what's next?

It was 7 am, and I was about to be released from jail.. I asked for my last pill of the card, but they told me I didn't have any left... How could that be? I said... They showed me the card, and they were right... I was one pill short... But I remembered making 6 pills up... I was running late Friday night, so could I have missed them on the card? Forget to put it in the bottle... I started to stress out instantly..

For some reason, be it in my head, or actual withdrawal effects.. I started to get sick..
I left the jail, and went out to the car.. My friend Ned was there to take me home..
I asked him if he was holding anything, but he told me he wasn't.. he bought one 12 that morning, but already used it..

I asked him if he could lend me 20 dollars so I could buy a pill in Amherst and use it before going home.. but he told me he didn't..
The entire ride home I was gagging... I was checking through my pockets to see it had fallen out.. I scrounged through it like a crazy person, with a smoke in my mouth like a crazy person..

I couldn't find it... where had it gone?
I had no idea..

The entire drive home was horrible, it was only 20 minutes, but felt like an hour... I was stressing... I thought I had enough to get me through till tonight.. but I was wrong..

It took everything in me not to throw up.. I felt rotten, and I needed my fix..
Ned dropped me off, and told me he was going to work, he said he'd see me tomorrow..
I ran in the house, and mom was just leaving for work..

She asked me how I was doing, I lied and said I was fine, I told her I was going out for lunch with a friend, and she gave me 10 dollars... She thought I was doing well at this point. She thought I was sober since I got arrested..

She left, and I ran upstairs..
I tore through every piece of clothing I owned.. trying to find this pill..
I found empty capsules, and a needle I had in a sweater... but couldn't find the pill... I was almost in tears.. and I laid down in my bed.. I went to light a smoke, and I saw it... on top of my blanket.. it must have fallen into a fold... I shook it.. and got excited... I opened it up, and took out 1 bead and bit it.. it was hard, so I knew it was the right pill.. The Effexor itself was soft and easy to break.. but hydromorphone contin had a hard coating and it's easy to tell if it's real or not..

I felt like I was on a roller coaster.. that feeling you get inside your stomach.. when you're hair stands on end and you get tingles all over your body... even the top of my head was tingling, and I was instantly smiling.. but I felt even sicker... Due to the excitement I think.. and I was gagging..

I knew if I had snorted it, I would have thrown up... this had happened to me many times before prior to this..

I was going to see my friend, so he could fix me up.. but I knew I would have to split the pill with him... If I injected it, I would have enough to last me until the end of the night.. I wouldn't have to worry till the morning..

So I locked the door, and grabbed a plate and a spoon... I started crushing half the capsule.. it took me a few minutes to get it to a fine powder.. Then I grabbed a glass of hot water, and sucked up a full CC of water..
I bent the spoon so it was stand flat on it's own, and poured the powder into it.. I squirted the water into the powder and mixed it around with the back of the syringe..

I carefully picked it up.. and sat it on the burner.. We had a ceramic stove, so it sat flat and perfectly on it without moving.. I turned the heat on to 6-7 and waited.. It got hot pretty quick, and started to lightly bubble.. I shut the burner off, and started mixing it up with a tooth pick.. I made sure it was mixed up well, then moved it to the middle of the stove..

I opened up my cigarette pack, and took a smoke out.. I tore a piece of cotton out of the end of it and rolled it up with my fingers..
I dropped it into the mixture..

It instantly swelled up, and soaked up 90% of the opiate laced water.. I took the cap off the needle again, and stuck it into the cotton.. I sucked it up; It only took a second.. and I sucked up about half a CC of the mix.. the rest boiled off when I heated it..

My heart was beating like crazy...
I could feel the heat from the syringe.. So I put the cap back on, and stuck it in a glass of cold water..

While I waited for it to cool, I cleaned up my mess... I covered the spoon with aluminum foil to save for a wash.. and grabbed an alcohol wipe.

.. I sat down on the couch.. and put it in my arm..

I had just enough time to put the cap on, and shove it in my sweater.. Then came the warm blanket..
It's like coming in from a wet cold hike in the winter, and instantly being dried off and wrapped in a hot blanket from the dryer..

And I laid there.. for 2 hours... nodding off, and sort of seeing things when I closed my eyes.. Sometimes I would see evil clowns, or things from my child hood..

It's such a weird drug..

I woke up out of it, and got up and went to the computer...


{My next blog is half written, and I'll post it tonight... Then I'll make 2 more tomorrow to make up for my time away from it.. I'm sorry I have to write like this, but I'll make it work! Thanks guys!]

-Neil