Friday, February 24, 2012

Guilt And Shame (Part 3)




- Everyone’s luck has to run out sometimes.. And mine sure did....

I woke up Monday morning, around 10.. Feeling sooo sick, I felt horrible.. This was the worst one yet... I had my tolerance up high again, and this was bad idea..
The more you do, the sicker you get when you don't have it..

I couldn't make it the whole day without a pill.. I went to Loosa's house, and told him I'm going to the grocery store, and asked him what he needed. He did me up a 60 dollar list.. And I ran to his bathroom and threw up as soon as he handed it to me..

I came out, and told him "man, I'm really sick right now, can you spot me 6 of the 4's now, and give you the other ones when I get back? He said that was fine..

I left, feeling sicker every minute.. I went to my grandmothers, and planned to do them there, it was pretty close to the grocery store I was going to anyway...

I went in, and talked to her for a bit.. I went in her bathroom.. and instead of snorting the pills, I just took a gravol,, I figured I was sick, so I may as well do a 30 and a few 4's as soon as I do it.. It’ll only take me 20 minutes at the store..

I went shopping, and I took the cart and made my way through the store getting stuff on his list.. I got it all, and went to the cash..

As soon as they rung my order through, and I passed them the check.. She asked me "is it ok if I call your grandmother to make sure this check it ok?"
Ohhh Nooo I thought, this is horrible, and this is the worst thing that could happen..

" My Nan just left for Amherst, I'll get her to call you guys when she gets home!"
I took the cheque back, and left the store..

It was pouring outside.. And I ran to my grandmothers as fast as I could to get to her phone and turn the ringer off in case they called.. I rung her door buzzer, and she let me in.. Usually she always said " hello, who is it.. But not this time...

As soon as I opened the doors, she was standing there crying.. My heart instantly broke..
How could I do this to her? How could I do this to my own grandmother.. She loved me more than anything in this world.. I betrayed her trust.. She was broken..

She asked me, Neil.. How could you do this to me?

A million lies ran through my head.. A bully was threatening me into giving him money... etc. etc. etc..

I finally broke down and told her the truth.. I'm addicted to painkillers... to opiates like dilaudids, oxycontin and morphine..

She started crying and gave me a hug... she ended up caring my parents.. And they came down.. I thought they would be mad.. But they told me it's not my fault.. And we'll get you help..

They asked if I’ve done this before.. And I admitted it all to them.. I told them everything.. How I owed money to people, how addicted I was, how much I stole... I told them everything but the stuff about the smokes, and my dealer’s names..

We'll get you help Neil... We love you..

-End of part 3

1 comment:

  1. You should be proud of yourself neil! Regardless how much guilt you have:)

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