Coming back home from choices.. (Part 1)

... I woke up, and I was sober again...
We all sat there talking (my family) about how I was allowed back after a week..
I was looking forward to giving it another try..

During that week home, I called the guy who was supposed to get me the 12's, and I asked him what happened. He told me the guy filled them with fake beads, and that they were garbage. So I asked him who was going to pay me back the money they owed me..

He said it wasn't his fault, blah blah blah.. and that he'd get me another couple of pills some day.
I knew him and his friend snorted them and made money off of me.

I had drugs at home, so it didn't really matter..
I figured I'd get high a few times, and wean myself down again before going to choices.

I snorted 2 morphine 60's the first day.. and that was it..
It got me pretty high, I felt good, and I wasn't sick.

The next day, I snorted 2 morphine, and an 8mg dilaudid...
It got me really high.. but not sick the next day.

I did this the next day...

Then I went back down to 2 morphine...
Then one morphine 60.. but I was still feeling sick.

I was going to choices the next day.. So I snorted another 60 mg morphine that night.

I was packing my stuff up to go to choices.. my parents didn't even know I was using the whole week I was there... they couldn't tell.
Maybe it was because I wasn't mixing the opiates with benzo's (benzodiazepines: Drugs like Valium, Ativan, Clonazapam xanax...etc.) .. which- like I mentioned a few times before- is one of the most dangerous combinations of drugs you can take. It's very easy to overdose on.

So before I left, I took 2 8mg dilaudid and 1 morphine with me.. in case I was getting sick there.
I also traded some Dexedrine beads for a gram and a half of weed..

I had to take the bus down... It was a long drive.. I was worried about messing up there.. I was nervous. I didn't want to get into shit, and I didn't want to ruin my chances at making this wonderful program work.

On the bus ride to choices.. I was sitting next to these two stoner looking guys.. I said to them "Hey, do you guys toke?" and they said "Yeah man, but we don't have any" .. I said "Do you have any papers?" and they said yes... So I gave them half a gram to roll up. And told them I needed 2 more papers to roll with.
We smoked the joint in Truro when we had a 15 minute stop there.. I only took a few puffs and let them finish it.

I bought a pop, and smoked a cigarette..  We got back on the bus, and they were thanking me like crazy..
I still had a gram, but I didn't wanna bring the whole thing to choices with me.. so I gave them close to half of it, and told them to keep it. They were pumped... I laid down, and slept the rest of the way there... I was getting a little paranoid.

When I got to the bus station in Halifax, I put visine in my eyes to get rid of the redness.. One of the workers from choices was picking me up, and I didn't want him to see me looking high.

He picked me up, told me he was glad to see me... and told me "I hope you keep doing well here.. you were doing great.. don't mess up this chance" .. I really wish I had of thrown out the drugs I had right when he said that... the thought crossed my mind.. but I didn't think it would hurt anyone.. "it was only one joint"

We got back to choices., and I ate supper.. the other guys were done, but they saved a plate for me..
I went to my room.. and two of the guys I knew there came in to talk to me.
"how you doing man, blah blah blah... Did you bring anything??? " I told them "I only brought a joint"

They were like "MAN you HAVE to smoke that with us, we'll do it in the shower room.. turn the showers on hot, and spray body wash in them before we get out showers.. that way they won't smell it.

That night, we all went in my room.. I got one of the other guys to roll it.. I closed my dresser with weed crumbs still in it, and got my towel and shower supplies.

We went in there, and I lit it... they turned on the showers and sprayed some body wash in them..
I lit the joint, and took a few puff of it right by the window. one guy left, and the other guy was just about to take his puff, when we saw a light shine up at the window... I threw the joint out the window, and we all took off..

I brushed my teeth, washed my hands, and got the smell of me... I left the visine on the bus, because I didn't want them finding it, because I knew they would know I was smoking weed..

I laid in my bedroom, and tried to go to sleep..

Just then, the workers called everyone into the main room..

"We just got a report from security that they got hit in the head with a burning joint"
I still to this day don't know if she was telling the truth, or if she just saw it land close to her..

"We know one of you guys were smoking weed... and if we don't find out who it was, we're kicking you all out."

They went around, checking peoples eyes.. and they came up to me, they looked for a second, then kept going.

I think we knew who it is, but it could be 2 other guys..

Now if you want to admit to it, you'll save these other guys from getting kicked out..

I raised my hand.. and said "It was me, sorry"

They took me back to my room... "Where is it" they said.. I opened my dresser, and showed them..
"That's all there was?"
"yes, I only brought one.. I was nervous about coming, and I thought it would calm me down"
Well, it got you kicked out, I hope that calmed you down enough to deal with that"

I begged and pleaded to get a second chance.. I said I would sign a contract, I would do anything, just please don't call my mom and dad! I'll be your best client here, I promise I want to change"

They told me there's nothing they can do, they can't just let me get away with it.. because if they did.. they would have to let everyone get away with it..

They wanted me out of there that night... They called my parents, who told them I had nowhere else to go..
They ended up letting me stay that last night, in my room, and I wasn't allowed to leave it.

I cried while I was in there.. I felt so stupid..

I thought about how mad my parents would be, how disappointed they would be...

I snorted a 60mg morphine I had on me, and went to sleep after crying for a few hours..
In the morning, they dropped me off at the bus station, bought my ticket home.. and left in an instant.. they were so upset with me, they knew I was better then that they said... "Neil, we know you can do this! but you've messed up too much, you're setting a bad example for the other clients, and it's not fair to them if we keep you there."

I understood.. I waited at the bus stop for an hour or more... before my bus came, I snorted the 2 8mg Dilaudids I bought with me... I got back on the bus.. and let the high kick in... it took my worries away for a little while.. the whole bus ride home... but they were starting to wear off, and I stepped off the bus..
I got into my moms car (She didn't get outside to hug me like she would have any other time) she was so disappointed in me..

I told her how sorry I was, and made up some lie about how "I only had a puff, and it was someone elses and and and..."  Then she told me something that hurt me bad.. "Me and your father were talking.. We got you a number to a case worker at social assistance, you're going to have to move out"

This BROKE me...

-End of part 1.

-Neil