Thursday, February 16, 2012

One Step Forward... Two Steps Back..

"One step forward... two steps back"; is the perfect way to describe my life at this point..
I'd do well in class, I'd help out my grandmother by getting her groceries and stuff for her at the pharmacy..
I'd help out my parents, I'd learn a new song on the guitar, I'd almost start dating another girl...

Then I would use drugs, and mess everything up, and be further behind than when I started..

That is addiction... that's all it is..
You can't move forward with anything.. you might feel like you're doing well, because you have a job, you're paying your bills, you have a girlfriend or a wife, a house, a car... but you're still using..
You might think you have it all under control... but sooner or later, you'll lose your grip..
And that's when everything comes crashing down...

I was using drugs at school almost everyday... I would skip  every third or fourth day "so I wouldn't become addicted" I thought... but on the fourth day, I started using a different drug I found... Valium.. I was given it by an older woman one day, she got a few boxes of it and gave me a bunch... some to sell, and some to keep.

So I would take about 5 or 6 each day on my "day off" from opiates.. I was selling a little weed here and there too, and trying to make as much money as I could to buy more pills..

I then started to mix drugs... I'd take 1 Valium 10mg, and half of an 8mg dilaudid.. I found if I took the Valium 20 minutes before snorting my dilaudid, I would get a better rush, and feel the effects off of even less of the dilaudid then I would normally need..

I didn't even realise what I was doing, or how dangerous this was.. I've explained the dangers of mixing opiates and Benzodiazepines together in my other blogs... But it's EXTREMELY dangerous. You can die.. this is how most people overdose from opiates... and it's how I overdosed three times myself... it's also how I watched 2 friends almost die.. and one man I bearly knew die.. from this evil cocktail of pills..

Anyway, I was getting pretty messed up in school, and I was running low on opiates again.. I had money, but no source..

Another friend told me about a girl he knew who sold Oxycontin pills... he knew her well, so we could get them really cheap...

The price was 10 dollars for a 40mg Oxycontin... which is less than half the normal price. Some people in the states even charge 50 dollars for one of these pills..

I was so excited... I went and bought 3 of them for 20 dollars off of the girl..
so it was less than 7 dollars a pill...
Then I went to a girls house I hung out with; with my other friend Mic'

Her parents were gone... and I was super excited to try this new drug..

Me and Mic' peeled the time release coating off of the pill (also EXTREMELY dangerous) and crushed it up..  We didn't know how much to use because it was the first time we tried this drug..
We split it up into two lines, and did 20mg's each.. she just left the room before we did it.. she never did hard drugs.. she smoked a little pot.. but that was it.

We sat in her chairs after having a smoke... and let it kick it... I didn't get a big rush like I did from the dilaudids.. but I felt good, and so relaxed and warm... then I started to nod...
Me and Mic' were trying to talk about stuff, and talk to our friend who was there... but we both just nodded off and basically slept the whole time..

We snapped out of it after 2 hours or so, and went to her room... we split the other pill on a speaker in her room.. and I think we had a coffee to wake ourselves up. We didn't nod off quite as much as last time, but I liked this feeling I got... not as much as dilaudid... but it wasn't much different.. and it was another source..

Fast forward a couple of weeks, I was still buying a lot of Oxycontin.. and dilaudids from both of my sources.. I was also buying Valium and xannax from another person I met.

I had a lot of drugs saved up too... I had Dexedrine and Adderall I bought, and a bunch of weed I bought cheap off a guy who stole it from someone. I also had 25 Ritalin I got from a girl I knew from amherst.

I was only 17.. That's insane, and bought, or found a source for everyone of these drugs in school... in a small school with a student base of 300 or less... Just imagine in bigger schools.. it makes me sick to think about..

Anyway, I would drink some weekends, and use drugs... I was hanging out with some of the "hard core" drug users.. I hid it from a lot of friends, and still had my normal social life.. it was hard to juggle my addiction, and my friends... and I didn't even know I was addicted yet..

But something inside of me started to change... I lost some of my morals... I would never steal, lie or cheat...  but I was doing all of these things to support my drug habit..

I remember one girl I knew from a few towns away. She would come over and hangout with me. One night she wanted to buy Oxycontin.. I told her they were 20 dollars each. When I was really getting 3 for 20, or sometimes 4..

I would take advantage of this poor girl for her money, I used her because she liked me... just to get what I wanted... I just didn't care about anyone but myself.

I used to convince her that I had drugs for sale... Once I told her it was sugar cube acid..
I took sugar cubes... and sprayed cepacol throat spray on them.. I sold her 10 of them for 50 dollars..
walking away from her car laughing.. Thinking I was just so funny and cool. Too bad I was actually just a big loser..

Another time, she came down to hangout, and to buy "xtc" from me... I took some random muscle relaxer.. dipped them in water, and scratched happy faces into them.. She met me, and drove me to the high school... I took out the baggy of pills, and got the money from her... I told her to wait there, and I would be right back there soon to hangout with her. I just made up some lie that I had to pay the guy who owned the xtc..

When in reality I had no intention on coming back... I went and spent the 40 dollars I got from her on Oxycontin, and snuck home..

I used her for drives, I did drugs in her car with friends, and drove her car around..

I still to this day feel bad for what I did to this girl.. the sad part is she isn't the only person I took money from, ripped off or stole from.. I was getting worse and worse.. and didn't realise how bad I was really getting.. and how far back I was from acheiving my goals and dreams...


Hey guys.. the next few stories get pretty emotional for me.. I'm probably going to keep them pretty short, and to the point so I can show how these drugs changed me, changed my morals, my minds chemistry, and the person I was at the time.. I did a lot of horrible stuff, and I'm going to share some of it in my next few blogs.. I really want to stress that I'm not this person anymore... i'm not a bad person.. I'm a loving, caring, and honest person.. and anyone who knows me, would agree with me 100%.

I still harbour a lot of shame and guilt for a lot of the things I did... I'm still working on making amends to some of these people, and I'm just glad I got a second chance at life... to learn from my mistakes and help others.

Thanks for reading! please share this link with anyone you know.

later guys!



  1. I must say over the years I've known you Neil , and its been a while .. you always were a good person, those drugs changed you for that period of time into something you werent, you've come a long way and Im so happy to say that your still around to be my friend because something so much worse could have been the outcome. Im so proud of you for coming such a long way. I knew you could do it and I know all the people in shoes like yours can do it too. Believe in yourselves, only you have the power to change it, and Im so greatful you ended up choosing the right path and Im so glad you finally found happiness, because you deserve every second of it <3
    I love ya my dear friend .. forever and always, no matter what Ill always be here for you.

    1. You were one of the only friends who stuck by me through everything.. you never judged me. And I can't thank you enough for that.. Even your parents had faith in me, they cared about me.. and didn't for a second write me off.
      I love you for that, and I'll never let you down again :)

      If I can get three years clean.. anyone in the world can. It just take determination, and you just have to tell yourself when you wake up.. "I won't get high today" Don't think about months from now, or years from now. Just focus on today, and what's important in your life.

      My life has never been better. I'm luckier than most people know.

      I'm lucky to have a friend like you.. Thank you.