Another trip.. part 2.

I remember when supper came... I still didn't feel like eating...

My stomach felt so weird.. I was forcing myself to throw up the medication they were giving me, because I wanted to get high for the first few days..

I went to the bathroom as soon as the meal trays were brought out, and snorted some pills.. I also took some clonazapam, I'm not sure how much.. not as much as the night before.. but enough to make me feel tipsy..
I went into the dinning room.. grabbing my tray off the cart before I went in.. I set next to Alvin and another old guy.. He was sick..

He was shaking.. violently.. and was spilling his coffee when he'd take a sip..
I asked him what his d.o.c was (drug of choice) and he told me alcohol and Valium.
I asked him why he didn't just go to the nurse if he was feeling that bad.. and he told me he did, but the medication was barley helping him..

I thought about giving him something... I really did.. I know if I had of pulled out some clonazapam he would have been happy, and felt better.. but then I started to weigh my decision out..
If I gave this man some more pills, would I be the one responsible for ruining this mans life? Would he leave to go get more tomorrow.. or would it help him?
'I could give him 3 tonight" I thought.. 'then give him 2 tomorrow, and 1 the next day"
I realized I'm not a nurse, I'm not a drug pusher.. I can't do this.. even though he seems to be suffering..

One look around the room, and I could tell I was the only one who wasn't in pain.. who wasn't feeling sick, depressed or distraught.. I was lucky, or so I thought. But I wasn't facing my demons yet..

I poked around at my plate for a while, then put it back on the cart.. My stomach wasn't having it..

I went to the nurses station, and asked for some nicotine gum, and some ensure.. once they gave it to me, I went and laid down.. I drank the ensure, and grabbed my Walkman.. I took a burnt CD out of the case and slipped it in. I sat there thinking.... thinking about what I had become, who I was.. and why I was doing the things I was doing.. I wasn't here for me.. I was here to please other people... Maybe this is the time to quit.
I told myself I would flush all of my pills away tomorrow, and focus on getting better..

I went to sleep, and didn't wake up until after breakfast the next morning..

I swear, as soon as I opened my eyes, the demon was awoken.. I thought about what I said the night before... that wasn't happening.. I woke up sick.. again... I was getting to a point in my addiction where I was getting scared.. My tolerance was growing everyday, and I wasn't getting high like I used to... it would basically just take away the sickness..

I remember I did A LOT of drugs that morning.. I told myself I was getting really high, I didn't care anymore..
I needed this, this was who I was... what I had become.. what I loved and what I wanted..
Imagine being told you have to stay away from the person you love.. your boyfriend, girlfriend.. your wife, your husband.. your child..

It's heart-wrenching.. and you would do anything to stop it.. Well that's what addiction is... it's your partner in life, your companion.. I didn't want to live without it.. 

At the time, this was EXACTLY what was going through my mind... I convinced myself I couldn't go on without this drug... it made me better, wiser, cooler... everything I wanted to be.. No one was going to take that away from me. I just needed to find a way to keep doing it, while not hurting as many people, and not committing any crimes.. I figured I'd found out the golden ticket.. I just needed to put the plan into action..

I got high that day... Really high.. I can't even remember the amount of drugs I did.. but I felt great, and it substantiated my new idea, thoughts and morals.

I skipped breakfast, but kept my coffee... I drank 4 or 5 of them that morning... They had us go to a program room, and sit and talk with other addicts.. some from the community and some from the detox..There was one guy I knew quite well there... We talked, and I told him how high I was, and that I just couldn't stop.. even in detox.. that's when he told me he was high too..   He told me he was injecting now though, and that snorting or swallowing the drugs was the biggest waste in the world..

I told him I tried it once, and I would rather snort it.. I didn't tell him I couldn't do it, and I missed and my foot swelled up.. but who needed the little details anyway?

I went back to my room, and it was getting later in the evening, supper already came, and I ate that like I was starving.. as well as someone else's who didn't want theirs..

I was sitting at the end of the hall, when one guy came up to me and told me that he was leaving to get smokes... He tested the fire escape door, he pulled a wire out of it so the alarm wouldn't go off.. he asked me where the nearest store was, and I told him... he told me to "keep six" or to watch his back.. he left and stood in the window.. I gave him the thumbs up.. and he left..

I thought this was hilarious.. I watched out the window as he ran to the store... He couldn't go without his smokes.. he just couldn't.. And the fact is.. when you're trying to quit.. it's hard to stop smoking too..

I sat there for a while, and waited, and waited.. At one point, I didn't even think he was coming back.. it was getting really dark.. then I saw a dark figure walking towards the back door.. I saw him go in, and then he snuck up the stairs... he looked through the window of the fire escape.. and it took a minute.. but I let him know when the coast was clear..  He came in, and went straight to his room... I waited there for a few minutes.. then he called me in.

He game me a pack of smokes and a book of matches for watching out for him..
I went to the bathroom right away, had a shower, snorted some pills and smoked two cigarettes.. they gave me a huge head rush, and I went back to my room..

The rest of the week was pretty much the same, I got to know a lot of the people, and I got high the entire time, not focusing on my recovery one bit..

I only had a few days left until I was "Clean" and I was pretty happy that my parents would be pleased..
I was sitting in the living room, when this girl.. who I talked to a lot.. said something rude to me.. I remember saying "You don't have to be so rude about it" and then she flew off the handle, screaming at me.. and I remember saying "Fuck off you psycho" to her.. and then she took off to her room, crying..

Everyone looked at me like "what just happened" a few people said "Wow, she really got mad at you over nothing" .. "I know" I said..

It wasn't even 10 minutes later, one of the staff came in the room the get me.. "Neil, Can we talk for a minute"  "Sure" .. I knew what it was about, but I figured as long as I told the truth, I wouldn't get in any trouble.. he asked me what happened. I told him, and then he left for a few minutes, and came back...
"Neil, We've decided you're going to have to leave again"
I was furious... "What are you talking about? I didn't even do anything?"
"Well, she said that you came out of no where and told her to fuck off, and then called her a bitch"

"That's not true" I said.. "That doesn't even make sense!" why would I just randomly yell at a girl?"
.. "You've also been disruptive, and you've been bugging the staff" .. which was true in a way, I asked for a lot.. ensure when I couldn't eat, sleeping pills at night.. but I didn't figure they thought I was that bad..

"You're making a mistake" I said.. "Look at the cameras, or ask anyone else that was there... She was the one who went crazy" "It's too late Neil, We've made out decision"
I remember getting really mad, I told them how shitty this place was, and how fucked up the program was.. I was extremely rude, but I was mad... This wasn't fair, at least in this one situation, I just wanted her to get out of my face... she swore at me way worse, over nothing.. I thought to myself..

"Have a seat down the hall in the program room, I'll get your stuff and you can sign out"
"Can't I just grab my own stuff and fucking leave?"

He left, after we had some words.. and I sat in there... "Fuck this" I thought.. I'm leaving"..
I grabbed a spoon, a straw, and a plate from the room.. I was starting to walk out the door, when two of the staff came back with my stuff... "Sign this paper, and you're free to go"
"You run this like a jail" I said... and a few other rude things..
They also found my smokes, and they were pissed about it... I told them I found them in my dresser, so I kept them. I said "I didn't even smoke one"

I grabbed my stuff, signed the paper and walked out.. furious at this moment..
They didn't call my parents or anything, so I just went to a guys house who I knew.. I got really high, and gave him some pills, then went home.

I tried to explain to my parents what happened, but they weren't having it.. they were so upset with me, they just wanted me to be better.. I told them I was clean the whole time, and that I was only a day or two short of leaving anyway.. I convinced them that this was OK, that it wasn't going to stop me from being clean... it was over...

I wish that was true, but my plan was just starting..


(with all this being said, I assure you all, the staff at that detox were very nice, professional, and caring.. I'm just writing my experience AT THE TIME.. and how I was feeling. This is not a fair representation of them, as I've had a few great experiences there, where I actually learned and grew.. everyone of the staff members there were very caring, and would offer you help when you needed it, or would just sit and listen if you had a problem.. I don't want this to sound like they're bad at all.. because they're not.. They just have to try to make the right decisions with the information they have.. so if it sounds like I'm speaking bad of any of them, I promise you I'm not)