Mom is just getting into the car.. I didn't have a pill in me yet.. and I felt sick again... but it was all gonna be over soon, I was excited to go to detox for my first and hopefully last time..
I really wanted this to end.. the lying, stealing, cheating.. and I was happy I was here... I wish I could get high, and feel good, but then they cost money, and I can't afford to keep a habit going. If only they were free... I would never have a drug problem... the problem doesn't come until you're out of drugs.. then that's when the drug problem really kicks in..
I've completely changed my views on that idea now, but that was what was going through my mind..
It was a sunny morning.. it rained a little late at night, and it was warming up, there was dew on the ground while we're driving.. I felt sick, but I was excited maybe this was all over..
We stopped and grabbed a coffee from Tim's.. and then drove up main street.. we were talking the whole time, my mom was sure that this was it, it'd be over after this... and I'd be fixed..
We took a right turn, and drove up towards the detox center.. I finished my last smoke, and chucked it out the car window.. then pulled up the hospital driveway... the detox was on the third floor..
I still didn't drink a sip of my coffee yet, it wasn't even opened..
me and mom grabbed my bag, and the bags of treats and stuff I had to take in with me.. We walked through the hospital doors, leaving the sunny day behind us.. We walked towards the elevator... And got in..
We pressed the number 3 button.. the doors shut.. and I started feeling really sick..
I had the drugs I bought hidden on me, and I was really feeling sick and couldn't stop thinking about doing them..
We took a right turn out of the elevator, and walked a few feet... then rang the buzzer the page the nurse.. she came up, and said "You must be Neil, come on in!" .. "but your mom can't come past these doors, so you're going to need to say goodbye" ...
She hugged me, and told me "Neil, you can do it, and we can just put this all behind us"
I told her I loved her, and I would see her in 14 days..
The nurse called me in, and took me to the intake room..
She asked me a lot of questions, how I was feeling... I said I felt OK, but was gonna feel sick in probably a couple hours..
She asked how much of the drug I was doing, and all this other stuff, like how long I've been doing them, my family life, other drugs I did... and the last question was "Do you have any drugs or cigarettes on you?" I pulled out my pack of smokes, and lighter, and handed it over to them..
"thank you for being honest" she said.. she asked if she could search me, and I said "yes".. she made me pull out my pockets, and shake my shirt out, and she actually checked my shoes..
But I moved my drugs to my boxers.. so they didn't check that on me..
She took my blood pressure, and told me to take it easy while they got my medication ready for me.. I told them I'd be OK for the next couple of hours, so take your time..
I Un-packed my stuff, and my smokes were still there... they went through my entire bag, and didn't check the lining.. it was Velcroed down, and I hid them under the polls inside in case they ran their fingers along it..
I talked to two of the guys there in my room.. one of them told me the other one snored like crazy.
I got out my Walkman, and made sure there was batteries in it..
I walked past the nurses station, and told them I was going to get a long bath, because my muscles hurt.. which was true, it happens in withdrawal..
So they said "that's fine, it's going to be a little longer before you get your medication anyway..
"Ohh no it's not!" I thought in my own head.. But I said "That's OK ladies, I'm just gonna relax for a while.. "
I turned the tab on, and made my bath pretty hot.. I brought some nice new clothes with me to change into..
I also brought a card I found that said addictions services on it, and a blue Bic pen you can pull apart and both ends simply by unscrewing them..
I reached into my boxers, and pulled out the baggies of pills.. I had 2 baggies..
1 Had the 15 Valium 10mg pills in it, the other bag had two 30's(two 30mg hydromorphone contin capsules) and 10 8's(ten 8mg hydromorphone instant release pills) in it...
I took out 6 8mg pills, and 5 Valium 10mg pills... I swallowed the Valium, and drank them down with warm water from the bath tub tap.. I then crushed the six 8mg dilaudid tablets on the side of the bathtub..
I made 3 big lines.. and laid in the tub.. it was so warm.. I then leaned over, Un-screwed the pen ends, and put the pen up to my nose... At this point I was ready to throw up.. but I knew relief was coming..
I snorted two of the three lines, one up each nostril... there was so much powder... and I was trying not to gag.. I managed to not through up... so I snorted the other line in halves.. half up my left, half up my right nostril..
I laid there and enjoyed the high.. I had a bar of soap, and was cleaning myself while I closed my eyes, and felt the rush coming over me.. I felt great again.. I was in heaven... Did I actually want to quit this feeling? I thought... I don't want to steal, or hurt people... but I don't wanna give up this feeling.. it makes me so happy, and makes me a cooler, more outgoing person.. But look at the pain it's causing everyone.. the people I love..
I washed my hair fast, and my face.. and dried off quickly.. I felt like superman again... but I knew I couldn't act high in front of them, or they'd find my stash..
I walked right past the nurses station, and took a left into my room.. I dressed up a little more, put a brand new hoody on, and thought " a smoke would make this perfect" .. I went into the bathroom, and made sure the air vent was sucking up air from the bathroom... I stuck a piece of toilet paper to it to make sure.. and it was.. I lit half a match.. I split it in half, and lit my smoke... I smoked the whole thing in less than a minute.. and flushed it down the toilet... I blew all my smoke into the vent..
I got out of there, and closed the bathroom door as fast as I could. I washed my hands, and sprayed myself with axe body spray... I then sprayed the bathroom with a little of it too..
Just then, a nurse walked in, and said " wow it stinks in here" and I said " sorry, I always spray myself with a lot of axe after a bath or shower, it stops me from sweating so much"
She then told me "this is a scent free environment, and asked if she could take the bottle from me.. I gave it to her.. and she left..
I felt so high.. so I figured I'd meet the new clients, and I did.. I talked to them all, we all shot the shit, and they all told me their stories..
One girl I met there, was 2 years older than me.. she was 18.. almost 19.. And she kept talking to me, and we became pretty close that night..
The nurse called me in, and told me my medication was ready.. and I told her " when you asked me when the last time I used was, I lied.. I used right before I came in here... so I'm not sick right now.. I don't want to take too many medications at once.. I was thinking about it, and I had to tell you, I'm sorry I lied to you. I just thought you wouldn't want to help me if I told you that"
She told me a lot of people use right before they come in, they always want that one last high.. and I told her "that's exactly what it was" .. she told me to go lay down, because my pupils looked pinned, and she said " I don't want the other clients getting cravings because of it.. " So off to my room I went, and talked to a few of the guys that were in there.. they were dying for a smoke.. so I gave them one to split.. and half a match, and told them how to do it..
I laid down, and enjoyed my high for a little while.. and got up, brushed my teeth, then sat out at the end of the hallway..
The girl I met that was a little older than me.. Let's call her Tamora; Came down the hallway and set next to me.. we talked, she was on the same drugs I was on.. and was there for 3 days.. she said they were only giving her codeine 4 times a day, and a little Valium twice a day to help with her come down.. but she was still really sick... She said "if I could just get one more pill, I'd Feel so much better..
We talked and talked about everything, where she was from.. she didn't have a boyfriend, and I didn't have a girlfriend... She told me I was cute, and I felt the same way about her... she was very attractive..
She said "we'll be friends in here, only talk to each other, and hangout.. we know what each other is going through, so we'd probably be the best people to talk to." I agreed, and we kept talking for a few hours..
She was getting pretty sick, and I could tell the opiate withdrawal was really getting to her..
She said to me "Listen, it was nice talking to you.. but I've gotta go throw up, then I'm going to lay down".. She started to walk away, when I said " wait!.. she sat back down.. and I told her " Listen, I've got 2 8's I snuck in... I don't need them, and you need them more than me.. She said "I can't just take them for free, I have to give you something for them" I told her not to worry about it..
She went and did them, and came back with a roll of quarters, and a roll of loonies. it was 35 dollars.. And she told me to keep it.. she said " I brought it in for phone money, but I have a phone card anyway so just keep it for helping me out, I appreciate it Neil"
I put them in my pocket... and we sat and talked for a while longer..
We both went to bed, and before she left, she kissed me off the camera.. and she kept walking to her room.. and winked at me before she turned into her room..
A million thoughts went through my head.. "If we both got clean, Halifax isn't very far.. we could see each other, and both stay clean" ... Then I thought " She doesn't want anything to do with a 16 year old kid... she just wants a friend while she's here.. and she's flirting with me just for something to do, because she knows I like her"
I ended up reading a bit, then went to bed.. I slept right through, and woke up for breakfast at 8..
-End of part 1.. Part 2 is coming tomorrow.
Thanks for reading!
-Neil
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