Handful of happiness..

What keeps you going each day? Your children? your job? prospects of a better future?
What makes you get up each day with a smile?

For me, it used to be knowing I was getting high that day.. nothing else was important. I didn't care if I had a girl friend, I didn't care if my marks were good.. I hated working..
The only thing that got me out of bed everyday was knowing I had a stash of pills somewhere on me..


.. It was a sad and bleak life.. Everything revolved around getting high..


I woke up for school.. with a smile on my face.. I had a baggie full of pills, and had a handful more coming that morning.. I couldn't wait..

I got up, and got a bath and brushed my teeth in about 10 minutes.. Then I was out the door, on my way to school..
I got there pretty early.. there wasn't many people around..
A few people came up to me to say hi.. and I brushed them off, I told them I would be right back..
I went to the bathroom, and started crushing pills..

I can't remember how many I did that day, but I know it was a lot...
The more I had, the more I did.. I was finding it harder and harder to hold onto them..
Before, if I only had 3 pills.. I could do one a day..

That quickly turned into me doing all three, and being sick the next day...

I remember snorting one line.. then someone came into the bathroom... he was quickly followed by one of his friends.. They sat there and talked for what seemed like hours.. I just wanted them to leave so I could snort the rest of my pills.. They were holding me up..

They just sat there talking.. I decided I didn't care, so I flushed the toilet, and started snorting.. hoping they couldn't hear me.. I was gagging by the end of it..

I sat there after I was done.. And ran my finger along where the lines were, then licked the powder off..
I loved the taste.. At first it was disgusting, but my body grew to love it.. it tasted like Tylenol, but to me, it was like powdered candy..

They were still there after about 5 minutes of me sitting there waiting..
I had to meet someone, so I just said fuck it and walked out.. they both stopped talking and looked at me..
I remember thinking to myself "fuck off you stupid little pricks"

I got to the sink, and started to wash my hands.. That's when I looked in the mirror..
I had powder all over my nose, and down my lip..
They saw it.. and I panicked.. I wiped it off with my wet hands, and then dried them..

I walked out of that bathroom without saying a word..
I was so scared they would tell someone, and word would get out.. my mom worked at the school.. this couldn't happen..

I went out to the hallway.. and met up with a few of my friends.. they asked me if I wanted to smoke a joint with them.. I told them I'd catch up with them.. I waited at the first floor lobby, and watched as these two kids walked out.. I started to walk up to them, to confront them.. when I started to feel the effects of the drugs.. I turned around, without them seeing me.. and walked out the front doors..

I can't confront these two kids.. what am I gonna say to them? Am I going to threaten them to not say anything? obviously not.. I wasn't a tough kid.. I didn't like confrontation.. I just figured I'd let it go.. if they said anything I'd probably be able to lie my way out of it..

I crossed the street, and lit up a cigarette.. I was getting really high at this point.. I remember feeling so good, and I suddenly didn't care about those kids.. I didn't care about anything.. Nothing was going to stop me from feeling like this.. it was important to me.. and it was my main goal in life.. Maintaing this feeling..

While I was smoking, one of the guys I was talking to the day before came up to me..
"hey Neil, listen.. I couldn't get 20 of those pills, but I did get you 10.. I'll give you the other 10 tomorrow"
I said to him " It's not me you owe them too, it's the guy I got the weed from.. I'll tell him, but he won't be happy.. "

That's when he said to me "You're high right now, are you sure they're not for you?"

.. Fuck I thought.. What was I going to say now.. did everyone know? Could everyone tell?

"Yeah, he gave me one yesterday and I just did it to try it out.. I don't see why people even like these.. Anyway, they're not for me, I'll give him these and tell him the rest are coming tomorrow.. just don't fuck me over, because I'm the one who's name is on the line"

.. He left.. and I sat there for a minute.. finishing my smoke.. I remember starting to get worried about people knowing what I was doing.. Then I thought, the only reason he knows is because he gave them to me yesterday, no one else can tell" So that was that...
You could have told me live at 5 was going to go on air and say I was on drugs.. and I would have rationalized it wasn't a big deal.. Drugs effect the way you see things, the effect your morality.. right from wrong.. They seem to get mixed up.. you just stop caring..

I went back inside, and was talking to a girl I know.. I wasn't nervous, I was more out going... I had an answer for everything, I could make people laugh.. it seemed like people liked me more when I was high..
I liked myself more when I was high.. and that's what scared me..

I felt like all of the outgoing people I knew.. the ones who were friends with everyone.. the guys who could talk to any girl felt like I feel when I'm high. I felt like I was missing something, so I basically considered it self medicating.. Why change a thing now? I was happy.. and that's all that mattered.. As long as I didn't steal, or hurt anyone else.. I should just keep doing what I'm doing.. it's not like it matters..

So that was that.. I convinced myself that getting high was the best way to deal with any of my problems..
I would get high for school, for dates or before going to a party..
I would get high in the morning, at night, on the weekends, on week days..

I rarely went a day without drugs.. I ALWAYS found a way to get them. I would con, lie, steal and manipulate people into giving me what I wanted..  That's all my life became.. One big series of lies to help the other lie out.. to get what I needed... what I wanted.. And for quite a while, it worked out great for me..