Slipping into the abyss..

Can you imagine waking up.. and the first thing on your mind is how you're going to get your prescription pills today? How you're going to get a drug.. because it makes you so sick, you need it.
You crave it.. and in a way.. you grow to love it..

It's almost like a cruel mistress.. it's like you're cheating on your loved one.. it's the girl you sneak off to see.. it's that temptress that keeps you awake at night.. all of your thoughts are directed towards it..

Most nights before I'd go to sleep.. I'd crush up a pill on a plate.. make it into a few lines..and keep it under my bed... so when I woke up in the morning.. I didn't have to worry.. It's a fucked up place to be; When nothing in your life matters at all except this drug. It was my sense of purpose.. my hope, my guiding light.. As long as I had this.. everything would be alright.

It's not real.. it's a false sense of hope.. and a perverted view of reality.. drugs are a poison.. a chemical you end up relying on.. just to make it through the day.. Fuck that..

- It was a sad day in my family.. my grandmother had fallen, and was pretty bruised up.. she was in a lot of pain.. and her back was hurting..

I went to visit her when she got out of the hospital.. and she seemed a little loopy.. my aunt was there, who is a nurse.. and said the doctor had put her on a new prescription.. called Dilaudid..
My heart stopped beating.. everything got quiet..

They gave her the drug I was in love with? They gave her 120 2mg pills for a month, and she was only taking 1 or 2 a day..
I had drugs this first day.. so I didn't take any.. but the next morning when I woke up.. I was sick.. I needed something..

I went to visit her, and she had just taken her pill... She asked me to get her medication ready, in the Monday through Sunday containers.. I used to do this for her all the time.. and no one in my family knew I was using drugs.. so this wasn't a big deal to them..

I remember she was falling asleep in the kitchen.. and I was in the pantry doing up her medications.. I was no more than 5 feet away from her.. and she could have seen what I was doing if she looked.. But this woman loved me.. and trusted me.. I did so much for her... she never expected that I would be a selfish ungrateful asshole who would steal from her.. Like some low life scum bag..

But those thoughts didn't go trough my head at all..

As soon as I opened the pill bottle of dilaudid.. I could instantly smell them.. It turned my stomach.. I immediately felt sick... I had to run to the bathroom, and just made it through the door when I threw up...

I wrenched, and gagged.. I felt so horrible.. I was shaking, and had a headache.. this drug was powerful.. and just the sight of it, the smell, and the thoughts of having it made me even sicker..

I washed my face, and brushed my teeth.. and went back downstairs.. She was asleep.. so I took 6 of the 2 mg pills.. and snuck back to the bathroom..

I crushed them, and snorted them.. And I instantly had relief.. I coughed and gagged a little.. because there's a lot more powder with the 2 mg size dilaudids.. These pills weigh at least 200mg's.. and only 2mg's of that is the actual drug.. the rest is just binder and filler.. So I had to snort almost 2 grams of powder..

I felt so much better though... but I had to try to stop myself from throwing up and wasting the drug.. I had to open the window, and stick my head by the screen.. and breath the fresh air.. it took about 5 minutes... then the warmth came, and I felt better... Everything was right again.. life could go on and I could act like a normal person.. And not be consumed by the thoughts in the back of my head.. The craving.. the beast.. was killed for the time being..

But it's just like a car... eventually the gas runs out.. and you need to fill it up again.. or you're stuck on the side of the road...

I went back downstairs.. and finished doing up her pills.. I put them back into the medicine cabinet.. but not before slipping 6 more into my pocket..

I woke my nan up.. she was doing better at this point.. she asked me to put her eye drops in..
I did, then she asked me to grab her purse... I did... And she gave me 20 dollars..

I put her purse back.. and she told me how much she loved me.. and how me coming over to help her made such a big difference in her life.. she hugged me.. and she's never hugged me as hard as she did that day.. This women loved me to death.. she would do anything in the world for me.. She relied on me.. trusted me. I breached this trust.. and eventually I hurt her.. It kills me to think about..

While I'm writing this, and thinking back to what I did... I have a lump in my throat.. and tears in my eyes that are right now running down my cheeks.. At that time I didn't feel bad.. I was high, and didn't feel any guilt, or shame.. if only I could go back, and stop myself from doing these things.. to stop hurting my family..

You only have so much time with them, and then it's too late.. Things you wish you could say, and stuff you wish you could do don't matter anymore.. you can't change them..
So live for today, don't waste a moment.. especially on drugs.. I would give anything to go back and change my life.. to be there for my family, and never hurt them.. But I can't.. and it kills me to think about.

Cherish the time you have with your loved ones, and don't waste it on anything.. life is way too short..

Thanks for reading.. I'll post something else later today..

-Neil.