Kicked out of the house..

I was supposed to be staying clean, I got caught using, again... and I was trying to stop, and maybe go to detox again..
I had a friend pick up cartons of smokes from the girl in Amherst, then take them to go see Marcus' and trade them for pills..

I told him I'd pay him to do it..

Anyway, I was grounded, so I couldn't pick the drugs up myself... so I had him throw them up on the little roof right bellow my window.

The first time he did it, I was sick.. I NEEDED these drugs..
I was waiting and waiting, and he finally came walking down the road... he put 2 24mg pills in a cigarette package and chucked it up on my window ledge... I reached down, got it, and then crushed one up..

I already had a spoon, A card, and a glass tube with rubber on one end to snort them with..

I was at a bad point in my sickness, I was getting really sick without it.. It was about 36hours from the time I had my last pill... which was a 12mg pill... barely enough to keep the sickness at bay.. I was throwing up like crazy and had some other withdrawal side effects.. my body ached and I was moody and crying..
So when I got my hands on the gray capsules, I was ecstatic.. I was super happy to be able to get them..

I sat there, with the lights off... the only light I had was the orange glow from the street light outside my window.. I crushed all the beads up fine, made two lines, and snorted them...

I laid back on my bed, and lit a smoke... I sat there, feeling the drugs break the blood barrier, and head to my brain.. you can almost feel your dopamine receptors going in your head.. then the high started, my stomach tightened up, it was pure relief. The rush came, and I knew I would be OK for another day. Plus I still have that other pill..

I woke up the next morning, and everyone was at work or school... mom didn't want me leaving the house at all.. but I did anyway.. I took their camcorder and sold it for drugs.. I can't remember what I got.. 10 24mg pills or something..

and I went home.... I over indulged, and snorted two at once, and I also took 5 xanax I had.. I felt great, even the stealing didn't bother me.. I could rationalize it..
I also stole a few other things, and after a few days my parents noticed they were missing..

"I have no idea where they are" I said... "You've been acting strange the past few days, like you've been high... are you sure you didn't sell it for drugs?"  "Mom I promise you I didn't! "
then dad said "If we can't find it in two days, then we're kicking you out.."

That was a bit of a shock.. I didn't take anything else... but I was now scared... I asked to buy it back, but Marcus said no, he already sold it..

I was fucked...

I heard about a kid who wanted to buy some crack that was new to town.. I read up online how to make fake crack, and they said crushed almonds look the same, just soak them in water for a little bit..

Well I did this, and we made 100 dollars, I got 40 of it.. and I bought 2 more pills..
The next day, my parents called me into the kitchen... we're kicking you you" "What? Why?? I didn't do anything"

They said "Because your mother went through your laundry before putting it in, and we know you're smoking crack now" .. .I laughed... I told them "Mom, it's the almonds in the cupboard! I showed her, and it looked the exact same, I told her how I planned on ripping someone off with them..

"Everything you're doing... We just think it'd be best if you left for a while" .. but where will I go? What will I do?"

This was a low point in my life... I slept in the extra car in my driveway.. and was only allowed in for showers and to get something to eat until I found a new place to live..

This was the hardest, and most embarrassing thing ever.. Even though I deserved it..

I remember one day two girls, 1 a had a crush on showed up at my house.. and I saw them, and jumped out as fast as I could... "Oh hey guys... I was just cleaning up the car" ... I think they both knew that was a lie..
"I haven't heard from you in a couple of days" She said... "I'm sorry, I've just been busy"

At this point in my life I didn't care... I would hitchhike to Amherst, and steal... I would steal razor blades, portable dvd players, playstation controllers, PSPs and I stole a Nintendo Wii with the box and everything..

And I would sell it all for drugs.. come back, and do them in my car..
it was a pathetic life.. I was 17.. and drugs were honestly more important to me at the time then anything else... I was turning into a monster... The monster inside of me controlled me... it influenced me.... stuff I would NEVER think about doing now, seemed so easy to convince myself to do then..

I gave up on life.. I really did, I didn't care..

-Thanks for reading.. More to come.