...
They had them there, and I asked them if they'd send them over to the jail when they sent their own medication for the jail over..

She agreed... That way I knew I had enough for when I was there.. and I assumed I would have enough to get me through the week...

But I thought wrong... I injected and snorted them all with "Friends".. and friday came around... I had one left in the morning.. and did it as soon as I woke up...

I knew I wasn't going to get anymore until 9-10 the night...

So I made a little tobacco package, with matches in it..
I would also bring some chewing tobacco sometimes.. that way I could sit in my bed and not have to smoke, but still cure my nicotine craving..

Waiting at home for that night, was hell by the end of it..
I also took some morphine beads I ended up scoring, and put them in a package...

I don't care to explain how I got it in.. but I did..

On the drive up, I was sickkkk feeling.. my recent habit had gotten my tolerance sky high..
I almost thought about sneaking a needle in, but I didn't bother...

On our drive up there, I had to tell my mom to pull over at tim hortons... I had diarrhea so bad, and I was throwing up... the withdrawal was setting in...

I had some Xanax and I took 10 of them before I went in as well as a gravol and some roll-aids.. and stashed the rest in timhortons in a really good hiding spot so kids couldn't find it..

I came back out to the car and mom kissed me goodbye, and told me to try to have a good weekend...
She was scared for me..

They brought me in... after finishing my last smoke.. I had to strop down... they asked me if I was feeling ok, and I told them I felt sick..

They did it all, checked under my feet... bend over and cough.. embarrassing stuff..

They let me get dressed in the jail uniform and take my stuff upstairs... I was feeling really sick again...
I needed a fix soon, and I didn't know how long it would be..

I got up there, and picked out my bed... I un-packed all my stuff, and laid there for a bit... It was over an hour before I would get my medication cards...
And I couldn't wait that long... I needed to do the morphine beads..

I went into the bathroom, and got them from the hiding spot.. washed it off, and took out around 200mg's of beads... which is a hefty dose of morphine when you already have 5mg's of xanax in you to start..

It crushes easy, so I crushed it up, and snorted it... I laid back in my bed as soon as it was done... and pulled the covers up over me... to hide my Tylenol container that still had tobacco products papers, matches and some more morphine beads..

I hide it in my mattress...

I waited... I thought I was going to throw up... which would have wasted most of the drugs I just did..

I gagged under my blankets... trying to hold it in...

I did... and I finally felt the relief from my withdrawal symptoms..
I felt great again, I felt "Normal" Like you guys feel right now... I was so far into it I needed it to function... I couldn't even work without it..

I made my bed again, and started to feel wobbly... and weird... The combination was taking effect..
I knew I had to act normal in front of the guards, or they wouldn't give me my medication ...

So I sat and talked to a few of the guys... and I think we played cards or dice.. a few games people play in prison.. some for canteen, sometimes just for fun..

The coffee came, and we got it, then the medication came right after..

I went second last... I didn't want to seem too eager,and be first in line... I had a cup of water I took my pills, and slid the capsule under my tongue.. I drank the water and washed down the other pills with the entire cup full so he wouldn't ask me to see under my tongue.. Then I said thank you, so he could sort of see into my mouth...
I went back to my bed.. and went under the covers... I let it drop into some toilet paper I already had laid out..

I waited about 30 minutes, because they always watch the guys pretty closely on the camera after medication time... I went to the bathroom... but instead of taking it, I emptied it into a Tylenol container I brought in.. after wrapping it up in a corner of a plastic bag... I had enough for tonight... I just wanted to make sure the rest of the weekend was ok..

I passed out pretty quick that night... and woke up feeling sick... Before the medication was being passed out... I thought about taking some more morphine.. but I knew my dilaudids were coming soon..

an hour later, he came to the door.. and gave me my xanax and pre-filled Effexor capsule..
I drank my cup of water, and spit it out in toilet paper already waiting in my bed...

I knew I had to wait till after breakfast because it was coming soon... or Brunch as they called it... but I couldn't..

I took an entire capsule which was at least 24-30 mgs of dilaudid time release beads.. and the rest of my morphine beads... close to 200mgs or maybe a little more or less..

I snorted it, and turned on the shower.. I got in after rolling a smoke, and  lit it... the shower was steaming and I used body wash and everything else I could to cover up the smell of the smoke... It worked, because the other guys in the unit didn't even smell it... I was in my own little world right then... I was high... and I didn't care about anyone but myself..

I chucked a chew of tobacco in my mouth and took an empty can of pop I had and sat in bed... high, nodding off...
I was getting a head rush from it, for going so long with such little tobacco..
I was spitting in the can, and almost spilled it on me..

Brunch came... I saved a few things from it, ate one egg, one piece of toast.. and then gave the rest away..

Now this weekend went pretty smooth I suppose, same thing over and over... I gave one guy a smoke, and one guy a snort of D..

But my next blog will be about the week leading up to the weekend.. and what happend that weekend... it was BAD and embarrassing..


It'll be posted tomorrow... I have a few posts I'm working on, and at least another one of them will be posted.... They're not about my life... They're my thoughts on drugs in our area, and how easy they are to get... Just a rant I guess... Thanks for reading!

-Neil

Come on over..

I got a text from a friend of mine..

"I'm sick buddy, are you holding any?" ..

I was pretty selfish when I was sober, but as soon as I got high, I was your best friend, i'd give or share anything I had..

"I'll be right up man"..

I went to visit "Brandon"... Not a lot of people knew he used.. but he was addicted.. He was a few years older than me.. and people still don't know about his past. He's clean now, and has a great life.. I haven't talked to him much lately, but the few times I have, I can see the difference in him.. He's happy, and free again..

Quiting drugs is the best thing you can do for yourself... you won't believe how vastly different and better your life will get in just a few short months...

I stopped over with a few pills in my pocket... He told me the same thing he always did "I get a check in 2 days and I'll give you 30 for that one pill and blah blah blah, if you let me borrow two i'll give you 50, blah blah blah"
.. All of which never happened... But knowing how it felt, I gave him 2 pills, and asked for a plate and a spoon...

He didn't know I was injecting yet... so I pushed all the powder from my pills onto the spoon... I told him I had to use the bathroom and I'd be right back..

I carefully carried it upstairs into his bathroom.. And sat it on the sink.. He was downstairs still crushing his pills... it took him forever to actually crush the things...
So I knew I had some time..

I took out my kit, and poured water over the mixture.. and used a lighter to head it up... it was quick... dropped in the cotton, and sucked it back... I put the cap back on the needle, and cleaned the burn marks off the bottom of the spoon..

I washed it twice, then sat it down to dry...

I took off my belt, then wrapped it tightly around my bicep.. I held it tight until my veins pumped up...  and injected into my arm.. I let go of the belt, which I was holding with my teeth at this point.. and sat there on his toilet with the lid down..

It hit me in about 5-6 seconds... the rush... the powerful rush... I loved it, it was amazing..

I was in a different world... I happy world, where nothing else mattered... I came downstairs, my eyes were small, and he knew I was high... (you must have snorted your pills as soon as you went up there) he said...
"Yes, I did, sorry about that man, I just really had to sh*t" ..

I passed him the spoon and he took them to the kitchen, he came back into the living room and we sat and talked there for 2-3 hours..

I got another text on my phone..
"30mg M.S's for sale .. $2.50 each"
Me: I'll be right up!"

So, I had to go I told him... "Don't you wanna stay a little longer?... I told him know... I told him I could get him morphine 30's for 10 bucks each if he could find some money... and sure enough, he had some... He just lied to me to get some free pills...

"Here's $50.00, see if he'll do 6 for 50... " ... "OK man, I'll try"
I had a little money myself.. I think I had 40 bucks or so.. I can't remember exactly.. 100%

I ran up the road..
This guy lived in the outskirts of down, and it was a far ass walk in the wintertime..
I got there, and he had them...
I told him I wanted $90.00 worth, but if I was buying that much I wanted the extra four to make it 100.00 worth... And he obliged... I got 40 pills, and went back down to see Brandon.. which was a far ass walk back..

I got there, and gave him 6.... I said "He didn't want to... but I got 6 out of him.. "

Thanks man, I promise I'll have your money in a few days, that money was for my phone bill, but i'll have to pay that when I get that money too"

I left after I warmed up thinking "Yeah whatever" ...

I went home... I was freezing.. I got a bath and warmed myself up..
I got out, and stashed everything in my room.. I had 34 morphine 30's.. The eslons* not sure how to spell it, *capsules..

I played video games and stuff until late that night.. when everyone was in bed...

I went downstairs, and made sure no one was up...
I put something on tv, and made sure the volume was low in case I heard someone... I had a book-bag half opened in case I needed to ditch something...

Morphine is hard to cook up to inject, so I saved my hydromorph contin wash from the first time that morning..
I poured the beads from 4 morphine capsules (120mg's) on the outside of it.. and didn't crush them.. I added boiling water I had poured out of the kettle into a travel mug... I poured it into the mix... and then started heading it with a candle..
I sat it back down on the table on a wet piece of paper towel..

I squished the morphine beads with the cap of the needle, and moved them all to one side.. it was a jelly mess..
but if you do it just right you can get almost all of it...
I had a 3cc right now, so I could suck up a lot each time..
I would add another 2 units cook it, squish the gelly stuff, then suck it up through the cotton... I repeated this, and added an 18mg hydromorphone contin pill and added the morphine laced mixture(about 1 1/2cc's to the spoon, I cooked it up lightly, and crushed everything, and then sucked it back up..
I added a litttttle more water from another needle to the mix, a few more points, and sucked it up once more in the bigger needle..

I flicked the air bubbles out, and tasted it... I could taste both the dilaudid and the morphine.. I could tell the difference easily..

I injected it... and it was powerful... I felt the pins and needles.. and the rush... I couldn't move, I just sat there... my eyes rolled into the back of my head..

I was in heaven..

I was nodding off hard, seeing things in my own mind, like a dream.. and I was happy... or so I thought...
I came to an hour or so later, and chucked everything in the bag, but not before taking the wash... I added 2 cc's of water, and cooked and crushed the hell out of the beads and gelly mixture, which I spread into all 4 corners of the leftover hydro beads...
I injected it again, and got another great rush... I ate the remaining powder as not to waste it, and went into my room... I listened to music with my eyes closed... smoking cigarettes..

I ended up passing out some how, and woke up the next morning...

I knew it was going to be a good morning.. but I had to save enough for this weekend, or maybe even the next weekend too.. I had enough..

But as a junkie... it doesn't matter how long the pills COULD last you... if you have a lot.... you're more apt to do a lot...

My next blog will describe that..

Another quick score..

Woke up in the morning, Again I was broke, and craving..

I asked myself this question almost everyday for 5-6 years..."How am I going to get a pill today?"
.. Sometimes it was easy... but most of the time it was a struggle, just scraping together 40 dollars a day when you're not working is harder than you'd think.. It's a full time job staying high.. but I always managed to do it..


It was snowing on a Tuesday morning.. I looked at my cellphone and had a missed call..
I looked... Diaz had called and left me a voice mail...
" I got my script... and I have an order for you to fill.. I'll give you a great deal on them!"

Diaz got 18mg hydromorphone contins... which were actually not that common, it's usually just 6's, 12's, 24's and 30's.. you don't see very much of the other ones..

And at the end of the message he said he has a present for me..

.. I got a bath, got dressed, and then called him back... He told me what he needed... which was pretty basic stuff... I had to go to Amherst to get it, because the stores around here didn't have what he wanted..

He wanted portable dvd players and mp3 players.. he asked if I could get a flip camera, and he said he'd take razor blades as well, any kind, guys or girls..

I paid someone 10 dollars to drive me up.. Which I had to lie about to get.. I asked the guy if I could borrow a pill before I left.. but he told me no... which pissed me off at the time... but I left anyway..

Once I got to Amherst I went to a few different stores..
At the first store, I got 2 portable dvd players which were worth close to 100dollars at the time..
They went in my backpack, and I was off to another store.. They had mp4 players, which also played video.. and they had 2 psp's on the counter...

The guy working was responsible for two departments.. and he was over in the other one.. I grabbed 3 mp4 players, and peeled the magnetic strip off them.. I slipped them into my coat after a quick check from side to side to make sure he wasn't looking..

He came over maybe 10 seconds after I had them all situated in my bag... He came over to me and told me I would have to leave my bag outside of the area.. so I walked around the corner.. and sat it there... I looked up and there were 2 psp's sitting on a ledge behind the counter where you pay.. I opened the zipper on my bag just enough to slip one in if I could get it...
I walked back through the metal detectors.. and started looking through the discount game bin..

He came over to me quickly... which scared me, and asked me if there was anything he could help me with..
I said "Actually there is... I'm looking for a new war game called _______ (something made up).. do you have it?" ... "Let me check in the computer sir.."

I waited... he checked and told me he didn't have it... I asked him if he could order it, and he told me he could.. he took a piece of paper and wrote it down.. then said he had to ask his supervisor to come over to order it... he left the area.. this was my only chance..

I walked over and knocked the psp onto the floor, it landed right beside my bag... this avoided the metal strip detectors... I quickley walked through them, and towards my bag.. I slipped the psp into my bag and put it on... And he came back... " Ok, he said I can put it on the order sheet... I just need your info, an I.D and a number where I can reach you.. "

I told him "I'm going to check a few other stores first, and if it's not there I'll come back here. "

"Ok sir, see you then"..

I walked out of the store.. than basically ran the rest of the way... I ran across a busy street, towards a grocery store on the other side of the area.. far away from the store  I was just at... I knew I had enough to get me through the week... but I wanted as many pills out of the bottle as I could get...

I walked into the next and last store... I grabbed a cart.. and a flyer.. I covered my face walking in with the flyer.. and pretended I was actually shopping in case I was being watched... I filled the cart with normal things people buy... I avoided the pharmacy area until the very end..

I had a re-usable bag which I had in the top basket of the cart..
As I walked towards the razor blades my heart started racing..
Most of the razor blades were behind a case that beeps when you open it... I opened it, and grabbed 4 of the most expensive blades in one stack.. and closed it... it probably looked like I grabbed one..
I grabbed a tooth brush, some toothpaste.. and kept an eye out for security, floor walkers.. or employees..
No one was around.. I grabbed some razor kits.. the most expensive ones there again... guys and girls.. and shoved them in my re-usable bag as well as my 4 packs of razors... After I did that.. I pulled on some wires that were right beside the plastic beeping case..

Well, I thought I would take 4 more and leave... but when I opened it... it didn't beep...
I took at least 12 packs of razor blades... again the most expensive kind.. and quickly left the area after chucking them into my bag..

I walked around the store some more, and made sure no one was fallowing me..
I went towards the produce section, and left my cart there.. sort of hidden.. I grabbed the bag.. and sat there looking at produce, but I was actually looking around for the best time to avoid the beepers... I saw my chance... no one was around... So I walked out, and lifted the bag up, and to the left of the detecter where it couldn't sense it.. I kept on walking... No beepers went off, and I just kept walking... I took a left towards the rest of the mall, and left through the main entrance..

I called the guy up.. and told him I got him more than what he wanted... and I needed a drive back... he told me to take a cab and he would give me the 23 dollars at the door..

The cab came quick.. and I jumped in... I told him where I was going, and we left...

The entire drive there was torture... I was getting sick... really sick.. and I thought I wasn't going to make it without throwing up or shitting right in the car... I finally got there, and he said "23 dollars please"
I told him I had to run to the door to get it... he told me I had to pay before I left the cab...
so I said "I'll leave my book bag here and my wallet.. obviously I'm coming back"
"OK" he said... "But be quick"

I ran to the door, and told him I needed the money... "Where's the stuff?" Diaz said.... I told him that I had to leave it in the cab... he gave me the money, and watched me go towards the cab.. he didn't trust me.. and Most dealers don't trust addicts..

I paid, grabbed my stuff and left..

I went inside with Diaz, and we went right upstairs to his bedroom.. his kids were home..
Which to think about is pretty disturbing now... but it was a routine to me..

I pulled out the razor blades... I had almost 20, I can't remember exactly how many.. but it was 17-20 packs or so.. He gave me 2 pills for each of them..

I pulled out the 2 portable dvd players, and told him I wanted 5 for each.. he agreed and gave them to me..
I pulled out the mp4 players, and told him I wanted 5 each for them too, but he told me he'd only pay 3... got 10 for 3 after some pickering..

He gave me almost 70 of his pills, and I still had a psp... He got 90 pills, and had 20 left... I told him I'd trade him them for the other 20... but he told me he needed them..

"Well how about 150 bucks?" ... "125?" Diaz said... No, I want at least $140.00 or I'll just go trade it for 5 30's to Marcus' .. which he would have gladly..

Ok, I have 130 on me, but the rest will be for the cab" ... I agreed.. and asked if I could use his bathroom...
He said yes, and I told him I needed a spoon and a plate... he already had one in his room because he used himself..

I snorted 2 of them, and walked home...I was gagging the whole way, and it was close to 2pm.. I was holding myself back from throwing up... but I couldn't help it... I threw up in the middle of the street..
But before going home, I went to the pharmacy, and bought some gum, which I chewed two pieces before I paid for it.. diabetic needles... I also got some polysporin and some Gatorade..

I went to the local store and bought 2 packs of smokes, then went back home..

I took another one of the pills.. and crushed it up and injected it..

I was super high..

I stashed everything in my room.. and thought about what I was going to do the rest of the day... just then I got a text...


-Neil

Feel free to contact me...

Email: neilcalder1@gmail.com.

I'm always around, so email me if you ever feel the need or have any questions about anything..
I'd love to help and I don't mind. I'll also never judge you, so please feel free.

-Neil

what's next?

It was 7 am, and I was about to be released from jail.. I asked for my last pill of the card, but they told me I didn't have any left... How could that be? I said... They showed me the card, and they were right... I was one pill short... But I remembered making 6 pills up... I was running late Friday night, so could I have missed them on the card? Forget to put it in the bottle... I started to stress out instantly..

For some reason, be it in my head, or actual withdrawal effects.. I started to get sick..
I left the jail, and went out to the car.. My friend Ned was there to take me home..
I asked him if he was holding anything, but he told me he wasn't.. he bought one 12 that morning, but already used it..

I asked him if he could lend me 20 dollars so I could buy a pill in Amherst and use it before going home.. but he told me he didn't..
The entire ride home I was gagging... I was checking through my pockets to see it had fallen out.. I scrounged through it like a crazy person, with a smoke in my mouth like a crazy person..

I couldn't find it... where had it gone?
I had no idea..

The entire drive home was horrible, it was only 20 minutes, but felt like an hour... I was stressing... I thought I had enough to get me through till tonight.. but I was wrong..

It took everything in me not to throw up.. I felt rotten, and I needed my fix..
Ned dropped me off, and told me he was going to work, he said he'd see me tomorrow..
I ran in the house, and mom was just leaving for work..

She asked me how I was doing, I lied and said I was fine, I told her I was going out for lunch with a friend, and she gave me 10 dollars... She thought I was doing well at this point. She thought I was sober since I got arrested..

She left, and I ran upstairs..
I tore through every piece of clothing I owned.. trying to find this pill..
I found empty capsules, and a needle I had in a sweater... but couldn't find the pill... I was almost in tears.. and I laid down in my bed.. I went to light a smoke, and I saw it... on top of my blanket.. it must have fallen into a fold... I shook it.. and got excited... I opened it up, and took out 1 bead and bit it.. it was hard, so I knew it was the right pill.. The Effexor itself was soft and easy to break.. but hydromorphone contin had a hard coating and it's easy to tell if it's real or not..

I felt like I was on a roller coaster.. that feeling you get inside your stomach.. when you're hair stands on end and you get tingles all over your body... even the top of my head was tingling, and I was instantly smiling.. but I felt even sicker... Due to the excitement I think.. and I was gagging..

I knew if I had snorted it, I would have thrown up... this had happened to me many times before prior to this..

I was going to see my friend, so he could fix me up.. but I knew I would have to split the pill with him... If I injected it, I would have enough to last me until the end of the night.. I wouldn't have to worry till the morning..

So I locked the door, and grabbed a plate and a spoon... I started crushing half the capsule.. it took me a few minutes to get it to a fine powder.. Then I grabbed a glass of hot water, and sucked up a full CC of water..
I bent the spoon so it was stand flat on it's own, and poured the powder into it.. I squirted the water into the powder and mixed it around with the back of the syringe..

I carefully picked it up.. and sat it on the burner.. We had a ceramic stove, so it sat flat and perfectly on it without moving.. I turned the heat on to 6-7 and waited.. It got hot pretty quick, and started to lightly bubble.. I shut the burner off, and started mixing it up with a tooth pick.. I made sure it was mixed up well, then moved it to the middle of the stove..

I opened up my cigarette pack, and took a smoke out.. I tore a piece of cotton out of the end of it and rolled it up with my fingers..
I dropped it into the mixture..

It instantly swelled up, and soaked up 90% of the opiate laced water.. I took the cap off the needle again, and stuck it into the cotton.. I sucked it up; It only took a second.. and I sucked up about half a CC of the mix.. the rest boiled off when I heated it..

My heart was beating like crazy...
I could feel the heat from the syringe.. So I put the cap back on, and stuck it in a glass of cold water..

While I waited for it to cool, I cleaned up my mess... I covered the spoon with aluminum foil to save for a wash.. and grabbed an alcohol wipe.

.. I sat down on the couch.. and put it in my arm..

I had just enough time to put the cap on, and shove it in my sweater.. Then came the warm blanket..
It's like coming in from a wet cold hike in the winter, and instantly being dried off and wrapped in a hot blanket from the dryer..

And I laid there.. for 2 hours... nodding off, and sort of seeing things when I closed my eyes.. Sometimes I would see evil clowns, or things from my child hood..

It's such a weird drug..

I woke up out of it, and got up and went to the computer...


{My next blog is half written, and I'll post it tonight... Then I'll make 2 more tomorrow to make up for my time away from it.. I'm sorry I have to write like this, but I'll make it work! Thanks guys!]

-Neil

Just rambling.

28,000 addicts a year die from prescription pain killers..
It makes me thankful everyday that drug abuse is all behind me..

You don't NEED weed every morning when you wake up..
But when you're addicted to pills, you're driven to find them... to take them, or you're sick.

It's crazy to think about how out of control my life was, and to be where I'm at today has taken a lot.. but it's easy now.. I rarely ever crave anymore, I don't have to worry and that's probably the best part..

I was on a break at work Saturday, and a police officer was there on a routine call for something simple..
I didn't know him because he was a new cop, but he was talking to a few of us who were out there..

He was waiting for someone to return, and it was just me and him there.. I asked him if he knew who I was, as it's a small town, and there's a lot of talk..

He told me he read my news paper article, which was cut out and passed around the office..
It's hard to describe how I felt.. As an addict, I never "Hated" the police officers, they were just doing their job..  and in a small town I knew almost every officer on a first name basis.. not from encounters with them.. just through passing by..

After being arrested a few times, I got to know them, and they always tried to help, offering me their phone numbers to call if I ever had a craving, and just needed to talk.. Trying to get me into clinics..

I remember one drive to court, the police officers weren't mean like you'd think.. they were actually talking to me, and trying to help me.. Passing me smokes through the divider, and actually caring enough to find out how I was feeling, how I was doing..

So being told that they're proud of me.. that they're happy I've turned my life around really hits home to me..
It's not just them.. Everyday I have at least one person who comes up to me, and tells me how proud they are of me, with a smile on their face and in some cases tears in their eyes..
Even people who don't know me are proud of me..

It's truley amazing... I've never in my life been as happy as I am right now..
I'm doing a good thing, I'm trying to help others, and it's perfect..
I have my family back, My life back..

I'm me again.. and you can't imagine how empowering it feels... It's things like this that drive me to stay clean, and to help others. I honesly believe I went through everything for a reason.. and it would be a waste for me not to give others the insight of an addict..  Most people treat addicts like lepers.. but now it's becoming a talked about issue.. something needs to be done, and I see it each and everyday.

I'm one of the lucky ones.. I really am, and I wish I could do more, and help more people..
That's why I want to become an addiction counselor.. I know I will make a difference.. it's not a question of if I will.. it's when I will.

I'm writing my next blog post now.. It's going to be a long one, so it might not be done for a bit.
Thanks for reading!

-Neil

update

Sorry for the lack of posts, I've been working 12 hour shifts and by the time I get home I barely have enough time to respond to my emails..

I'm writing a blog now, and I'll make up for not posting for 3 days.

Thanks for understanding.

-Neil

Methadone clinic coming to cumberland area..

We're trying to set up a methadone clinic in the Cumberland County area..
Mainly Amherst, and the surrounding areas.. but we need more people to call and sign up for the wait list..
I've seen it help SO many people, and most people you can't even tell they're on it.. they live productive lives, working and taking care of kids..

It helps so many people. They also offer suboxone.. so people should really start calling or passing this along to people they know who use opiates and haven't been able to stop any other way..

Opiate Treatment Program
332 Willow Street
Truro, NS B2N 5A5
Phone: (902) 893-4776


Ask to speak to Glen.


We can make this happen, so people in our area who don't have access to get to truro or wolfville can get the help they need!


Pass this a long, and share it!


-Neil!


-New blog coming sometime today, don't worry!  : )

County Jail..

So it had worked.. I couldn't believe it.. I felt like I was so smart, and had fooled everyone..
Thinking back now.. what did I accomplish? Nothing.. It wasn't that smart.. and I was only doing bad things... If I had put even half of that energy into something positive, who knows where i'd be now..

He shut the door, and I went straight to the bathroom.. I spit it out into some toilet paper.. and put it in my pocket.. I needed some tools to do this with, or it'd be useless to me..

I found a pen, and a hard piece of cardboard easily enough... but I needed something to crush the beads with.. and they're hard. They're not going to give me a metal spoon in here, so I had to find something else..

In the mean time, it's my first night here.. and I'm meeting some of the other guys..
They're all in here from pretty petty stuff... Shoplifting, one guy opened a car door and took the change..

Violating probation orders.. that kind of thing.. I was surprised I got weekends for what I did... but I wasn't "That bad" In the courts eyes.. I also plead a great case about getting help, and I was working at the time.. So they wanted me to keep my job through the week.

I found a pop bottle cap, and shoved toilet paper in the end of it, so it wouldn't hurt when I pushed down on it..

I went into the bathroom, and looked for a place to crush it..

I couldn't do it on the back of the toilet like I used to.. These were cold, stainless steel toilets with a sink at the back of them... No ledge at all..

.. I looked around.. I wasn't going to do it on the floor.. so I looked at the shower..
It had a raised ledge about a foot high where you got out, and it was stainless steel.. it was also flat and level..

I took a spray bottle of cleaner that was in the bathroom.. and sprayed it down 5-6 times.. and cleaned it with soap and water..

Then I emptied the capsule onto it. and started crushing... It literally took me 15 minutes to crush a little over half of them.. I knew they would be doing a check soon.. so I had to snort it anyway... I did.. and came out... 2 guys were MAD I took so long, and went in to use the bathroom as soon as I was done..

I didn't care... I could feel it coming.. my stomach felt empty.. it was growling.. and I loved it... I needed it..
This was why I was hear, but I didn't care... Nothing would stop me..

I sat back and started watching TV... The guard came in, and I was nodding off... I woke up out of my daze long enough to act sober.. but once he left my head was bobbing again.. I was out of it..

That was pretty much it... twice a day, the same thing..

I ended up speeding up the crushing process, by pouring the beads into a piece of paper.. setting it on the floor, and crushing it with the pop cap and my foot.. that way I could grind it, and put more weight into it so I wouldn't take 30 minutes in the bathroom after each medication check..

The guys had an idea of what I was doing... They thought I was just snorting effexor though... They didn't know I had switched beads...

I remember one guy asked me for a line, I told him no.. and he was super offended... He couldn't understand why I wouldn't share such a pointless pill with him..

My first weekend there, I met the guy who snuck out for smokes in detox a while back... He said that I told the staff there about it, which I didn't... but when someone basically calls you a rat in jail, you can't stand for it.. unless you actually are... I called him out.. and challenged him to a fight... cursing and swearing, saying what I was going to do with him..

..He backed down, and some guys broke it up.. He was only there for a few more weekends.. but every time  I saw him.. I'd give him a dirty look..

I got along with everyone else there.. and with the drugs, the weekends went by pretty quick..
And when Monday morning rolled around, I would get picked up by one of my friends who also used... and we'd go score some pills, and I'd go shoot up..

That was the routine for quite a while..

Problem Solver..

It's weird, but most drug addicts are actually quite intelligent, they just use that creativeness and intelligence for the wrong things..

It was a Friday morning... And I was broke...
I started up the computer, and within 2 hours I had close to 500 dollars..

I went and bought my fix, then went to inject it at a "friends" house..
I gave him a pill to cook mine up and inject it for me..
I left there.. and went straight to the hospital...

Like I said before, I had to start serving my weekend sentence.. But being a drug addict.. there was no way I could actually bring them in on me.. unless I wanted to bring them "In me" .. but that wasn't happening..
I needed a plan..

And within minutes, I thought of one..

I went to outpatients.. and complained enough until the doctor gave me a prescription to an anti-depressant.. and the largest one they make... He offered me another one called welbutrin.. but I turned it down, because that wouldn't help my situation.. I needed a capsule..

I took the prescription into the pharmacy and got it filled..
I then went home, and started to open the pills up, and empty them down the sink..

They were full of beads, just like hydromorph contin pills were.. They were a little smaller, but No one would notice..

I would be there from 8 at night on Friday, till 8 in the morning on Monday..
I was supposed to take 2 pills a day... one at 8 in the morning, and one at 8 at night..

I took 6 empty capsules, and filled them full of hydromorphone contin beads..
A 30mg pill would fit perfectly into them.. They were pretty much the same size..
I was also on 8 Xanax .5's a day... 2 pills 4 times a day..
So I took just as many pills as I needed in the pill bottles.. And left the rest at home.. Minus a few I was taking right before going in there..

It was around 6:00pm, and I went back to my "Friends" house to "Shoot up" One last time before going to jail... I couldn't sneak a needle in, so I would have to snort them.
It almost made me mad, because I could inject half a 30mg hydromorphone pill, and feel the same as if I snorted 2 full 30mg pills... With an even better rush..

I got a good deal on the pills today, but normally they would have cost 35-40 dollars each if I didn't have that cheap source... at $40.00 a pill, times 6.. that's almost 250 dollars, just for the weekend.. And I needed this EVERY weekend, just not to be sick..

My mom came to pick me up... and I jumped in the car.. it was around 6:30pm now, and I only had an hour and a half to get there...
On the drive up, mom bought me some take-out.. I ate it, and asked her to drop me off at tim hortons..
I told her I would see her on Monday, and gave her a kiss and a hug..

Right across from tims used to be a pharmacy.. It was the pharmacy the jail used... I knew this from my short stay there before.. and knew they put everything in blister packs..
I went to the back of the store, and waited in line... time was ticking.. I had to be there in 45 minutes or so, and there was an older woman infront of me, taking forever and asking a million questions.

I finally got the to pharmacist, and told her my predicament, and that my medication needed to be in a blister pack in order to receive it there... I asked her how much it would cost, and she told me she would do it for free..

Being suspicious, I stuck around and watched her, to make sure she didn't take the same type of medication from her stock and use it to replace mine... She didn't.. and I instantly had a smile on my face.

..She passed me two blister packs, and I was on my way back to Tims.. I brought some seram wrap, and decided to try to sneak some Tobacco in with me.. I took 10 cigarettes apart, and took out my pack of papers, and put 20 or so papers in with it.. I rolled it up really tight, and really small.. and hid it in my coat... I knew they strip searched you, so I had to make sure I could get away with it somehow..

I took roughly 10 xanax, and lit a smoke.. I walked across the street, and waited outside the entrance door to the jail..
I finished my smoke, then rang the buzzer... As soon as I pressed it, I lit up another smoke.

I pulled 2 smokes out of my pack, and planned on dropping them in the exercise yard while I was walking in the main yard.. but he was right beside me, and there was cameras everywhere.

I went to the front desk, and signed in.. I handed them my medication cards, and they handed me a bag of jail clothing.. They told me to take it into the holding cells, and someone would be with me shortly... I tried to find the package of tobacco, but I couldn't reach it ... The second I knocked it loose, a guard was right there, ready to pat me down..

He told me to take off my coat, and set in the closed cell... I slid it through the bars, with the pocket facing towards me, in-case I got a change to grab it..

He patted me down, then told me to strip down..
I had to take off all my clothes, while he ordered me to shake my hair, open my mouth, lift my tongue.. and finally bend over and cough.. It was humiliating.. but that's what you get when you break the law..

I put on the clothes, and he told me to sit there for a minute while he got ready to bring me upstairs..
As soon as he left I stood up, and started to walk around... I heard them yell "Calder, sit back down on the bench" ... He saw me on the camera... I guess I wasn't smoking this weekend..

He brought me up, and took me to a room with 9 beds in it, and 5 or 6 other guys... I grabbed a bed close to the tv hanging on the wall, and un-packed all of my stuff..
I went to brush my teeth, then came out... And there was an officer there... "Calder" He said..
My heart sunk...

"Come here for a second"... I thought he found the tobacco, or worse yet figured out about the pills..
...But he was just standing there with my medication cards.. I told him I needed the Pink ones firs..
He then poppd out an anti-depressant. and handed it to me.. I put it in my mouth, under my tongue.. and drank an entire cup of water in front of him.. I said thanks, and sat back down...

As soon as he left, I spit it out.. and took it apart..