Next step..

It's hard to chose where to go from here...

I have so many stories.. I've done so much stuff.. So where do I go?

I've taken a couple days off to reply to emails... I've been reviving a lot from many different people, and I'm doing my best to give advice and support through their hard times.

I Feel like explaining how addiction grows... It's like a cancer cell... spreading and consuming, until there's nothing left but black, empty death... Addiction takes from you, addiction steals from you..
You waste your life... your chances in life... you're aimless, and you're blindly fallowing where this drug takes you... You do anything to feed it.. it's always in your mind.. the only time you get relief is when you get high..

That's why the best prevention is to just never start... an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.. Or in this example a tonne..

That being said, it's not to late to get help once you're addicted... there are many great councilors out there.. there's people willing to help you. You just need to take the first step and reach out.

I think back on my old life, and I can't even believe I did what I did.... It seems so surreal, like it wasn't me.. and I was just watching it. The problem is, I did do these things, and I can't take them back... if I could, I certainly would..

I was 17 at this time... and I may jump back and forth a little bit in my next few blogs.. but this is an important story, and it's the first time I got arrested and put in jail..

This is probably the first time a lot of people have heard the true story about this, but it's important to explain it..

I was 17... My life was OK at this point... I had a girl I liked, I had a lot of friends.. but I was hiding this addiction I had..

I was suspended from school, and I was sitting at home.. I woke up, and there was nothing left for me to sell, or to take... I was craving a pill, and feeling sick..

I went to a guy I know, and I borrowed 3 8mg dilaudids; and I got 8 Valium 10mg pills as well..
I took the Valium as soon as I left.. and then I went home..
As soon as I walked through the door, I locked it.. and went into the kitchen.. I crushed the 3 pills and snorted them in under a minute.. I was quick and fast at it now from all of the experience I had.

I sat down on the computer.. and realized I would probably need more money... I was getting pretty high from the mixture, so I walked to an older mans house I knew..
I helped him out, and he would give me money here and there... at first, I was going to ask him to borrow some money... He was pretty upset that day.. He would shake a lot from Parkinsons.. in the middle of the night, he had a bad dream, and knocked his side table over...

He asked me to clean it up for him.... so I did... I tipped it back up, and started putting things back into the side table.. when I was grabbing papers and stuff.... Something caught my eye...
A shiny little pistol... without thinking, I grabbed it and put it in my pocket..

I wouldn't have done this if I was only on the opiates I think... but whenever I took benzo's I would do stupid stuff... I swear, 99% of the time I did anything bad, I was under the influence of either Valium, Ativan, Xanax or Klonopin..  They're a powerful drug... some people call them a "dry drunk" .. but it's worse then that.. you lose your ability to think about a situation..

Anyway, the deed was done... I left pretty quick after putting it in my pocket... I knew a guy who I could sell this gun to.. so I walked to meet him..

I walked up by the school, but not close enough to be on the property.. but I saw someone I knew, so I asked them if they knew where this guy named Matt was... They told me he was outside smoking I think... and someone grabbed him for me...

We went for a walk, and I told him I had it... I told him I would sell it to him for 100 dollars.. and he said yes.. just then, he saw a guy he knew.. he picked us up, and drove us in town..

I was supposed to meet a few of my friends, then I was leaving to meet up with the girl I liked.. she was coming over at lunch time to see me... which I was excited about..

.. Anyway, Me and Matt were walking and talking, he wanted me to show it to him... so we agreed we would go behind the "green building" .. a place kids in town used to smoke weed and drink behind..

We started walking towards it... we were cutting through the bank parking lot, and I looked behind me... I could see the 3 friends I was supposed to meet sitting on the wall of a convenience store.. They waved to me, and I put 1 finger up to tell them I'd only be a minute... when I was looking that way, I saw a police car speed to the end of the road... then it was followed by another police car...

My heart dropped.... I started walking faster... but they sped up, they pulled into the bank parking lot and jumped out as fast as they could and told me to stop..

One cop grabbed me, and told me to put my hands on the car... he patted me down.. at first, he missed it.. but he shoved me into the car a little, and we both heard the "Clink!" sound it made... he grabbed it.. passed it to his partner.. and put the cuffs on me..

At the same time, they were checking Matt... Who was also being patted down and handcuffed...

I was sitting in the back seat.. and I heard them Un-chamber a round and empty the clip... I could hear the brass bullets hitting each other... and I instantly thought my life was over...