Around and around..

I'm stuck in this wheel, climbing the spokes to the top, just to be thrown back down again..
It was the same thing over and over..

The behaviour of me sneaking pills while on a taper down program continued for the next week, until I finally ran out..

And as I ran out, so did my codeine and Valium.. The whole Idea of this is an out-patient detox..
Each day my dose is lowered until finally I'm off opiates, and clean and sober..

If I had of actually stuck to it, this plan might have worked.. but I wasted everyones time and tricked everyone into thinking I was better..

I was out of drugs, and money once again.. and I was getting desperate..
I woke up in the morning, when everyone was gone to school and work, and my mother was still in bed..
I slipped my shoes on, and quietly left the house..

I ran to go see Marcus' .. I had him all paid back, and I figured he wouldn't mind fronting me some pills..
I got there, and knocked on the door.. and there was no answer.. "Fuck.. This is the only time I can even get here.. and I'll probably get caught coming back home anyway.." I thought to myself..

So I just opened the door and walked in.. Marcus was passed out on the couch, I yelled his name a few times, and woke him up.. he was a little angry with me, and asked me "What the fuck do you want"
"I'm sick" I said.. One of my famous lines.. I need to borrow a few pills till Tuesday when I get paid"
"Ohh you're working again are ya?" "Yeah, but I'm late.. I just couldn't go to work sick.."

"Well What do you need" He asked.. "Give me 4 24's until Tuesday, and I'll give you 140 dollars?
"You better have it " he said..

He passed me the gray capsules.. and a wave of sickness came over me.. I almost threw up right in his house..
"Can I use your bathroom?" "Make it quick!" he said. and rolled back over on the couch.. I reached into his cupboard, and pulled out a spoon.. I brought everything else with me...

I crushed one of the pills as fast as I could.. While my stomach was churning.. I snorted it and ran back home as fast as I could... I got into my yard.. and started gagging.. I took a huge breath of air.. and went in the door, as quietly as I could.. I slipped my shoes off.. and was careful to put them back exactly where they were..

I tip toed into the living room, still holding my breath.. and literally praying my mom was still asleep..
I turned the corner.. and she wasn't there..
I dodged a fucking bullet this time, I thought to myself.. I let my breath out.. and sat on the couch..
It was so hard not to be sick.. I lit a smoke, turned on the TV.. and no sooner did I put it on a station did my mom come downstairs.. I honestly got back home with less than a minute to spare..

I went into the kitchen, and got my medication.. I was down to 5mg's of Valium twice a day, and 25mg's of codeine three times a day..

It wasn't helping me whatsoever after the amount of drugs I was still on..
I sat back down in the living room, laid back in the chair, and lit my smoke I just chipped out..
Here was the old familiar feeling.. the rush I became addicted to.. The drug I fell in love with.

I didn't care about anything.. except this moment..

It's hard to understand how someone you love can put your through all this pain, all this torment.. and seem to have no regrets or guilt about what they do...

The fact is, I felt guilt all the time.. but the best way I found to deal with that guilt.. Was to get high again..
I knew I only had 3 pills left.. and I made them last 3 more days after that.. doing half of one in the morning, half in the evening..

I would still wake up sick, but I didn't care.. I always seemed to find a way to fuel my addiction.. I could always seem to scrape together enough money for one more hit.. that's what I kept telling myself.. "Just once more" then I'll stop..

Problem was I told myself this every single day of my life.

I remember talking with mom and dad.. I convinced them I was feeling better, and I was ready to go to school.. Mom needed to get back to work anyway, but I was still on my medication..

Mom worked in the school, so I just ended up going down to her office at lunch time, and she'd give it to me there.. The only reason I wanted to get back to school, was to get high and not have to sneak around.. Mom checked all of my classes, and made sure I went.. but I had off classes all the time, or a teacher would be sick.. Plus I had an hour for lunch each day..

I remember my first day back, a guy I know told me to come into the bathroom.. He pulled out a bag full of pink pills, and asked me "What are these".. I knew instantly they were Oxycontin 20mg pills, but I lied to him.. and told him they were "just percocet" "They're only worth 2 bucks each" .. Well do you want to buy them? he said.. I told him yes.. but I wanted to borrow a few of them, and I would meet him here next period with the money..

He lent me 6 of them.. I went and sold all 6 for 30 dollars to one kid.. He liked using drugs, but he wasn't bad like me.. I went back and found this kid before the next period.. and I gave him the 30 dollars.. plus 5 I had for lunch.. He gave me 15 more pills..

The bell rang for class, and I was still in the bathroom, crushing pills up on the back of the toilet and snorting them.. I think I snorted 2 or 3 of them.. then went to class.. I checked the mirrior to make sure I didn't have any powder on my nose.. then ran up the stairs to the second floor.. The classroom door was still open.. Thank god I thought.. but as soon as I walked in.. He asked to see me out in the hallway..

I was scared.. I didn't want him to make me get a late pass, my mom would know I was up to something if I was 10 minutes late for class..

"Where have you been Neil?" And I told him I was pretty sick.. and on medication, and I couldn't come to school.. "Well you're falling pretty far behind.. Why don't you take this work, and do it in the library.. there's a few assignments you need to make up"  "Sounds good to me" I said.. I took the bundle of work, and walked right past the library... I went downstairs and into the caffateria..

Two guys I knew were down there.. we started talking.. and they asked me if I could trade some pills for weed.. "Sure I can" I said.. They passed me 10 white pills, and told me they wanted a gram for them.. I'll be back in 10 minutes I said..

I walked a few houses away from the school, and fronted 3 grams for 25 dollars off a guy.. I came back and gave them a gram..

I asked them if they could get anymore of the pills.. and they said yes.. I told them I'd give them 2 more grams now, and they could give me 20 pills tomorrow.. they agreed.. and they left to smoke a joint.. They invited me along with them.. but I told them I had work to catch up on..
I went back to the bathroom.. and snorted two of the while pills.. They were dilaudid 8's.

Fresh from "getting clean" And I already had 13 Oxycontin and 8 dilaudids on me .. and I was already high as a kite.. I also had 20 more coming to me the next day..

To me, this was lucky.. This was a great day... I wasn't excited to be back to school, to see my friends or get back into class.. I was excited to buy drugs.. find drugs.. do drugs.. and fade away..