"Free" to go..

.. I walked out into the courthouse hallway.. my parents were standing there..
What was I to say to them? What could I possibly do? Lie.. that was the only solution I saw to solve my problem..

My mother hugged me, with tears in her eyes.. dad just stood there.. He was so upset..

My father is one of the strongest men I know.. A man who worked hard everyday to provide for his family, a strong, no nonsense kind of guy... but on this day.. I hurt him.. I hurt him bad..

We walked out to the car... not a word was said...
I got in.. and we started driving back home..
For about 10 minutes, no one said anything.. it was quiet...

I asked them for a smoke... they gave me one.. and about a minute later, that's when the questions started flowing..

"why, who, what, where, when, how... "

"We thought you were doing better, we thought you were clean" ..

My explanation was the same as I told the police officers.... I said I owed a lot of money and I had people after me... I figured having a gun would make me less scared, and if I flashed it, they might leave me alone..
At first, I thought this was a great story... but it had some holes...

"What if they had a gun and they shot you? .. what if you had to use it? do you know how many people you hurt?"

Even with the drugs in my system... I felt horrible... I couldn't believe what I did... This was a horrible thing for me to do.. one of the worst things I've ever done..

They asked me who I owed money too, and how much... I still to this day haven't told them anyone I bought drugs off of..  The reason behind this is I think about it all as my own fault... I would have got them from someone else, I always found a way.. I had many dealers in my life, and many people I bought off of..

I just can't give someone up.. it's not in me..  Maybe it's from being in the drug sub-culture for so long... there's Un-writen rules, like never give up your friends or partners.. never "snitch"

Anyway, after a 20 minute drive home... which felt like 20 hours... we pulled into my driveway..
We walked inside... Dad went upstairs, and took all of his guns from the gun cabinet then took them to a family members house.. I had a firearm restriction, and couldn't be around them..

Another problem with that, was my dad is an avid hunter.. and it's one of the main things we used to do together.. either going to the woods, or going to the rifle range to shoot targets.. This put a damper on spending time together.. and it's another thing that hurt my father..

We all sat and talked when he got home... what we were going to do, what was going to happen.. lawyer talk, money talk...

My parents agreed to give me 500 dollars to pay off my drug debts.. the problem with this, was I only owed about 200.. but in my story I said 500 to sound like a "big deal" .. I regret doing this, and they know the truth now... I've also given them money to make amends for stuff like this..

But when I look back.. that's all addiction is... a lie... one big lie after another..
You fool yourself into thinking you have it under control..
Your mind convinces you what you're doing is OK.. you rationalize every decision you make, even bad ones.. you manipulate the facts around it until it fits just right and you don't feel bad anymore..

"I have to steal, or I'll be sick... but once I feel better, I'll go to work at put the money back"
"It's OK to lie about that, that way no one gets hurt"
..etc, etc, etc..

Thinking back on all of this, it was hell.. I don't know why I put myself through all of that, and put all of my loved ones through all of that pain and suffering.. It was my addiction.. my disease.. it grows and consumes you until it's the only important part of you left..

.. So we stayed home and talked... I had to go to detox again we figured, or some sort of long term treatment center.. my parents would pay my drug debts, and I would figure stuff out with school..
They had conditions for me.. .conditions I had to follow, or I would have to move out..

I went to my room after a few hours of talking... I searched everywhere.. every stash spot I had... looking for something... for anything to kill the pain..
After an hour of looking I found 10 Serax and 5 4mg Dilaudid... I swallowed the Serax (a benzodiazepine), and snorted the 5 pills..

I went on the computer after this.. and lit a smoke..

I went on msn messenger, and I literally had 30 or more people messaging me.. asking me what happened, and everything like that... There was one name I was looking for... the girl I was supposed to meet..

I remember telling her I'm sorry, but I don't remember much else of what I said to her.. but I remember she was always there for me, even after that.. she wouldn't judge me and was always there to talk to.

I told everyone it was just a pellet gun, and that I wasn't in much trouble.. I was on msn for hours and hours, answering questions, and lying...

I went to bed, and woke up the next morning sick... Again.

This time, I felt worse...

It was a sunny morning, it was around 8:00am.. it was so nice out, but I felt horrible..
I got dressed.. and went downstairs.. everyone was gone except mom.. she was in her bedroom..
Without thinking, I put my shoes on, and ran to go see Marcus..
I ran as fast as I could to get there.. my mom never slept in.. and I knew she'd be awake any minute..

when I got there, Marcus said "In a bit of trouble I heard?" "Not really" I said.. "I only got caught with a pellet pistol, i'm not even in shit" ..."Well I heard you brought it to school?" he said... "No, that's just a rumor.. I wasn't even around the school"

"Listen, I need to front a few pills until tonight when my boss drops off my pay" "What do you need?" he said.. Which was weird, usually I'd have to argue a bit ,and lie some more in order to get credit...
But today was different.. I think he felt sorry for me, or just wanted me to get out of there as fast as I could..

"I need 4 30's.."  Well, I only have 3 on me.. if you wanna wait I can get you the other one in 20 minutes?"
"I don't have enough time" I said.. " Just give me the 3 and some 4's..."

I Left there with 3 30mg pills and 6 4mg pills.. I owed him another 125 dollars on top of 100 I had owed from before... I assured him I would be there to pay it that night..

I ran back home, and made it there in record time... I took my shoes off, and walked up the walkway to my house.. so I wouldn't make a sound..

I opened the door, stepped inside.. and closed it as quietly as I could.. I put my shoes back exactly where they were, and checked the living room.. mom was still in bed.. I made it..

I went into the kitchen, and grabbed a small plate, and a spoon.. I had a card an a Canadian tire bill in my wallet.. so I sat at the computer desk and crushed a 30mg pill and four 4mg pills...
I figured sitting at the computer was a good spot, because if I heard her get up, I could just run to the bathroom..

I finally had it all crushed up, and made it into 5 or 6 lines.. as soon as I rolled the bill up, I heard moms door open... "Fuck" I thought... I carefully took the plate into the bathroom.. and sat it on the closed toilet seat.. I sat there on my knees, snorting the powder as fast as I could...(Picturing this now makes me sick to my stomach..)  I could hear her walking down the stairs... I just got the last line in me, and ran my finger along the plate to get the rest of the powder I missed; When I heard her say my name... "Neil?"

"I'm in the bathroom mom" "OK, just making sure you were home" ..
I shoved the small plate down the front of my pants in the waist line.. I took the spoon, and put it in my sock.. I checked my face to make sure I didn't have any powder on my nose, and I flushed the toilet...
I washed my hands, and came out... mom was standing in the living room... I started to walk towards her..
She put her arms out to hug me... I was worried she would feel the plate if she hugged me too tight..
She was tearing up.. and she said "Everything will be OK Neil... I know you're better than this... you're so smart, loving and caring.. you can get past this"

I remember feeling a lump in my throat.. this is the first time I really felt horrible about what I did... I hurt my parents so much... why would I do something so stupid?

I told her how sorry I was... I was holding back tears, because I knew if I cried, my nose would start running..

I kissed her on the cheek, and she sat down on the couch.. I told her I needed a drink of pop, and went into the kitchen, I pulled out the plate and spoon as fast as I could and put them in the dish washer.. I grabbed a cup, and filled it with ginger-ale... I looked in the mirror before going back into the room.. and there was yellow powder on my nose... I wiped it off.. and sat back down with mom..