Another trip to detox.. (Part 1)

My bags were packed, my brother was burning me off Cd's to listen to while I was there..
It was only a day or two after going to pay my debts off..

I had to stop and pick up some clonazapam first..

I went to the hospital, and complained about panic attacks... it was a little more than that, but I don't want to give away details...

I got a prescription to 90 .5mg clonazapam.. just my luck..
I met a person at the pharmacy, and traded 45 of them for 10 morphine 60's..

I had quite a bit of drugs I was bringing this time.. I planned on using them all the first day or two I was there.. then I'd actually try to quit.. and make everyone happy.

The problem was I didn't go for ME.. If you're serious about getting clean, detox is a great first step...
But after that, you should get into a long term program, a safe house... a safe drug free place.. and trust me, there's lots of them around..

I remember before I left.. I snorted 2 24mg capsules, and 2 8mg tablets... This was a lot..
We got in there, and I went up the elevator.. this was when I started to get high.. that feeling I loved..

We  exited the elevator and turned right towards the detox center in the hospital.. They met me at the door, and took my bags for me.. I walked into the nurses office, and they asked me the same questions as last time.. took my vitals, and made me give them a urine sample...

They said "You don't have any smokes this time do you?" and I said "Not this time, I'm serious, I want the help.. I'm not getting kicked out this time" They searched everything I had pretty hard this time.. then let me go un-pack..

I met my roommates, they seemed like pretty good people... but I was really getting high... I figured if I took 10 clonazapam, I would chill out, listen to music and relax.. so I took them, and laid back..

I started reading a book and listening to music... I was almost falling asleep so I wanted to get up.. it was dark out now..

I was talking to my roommate, and I don't remember what we were talking about.... but I actually scared him... he went to the nurses station.. and complained about me... he even wanted to change rooms..

I don't remember much about it because I was on a dangerous mixture of drugs.
.. But the nurses called me into the office, and told me I had to stop acting crazy, and to go to sleep.. or I'd be kicked out..

I think I went to bed... I woke up, and it was time for breakfast.. I Got up... instantly feeling sick.... I went to the meal room, and tried to eat.. with all the other patients looking at me... I took a few bites, and then the nausea hit me like a punch to the stomach.. I got up and rain into the main bathroom, I threw up and gagged and gagged... I felt horrible..

In that same bathroom, I crushed 4 8mg dilaudids up and snorted them, I swallowed 2 morphine 60's.. because they were time release.. that way I wouldn't be sick for over 12 hours..

I cleaned myself up, and went into the kitchen, I heated up my coffee from breakfast.. and put 4 or 5 sugar in it.. and I tried to drink it, it tasted horrible, but I needed something to keep me awake.. I didn't want to start nodding off...

I was sitting there for a while, then I got up and asked the nurses if I could get a ensure because I couldn't eat my breakfast... They gave me one, and then took my vitals... then they had my medication for me..

2 vitamins and a drink of methadone or codeine, I'm not sure what they used this time... but I drank the tang in the cup.. and figured I'd have to go throw it up if I wanted to get high... but I just took a couple of morphine.. I would have to throw up in the sink, so I could save them..

And so I did.... I threw up the coffee I just drank.. it burned.. I felt horrible.. I found the two morphine pills, and they looked the exact same as when I swallowed them.. The time release on them is in the coating.. there's three layers of morphine packed in each pill... the first one releases instantly... the second one after 4 hours, and the third one after 8 hours... This is how all time release medication works, oxycontin, hydromorphone contin.. everything.

I swallowed water from the tap after cleaning it up, and swallowed the morphine..
I brushed my teeth then laid down... And the high came... I started to feeling great again..
I felt my stomach tighten up, and my bowels.. Opiates and opioids constrict your blood vessels, and when you're in withdrawal, they open up huge, making you have diarrhea, vomiting as well as body aches and cravings..

so once it starts to get into your system, you can feel it change your body.. everything tightens up.. and you feel relief.. that's why an addict keeps doing it... even when you stop getting high, that relief is almost just as good... because then you can start your day and live a normal life..

I used opiates to be more open and social, I loved how much I would talk on them... but I've learned to do that on my own.. it wasn't easy... I used to be very shy, but I'm not at all anymore.

The problem with being high, is you feel the urge to lie... you want to lie about how great your life is going, you lie about how you're clean... and how you're making a difference in your life..

Drugs offer a chance to live a different life... to take you out of the reality you live in.. to be a different person.
Maybe that's what I liked? I wanted to be popular, I wanted to be fearless when I talked to girls..
I wanted to be an out going popular kid.. The thing was, I had lots of friends, people liked me... I just wanted to be  happy with myself.. If I had of focused on who I was, instead of chasing that drug, I would have had a great life...

I'm glad it's not too late though..

So back to the story..
I went to the games room after I felt the high come on... I talked to the guy I scared the night before... I told him I was sorry, I was just high on drugs when I was talking to him... he said "That's fine, maybe we can start over, my names Alvin, what's yours?" Neil... Nice to meet you Alvin" .. "Do you play chess? he said
"Yes I do, are you up for a game right now?" "Sure"

We sat and talked... I got to know this man, he was in his 40's... Very kind person, but he liked to drink. I believe he had a wife, and his drinking was affecting every aspect of his life, so he wanted to quit..
We sat and played the game of chess.. I ended up winning, and he was surprised...
"After the impression I got from you last night, I didn't think you could beat me in chess!"

We said we' have a re-match later, and I went to my room..