back home, back to work..

I was back home at this point, and I was working again at a call center...
I was still up to my old tricks, pretending I was clean, yet using daily.

Work became sort of a distraction, I didn't care about it... but I couldn't do my job unless I was high. I couldn't do anything really.. I was brainless without it..
So it was the same routine, getting paid, and trying to make my money last me long enough to get through till the next payday.

I would buy drugs in quantity, this way they would be cheaper.. but finding a source was proving to be harder and harder each pay day..
I would usually buy them from older people I knew who were prescribed them.
This way, I had a steady source once a month, and the prices were always lower, because they didn't know what they were worth.

I would mainly buy off of people who were on assistance, or had a very tight budget..
When they would have a prescription of 150+ 8mg pills, and they only took 1 or 2 a day; The prospect of fast, quick money was always a welcome invitation to their home.

I got a 500 dollar pay deposited into my account. I went straight to an older woman I knew in Amherst.. but not before making a stop at the bank.
I knocked on her door, and she welcomed me in with a smile on her face.. It was almost like going to visit my an older relative, she always seemed happy to see me.. but she was even happier when I pulled out my wallet.
the sad thing was, I was equally as happy when she'd pull out her prescription bottle.

She was prescribed 24mg hydromorphone contin, she would get 60 a month.. She needed the medication, so she wouldn't sell me all of them. I mentioned one day she should ask her doctor to prescribe her 12mg capsules instead of 24mg ones. That way she would get 120 instead of 60 each month.

I walked in there that day, and she told me that's exactly what she did.. She pulled out her bottle and a calculator and asked me how many I wanted. The price for a 24mg capsule from her was 6 dollars... So I was only paying 3 dollars for each 12mg capsule. She took 1, or something 2 a day herself.. so she ended up selling me 80 of them. that way she had at least 1 a day, and a few extra for the days her pain got too bad.

I handed her 240 dollars and started to leave.. before I left, she told me "I've got another bottle from 6 months ago laying around.. do you wanna check them out and see if you want them?"

She showed me a bottle of 4mg dilaudid tablets... Which was the same drug, only in instant release form.
I looked at the bottle, it said 180 tablets on it, but the bottle was about half full. I told her I would give her 60 more dollars for the whole bottle, and she agreed.. I left, with a smile on my face.

Each time I would make a score like this, I felt like I had won the lottery.. I still had 200 dollars left, and I had more than enough drugs to make it through till the next pay day.
The problem with getting more drugs in your possession, is your habit also grows.. It doesn't matter if you're used to taking two 12mg pills a day... If you have more than that, you'll do more than that.

I could have spaced all of these pills out to last me well over a month.. I can't remember the exact number of 4mg pills I got, but I know it was close to 100.
Normally, a 12mg capsule is roughly 15-20 dollars... and a 4mg tablet is anywhere from $8.00-$10.00..
I was getting these pills at wholesale prices, and she wasn't the only person I had selling to me..

This went on for quite a while.. I would stop over on the same day each and every month..
I showed up one day, and she told me she was going for surgery.. She sold me the normal ammount of drugs, and then I never saw her again. She went into surgery, and stayed in the hospital for a longgg time. I remember calling her house a few times months later and not getting an answer..
I heard she was in a home, or passed away, no one seems to know for sure.. and I don't feel like asking.

This one night at work, I couldn't get anything.. I didn't have a pill that entire day, and it was around 7:00pm.
I was supposed to work until 11, but I was feeling sicker and sicker each minute..
I had no money, and no way to get it.. I was getting worried..

I told my boss I was sick, and I had to go home.. The problem with this, was I had no drive, so I had to wait until 11 when my drive got off.

But the only reason I wanted to leave, was so I could make some money..
I went to one of the main malls they had there.. I found a bag in the parking lot.. and put it in my pocket.
I then went in, and browsed the mens section... I found a 65.00 work sweater, and put it in the bag. I then went to the return desk to return it..

They asked for the receipt, but I didn't have it.. so they just gave me a gift card with over $70.00on it..
This was too easy..
I then went to another mall, and did the same thing with something that was $45.00..
Then I went to the front of the store, and sold it for 30 dollars.. it was quick, and easy.

It was getting close to when all the stores were closing, so I went to a grocery store.. I took 2 expensive coffee containers, and returned them, for a gift card worth another 40+ dollars.

I ended up making over 100 dollars in gift cards, and 30 dollars in cash in less than an hour.. the craving was bursting.. I needed something..fast..

I went back to work, and had a smoke outside... I then had an idea. I would put a 20 dollars bill in the change machine, then I would collect the change, and tell them no money came out.
I did this, and had another 20 dollars in about 5 minutes..

I told my drive I didn't need him to take me home, and I called a cab... I couldn't even wait another hour... every time I thought about using, I would gag.. and my stomach would turn.. I "needed" this.
I felt like I would die without it... as crazy as that sounds, the only thing I was focused on was obtaining this drug. I used every bit of my mind to focus on how to make money, get the drug, lie to hide it.. It was a full time job in itself, and a stressful one at that.

It consumed me... It was everything..

I got dropped off just by Marcus's house. I traded the gift cards for half the face value, and spent the rest of the money on them too..
Walking out.. the same girl I met who injected asked me for an 8mg pill... I told her no at first, but she ended up convincing me that she would help me out someday if I didn't have a pill.. Addicts have a funny way of convincing anyone for drugs or money.. There's always an angle, always a way to do it.. it's like picking a lock, there's keywords and a right combination of things to say in order to get what you want..

It turned out I was sick one day, and this girl had drugs. I asked her and she basically told me to f%$# off.. Funny how favors get forgotten in the drug sub-culture.. it's all about what YOU can do for ME.. not what I can do for YOU..

anyway... I started walking home, which was about 15 minutes a way... every step I took I felt the nausea coming... like a wave of water crashing over me.. drowning me.. salt water pouring down my throat..
I was about 5 minutes from home, and I just couldn't help myself... in front of a group of people, I was sick... throwing up.. violently.. Wearing dress pants, leather shoes, and a nice shirt from work...
I was leaning against a power-poll throwing up and gagging for over 15 minutes..

The disease of addiction is a violent one.. it poisons every aspect of you.. I'm so glad to be so far removed from it, and I hope I can help even one person overcome their demons in my life time. It'll all be worth it if I can prevent another person, and their family from going through what me, and my family went through..

I walked in the door, everyone was in bed.. I crushed the pills up and snorted them.. I laid back gagging.. for over 5 minutes, holding it in.. until the drugs kicked in.. as soon as they did, it was instant relief.. no more pain, no more feeling sick... I was finally content.

-Neil

(Now, you need to realize... this was ONE day..... one little day out of my life, out of over 5 years of addiction.. the stories I have built up are in the thousands.. everyday was a new story, a new chapter.. this drug is a pure poison if misused.. something needs to be done to control and curb drug addiction... Thanks for reading!)