Guilt And Shame (Part 2)

I wrote these on my laptop, it always messes up, so some of it might have extra spaces, but you'll get the idea.

- I woke up Saturday morning, and reached under my bed... I was already starting to get sick... but it wasn't that bad at this point, but if I gave it another hour, or maybe 2... I would have been a lot worse..

I had rigged up a pen tube with cotton, then a layer of electrical tape on the end I snort out of.. So it wouldn't hurt my nose as I snorted through it..

I finished the lines, then took 2 Xanax and 2 valium.. I went downstairs and made a coffee.. My parents were both up, they were extremely happy and cheerful that morning.. My brothers were doing great, and looked like they might get jobs.. My mom told me how proud she was of me, and gave me a huge kiss and a hug.

I felt so guilty, all the lies, all the stealing.. But the drug hit me.. And it took that guilt away and I didn't care anymore...

I went on the computer, and was talking to a guy about a party that night.. But I needed more money..

Now, I didn't want to use another one of my grandmothers checks, So I called the girl from the store to see if she was working, and then I could get more smokes off of her and sell them...

"ringgg, ringgg," I was getting nervous asking her to do this, her father answered, and I asked if she was home.. He told me she was gone with a friend for the weekend.. "

Fuck, What I was going to do now? .. It was going to have to be 1 more cheque..

I filled it out for 80 dollars.. And went and bought two bottles of the eye medication my grandmother always bought.. But this time, I bought the lower strength ones.. So I could take them back..

I got 40 dollars change back, and went to see Marcus.. I bought another 30 and walked home with the medication I bought from the store in my backpack.. As soon as I walked into my driveway my dad was in the shed.. He was working on something.. He said "Neil, the pharmacy called " My heard sunk... oh fuck, what was I going to do or say?? " they need your signature on the back of a cheque you took in for Nan" ..  He didn't know.. How didn't he know?

I went back over to the pharmacy.. And signed the back.. I also told them the medication I got was the wrong one, but my aunt is getting it for her in Amherst because it's cheaper, so I need to return these.. They rang them back through, and I heard the cash register ring, they handed me 40 dollars and I was on my way.. How did I get away with this? I was so lucky..

I went back home, and said to dad " Yeah it was the one from last week when I went for Nan.. Which I actually did.. He never thought twice about it.. He trusted me..

I had two cheques left, so I figured I'd get rid of them, and never do it again..

But I thought " I always go to food land, and maybe I should just go there this once..

I went, and made the check out for 100 dollars.. And I could write like her; so it didn't look fake or like someone else wrote it... I had a person I could sell food to for pills, so I spent about 60 dollars there, got to the cash and they gave me a little over 40 dollars in change.. I left the store, and I walked to another guy who sold pills. Let’s call him Lossa' ..

Lossa' gave me 10 4's for the 60 dollars’ worth of food.. And I left, and walked to see Marcus..

I bought one more 30 for a total of 2 that day.. Plus I had 10 4mg dilaudids, and lots of valium and Xanax left.

I went home, snorted the half of a 30 I had from before, and got into the bath... I smoked 4 or 5 smokes while I laid there... thinking about what I did... I was wondering if any of those stores would have called Nan..

I got out, shaved, did my hair.. And then called my Nan to ask how she was doing.. And to check if any stores called her asking her any questions.. They didn't, so I figured I got off free, no trouble for this kid.. I’m just too smart to get caught, to slick... ha-ha I'm actually glad that it finally blew up in my face..

So I took a 30mg pill, the 10 4mg pills and 7 of each valium and Xanax.. Me and my buddy went to the store and bought some pop.. Then called a cab to bring us a quart of rum.. We got it picked up at the Carleton.. An apartment complex in Springhill. We used to hang out in the lobby to roll joints and stuff, it was a common area.. We told him we'd meet him downstairs..

I saw the taxi come, and I went down... he said "you're not 19" and I said " I know, I'm picking it up for my dad, he's upstairs getting ready" "ok" said the cab driver, and sold it to me.. And I gave him a bit of a tip, and left..

We went and bought a pack of smokes for this party.. And we both split the 10 4mg pills, I gave him 4, and I took 6..

We also each took 2 valium and 2 Xanax..

We were at a party, having fun.. I gave a couple of valium and Xanax away to a guy I knew.. And drank my half of the quart... I was passing out, and blacking out.. I finally came too, and buddy gave me a line of coke, it sobered me right up, and I asked if he had any more.. He said he had over half a gram...

So I took out the 30 mg Dilaudid, and told him I'd split it with him, if he split the coke with me that night.. he said "I dunnoh man" I told him " I’ll give you 2 valium and 2 Xanax, which was all I had left " for the come down"

He agreed, and we did lines every 20 minutes or so, and drank his beer in between, my other buddy was there, but he was all messed up, passing out on the couch.. By this time, there wasn't many people there.. We finished the coke, and drank one last beer.. Then I told him to grab a plate.. I crushed up the 30, and did it into 4 lines, 2 for me, 2 for him... we talked for an hour about stupid shit that seemed very smart at the time, growing weed, making money, blah blah blah... we both started coming down, and felt like complete shit..

We both took our lines, and within 10 minutes, we both felt fine.. It was about 5 am.. So I went home, and went to bed..

I woke up in the afternoon with a bad hangover, plus the sickness creeping in.. I felt messed up, it was 4 in the afternoon.. I slept 12 hours.. I must have really been messed up, because I still don't remember exactly how I got home, because it was pretty far.. I don't remember going to bed, and it scared me, because I blacked out..

I went downstairs to the kitchen, and talked to mom and dad "wow, you really slept in " Yeah I know... I was up late at Billy’s house playing video games" my parents believe this because Billy-not his real name- Was a good kid. I couldn't just say I was with 2 other guys partying last night.. We already had the drinking talk, because I got caught once before.. And they were convinced I stopped drinking..

I went upstairs, took the rest of the valium I had left, which wasn't much.. A couple of pills, and a few Xanax too... And I crushed up my last 30 mg pill, and snorted that.. Then went to timhortons for a coffee.. I felt good, but I was broke, I had a few smokes, and 6 dollars left I think... I knew I was good for today.. But I was fucked for tomorrow..

But I did have the 1 cheque left... and I could get away with that... I'll do that tomorrow.. There’s no way I’ll get caught..

-End of part 2 of 3.