All week, heavy abuse..

This week was one of my worst for sure..

I got released, and still had a bunch of drugs.. I got some money this week, and just binged..

Same thing all day, get high, pass out, wake up, get high... A sad existence..

So I was home and it was almost Friday again.. I had my medication ready to go for the weekend, and I went to the hospital again. I got another prescription to xanax, and was excited about that..

I woke up Friday morning with a bang... Literally.. and also swallowed some xanax..

I got a shower, and made my way over town.. hung out with a few guys and used.. and also got some more ketamine in the mail..

I ordered a 1000mg vial (1 gram) and as soon as I saw it in the mail I took it home..
I poured it out on a cookie sheet, and turned it on the lowest heat...
It ended up evaporating, and turned into a few white clumps.. I took it out, and crushed it up fine... and put it in 10 wax paper flaps..

I took a small piece of cotton, and a needle full of water and put it into the empty vial... I shook it up, and sucked up the liquid.. There was still a very small amount of ketamine in it.

I took the mix and used it to cook up a dilaudid.. I got it all ready, then precoded to snort 2 flaps of ketamine... I waited until it kicked in, and I injected the dilaudid... I cleaned everything up after the rush... and went to my room..

I was in there tripping out, feeling a feeling I can't describe..
But I'll try..

I felt like I wasn't in my own body... like I was floating around the room.. seeing things, while I opened my eyes, and closed them..

I saw very spiritual things, and felt this power inside of me..
I was tripping out pretty hard, but I wasn't scared... I felt like I was spiraling through space at one point... my body and my mind were one, spinning, doing backflips, front flips and barrel rolls..

This ended after about an hour, maybe a little more..

When I came down, it was just the opiate high...

I was done for the rest of the day I told myself.. No more drugs..

I took a nap, and woke up around 6 and got a shower.. I had to go to the jail..

My mother dropped me off, and I felt fine... so I got out at tims, and got a coffee... when she left, I went to the pharmacy and filled my cards..

I went back over to the café , and went into the bathroom... and I took xanax, and crushed it, I knew how much one crushed pill would fit into a pen cap, so I knew I'd be fine with it.. I crushed 40 or more pills, and swallowed 10 for the buzz..
I wrapped them in serum wrap and as I was walking to the jail I put them deep under my tongue..

I walked in, and they passed me my kit bag...
I'm not sure if this was the time, or if it was one of the times before... but one of the guys that was coming in was drunk, and pulled out a bag full of pills for them, and they had them sitting on the counter... I knew what a few of them were, but I didn't say much..

They stripped me down fast, and wanted to get rid of me...
I got dressed and turned to go when I heard him say "Can you show me under your tongue?"
I swallowed them with the spit built up in my mouth..

I turned around, and let him see... "OK.. go up stairs" he said..

I was in panic mode, I had to get these out of my stomach, because they weren't wrapped tightly enough for that...

I got up there, and tried to make myself through up... It took for ever.. and I couldn't get much up... a little coffee I drank and the serum wrap itself... but they were empty... I kept trying to throw up, but I couldn't...

I thought to myself "I'll be OK, it's hard to OD on benzo's on their own" ... Problem was I had a lot of stuff built up from earlier in the day... I left it all at home... and was about to get my medication for the night, which was really a 30 mg dilaudid..

I laid down on my bed, and wasn't there for more than 10 minutes.... they were kicking in, and I was feeling crazy... that's all I can say, because I only remember a few things after this...

I was setting up a game of risk that we were playing the weekend before... I sat there and made sure EVERY piece was in it's right place, and there was at least 200 tiny little pieces... sitting on the edge of an empty bed... someone walked past, and bumped into it, and all the pieces fell....

And for some reason.... I snapped..

I threw the board. and pieces... the guards had been keeping an eye on me (one of them told me they notices I was acting very strange) ... they came right up, and asked me to come with them... I yelled and screamed and told them I wasn't going, and they could go **** themselves...

Needless to say they grabbed me and pulled me into the solitary confinement cell..

I was yelling and screaming at them like an idiot...
They said they were going to take my mattress, and I threw it through the bars and yelled something crazy like "here, have it, I don't need the god damn thing" only with other worse langauge mixed in..

they handcuffed me, and I don't remember much of the struggle... I think I had shakkles and handcuffs on woven together so I couldn't move...

They came up to me, and I thought it was the next morning... but it was lattttte in the after noon... I passed out, and had square marks all over me from the bed frame I slept on...

I asked them If I could have my medication... and of course they said no..

they asked what I took, and I told them a few Valium and a few beer... or something stupid like that..

They took me outside, with shackles and handcuffs on... I apologized... a lot of times, and said how sorry I was for acting like that... I was a MESS....

I came back in.... ate something, and slept till Sunday... I was sick by this point because of my opiate withdrawal..

I asked them for my medication, and they said "Well, we can't give you the xanax right now, but we can give you the effexxor.... "Yeah, that's fine" ...

I crushed it up, and slept till I was able to be released the next morning..

I got a shower before I left...this was early Monday morning... The last shower I had was friday at 6ish?


I left... embarrassed... they gave me my wallet, my medication card... and suggested I get some help.... I told them I just mixed drinking with my pills and I wasn't supposed to" which they knew was bogus..

I left... ashamed of myself...