next few months..

The next few months are basically the same..

I used drugs, lied, and did whatever I could to get them..

I always found a way, and always seemed to find them each day.. It was almost too easy for me..
I was rarely sick, so I didn't need to do anything desperate.. but all "good things" come to an end..
Sources run out, people stop lending you money or drugs.. and you burn all of your bridges..

I was seeing a drug councilor in springhill, my mother called and made my appointments.. and I would talk about how things were going..
I don't think there was one day I was honest with him.. I lied, and didn't want anyone knowing my secrets..
I told him I was clean, I was doing well.. blah blah blah..

I remember one day she had me doing up invitations.. licking stamps, putting the papers in envelopes, and sealing them..
I think I did close to 100 of them..

When I was done, I went to talk to her, and I was starting to get pretty sick..
I had no money, and didn't use yet that day.. I was getting pretty desperate..

I remember telling her I needed 20 dollars to pay back a debt.. I had her believing me that things were messed up and I really needed it.. I swore I would never tell another person if she gave me 20 dollars.. and I didn't until today..

She could have lost her job, but she was worried about me.. and worried I might get hurt if I didn't pay this person back.. She reached into her purse and handed me 20 dollars.. I thanked her and left in a hurry..

I ran to go see Marcus'.. once I got there he was asking me about the 100 dollars I owed him at the time.. I told him I'd have it for him, but I needed to buy a pill today because I was sick..
He heard this excuse many times before..
He threatened to keep the money and not give me anything...
I remember asking and pretty much begging for him to give me a 12mg pill..

I left his house with the pill in my hand.. and walked into my house.. Mom was there, and asked how my meeting went.. I lied about how helpful it was, and how it was really making a difference..
I grabbed a pudding, and made a sandwich fast and put it on a plate..

I ran to my room, and threw the sandwich out, and poured the beads onto the plate and started crushing..
I pushed the spoon too close to the edge of the plate, and spilled half the beads onto my dresser.. I picked up every single bead.. it took me 15 minutes or more, but I didn't miss a bead.. I was relentless..

When it happened, I almost started crying.. This was the mossssst important thing in my life at that moment.. And nothing would stop be from getting it into me..

I snorted it, and instantly felt relieved..  I licked the plate and spoon, and then laid down in my bed..
I waited a few minutes, with my eyes closed.. and then lit a smoke.. I kept my eyes closed the whole time, flicking the ashes to the floor.. I only cared about this feeling that was coming..

It starts in your chest.. you feel the drug pulsate through your body.. carried through your veins.. your stomach and bowels tighten.. your stomach makes weird noises.. it's instant relief from withdrawal..
You go from having flu like symptoms, to immediate gratification..
It's hard to describe to people who have never tried it.

It effects your body, and your mind... You have anxiety, stress, worries and guilt.. and it's quickly erased and filled with positive thoughts and a positive outlook. I would get high and my life would seem OK.. I had it all under control.. I would lie about how well I was doing, and wanted other people to be happy and feel as good as I did.. I lied to my parents about my marks, about stuff at work, about being clean.. I couldn't let them find out my real life.. and how out of control it was.

I knew it was out of control when I was sober.. but it was like my body was taken over.. you need to get high.. you need this drug... and you'll do anything to get it..
You destroy everything in your path.. you kill relationships, trust, love and passion.. you're devoted to this drug.. you're a slave to it..

I did things I would never think of doing.. Things I told myself I would never do..

I came downstairs... and talked to mom, and lied to her, told her how much progress I was making with my meetings, and how well school was going..

She didn't leave the room for 10 seconds, when I slipped my hand into her purse and pulled out her bank card.. I made some excuse to leave, and took out 40 dollars.. I went, bought two more pills, and came back.. As soon as she left the room, I slipped it back into her purse..

Writing this hurts me... it's hard to talk about, hard to think about.. The hell I put my family and friends through.. but it's the truth.. it needs to come out. I need to give insight to how powerful addiction is, and to what lengths people will go to get their drug..

I woke up the next morning, and skipped school..

I got high, and went on the computer..

I was posting on a drug message board all the time.. offering advice, and answering peoples questions. I had thousands of posts, and was pretty well respected on this forum.. everyone knew my name, and looked forward to my answers..

People often asked me to send them drugs.. and I refused.. but then I got a "great idea" .. I saved all my empty capsules, and took a picture of them.. plus some of the other drugs I ended up having..
I posted a picture of hundreds of pills, most of them empty.. but it got quite a stir, and people started asking me to send them some.

I got the "Brilliant" Idea I could rip these people off to support my own habit.. and I did..
I made a few thousand dollars within 3 weeks.. and spent it as fast as I got it..

I'll explain it it more detail tomorrow.

Thanks for reading guys..