Coming back home.. Feb 29th, 2012

Fresh out of detox, without so much as trying.. My parents sat down and made so many phone calls..
They didn't know what to do.. How could their son get like this?

They thought that would be the end of it, I would go home.. and everything would be OK..

Detox didn't turn out as planned.. Well... As they planned.. I think in my own mind I sabotaged my chances at it.. I didn't care, I wasn't ready to quit.. I was young, and I was still having too much fun..

I was nodding off, And I told mom they had me on medication there.. and I couldn't just stop.
Dad got home, and he was upset.. not mad, just upset that I didn't even try.. I couldn't even give it a fucking chance.. He was disappointed in me, and I know it killed him to think that this was even happening.. Would he just wake up and this would all be a bad dream? .. Well, truth it.. it turned into a fucking nightmare.. I turned into a monster.. I let me inner beast out.. It was all about me. No one, and nothing else seemed to matter to me one bit..

We sat in the kitchen and talked.. This was the second of MANY long talks in the kitchen, where I would promise this was it, where I would promise this was the last time.. you'll see a pattern as you keep reading my blog everyday..

Mom was making phone calls, and I was lying, saying how bad it was there.. and that I just needed a smoke, blah blah blah blah.. All lies and bullshit.

I told them I was going to lay down.. and I did.. but not before taking 2 clonazapam.. I was smoking, and couldn't keep my head up.. I remember burning my shirt, I dropped my cigarette onto it.. I chipped it out, and brushed my shirt off.. then fell asleep..

I don't remember how long I slept, but it was late at night... Mom told me "We're going to the hospital tomorrow to see what we can do about all of this.. "

She had tears in her eyes.. and it broke my heart.. I started crying.. I told my mom I would quit, I promised her I would stop.. and at that moment I meant it.. but it turned into another lie..

I loved my parents deeply then.. they were my whole world, I was still just 16.. I relied on them for everything.. food, shelter.. the whole works..  but most of all love, understanding and compassion.. That's not something you want to lose from your parents, or any part of your family... You also don't want to loose your trust..

I cried for a long time, and I'm pretty sure she was convinced it was over.. and so was I..

I thought about flushing the pills I had, but I didn't want the withdrawals to be too bad.. so I figured I would save them..

We both went to bed.. Dad was already in bed..

I fell asleep fast..

My mom woke me up, and told me to get ready...  I got a bath, and while I was in there.. I thought "Maybe I should do a little bit before I go to the hospital?" So I did.. I took 1 more clonazapam, and I snorted half of a 200mg morphine. so about 100mg's..  I put the rest of the stuff away in my crotch..  and brushed my teeth and walked downstairs.. This was on a Saturday I do believe, dad was on the computer, it was about 9:30 in the morning.. and mom was getting her coat ready, and her shoes ready to leave..

I remember saying to her "we're leaving now? do we have to go now?" I wanted to feel the rush before I left..  "No Neil, we're leaving now.. I don't want to be at the hospital all day"

"Fuck!" I thought... and went to put on my shoes, one of the laces was un-tied so I bent down to tie it....
And as soon as I stood up, I started getting pins and needles, and I started feeling warm in my chest..

The rush was coming... I sat down in the kitchen, at the table.. and Rested my head in my hands..
Feeling the rush, Enjoying the rush.. Mom saw me and said "Are you OK Neil?" and I said "I'm feeling sick, and I'm just a little dizzy from tying my shoe up" "OK, well we need to get going" .. I wasn't in the mood to talk, I was just closing my eyes, and feeling this rush.. but I said "mom can you get me a glass of cold water and some pepto for my stomach.."

She did, and while she was getting that ready I was still closing my eyes, with my head in my hand... that rush was the only important thing to be at that moment..

She came over with the glass of water and pepto, I took two spoonfuls of pepto and drank my water..
I asked her for a smoke, because I had none.. and she gave me one.. I lit it, and said I was feeling better for the time being, but we should get to the hospital..

I went out and sat in the car, and she soon followed..  I was still high, but the rush was gone.. but I had to hide it from my mom.. I needed her to think I was feeling sick.. that way the doctor would give me something..

I puffed on my smoke the whole way there.. Looking out the window.. I remember the clouds were moving in and it was getting darker.. and it looked like it was starting to rain..
We got to the hospital, and I put my smoke out, and got out of the car..

We signed in, and went to wait in the waiting room.. there was a few other people there..
I remember grabbing a magazine, then the Triage Nurse called my name "Neil Calder" and told me to come to one of the rooms...

She took my blood pressure.. a little low.. it was from using drugs.. but I told her I was starting to feel the effects of withdrawal... all lies.. again and again..

She told me to take a seat in the waiting room, after asking me a few more questions..

I sat back down, and a half hour later the doctor called me in, and my mom followed right behind me..
He asked me a bunch of questions about my addiction, last time I used, how much I used, blah blah blah.. I had to lie a little about that too, and told him I was in withdrawal, and all the other lies that come with that.. Even though at this time I was feeling 100% fine..

Anyway, he ended up writing me a prescription for tylenol3's and codeine pills as well as codeine liquid. He also wrote me a prescription for Valium 10mg pills, 3 times daily, and then Valium 5 mg 3 times daily.

The way it worked, was mom would hold the medication, and dispense it to me when I needed it.. Every couple of days I would come down a little bit.. And this in total would take two weeks..

We left the hospital, and I was super excited.. I just scored more drugs, and I still have some, I have enough to make sure I'm not sick for two weeks.. and when it's over, I'll have no tolerance, I won't be addicted physically anymore, and maybe I could put this behind me.. And only use once in a while, like once a week, or once a month..

We drove to the pharmacy.. and me and mom were talking, it was clearing up, but it was still gray outside.. a little sun was breaking through, and it seemed like the town was dead on this Saturday.. So It was around noon, I think 12:30 or so.. And we went into the pharmacy.. Mom went out back and filled it up, while I just walked around..  I came back, and talked to her a bit, and said this was over, this would help me.. Things were going to be OK..

We got the prescriptions, and there was a lot of them.. there was 5 bottles of pills, and a big bottle of codeine syrup..

We went home, and mom gave me my first does ... two Tylenol 3's (60 Mg's of codeine) and one 10 mg Valium.. I went upstairs, and snorted the other half of the morphine 200.. and took another clonazapam two and went downstairs..

I laid down on the couch and watched TV..

-End..

I'll pick it up where I left off on my next post.

Thanks for reading..

-Neil

First Detox Experiance (Part 3)

[ I'm typing this with my laptop.. it's messed up, and hard to write with.. Sorry for any typo's. it won't let me use spell check.. thanks guys]
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 "Come with me Neil... Said the Nurse..

I followed the her down the hall...

We went into the nurses office, and she seemed pretty upset..

"You need to follow the rules you signed.. You know smoking wasn't allowed.. "

"I know" I said.. " It's my first time in a place like this.. and I just really needed a smoke.. I was craving pills bad, and quiting smoking on top of that makes it was worse" I said, looking at the floor like a kid who just got caught doing something really bad..

" I'm giving you one more chance" she said, " But I need you to give me the rest of the smokes you have, and the lighter you used to light them" .. "I used matches " I said..

I went back to my room, and the nurse followed me.. " Show me where you hid them" I opened up my suit case, and threw it onto the bed.. I pulled the lining up, and gave her my smokes and my matches.. then closed it up.. "do you have anything else?" she said.. I told her no.. then she asked me to empty my pockets..

I couldn't remember if I put my pills back into my boxers.. I reached in, and I felt a baggie.. I put it in my hand, and pulled both pockets out.. " Nothing in these ones" I said... Praying she didn't notice what I did..
My heart was beating fast..
"now anything in your back pockets? " I put my front pockets in, and put the baggie back in as I did... I pulled open my back pockets.. and She looked in, just an addictions services card..

She checked my hoody, just a blue Bic pen..

"I'm giving you a second chance Neil, you're a bright and very nice young man; just don't throw away this help"
"I promise you I won't" I said.

She left, and that was that.. my roommate said " I didn't have enough time to tell you she was coming, she just came out of no where"
" yeah that's OK, shit happens" .. I laid down in my bed, and tried to relax..
I ended up falling asleep.. the nurse grabbed me.. and told me it was time for supper..

I was feeling stupid, Tamora sat next to me.. She was making small talk, and asked me if I had anything else..

I told her no, and told her I don't even have any smokes left, because I got caught..
She told me she was going to sneak out, meet her friend, and pick up some stuff..
She said when she got back she'd split some with me..

I finished what little supper I could eat.. then asked the nurse if I could get an ensure drink, because I haven't eaten much lately.. she said it wouldn't be a problem.. I grabbed a chocolate one.. then she told me it was time for my medication.. she asked how I was feeling, and I told her like shit.. she gave it to me, and I went right into my bedroom and threw it up..

I laid down, and fell asleep again..

My roommate woke me up, and said " Tamora wants to see you" .. I walked out to the end of the hallway, and sat down in the chair beside her.. She passed me something rolled up in toilet paper.. and told me to go take it, it'd make me feel better..

I went back to my room, and opened it up.. There was 6 Clonazapam 2mg pills and 2 morphine 200mg capsules..

My eyes lit up.. what a score for me.. and just for sharing a little bit of stuff with her.. I put them all into my baggie except 3 of the clonazapam. I swallowed those, and laid in my bed for ten minutes..

I came back out, and told her I did 1 of the 200 mg morphine.. She said "awesome Neil, I hope you feel better" .. I do already I said.. I told her I was going to lay down and let it kick in and then I'd meet her later..

I took my spoon, and grabbed a towel, and some new boxers and shorts.. and went to get a bath..
I started emptying pills onto the side of the tub.. I emptied the other half of my 30 mg capsule. and an entire morphine 200mg pill... I didn't know this, but that's a huuuge does of morphine, plus a large does of dilaudid mixed together with clonazapam.. that's a dangerous amount of drugs to take.. I was young, and I was stupid.. and thought I could handle it.. I snorted it all in two gigantic lines..

I didn't gag though, I was OK from the bit I did in the morning..

I got washed up fast, changed, and went to my room..

I was still waiting for the rush to hit me.. it usually take 5-10 minutes after snorting them.. and I was at about the 5 minute mark.. I got ready, put a hoody on, and went to the TV room... They were watching American idol.. I remember that much.. Tamora was there, and asked how I was feeling.. I told her " I don't even feel them yet.. She told me to reach under the table.. she gave me 2 more morphine 200's.. and told me only to snort another half of one..

see, she was under the impression I did it as soon as she gave it to me.. But I wanted to wait. I put the two pills inside my baggie.. I had 3 Morphine 200's.. a 30 mg duladid, and 3 clonazapam 2's left.
I drank my ensure, then made my way back down to the TV room... just then my rush hit me HARD..

"Feeling better?" She said, as I took a seat beside her at the big table behind the television and couches..
" Oh yeah.. I feel fucking great " I said..

We both talked and talked and talked about everything.. I felt so warm and caring.. we talked about why we ended up in this place..and if we both actually wanted to quit.. we both said we didn't.. we both weren't ready too.. She was  leaving the next day.. I was supposed to be there for another 10 days or more..

We talked all night, and I went to bed.. passed out hard.. and I'm lucky I didn't stop breathing.. I could have, and if I had taken even 1 more of the clonazapam pill, I just might have..

You can't play games with drugs... They're powerful.. if you're reading this, and you do drugs.. Please don't mix them.. I watched people OD and almost die from mixing them.. and I myself OD'd many times, and almost died.. it's not worth it. So please just be careful...

I woke up for breakfast in the morning.. and I grabbed my tray and my coffee and sat down beside Tamora.. We were talking about how she was leaving that day.. She gave me her number, and she told me to meet her at the end of the hall and she has another going away present for me..

I didn't even eat a bite of my food, I just made my coffee.. and gave my meal to one of the other guys..
I walked down the hallway, and passed the nurses station, they told me they'd need my vitals, and needed to give me my medication, they said I'd be called in 10 minutes..

I met Tamora, and she passed me rolled up toilet paper.. I told her I was taking it back to my room then I had to meet the nurse..

She gave me 5 more clonazapam 2's. and 5 more morphine 200's. .. There was also a note in it.. I stashed it all in my boxers.. then went to take my medication.. I did.. and then went to throw it up instantly.. then flushed it.. I brushed my teeth, then told them I was going to get a shower.. I snorted a 200 after I got my shower.. I walked out of the bathroom, and went right into my room..

I went to get my hair dryer out because I had long hair, and it was still really went.. I didn't feel the rush yet.. when I was looking for my blow dryer, I found a smoke I left behind.. I had to matches.. fuck..
I wanted a smoke bad, and the nurses seemed busy.. I could blow dry my hair, and light it off the red coil inside.. and blow it out the windows in our room..

I lit it off the coils, and shut it off, and stood by the window, and tried blowing my puffs out it.. but the wind kept blowing some of it back in.. It wasn't even two seconds later.. the nurse walked in.. They can smell smoke a mile away, because most of them don't smoke themselves..

I was busted.. I lied and lied, and tried to tell them every story I could think of to stay.. but they decided to kick me out..

They called my mom, and I had to pack up all my stuff.. "She'll be right here to pick you up"
And she was.. I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye to Tamora.. My mom showed up, and didn't even give me a hug.. she was do disappointed that I got kicked out..

We got in the car, and I opened up my bag that had my axe spray, lighters and cigarettes.. I lit a smoke, and blew it out the car window..

I told mom how sorry I was, and that I really wanted the help.. It was just too hard to quit smoking at the same time..

off to the house we went.. I was really starting to get high, and I told mom I felt drowsy from the medication they gave me..

I wasn't really upset at all.. I was glad I was out of there.. Plus I still had a good stash of drugs, and 35 dollars in coins..

We got home, and mom said "when dad gets home, we're going to have to figure something else out"

" Sorry I blew it mom... I love you.. "

-End

The next blog will pick up from where this left off.. but it's not part 4.. it's just an entirely different story..

Thanks for reading, leave a question or a comment if you'd like..

-Neil

To my family, or close friends reading this..

Part two is a little graphic, and may contain content which will bother you. If you're related to me, or close to me, I suggest you don't read it.

Thanks.

-Neil

First Detox Experiance (Part 2)

I woke up to a nurse knocking at my door... she said "it's time for breakfast.. "

I woke up, and my nose was so dry.. I got out of bed, and put some pajama pants on and a hoody.. I went to the bathroom, and blew my nose.. It instantly started bleeding... and it wouldn't stop..

It was pouring blood.. I grabbed toilet paper, and grabbed the end of my nose, and tilted my head back.. but the blood just kept going down the back of my throat.. it turned my stomach instantly.. and I threw up..

While I was throwing up, blood was pouring out of my nose, all down my face.. I looked like I got into a fight..
I just kept gagging, and gagging.. and  this must have went on for well over 10 minutes..

When I was done, the blood finally stopped.. but it looked like a crime scene in the bathroom.. I cleaned it all up.. then went out into my room..
The worst part about the room setup.. is that the sink is outside of the bathroom.. So as soon as I opened the door, there's my two roommates staring at me..

The last thing I wanna do is answer any questions.. but of course, they both ask me " Are you OK Neil? Do you want me to get you a nurse?" I said "I'm fucking fine, don't go get a nurse, I'm just a little sick"

I grabbed some facial wash, and washed my face.. it took me a few minutes to get all of the dried blood off, and out of my nose.. I then had to clean up the sink.. It was a mess... Just like me..

The other two guys left for breakfast.. and I finally ended up going down.. everyone was done, but my tray was still sitting there on the meal cart.. the plates were covered with large metal covers, so were the cups... I lifted the cover.. there was two pieces of soggy toast, and an egg... As well as a small metal bowl of oatmeal..

I poured some brown sugar on the oatmeal, and a little milk over it.. I ate maybe 4 or 5 bites... When Tomara came in... She asked me how I was feeling, and I told her I was feeling like death..

She told me she was feeling a little better, she saved half of a pill, and did it before breakfast.. she thanked me again.. And said it's too bad you don't have anymore..

I looked at her.. She looked cute, she was small, short and skinny.. and had big brown eyes..
I told her I still have 2 8's left.. and I needed one.. but I had Valium too, and we could split some of those..
Her eyes lit up, she said "that's so awesome, Are you done eating?" While she said this she was rubbing my thigh, just closer to my knee.. but just having someone to be affectionate with in a place like this felt great.. I didn't know anyone there.. and in less than 24 hours I met this girl, who seemed to like me..

Little did I know, she was just using me.. All addicts do, they can sniff out drugs, and know ways to get it.. they can play with your mind, and lie to you, until you believe them 100%. I knew how to do this, and I should have known better, I was only ruining her chance at sobriety; I wasn't helping her..

I went to my room, And grabbed the baggies from my boxers.. I took out the 2 8's and the rest of the Valium.. I took half of the Valium, and gave her the rest, as well as one of the 8 mg pills.. She honestly chewed the Valium up in front of me, without any water, and swallowed them the second I put them in her hand.. Then she said "I'll be back, meet me here when you're done"

I brought a spoon back with me from the meal area.. I took all the stuff I needed.. and walked back into the hallway, and headed for the larger bathroom with the shower and tub in it.. I was walking past the nurses station, when they said " Neil, we need to take your vitals, and give you your medication"
"Fuck" I thought.. I just wanted to do my pills and feel better.. not go through this bullshit..
I wasn't there for recovery.. I was there for an alibi, and to make other people happy.. I wasn't there for myself.. I didn't want the help.. and I was taking that bed away from someone who actually needed it and wanted it..

She put the blood pressure cuff on me, and took my pulse.. she said "your pressure is a little low, but nothing out of the ordinary for an addict going through withdrawal"
She asked me if I was craving a smoke, and I told her I was.. she asked if I wanted a nicotine patch or gum.. and I told her "just the gum is fine" she gave me 4 pieces.. then passed me a blue mug with Orange juice in it.. "what's in this?" "It's Methadone, we need to get you stabilized, then we gradually bring you down"

.. I knew what Methadone was.. and I didn't fucking want it.. it blocks you from getting high, it's a synthetic opiate, and it lasts longer then any other opiate.. It's not euphoric like morphine, dilaudids or Oxycontin.. It has a slow onset, and you don't feel any effects from it.. but it fills your opiate receptors.. so if you take any other drug, it won't give you the rush you wanted.. it won't do anything to you.

I drank it, and said "thank you" and went to the bathroom.. I turned the tap on in the tub.. and then went into where the shower was, and stuck my fingers down my throat.. And I made myself throw up the methadone she just gave me.. and the little oatmeal I ate.. I turned the shower on, and washed it down the drain..

I went back into the area with the tub, and closed the door.. I pulled out the 8mg pill, and one of the 30 mg capsules.. I emptied half the beads from the capsule, about 15mg's.. and crushed the beads up with the spoon.. I then crushed up the 8mg pill with it all, and made two lines..

My nose was all dried out and hurt, but I didn't care. I un-screwed the pen at both ends, and put it up to my nose.. and snorted the first line.. It tasted so good, I loved everything about it..
I snorted the other line... but it hit the back of my throat like a pick-up truck.. It took everything in my power not to throw up..

I went to the window, but they have it screwed shut so you can't open it even a little.. I went into where the shower was, turned the tap on and set it to the coldest setting.. then breathed the air.. It made me feel better, and I didn't throw up.. I then shut it off, and went and took my bath.. I felt the rush, and everything I wanted.. I could feel my stomach tighten up, and it was growling.. I was hungry..

I got out, dried myself off.. and walked back to my room.. I felt great again... Tamora was sitting at the end of the hallway, and she was smiling.. she made me feel so warm, and happy.. and made this high feel even better.. I dropped the towel and my old clothes off in my room, and then brushed my teeth.. I went back into the hallway to sit with her..

We talked for a little while, and she was brushing her leg up against mine.. If we had of got caught, they would have kicked us both out.. You can't so much as hug another client.. it's all about recovery, and that's the main goal of it. It's not about making friends..

She told me to take some laundry down to the laundry room in 10 minutes.. and she'd meet me there..
It's at the other end of the hallway, and you're not allowed to go there with another client, so she went first.. I went 10 minutes after..

As soon as I walked in, she kissed me, and it felt good.. I was young, and wasn't very experienced, and Thought this was the best thing ever..
She asked if I had a condom, I told her I didn't.. and she said "well we can't have sex then"
I thought to myself how much I wished I had one.. just then she unbuttoned my pants.. and stuck her hand down them..

It was over in a couple of minutes.. and She was smiling.. she thought it was funny.. I was really embarrassed, I felt so stupid. She said "I'll talk to you later, I'm going to lay down" and she left..
I chucked my clothes in the washer.. and sat there for a minute.. did that really just happen?

I was thinking she must have thought I was just a little kid, she barley touched me.. She probably didn't want anything to do with me.. what if she told her roommate? fuck.. I felt so stupid, and wished I didn't even go down there..

I was sitting in my room, when one of my roommates came in, and said "Tamora wants you to go talk to her, She's in the TV room"

I went down, and she was doing a puzzle at the table,  I sat beside her.. and she said "So, was it fun?" and I said "of course it was" She asked me how many girls I had been with.. I told her something like 10, when it was really only 2.. I could tell she didn't believe me. "Well, I thought it was fun" she said.. We started talking about what our plans were when we left detox. I told her I was going to focus on school again, and try to get more work.. She already finished school, and she said she was looking for a job.. she was still living with her parents..

She was leaving there in a few days, and I still had just shy of two weeks left. I didn't want her to leave.. I didn't even know any of the other people there.. I felt out of place.. I was really starting to get high.. I told her I had to go lay down.. and she left too.. we walked up the hallway together, she turned right, I turned left a few feet later down the hall..

One of my roommates asked me if there was something going on between me and Tamora.. I told her No, and he said "that's too bad, she's hot" .. This man was like 50 years old, Tamora was only 18.. I just said "yeah she is" and laid in bed. I didn't care for this guy, he seemed like a creep. He asked me if he could have another smoke.. and I told him I'd split one with him.. I smoked half of it, and went opened the door to tell him to come take the other half.. When the nurse walked in.. "Neil I know you're smoking.. I can smell it"

Busted.. Smoking was grounds for getting kicked out.. I signed a contract and everything.. what would my mom and dad say? .. Fuck, what was I going to do..

- End of part 2.

I'll put the final Part up tonight or tomorrow.. it's not as long as part 1 or 2..

Thanks for reading. And I'm sorry To anyone in my family if they're reading this, I know it was a little graphic.. but it's the truth.

Before I quit.. and After..

Just Thought I'd show some of you who don't know me what I used to look like, compared to now..

When I got arrested 3 years ago, I was 114lb's.. They had to give me boost to help me gain weight, I was so malnourished.. Now I'm 190+ lb's... and cut that long gross hair off.

Just thought I'd show one of the many benefits I gained by quiting drugs.

If this is your first time reading my blog..

If this is your first time reading my blog... Click on my first story, then keep pressing newer post, and it'll continue showing you the next post in the story.. you sort of have to read it form the first to get the whole Idea..

Ask questions, share the link, post comments.. Tell people about it.. I want this blog to grow even bigger and reach more people with it!.

Thanks!

-Neil

First detox experiance.. (Part 1)

Mom is just getting into the car.. I didn't have a pill in me yet.. and I felt sick again... but it was all gonna be over soon, I was excited to go to detox for my first and hopefully last time..

I really wanted this to end.. the lying, stealing, cheating.. and I was happy I was here... I wish I could get high, and feel good, but then they cost money, and I can't afford to keep a habit going. If only they were free... I would never have a drug problem... the problem doesn't come until you're out of drugs.. then that's when the drug problem really kicks in..

I've completely changed my views on that idea now, but that was what was going through my mind..

It was a sunny morning.. it rained a little late at night, and it was warming up, there was dew on the ground while we're driving.. I felt sick, but I was excited maybe this was all over.. 

We stopped and grabbed a coffee from Tim's.. and then drove up main street.. we were talking the whole time, my mom was sure that this was it, it'd be over after this... and I'd be fixed..

We took a right turn, and drove up towards the detox center.. I finished my last smoke, and chucked it out the car window.. then pulled up the hospital driveway... the detox was on the third floor..
I still didn't drink a sip of my coffee yet, it wasn't even opened..

me and mom grabbed my bag, and the bags of treats and stuff I had to take in with me.. We walked through the hospital doors, leaving the sunny day behind us.. We walked towards the elevator... And got in..
We pressed the number 3 button.. the doors shut.. and I started feeling really sick..

I had the drugs I bought hidden on me, and I was really feeling sick and couldn't stop thinking about doing them..

We took a right turn out of the elevator, and walked a few feet... then rang the buzzer the page the nurse.. she came up, and said "You must be Neil, come on in!" .. "but your mom can't come past these doors, so you're going to need to say goodbye" ...

She hugged me, and told me "Neil, you can do it, and we can just put this all behind us"
I told her I loved her, and I would see her in 14 days..

The nurse called me in, and took me to the intake room..

She asked me a lot of questions, how I was feeling... I said I felt OK, but was gonna feel sick in probably a couple hours..

She asked how much of the drug I was doing, and all this other stuff, like how long I've been doing them, my family life, other drugs I did... and the last question was "Do you have any drugs or cigarettes on you?" I pulled out my pack of smokes, and lighter, and handed it over to them..

"thank you for being honest" she said.. she asked if she could search me, and I said "yes".. she made me pull out my pockets, and shake my shirt out, and she actually checked my shoes..

But I moved my drugs to my boxers.. so they didn't check that on me..

She took my blood pressure, and told me to take it easy while they got my medication ready for me.. I told them I'd be OK for the next couple of hours, so take your time..

I Un-packed my stuff, and my smokes were still there... they went through my entire bag, and didn't check the lining.. it was Velcroed down, and I hid them under the polls inside in case they ran their fingers along it..

I talked to two of the guys there in my room.. one of them told me the other one snored like crazy.

I got out my Walkman, and made sure there was batteries in it..

I walked past the nurses station, and told them I was going to get a long bath, because my muscles hurt.. which was true, it happens in withdrawal..

So they said "that's fine, it's going to be a little longer before you get your medication anyway..

"Ohh no it's not!" I thought in my own head.. But I said "That's OK ladies, I'm just gonna relax for a while.. "

I turned the tab on, and made my bath pretty hot.. I brought some nice new clothes with me to change into..

I also brought a card I found that said addictions services on it, and a blue Bic pen you can pull apart and both ends simply by unscrewing them..

I reached into my boxers, and pulled out the baggies of pills.. I had 2 baggies..

1 Had the 15 Valium 10mg pills  in it, the other bag had two 30's(two 30mg hydromorphone contin capsules) and 10 8's(ten 8mg hydromorphone instant release pills)  in it...

I took out 6 8mg pills, and 5 Valium 10mg pills... I swallowed the Valium, and drank them down with warm water from the bath tub tap.. I then crushed the six 8mg dilaudid tablets on the side of the bathtub..

I made 3 big lines.. and laid in the tub.. it was so warm.. I then leaned over, Un-screwed the pen ends, and put the pen up to my nose... At this point I was ready to throw up.. but I knew relief was coming..

I snorted two of the three lines, one up each nostril... there was so much powder... and I was trying not to gag.. I managed to not through up... so I snorted the other line in halves.. half up my left, half up my right nostril..

I laid there and enjoyed the high.. I had a bar of soap, and was cleaning myself while I closed my eyes, and felt the rush coming over me.. I felt great again.. I was in heaven... Did I actually want to quit this feeling? I thought... I don't want to steal, or hurt people... but I don't wanna give up this feeling.. it makes me so happy, and makes me a cooler, more outgoing person.. But look at the pain it's causing everyone.. the people I love..

I washed my hair fast, and my face.. and dried off quickly.. I felt like superman again... but I knew I couldn't act high in front of them, or they'd find my stash..

I walked right past the nurses station, and took a left into my room.. I dressed up a little more, put a brand new hoody on, and thought " a smoke would make this perfect" .. I went into the bathroom, and made sure the air vent was sucking up air from the bathroom... I stuck a piece of toilet paper to it to make sure.. and it was.. I lit half a match.. I split it in half, and lit my smoke... I smoked the whole thing in less than a minute.. and flushed it down the toilet... I blew all my smoke into the vent..

I got out of there, and closed the bathroom door as fast as I could. I washed my hands, and sprayed myself with axe body spray... I then sprayed the bathroom with a little of it too..

Just then, a nurse walked in, and said " wow it stinks in here" and I said " sorry, I always spray myself with a lot of axe after a bath or shower, it stops me from sweating so much"

She then told me "this is a scent free environment, and asked if she could take the bottle from me.. I gave it to her.. and she left..

I felt so high.. so I figured I'd meet the new clients, and I did.. I talked to them all, we all shot the shit, and they all told me their stories..

One girl I met there, was 2 years older than me.. she was 18.. almost 19.. And she kept talking to me, and we became pretty close that night..

The nurse called me in, and told me my medication was ready.. and I told her " when you asked me when the last time I used was, I lied.. I used right before I came in here... so I'm not sick right now.. I don't want to take too many medications at once.. I was thinking about it, and I had to tell you, I'm sorry I lied to you. I just thought you wouldn't want to help me if I told you that"

She told me a lot of people use right before they come in, they always want that one last high.. and I told her "that's exactly what it was" .. she told me to go lay down, because my pupils looked pinned, and she said " I don't want the other clients getting cravings because of it.. " So off to my room I went, and talked to a few of the guys that were in there.. they were dying for a smoke.. so I gave them one to split.. and half a match, and told them how to do it..

I laid down, and enjoyed my high for a little while.. and got up, brushed my teeth, then sat out at the end of the hallway..

The girl I met that was a little older than me.. Let's call her Tamora; Came down the hallway and set next to me.. we talked, she was on the same drugs I was on.. and was there for 3 days.. she said they were only giving her codeine 4 times a day, and a little Valium twice a day to help with her come down.. but she was still really sick... She said "if I could just get one more pill, I'd Feel so much better..

We talked and talked about everything, where she was from.. she didn't have a boyfriend, and I didn't have a girlfriend... She told me I was cute, and I felt the same way about her... she was very attractive..
She said "we'll be friends in here, only talk to each other, and hangout.. we know what each other is going through, so we'd probably be the best people to talk to." I agreed, and we kept talking for a few hours..

She was getting pretty sick, and I could tell the opiate withdrawal was really getting to her..
She said to me "Listen, it was nice talking to you.. but I've gotta go throw up, then I'm going to lay down".. She started to walk away, when I said " wait!.. she sat back down.. and I told her " Listen, I've got 2 8's I snuck in... I don't need them, and you need them more than me.. She said "I can't just take them for free, I have to give you something for them" I told her not to worry about it..

She went and did them, and came back with a roll of quarters, and a roll of loonies. it was 35 dollars.. And she told me to keep it.. she said " I brought it in for phone money, but I have a phone card anyway so just keep it for helping me out, I appreciate it Neil"

I put them in my pocket... and we sat and talked for a while longer..

We both went to bed, and before she left, she kissed me off the camera.. and she kept walking to her room.. and winked at me before she turned into her room..

A million thoughts went through my head.. "If we both got clean, Halifax isn't very far.. we could see each other, and both stay clean" ... Then I thought " She doesn't want anything to do with a 16 year old kid... she just wants a friend while she's here.. and she's flirting with me just for something to do, because she knows I like her"

I ended up reading a bit, then went to bed.. I slept right through, and woke up for breakfast at 8..

-End of part 1.. Part 2 is coming tomorrow.

Thanks for reading!

-Neil

First try at quiting..

The gig was up.. It was out in the open now..

We ended up going back home to talk..

They asked a lot of questions, and I gave them an honest answer to all of them... Except one..
They asked me how much I owed to drug dealers.. And I told them 400..

It was really closer to 200-250 all together..

They called the local detox center, and I was able to get in, but it was in a few days.. and I didn't want to be sick the whole time.. I had 10 4's on me, and I was sick right then... I told them I was going up to get a bath.. I turned on the water, and got my clothes all ready.. I also grabbed a battery, and my wallet with my bill in it..

I crushed 5 of the pills up, and snorted them.. then got my bath as quick as I could..

I did everything I could to act like I was still sick, or they would have known I had some drugs on me..
I laid down on the couch, and they brought me gravol and imodium, while they read up about opiate addiction.. they didn't know it or understand it..

I was nodding off, but I told them I was tired and sick and the gravol was making me even more tired..

They took me to the hospital, and the doctor gave me a few valium and some codeine for coming down until I went into detox..

it helped my buzz grow, and I made it through those 3 days with the last 5 pills I had.. I did 3 the first day with my other medication, and two the next day..

I was OK, I wasn't sick, so it wasn't the bad... my parents weren't mad at me.. they knew it wasn't my fault, I was just an addict.. and it was a disease that needed to be cured..

It was the day before I was supposed to go to detox.. mom got me a bunch of treats, and pop, a calling card.. stuff like that. I brought my disc man, burned few cd's and stuff.. Anyway, dad came home from work.. and they called me out into the kitchen..

They had about 400 dollars sitting on the table.. and asked me how long it would take me to go and pay back my drug dealer.. I told them it would take about 30 minutes to get there and back.. They asked me one more time if I would just please tell them who it was, and I told them I couldn't, or I'd be in even more trouble..

I walked down to see Marcus... and went in.. I payed him the 150 I owed him... Then spent the rest on drugs.. I figured if I'm going to quit,I'm going to make sure I have one last really fun time with them..

And that's the addiction talking, you want it and want it, and you convince yourself one last time won't hurt you..  I bought a lot of drugs with 250 dollars.. and he gave me a deal.. I bought 15 valium,  10 8's and 2 30's... I shoved it in the bottom of my shoes, under my insoles..

When I got home, my mom hugged me, and said "it's OK Neil, It's all over"

They wanted to search my clothes, and they did... everything.. but they didn't search my shoes..

I left them there that night.. I snorted 2 8's at Marcus' house.. so I figured I'd just use them at detox..

.. In the morning when I packed for my 14 day stay... I packed 10 smokes in with my luggage, under the lining, and a book of matches..

I had everything I needed, and I figured, this is it, after my last few pills are gone, it'll be over.. I'll be clean, and life will be back to normal...

I was on my way to detox for the first time of many stays.. But that's going to be tomorrow's post.

-Thanks for reading, and for not judging.

-Neil

Guilt And Shame (Part 3)

- Everyone’s luck has to run out sometimes.. And mine sure did....

I woke up Monday morning, around 10.. Feeling sooo sick, I felt horrible.. This was the worst one yet... I had my tolerance up high again, and this was bad idea..
The more you do, the sicker you get when you don't have it..

I couldn't make it the whole day without a pill.. I went to Loosa's house, and told him I'm going to the grocery store, and asked him what he needed. He did me up a 60 dollar list.. And I ran to his bathroom and threw up as soon as he handed it to me..

I came out, and told him "man, I'm really sick right now, can you spot me 6 of the 4's now, and give you the other ones when I get back? He said that was fine..

I left, feeling sicker every minute.. I went to my grandmothers, and planned to do them there, it was pretty close to the grocery store I was going to anyway...

I went in, and talked to her for a bit.. I went in her bathroom.. and instead of snorting the pills, I just took a gravol,, I figured I was sick, so I may as well do a 30 and a few 4's as soon as I do it.. It’ll only take me 20 minutes at the store..

I went shopping, and I took the cart and made my way through the store getting stuff on his list.. I got it all, and went to the cash..

As soon as they rung my order through, and I passed them the check.. She asked me "is it ok if I call your grandmother to make sure this check it ok?"
Ohhh Nooo I thought, this is horrible, and this is the worst thing that could happen..

" My Nan just left for Amherst, I'll get her to call you guys when she gets home!"
I took the cheque back, and left the store..

It was pouring outside.. And I ran to my grandmothers as fast as I could to get to her phone and turn the ringer off in case they called.. I rung her door buzzer, and she let me in.. Usually she always said " hello, who is it.. But not this time...

As soon as I opened the doors, she was standing there crying.. My heart instantly broke..
How could I do this to her? How could I do this to my own grandmother.. She loved me more than anything in this world.. I betrayed her trust.. She was broken..

She asked me, Neil.. How could you do this to me?

A million lies ran through my head.. A bully was threatening me into giving him money... etc. etc. etc..

I finally broke down and told her the truth.. I'm addicted to painkillers... to opiates like dilaudids, oxycontin and morphine..

She started crying and gave me a hug... she ended up caring my parents.. And they came down.. I thought they would be mad.. But they told me it's not my fault.. And we'll get you help..

They asked if I’ve done this before.. And I admitted it all to them.. I told them everything.. How I owed money to people, how addicted I was, how much I stole... I told them everything but the stuff about the smokes, and my dealer’s names..

We'll get you help Neil... We love you..

-End of part 3

Guilt And Shame (Part 2)

I wrote these on my laptop, it always messes up, so some of it might have extra spaces, but you'll get the idea.

- I woke up Saturday morning, and reached under my bed... I was already starting to get sick... but it wasn't that bad at this point, but if I gave it another hour, or maybe 2... I would have been a lot worse..

I had rigged up a pen tube with cotton, then a layer of electrical tape on the end I snort out of.. So it wouldn't hurt my nose as I snorted through it..

I finished the lines, then took 2 Xanax and 2 valium.. I went downstairs and made a coffee.. My parents were both up, they were extremely happy and cheerful that morning.. My brothers were doing great, and looked like they might get jobs.. My mom told me how proud she was of me, and gave me a huge kiss and a hug.

I felt so guilty, all the lies, all the stealing.. But the drug hit me.. And it took that guilt away and I didn't care anymore...

I went on the computer, and was talking to a guy about a party that night.. But I needed more money..

Now, I didn't want to use another one of my grandmothers checks, So I called the girl from the store to see if she was working, and then I could get more smokes off of her and sell them...

"ringgg, ringgg," I was getting nervous asking her to do this, her father answered, and I asked if she was home.. He told me she was gone with a friend for the weekend.. "

Fuck, What I was going to do now? .. It was going to have to be 1 more cheque..

I filled it out for 80 dollars.. And went and bought two bottles of the eye medication my grandmother always bought.. But this time, I bought the lower strength ones.. So I could take them back..

I got 40 dollars change back, and went to see Marcus.. I bought another 30 and walked home with the medication I bought from the store in my backpack.. As soon as I walked into my driveway my dad was in the shed.. He was working on something.. He said "Neil, the pharmacy called " My heard sunk... oh fuck, what was I going to do or say?? " they need your signature on the back of a cheque you took in for Nan" ..  He didn't know.. How didn't he know?

I went back over to the pharmacy.. And signed the back.. I also told them the medication I got was the wrong one, but my aunt is getting it for her in Amherst because it's cheaper, so I need to return these.. They rang them back through, and I heard the cash register ring, they handed me 40 dollars and I was on my way.. How did I get away with this? I was so lucky..

I went back home, and said to dad " Yeah it was the one from last week when I went for Nan.. Which I actually did.. He never thought twice about it.. He trusted me..

I had two cheques left, so I figured I'd get rid of them, and never do it again..

But I thought " I always go to food land, and maybe I should just go there this once..

I went, and made the check out for 100 dollars.. And I could write like her; so it didn't look fake or like someone else wrote it... I had a person I could sell food to for pills, so I spent about 60 dollars there, got to the cash and they gave me a little over 40 dollars in change.. I left the store, and I walked to another guy who sold pills. Let’s call him Lossa' ..

Lossa' gave me 10 4's for the 60 dollars’ worth of food.. And I left, and walked to see Marcus..

I bought one more 30 for a total of 2 that day.. Plus I had 10 4mg dilaudids, and lots of valium and Xanax left.

I went home, snorted the half of a 30 I had from before, and got into the bath... I smoked 4 or 5 smokes while I laid there... thinking about what I did... I was wondering if any of those stores would have called Nan..

I got out, shaved, did my hair.. And then called my Nan to ask how she was doing.. And to check if any stores called her asking her any questions.. They didn't, so I figured I got off free, no trouble for this kid.. I’m just too smart to get caught, to slick... ha-ha I'm actually glad that it finally blew up in my face..

So I took a 30mg pill, the 10 4mg pills and 7 of each valium and Xanax.. Me and my buddy went to the store and bought some pop.. Then called a cab to bring us a quart of rum.. We got it picked up at the Carleton.. An apartment complex in Springhill. We used to hang out in the lobby to roll joints and stuff, it was a common area.. We told him we'd meet him downstairs..

I saw the taxi come, and I went down... he said "you're not 19" and I said " I know, I'm picking it up for my dad, he's upstairs getting ready" "ok" said the cab driver, and sold it to me.. And I gave him a bit of a tip, and left..

We went and bought a pack of smokes for this party.. And we both split the 10 4mg pills, I gave him 4, and I took 6..

We also each took 2 valium and 2 Xanax..

We were at a party, having fun.. I gave a couple of valium and Xanax away to a guy I knew.. And drank my half of the quart... I was passing out, and blacking out.. I finally came too, and buddy gave me a line of coke, it sobered me right up, and I asked if he had any more.. He said he had over half a gram...

So I took out the 30 mg Dilaudid, and told him I'd split it with him, if he split the coke with me that night.. he said "I dunnoh man" I told him " I’ll give you 2 valium and 2 Xanax, which was all I had left " for the come down"

He agreed, and we did lines every 20 minutes or so, and drank his beer in between, my other buddy was there, but he was all messed up, passing out on the couch.. By this time, there wasn't many people there.. We finished the coke, and drank one last beer.. Then I told him to grab a plate.. I crushed up the 30, and did it into 4 lines, 2 for me, 2 for him... we talked for an hour about stupid shit that seemed very smart at the time, growing weed, making money, blah blah blah... we both started coming down, and felt like complete shit..

We both took our lines, and within 10 minutes, we both felt fine.. It was about 5 am.. So I went home, and went to bed..

I woke up in the afternoon with a bad hangover, plus the sickness creeping in.. I felt messed up, it was 4 in the afternoon.. I slept 12 hours.. I must have really been messed up, because I still don't remember exactly how I got home, because it was pretty far.. I don't remember going to bed, and it scared me, because I blacked out..

I went downstairs to the kitchen, and talked to mom and dad "wow, you really slept in " Yeah I know... I was up late at Billy’s house playing video games" my parents believe this because Billy-not his real name- Was a good kid. I couldn't just say I was with 2 other guys partying last night.. We already had the drinking talk, because I got caught once before.. And they were convinced I stopped drinking..

I went upstairs, took the rest of the valium I had left, which wasn't much.. A couple of pills, and a few Xanax too... And I crushed up my last 30 mg pill, and snorted that.. Then went to timhortons for a coffee.. I felt good, but I was broke, I had a few smokes, and 6 dollars left I think... I knew I was good for today.. But I was fucked for tomorrow..

But I did have the 1 cheque left... and I could get away with that... I'll do that tomorrow.. There’s no way I’ll get caught..

-End of part 2 of 3.

Guilt and shame.. (Part 1)

This entire story is going to be in 3 or 4 parts.. This is very hard for me to write about... I tear up, and almost cry everytime I think about this.. It was something horrible I did.. And i'm embarassed, and ashamed of what I did...

Here's my story..

- This story is hard for me to tell... it brings up a lot of raw emotions,
and guilt that still burdens me today... It was over 6 years ago.. But I remember it like yesterday..

It was spring time.. Almost edging on summer.. It was raining.. And I was very very sick..

I took 5 valium I had left in my stash to try to take the edge off.. I had 8 dollars.. And owed everyone I knew money.. Including my parents and my grandmother..

I decided I would go to the pharmacy and buy a bottle of Tylenol 1's.. They sell them legally in Canada without a prescription.. And they contain 8mgs of codeine in each pill.

I figured I could take enough of them to ease my withdrawal symptoms..
I walked in the rain to the pharmacy.. And went to the back of the store. I asked the pharmacist for a bottle.. He looked at me, and said " No, I can't sell them to you unless you're 18".

I told him that I knew that wasn't true, and he assured me it was.. I left, angry, sick.. And not knowing when I was going to do.

I walked all the way to visit Marcus, I told him how I was sick, and that I only had 8 dollars, but I would bring him the other 12 dollars later once I got it.. He told me no, you owe me 150 dollars as it is..

I had no options left... so I figured I could walk to my grandmothers, and borrow 12 dollars off of her. She was the only person I had left..

I walked down, and made her a coffee.. Talked for a little bit, then finally asked her if I could borrow 12 dollars.. She told me she couldn't do it.. Because I've been getting too much money from her lately... I told her I was going out for lunch with a girl I knew, and I really needed it..

She still told me no, that she just couldn’t do it today.. I said ok, and went to the bathroom..

She kept her talwin in there, and I figured taking a few of those would get me through till tomorrow..

When I looked at the bottle there were only 6 in it.. This was a Friday, and she took 2 a day.. I couldn't take any, she had a doctor’s appointment on Monday, and she'd be getting her re-fill.. I couldn't see my grandmother in pain, that wouldn't be right..

I went back out, and into the living room, after taking 2 gravol, and some Imodium, because I was throwing up and I’m sure you can guess why I was taking the Imodium.. My bowels wouldn't stop moving.. And it hurt so badly every time they did..

While we were sitting in her living room, she got up to use the bathroom.. She would take a while in there.. But not long enough for me to slip 12 dollars from her wallet..

So I Grabbed 4 cheques from her dresser in her living room. And sat back down.. I also took 4 toonies from her change dish.. This gave me 16 dollars..

She came out of the bathroom and told me to take 4 dollars out of her change dish for coffee's..

She knew I drank a lot of coffee.. "Thanks nan.. " 
This gave me the 20 dollars I needed..

As soon as she did that, I said I was running late, and I had to meet up with that girl.. She then said "Neil, listen.. Grab my purse.. I went into her bedroom, and grabbed her purse..

She opened it, and there was lots of money in there.. Hundreds of dollars all in different bills.  She gave me another 10 dollars; then told me to take the purse back... When I did, I slipped another 10, 20 and a 5 dollar bill..

I wasn't even thinking... I had enough for today, but this way I wouldn't have to use those cheese tomorrow.. I had enough to get me through the weekend..

I had 65 dollars.. Surely this would be more than enough..

I went back to Marcus, and asked him what size pills he had.. He told me he had 30's..
He sold cut me a deal, and sold me 2 of them for 65 dollars..

I ran home as fast as I could.. The only one home was dad.. He was on the computer.. And by this time the sun broke through, and the day looked beautiful..

I went up into my room, and grabbed a plate from under my bed.. And poured out half the capsule... then I thought.. Fuck it, I’ll take the whole pill...

I crushed up the whole 30mg capsule of beads.. To break the time release.. This is sooo dangerous to someone who doesn’t know anything about opiates... that could and probably would kill them... This 30mg pill is actually even stronger then the highest Oxycontin pill which is an oxy 80mg. Kids were dropping from snorting a whole oxy 80 in cape Breton.

Anyway, back to my story... I had to make 4 lines, because this pill was so big... I snorted the first two fast.. And adjusted it to the back of my nose where my mucus membranes were.. I then snorted the other two lines, and got them in my mucus membranes.. That’s how you absorb it into you..

I laid back in my bed.. And slid the plate under it. I laid there, with my eyes closed, listening to my mini disk player.. And really enjoyed it.. Once you're in withdrawal, and you finally get your drug, and get relief from it, it's like an orgasm.. It's like being cozy, and comfortable..

Imagine the worst flu you ever had, and imagine if you could pay 10 dollars to cure it instantly... you would wouldn't you? Anyone would.. And that's what makes this drug such a dangerous thing.. You’ll do anything to get it..

I had valium and gravol in me, so I was pretty high, and I could run the risk of my breathing stopping from mixing downers.. So I had to get out of the house.. I walked downtown, bummed a toonie off dad for a coffee.. And told him I was going to meet a girl.. Just in case he spoke to Nan, my story would work..

I went to Tims, and bought a coffee.. I stared out the window, and enjoyed the beautiful day it turned out to be. I really wanted this feeling forever.. Then I thought... I have a few cheques.. And I used to always go to the bank, Foodland, or the pharmacy with them for my Nan, they wouldn't expect a thing if I went in there and bought something for her, or cashed a check for her..

I rationalized I would pay some on my bill, and that once I for another contract at work, I would slip the money back into her bank account. Since I knew the number of her account..

So I went to the bank, and cashed a check for 100 dollars.. The woman told me she would need a note from my grandmother the next time saying it was ok for me to do that.... Because my grandmother legitimately got me to do this all the time; it wasn't out of the ordinary..

So I had 100 dollars, and a 30 mg pill in my pocket.. I bought a pack of smokes, and went to see Marcus again.. I asked him if he'd sell me 3 more 30mg pills for $92.00.. He told me yes, and I was so excited. I was like a kid in the candy store.. I figured this would help me if I ever needed it.. I had 3 cheques left, and would only use them in emergencies like being sick..

I went to a using friend’s house, and gave him half a 30, and snorted the other half.
I was a mess.. he then told me he had 40 valium 10's and 40 Xanax 1mg's

I told him I'd give him a 30 mg Hydromorphone for 20 valium and 30 Xanax.. He bartered with me and told me only 20 Xanax.. I said "Xanax isn't even that good, I want 30 of them or it’s no deal" and of course, he traded me them all in the end.
 
So I had a big stash built up.. 2 Hydromorphone 30's and 50 benzodiazepines.

I went back home that night after playing some guitar and bass at this guy’s house..

I did half of a '30'  and crushed the other 30 and made lines out of it, and put it under my bed for the morning.. I was on msn, heard about a party that Saturday night, and knew I would need more money for it.. To buy drugs and get some alcohol.. Now how would I get this?

-End of part 1.