Friday, March 30, 2012

back home, back to work..



I was back home at this point, and I was working again at a call center...
I was still up to my old tricks, pretending I was clean, yet using daily.

Work became sort of a distraction, I didn't care about it... but I couldn't do my job unless I was high. I couldn't do anything really.. I was brainless without it..
So it was the same routine, getting paid, and trying to make my money last me long enough to get through till the next payday.

I would buy drugs in quantity, this way they would be cheaper.. but finding a source was proving to be harder and harder each pay day..
I would usually buy them from older people I knew who were prescribed them.
This way, I had a steady source once a month, and the prices were always lower, because they didn't know what they were worth.

I would mainly buy off of people who were on assistance, or had a very tight budget..
When they would have a prescription of 150+ 8mg pills, and they only took 1 or 2 a day; The prospect of fast, quick money was always a welcome invitation to their home.

I got a 500 dollar pay deposited into my account. I went straight to an older woman I knew in Amherst.. but not before making a stop at the bank.
I knocked on her door, and she welcomed me in with a smile on her face.. It was almost like going to visit my an older relative, she always seemed happy to see me.. but she was even happier when I pulled out my wallet.
the sad thing was, I was equally as happy when she'd pull out her prescription bottle.

She was prescribed 24mg hydromorphone contin, she would get 60 a month.. She needed the medication, so she wouldn't sell me all of them. I mentioned one day she should ask her doctor to prescribe her 12mg capsules instead of 24mg ones. That way she would get 120 instead of 60 each month.

I walked in there that day, and she told me that's exactly what she did.. She pulled out her bottle and a calculator and asked me how many I wanted. The price for a 24mg capsule from her was 6 dollars... So I was only paying 3 dollars for each 12mg capsule. She took 1, or something 2 a day herself.. so she ended up selling me 80 of them. that way she had at least 1 a day, and a few extra for the days her pain got too bad.

I handed her 240 dollars and started to leave.. before I left, she told me "I've got another bottle from 6 months ago laying around.. do you wanna check them out and see if you want them?"

She showed me a bottle of 4mg dilaudid tablets... Which was the same drug, only in instant release form.
I looked at the bottle, it said 180 tablets on it, but the bottle was about half full. I told her I would give her 60 more dollars for the whole bottle, and she agreed.. I left, with a smile on my face.

Each time I would make a score like this, I felt like I had won the lottery.. I still had 200 dollars left, and I had more than enough drugs to make it through till the next pay day.
The problem with getting more drugs in your possession, is your habit also grows.. It doesn't matter if you're used to taking two 12mg pills a day... If you have more than that, you'll do more than that.

I could have spaced all of these pills out to last me well over a month.. I can't remember the exact number of 4mg pills I got, but I know it was close to 100.
Normally, a 12mg capsule is roughly 15-20 dollars... and a 4mg tablet is anywhere from $8.00-$10.00..
I was getting these pills at wholesale prices, and she wasn't the only person I had selling to me..

This went on for quite a while.. I would stop over on the same day each and every month..
I showed up one day, and she told me she was going for surgery.. She sold me the normal ammount of drugs, and then I never saw her again. She went into surgery, and stayed in the hospital for a longgg time. I remember calling her house a few times months later and not getting an answer..
I heard she was in a home, or passed away, no one seems to know for sure.. and I don't feel like asking.

This one night at work, I couldn't get anything.. I didn't have a pill that entire day, and it was around 7:00pm.
I was supposed to work until 11, but I was feeling sicker and sicker each minute..
I had no money, and no way to get it.. I was getting worried..

I told my boss I was sick, and I had to go home.. The problem with this, was I had no drive, so I had to wait until 11 when my drive got off.

But the only reason I wanted to leave, was so I could make some money..
I went to one of the main malls they had there.. I found a bag in the parking lot.. and put it in my pocket.
I then went in, and browsed the mens section... I found a 65.00 work sweater, and put it in the bag. I then went to the return desk to return it..

They asked for the receipt, but I didn't have it.. so they just gave me a gift card with over $70.00on it..
This was too easy..
I then went to another mall, and did the same thing with something that was $45.00..
Then I went to the front of the store, and sold it for 30 dollars.. it was quick, and easy.

It was getting close to when all the stores were closing, so I went to a grocery store.. I took 2 expensive coffee containers, and returned them, for a gift card worth another 40+ dollars.

I ended up making over 100 dollars in gift cards, and 30 dollars in cash in less than an hour.. the craving was bursting.. I needed something..fast..

I went back to work, and had a smoke outside... I then had an idea. I would put a 20 dollars bill in the change machine, then I would collect the change, and tell them no money came out.
I did this, and had another 20 dollars in about 5 minutes..

I told my drive I didn't need him to take me home, and I called a cab... I couldn't even wait another hour... every time I thought about using, I would gag.. and my stomach would turn.. I "needed" this.
I felt like I would die without it... as crazy as that sounds, the only thing I was focused on was obtaining this drug. I used every bit of my mind to focus on how to make money, get the drug, lie to hide it.. It was a full time job in itself, and a stressful one at that.

It consumed me... It was everything..

I got dropped off just by Marcus's house. I traded the gift cards for half the face value, and spent the rest of the money on them too..
Walking out.. the same girl I met who injected asked me for an 8mg pill... I told her no at first, but she ended up convincing me that she would help me out someday if I didn't have a pill.. Addicts have a funny way of convincing anyone for drugs or money.. There's always an angle, always a way to do it.. it's like picking a lock, there's keywords and a right combination of things to say in order to get what you want..

It turned out I was sick one day, and this girl had drugs. I asked her and she basically told me to f%$# off.. Funny how favors get forgotten in the drug sub-culture.. it's all about what YOU can do for ME.. not what I can do for YOU..

anyway... I started walking home, which was about 15 minutes a way... every step I took I felt the nausea coming... like a wave of water crashing over me.. drowning me.. salt water pouring down my throat..
I was about 5 minutes from home, and I just couldn't help myself... in front of a group of people, I was sick... throwing up.. violently.. Wearing dress pants, leather shoes, and a nice shirt from work...
I was leaning against a power-poll throwing up and gagging for over 15 minutes..

The disease of addiction is a violent one.. it poisons every aspect of you.. I'm so glad to be so far removed from it, and I hope I can help even one person overcome their demons in my life time. It'll all be worth it if I can prevent another person, and their family from going through what me, and my family went through..

I walked in the door, everyone was in bed.. I crushed the pills up and snorted them.. I laid back gagging.. for over 5 minutes, holding it in.. until the drugs kicked in.. as soon as they did, it was instant relief.. no more pain, no more feeling sick... I was finally content.

-Neil

(Now, you need to realize... this was ONE day..... one little day out of my life, out of over 5 years of addiction.. the stories I have built up are in the thousands.. everyday was a new story, a new chapter.. this drug is a pure poison if misused.. something needs to be done to control and curb drug addiction... Thanks for reading!)

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Kicked out of the house..



I was supposed to be staying clean, I got caught using, again... and I was trying to stop, and maybe go to detox again..
I had a friend pick up cartons of smokes from the girl in Amherst, then take them to go see Marcus' and trade them for pills..

I told him I'd pay him to do it..

Anyway, I was grounded, so I couldn't pick the drugs up myself... so I had him throw them up on the little roof right bellow my window.

The first time he did it, I was sick.. I NEEDED these drugs..
I was waiting and waiting, and he finally came walking down the road... he put 2 24mg pills in a cigarette package and chucked it up on my window ledge... I reached down, got it, and then crushed one up..

I already had a spoon, A card, and a glass tube with rubber on one end to snort them with..

I was at a bad point in my sickness, I was getting really sick without it.. It was about 36hours from the time I had my last pill... which was a 12mg pill... barely enough to keep the sickness at bay.. I was throwing up like crazy and had some other withdrawal side effects.. my body ached and I was moody and crying..
So when I got my hands on the gray capsules, I was ecstatic.. I was super happy to be able to get them..

I sat there, with the lights off... the only light I had was the orange glow from the street light outside my window.. I crushed all the beads up fine, made two lines, and snorted them...

I laid back on my bed, and lit a smoke... I sat there, feeling the drugs break the blood barrier, and head to my brain.. you can almost feel your dopamine receptors going in your head.. then the high started, my stomach tightened up, it was pure relief. The rush came, and I knew I would be OK for another day. Plus I still have that other pill..

I woke up the next morning, and everyone was at work or school... mom didn't want me leaving the house at all.. but I did anyway.. I took their camcorder and sold it for drugs.. I can't remember what I got.. 10 24mg pills or something..

and I went home.... I over indulged, and snorted two at once, and I also took 5 xanax I had.. I felt great, even the stealing didn't bother me.. I could rationalize it..
I also stole a few other things, and after a few days my parents noticed they were missing..

"I have no idea where they are" I said... "You've been acting strange the past few days, like you've been high... are you sure you didn't sell it for drugs?"  "Mom I promise you I didn't! "
then dad said "If we can't find it in two days, then we're kicking you out.."

That was a bit of a shock.. I didn't take anything else... but I was now scared... I asked to buy it back, but Marcus said no, he already sold it..

I was fucked...

I heard about a kid who wanted to buy some crack that was new to town.. I read up online how to make fake crack, and they said crushed almonds look the same, just soak them in water for a little bit..

Well I did this, and we made 100 dollars, I got 40 of it.. and I bought 2 more pills..
The next day, my parents called me into the kitchen... we're kicking you you" "What? Why?? I didn't do anything"

They said "Because your mother went through your laundry before putting it in, and we know you're smoking crack now" .. .I laughed... I told them "Mom, it's the almonds in the cupboard! I showed her, and it looked the exact same, I told her how I planned on ripping someone off with them..

"Everything you're doing... We just think it'd be best if you left for a while" .. but where will I go? What will I do?"

This was a low point in my life... I slept in the extra car in my driveway.. and was only allowed in for showers and to get something to eat until I found a new place to live..

This was the hardest, and most embarrassing thing ever.. Even though I deserved it..

I remember one day two girls, 1 a had a crush on showed up at my house.. and I saw them, and jumped out as fast as I could... "Oh hey guys... I was just cleaning up the car" ... I think they both knew that was a lie..
"I haven't heard from you in a couple of days" She said... "I'm sorry, I've just been busy"

At this point in my life I didn't care... I would hitchhike to Amherst, and steal... I would steal razor blades, portable dvd players, playstation controllers, PSPs and I stole a Nintendo Wii with the box and everything..

And I would sell it all for drugs.. come back, and do them in my car..
it was a pathetic life.. I was 17.. and drugs were honestly more important to me at the time then anything else... I was turning into a monster... The monster inside of me controlled me... it influenced me.... stuff I would NEVER think about doing now, seemed so easy to convince myself to do then..

I gave up on life.. I really did, I didn't care..

-Thanks for reading.. More to come.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Anyone going to amherst tomorrow?

Anyone going to Amherst around 11:00am-11:30am ? 11:45? haha.
I have an appointment that day, I can help out with gas if you're going.

Or if anyone is coming back after 1.. let me know. Thanks!

-Neil

Update! : )


This is one of my dogs, Lola..A.K.A Lolllla Bean.
This is her when she was a puppy.. haha, I love my dogs. We also have a boxer named duke, i'll post a picture of him next time, but he's a wonderful loving dog who wouldn't hurt a fly.

My life is wonderful right now, I have a great girlfriend who I love to death, I have the two best brothers anyone could ever ask for.. And their girlfriends are also a part of our family. They're both amazing girls who fit in perfectly with out family ! : )

My relationship with my parents has never been better, and I really consider myself lucky to have the wonderful family I have.

I'm 23, and I'm living at home.. I don't currently have a solid job, I work occasionally cutting tree's, but we haven't been getting very many contracts... So I've been applying at a lot of other places.

I have two pretty good leads, and I assume I'll have a job here pretty soon.
I'm saving every cent I make until I have enough to move out with my girlfriend. We're looking for an apartment in Amherst; Maybe a two bedroom if we can.

I'm excited to start my life again, and lucky to have the chance to do so..

Today, I shoveled the driveway... After having near 20 degree weather last week this was a real bummer..
Then I took the dogs out to play in the snow.. they love it, and it's hilarious watching them play.

This week, I plan on going to the high-school to talk to some of the kids up there, so they can get to know me. I plan on coming in once or twice a week so they get to know me, and I could help them..
This came after sitting down for coffee with Jay. She runs the youth health center there, and she really thinks I could help some of these kids!

I also have a meeting with the manager of addictions services in Cumberland County.. he's taking me out for lunch on Thursday to talk about some ideas he has for me. which is awesome, I'm really expanding my network within addictions services and the correctional service area. Another Parole officer has asked me if I would be willing to speak to some people with her. I'm just waiting to hear back from her.

I'm also waiting for choices to contact me, as they want me to come down there and talk to some of the youth there who are struggling with a drug problem..

Then I'm speaking April 21st at a doctors conference... My life is great, I've also been helping A LOT of people though my blog and through two of my emails... I answer a lot of questions everyday, and sometimes it's a little hard, but it's really helping me in my own recovery.

This is what I want to do with my life, I'm looking for scholarships to go to school, I want to become an addictions councilor. It's in my heart... and it only makes sense that I went through all of that for a reason.

Thanks guys... And if you ever need to get a hold of me, email me at neilcalder1@gmail.com
I'm always here to listen, to help and offer advice. Don't worry, I will never judge you, and everything you say is kept completely confidential.

Thanks to everyone for reading everyday, and I'm sorry when I don't get a post up each day, sometimes it's a little hard with all the side work I'm doing.
Thanks for sharing my blog with other people, and thanks for helping me grow and expand this blog to reach more and more people! : )

-Neil

Also, if anyone knows of any odd jobs, or any part-time or full time openings anywhere, please let me know.. lol thanks again!

-Neilio

Straight to the source..




So.. My plan was to go straight to the source... a doctor... then instead of paying 20 dollars for a 12mg pill.. I would pay $1.15 each from the pharmacy..

I went to the hospital, and complained about a certain problem... I'm not going to say what one, or give any details on here.. because I don't want the drug addicts who read this to know about the tricks of the trade.

I sat in there, wondering what would happen next.. She came back and gave me a prescription for 30 12Mg hydromorphone contin pills.. enough to last me half a month...Or if I wanted, a full month, if I only took one a day..

I had a follow up appointment for 2 weeks later..

I went to a pharmacy away from town, so my mother wouldn't know anything if she picked up a prescription for me, as they print your past prescriptions right on the slip if you pick up a new one..

I walked into the pharmacy, and they filled my prescription, they had JUST enough to fill it for me they said, because they don't keep a high quantity of narcotics in the pharmacy.. in the city, a lot of them are getting robbed.

I walked out of there smiling... this was perfect..
If I could keep doing this, I wouldn't need to commit any crimes and I would have as steady supply of drugs.. it would just take a little work..

After getting out of detox, I lowered my tolerance a bit by weaning myself down on a mixture of dilaudid, clonazapam and morphine.. I got myself down to doing 2 or 3 12mg pills a day again.. which was what I needed..

The next two weeks, I made these pills last.. I would snort one when I woke up, and I would get pretty high.. Then before I went to bed, I would snort the other pill... I did this everyday for the next two weeks until my appointment... This way, it was easier to hide from my parents.. I wasn't stealing, I wasn't doing anything bad, so they figured I was doing OK again..

I was saving any amount of money I could get my hands on too..

I went to another doctor, one in town this time, and refilled my prescription for clonazapam, but I got her to bump it up to 4 a day, instead of 3.. I would sell most of them for dilaudids... I could trade 10 of them for a 12mg pill from another guy I knew... So I did this a lotttt.. And I would save them.

I went back to my doctor, and ended up getting 60 this time instead of 15.. this was perfect I thought.. but I would have to go to another doctor next time...

I did OK for about a week.. only doing two a day... I also had 10 other 12's in my stash box..
But then my addiction grew again... I would do 3 a day for 2 days in a row.. then go back to two a day..
This wasn't looking good for my "Big, smart plan!" .. I fooled myself into thinking I could control my addiction... I couldn't... I can't... and I'll NEVER be able to. That's why I know I'll never use again.

I went back to the hospital, and told the nurses there that someone stole my prescription bottle of clonazapam.. I said I had a party, and now I can't find them.. I told them it's been a day now without my prescription, so I was starting to feel sick...

They believed me, and wrote me another prescription to get me through the rest of the month..
Which was like 90 more pills.. Which I traded for 9 12mg dilaudids..

Now how long did this last? Every pill, was gone a little more than 2 weeks before I could get another prescription..

So what did I have to do? Steal, con, lie... all that..

My "Great" Plan turned out to be a stupid plan... A drug addict can't hold onto drugs for long, or make them last... you just do them until they're gone..

Like they say, one is too many, and a thousand is never enough... Well that's true..

There is no "in between" with addiction... you might be able to have both lives going for a little while, but sooner or later it will grow to big and topple over.. It's all stress, it's a horrible life... and Now, after being clean for so long... I can't imagine going back to that life...

Thanks for reading guys!

-Neil

Monday, March 26, 2012

Another trip.. part 2.

I remember when supper came... I still didn't feel like eating...

My stomach felt so weird.. I was forcing myself to throw up the medication they were giving me, because I wanted to get high for the first few days..

I went to the bathroom as soon as the meal trays were brought out, and snorted some pills.. I also took some clonazapam, I'm not sure how much.. not as much as the night before.. but enough to make me feel tipsy..
I went into the dinning room.. grabbing my tray off the cart before I went in.. I set next to Alvin and another old guy.. He was sick..

He was shaking.. violently.. and was spilling his coffee when he'd take a sip..
I asked him what his d.o.c was (drug of choice) and he told me alcohol and Valium.
I asked him why he didn't just go to the nurse if he was feeling that bad.. and he told me he did, but the medication was barley helping him..

I thought about giving him something... I really did.. I know if I had of pulled out some clonazapam he would have been happy, and felt better.. but then I started to weigh my decision out..
If I gave this man some more pills, would I be the one responsible for ruining this mans life? Would he leave to go get more tomorrow.. or would it help him?
'I could give him 3 tonight" I thought.. 'then give him 2 tomorrow, and 1 the next day"
I realized I'm not a nurse, I'm not a drug pusher.. I can't do this.. even though he seems to be suffering..

One look around the room, and I could tell I was the only one who wasn't in pain.. who wasn't feeling sick, depressed or distraught.. I was lucky, or so I thought. But I wasn't facing my demons yet..

I poked around at my plate for a while, then put it back on the cart.. My stomach wasn't having it..

I went to the nurses station, and asked for some nicotine gum, and some ensure.. once they gave it to me, I went and laid down.. I drank the ensure, and grabbed my Walkman.. I took a burnt CD out of the case and slipped it in. I sat there thinking.... thinking about what I had become, who I was.. and why I was doing the things I was doing.. I wasn't here for me.. I was here to please other people... Maybe this is the time to quit.
I told myself I would flush all of my pills away tomorrow, and focus on getting better..

I went to sleep, and didn't wake up until after breakfast the next morning..

I swear, as soon as I opened my eyes, the demon was awoken.. I thought about what I said the night before... that wasn't happening.. I woke up sick.. again... I was getting to a point in my addiction where I was getting scared.. My tolerance was growing everyday, and I wasn't getting high like I used to... it would basically just take away the sickness..

I remember I did A LOT of drugs that morning.. I told myself I was getting really high, I didn't care anymore..
I needed this, this was who I was... what I had become.. what I loved and what I wanted..
Imagine being told you have to stay away from the person you love.. your boyfriend, girlfriend.. your wife, your husband.. your child..

It's heart-wrenching.. and you would do anything to stop it.. Well that's what addiction is... it's your partner in life, your companion.. I didn't want to live without it.. 

At the time, this was EXACTLY what was going through my mind... I convinced myself I couldn't go on without this drug... it made me better, wiser, cooler... everything I wanted to be.. No one was going to take that away from me. I just needed to find a way to keep doing it, while not hurting as many people, and not committing any crimes.. I figured I'd found out the golden ticket.. I just needed to put the plan into action..

I got high that day... Really high.. I can't even remember the amount of drugs I did.. but I felt great, and it substantiated my new idea, thoughts and morals.

I skipped breakfast, but kept my coffee... I drank 4 or 5 of them that morning... They had us go to a program room, and sit and talk with other addicts.. some from the community and some from the detox..There was one guy I knew quite well there... We talked, and I told him how high I was, and that I just couldn't stop.. even in detox.. that's when he told me he was high too..   He told me he was injecting now though, and that snorting or swallowing the drugs was the biggest waste in the world..

I told him I tried it once, and I would rather snort it.. I didn't tell him I couldn't do it, and I missed and my foot swelled up.. but who needed the little details anyway?

I went back to my room, and it was getting later in the evening, supper already came, and I ate that like I was starving.. as well as someone else's who didn't want theirs..

I was sitting at the end of the hall, when one guy came up to me and told me that he was leaving to get smokes... He tested the fire escape door, he pulled a wire out of it so the alarm wouldn't go off.. he asked me where the nearest store was, and I told him... he told me to "keep six" or to watch his back.. he left and stood in the window.. I gave him the thumbs up.. and he left..

I thought this was hilarious.. I watched out the window as he ran to the store... He couldn't go without his smokes.. he just couldn't.. And the fact is.. when you're trying to quit.. it's hard to stop smoking too..

I sat there for a while, and waited, and waited.. At one point, I didn't even think he was coming back.. it was getting really dark.. then I saw a dark figure walking towards the back door.. I saw him go in, and then he snuck up the stairs... he looked through the window of the fire escape.. and it took a minute.. but I let him know when the coast was clear..  He came in, and went straight to his room... I waited there for a few minutes.. then he called me in.

He game me a pack of smokes and a book of matches for watching out for him..
I went to the bathroom right away, had a shower, snorted some pills and smoked two cigarettes.. they gave me a huge head rush, and I went back to my room..

The rest of the week was pretty much the same, I got to know a lot of the people, and I got high the entire time, not focusing on my recovery one bit..

I only had a few days left until I was "Clean" and I was pretty happy that my parents would be pleased..
I was sitting in the living room, when this girl.. who I talked to a lot.. said something rude to me.. I remember saying "You don't have to be so rude about it" and then she flew off the handle, screaming at me.. and I remember saying "Fuck off you psycho" to her.. and then she took off to her room, crying..

Everyone looked at me like "what just happened" a few people said "Wow, she really got mad at you over nothing" .. "I know" I said..

It wasn't even 10 minutes later, one of the staff came in the room the get me.. "Neil, Can we talk for a minute"  "Sure" .. I knew what it was about, but I figured as long as I told the truth, I wouldn't get in any trouble.. he asked me what happened. I told him, and then he left for a few minutes, and came back...
"Neil, We've decided you're going to have to leave again"
I was furious... "What are you talking about? I didn't even do anything?"
"Well, she said that you came out of no where and told her to fuck off, and then called her a bitch"

"That's not true" I said.. "That doesn't even make sense!" why would I just randomly yell at a girl?"
.. "You've also been disruptive, and you've been bugging the staff" .. which was true in a way, I asked for a lot.. ensure when I couldn't eat, sleeping pills at night.. but I didn't figure they thought I was that bad..

"You're making a mistake" I said.. "Look at the cameras, or ask anyone else that was there... She was the one who went crazy" "It's too late Neil, We've made out decision"
I remember getting really mad, I told them how shitty this place was, and how fucked up the program was.. I was extremely rude, but I was mad... This wasn't fair, at least in this one situation, I just wanted her to get out of my face... she swore at me way worse, over nothing.. I thought to myself..

"Have a seat down the hall in the program room, I'll get your stuff and you can sign out"
"Can't I just grab my own stuff and fucking leave?"

He left, after we had some words.. and I sat in there... "Fuck this" I thought.. I'm leaving"..
I grabbed a spoon, a straw, and a plate from the room.. I was starting to walk out the door, when two of the staff came back with my stuff... "Sign this paper, and you're free to go"
"You run this like a jail" I said... and a few other rude things..
They also found my smokes, and they were pissed about it... I told them I found them in my dresser, so I kept them. I said "I didn't even smoke one"

I grabbed my stuff, signed the paper and walked out.. furious at this moment..
They didn't call my parents or anything, so I just went to a guys house who I knew.. I got really high, and gave him some pills, then went home.

I tried to explain to my parents what happened, but they weren't having it.. they were so upset with me, they just wanted me to be better.. I told them I was clean the whole time, and that I was only a day or two short of leaving anyway.. I convinced them that this was OK, that it wasn't going to stop me from being clean... it was over...

I wish that was true, but my plan was just starting..


(with all this being said, I assure you all, the staff at that detox were very nice, professional, and caring.. I'm just writing my experience AT THE TIME.. and how I was feeling. This is not a fair representation of them, as I've had a few great experiences there, where I actually learned and grew.. everyone of the staff members there were very caring, and would offer you help when you needed it, or would just sit and listen if you had a problem.. I don't want this to sound like they're bad at all.. because they're not.. They just have to try to make the right decisions with the information they have.. so if it sounds like I'm speaking bad of any of them, I promise you I'm not)

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Another trip to detox.. (Part 1)



My bags were packed, my brother was burning me off Cd's to listen to while I was there..
It was only a day or two after going to pay my debts off..

I had to stop and pick up some clonazapam first..

I went to the hospital, and complained about panic attacks... it was a little more than that, but I don't want to give away details...

I got a prescription to 90 .5mg clonazapam.. just my luck..
I met a person at the pharmacy, and traded 45 of them for 10 morphine 60's..

I had quite a bit of drugs I was bringing this time.. I planned on using them all the first day or two I was there.. then I'd actually try to quit.. and make everyone happy.

The problem was I didn't go for ME.. If you're serious about getting clean, detox is a great first step...
But after that, you should get into a long term program, a safe house... a safe drug free place.. and trust me, there's lots of them around..

I remember before I left.. I snorted 2 24mg capsules, and 2 8mg tablets... This was a lot..
We got in there, and I went up the elevator.. this was when I started to get high.. that feeling I loved..

We  exited the elevator and turned right towards the detox center in the hospital.. They met me at the door, and took my bags for me.. I walked into the nurses office, and they asked me the same questions as last time.. took my vitals, and made me give them a urine sample...

They said "You don't have any smokes this time do you?" and I said "Not this time, I'm serious, I want the help.. I'm not getting kicked out this time" They searched everything I had pretty hard this time.. then let me go un-pack..

I met my roommates, they seemed like pretty good people... but I was really getting high... I figured if I took 10 clonazapam, I would chill out, listen to music and relax.. so I took them, and laid back..

I started reading a book and listening to music... I was almost falling asleep so I wanted to get up.. it was dark out now..

I was talking to my roommate, and I don't remember what we were talking about.... but I actually scared him... he went to the nurses station.. and complained about me... he even wanted to change rooms..

I don't remember much about it because I was on a dangerous mixture of drugs.
.. But the nurses called me into the office, and told me I had to stop acting crazy, and to go to sleep.. or I'd be kicked out..

I think I went to bed... I woke up, and it was time for breakfast.. I Got up... instantly feeling sick.... I went to the meal room, and tried to eat.. with all the other patients looking at me... I took a few bites, and then the nausea hit me like a punch to the stomach.. I got up and rain into the main bathroom, I threw up and gagged and gagged... I felt horrible..

In that same bathroom, I crushed 4 8mg dilaudids up and snorted them, I swallowed 2 morphine 60's.. because they were time release.. that way I wouldn't be sick for over 12 hours..

I cleaned myself up, and went into the kitchen, I heated up my coffee from breakfast.. and put 4 or 5 sugar in it.. and I tried to drink it, it tasted horrible, but I needed something to keep me awake.. I didn't want to start nodding off...

I was sitting there for a while, then I got up and asked the nurses if I could get a ensure because I couldn't eat my breakfast... They gave me one, and then took my vitals... then they had my medication for me..

2 vitamins and a drink of methadone or codeine, I'm not sure what they used this time... but I drank the tang in the cup.. and figured I'd have to go throw it up if I wanted to get high... but I just took a couple of morphine.. I would have to throw up in the sink, so I could save them..

And so I did.... I threw up the coffee I just drank.. it burned.. I felt horrible.. I found the two morphine pills, and they looked the exact same as when I swallowed them.. The time release on them is in the coating.. there's three layers of morphine packed in each pill... the first one releases instantly... the second one after 4 hours, and the third one after 8 hours... This is how all time release medication works, oxycontin, hydromorphone contin.. everything.

I swallowed water from the tap after cleaning it up, and swallowed the morphine..
I brushed my teeth then laid down... And the high came... I started to feeling great again..
I felt my stomach tighten up, and my bowels.. Opiates and opioids constrict your blood vessels, and when you're in withdrawal, they open up huge, making you have diarrhea, vomiting as well as body aches and cravings..

so once it starts to get into your system, you can feel it change your body.. everything tightens up.. and you feel relief.. that's why an addict keeps doing it... even when you stop getting high, that relief is almost just as good... because then you can start your day and live a normal life..

I used opiates to be more open and social, I loved how much I would talk on them... but I've learned to do that on my own.. it wasn't easy... I used to be very shy, but I'm not at all anymore.

The problem with being high, is you feel the urge to lie... you want to lie about how great your life is going, you lie about how you're clean... and how you're making a difference in your life..

Drugs offer a chance to live a different life... to take you out of the reality you live in.. to be a different person.
Maybe that's what I liked? I wanted to be popular, I wanted to be fearless when I talked to girls..
I wanted to be an out going popular kid.. The thing was, I had lots of friends, people liked me... I just wanted to be  happy with myself.. If I had of focused on who I was, instead of chasing that drug, I would have had a great life...

I'm glad it's not too late though..

So back to the story..
I went to the games room after I felt the high come on... I talked to the guy I scared the night before... I told him I was sorry, I was just high on drugs when I was talking to him... he said "That's fine, maybe we can start over, my names Alvin, what's yours?" Neil... Nice to meet you Alvin" .. "Do you play chess? he said
"Yes I do, are you up for a game right now?" "Sure"

We sat and talked... I got to know this man, he was in his 40's... Very kind person, but he liked to drink. I believe he had a wife, and his drinking was affecting every aspect of his life, so he wanted to quit..
We sat and played the game of chess.. I ended up winning, and he was surprised...
"After the impression I got from you last night, I didn't think you could beat me in chess!"

We said we' have a re-match later, and I went to my room..

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Sneak.



I was starting to feel the effects of the drugs... sitting there watching TV...

I lit a cigarette and started talking to mom... She took the day off work, and we talked all day.
I was telling her how sorry I was, how bad I felt.. But nothing I could say at that time could make her feel any better..

We talked about how much I owed. and mom said she would give me the money when dad got home from work to pay off my debts..

I thought about telling them the truth, that I didn't owe 500 dollars.. that I was sorry, and why I really did what I did.. but then everything would fall apart.. I couldn't risk that.. I would just have to pay them back.

So all day, the only thing on my mind, was trying to figure out how much extra money I made, what I would buy with it.. and how I would conserve the pills I bought to last me until I could get out of the house..

I was on msn, talking to a friend of mine.. He told me if I gave him 65 dollars he could get me a gram of coke.. I didn't wanna pass that up, so I told him I'd take it.. and to meet me at 6:00 at a certain place..
I then had close to 300 to spend on pills..

I made some phone calls, and set some stuff up for 6.. I was going to have to do a lot of running around in a short amount of time..

Dad got home at 5.. he had already went to the bank and got around 500 dollars out..

Mom and dad called me into the kitchen and gave me the money... Get there, get back and when you do get back we're going to check your clothes..

"It's OK, I'm just paying my debts.. I'm never doing drugs again in my life"
"How long will it take you?" About 30 minutes, it's at least a 15 minute walk away."

When I left, I walked the opposite way of Marcus' house.. I didn't want them to even have a clue where I was going.. that would ruin my chances of getting drugs again..

I walked maybe 5 minutes from home, met the guys with the coke and gave him the money.. I told him to hold onto it for me, and I'd pick it up later...

Then I met another kid I knew, and I bought 20 8mg pills for 100 dollars..
That's all this kid could get..

I went and met another guy I knew, and bought 5 24mg pills for 75 dollars..
That was also all he could get for a while.. He was stealing them from his uncle, and he didn't wanna take too many..

Then I went to see Marcus... I paid him the money I owed him from the morning... and then figured out what I could buy..  I ended up getting 10 4mg pills and 3 or 4 30mg capsules..

I hid half the pills in a hollowed out part of my shoe, and shoved the other half in the crotch of my boxers..

Then I walked home... When I got there, my dad was in the kitchen.. mom was upstairs...
"Do you wanna check me?" I said.. "Get your mother too upstairs.." Dad said..

When I walked up stairs, I threw the bag of pills under the chair cushion in the front room.. then mom checked my clothes..

"Please tell me this is over" she said... I lied and said "It's over mom"

When in reality this was pretty much the start... this is when I got worse and worse.. when I stopped caring who I hurt, and what I did..

I remember I had close to 40 pills.. I went downstairs, talked to dad for a while, and lied to him about how I was going to stay clean and how this was it.. I believed that it was the last time I would get in trouble, but I knew it wasn't the last time I'd do any drugs..

I stayed around them the whole night, so they wouldn't think I was sneaking off to go use..

When they went to bed, I pretended I was going to bed too... I laid in bed for at least an hour, until I knew for sure they were asleep.. I snuck down the stairs as quietly as I could, I grabbed the stash of pills, and took 4 8's out of it.. I put it back where it was, only further into the couch..

I snorted the pills right at the computer, off of a plate.. I made some pizza pockets, and put them on the plate after I did my pill... My plan was to set them on top of the pills if anyone came downstairs..
After I did them, I went on-line, and was talking to my friends... I had a million questions being thrown at me.. so I ignored most of the people.. I just talked to one person, and told them the truth.. it was another person who was using drugs.. and we talked about drugs all the time.. It was the only person I could be honest with..

While we were talking... I realized maybe I was taking this too far? .. Where did I want to be 5 years from now?.. I thought about it.. and decided I would give detox another chance..

The next morning when I woke up, it was the day my suspension was over.. I was talking to mom about this, and that's when she told me they were thinking of expelling me..
I didn't actually go to the school, but I caused the school to be locked down.. so they were meeting to discus this.. The conclusion they came to was I would be expelled for the rest of the year..

In the news papers they compared me to another kid at the school who wrote a hit list and brought a knife to school.. I felt like I was being compared to the columbine shooters.. I didn't do anything that bad.. and getting expelled really made me angry.. I still liked going to school, and I felt like I was being treated UN-fairly.
I figured since I didn't go to the school, I shouldn't have had any consequences from the school.. I was really mad about this.. because now I would have to do my courses at home..
This ended up in me not bothering with the courses, and planning on doing me G.E.D.. Then I got a job and didn't care about going back for grade 12..

This was a major turning point in my life.. it gave me wayyy too much free time then I already had, and my drug habit grew.. but that's for another post.

I woke up, and mom made some phone calls to get me back into the detox...



Tuesday, March 20, 2012

"Free" to go..



.. I walked out into the courthouse hallway.. my parents were standing there..
What was I to say to them? What could I possibly do? Lie.. that was the only solution I saw to solve my problem..

My mother hugged me, with tears in her eyes.. dad just stood there.. He was so upset..

My father is one of the strongest men I know.. A man who worked hard everyday to provide for his family, a strong, no nonsense kind of guy... but on this day.. I hurt him.. I hurt him bad..

We walked out to the car... not a word was said...
I got in.. and we started driving back home..
For about 10 minutes, no one said anything.. it was quiet...

I asked them for a smoke... they gave me one.. and about a minute later, that's when the questions started flowing..

"why, who, what, where, when, how... "

"We thought you were doing better, we thought you were clean" ..

My explanation was the same as I told the police officers.... I said I owed a lot of money and I had people after me... I figured having a gun would make me less scared, and if I flashed it, they might leave me alone..
At first, I thought this was a great story... but it had some holes...

"What if they had a gun and they shot you? .. what if you had to use it? do you know how many people you hurt?"

Even with the drugs in my system... I felt horrible... I couldn't believe what I did... This was a horrible thing for me to do.. one of the worst things I've ever done..

They asked me who I owed money too, and how much... I still to this day haven't told them anyone I bought drugs off of..  The reason behind this is I think about it all as my own fault... I would have got them from someone else, I always found a way.. I had many dealers in my life, and many people I bought off of..

I just can't give someone up.. it's not in me..  Maybe it's from being in the drug sub-culture for so long... there's Un-writen rules, like never give up your friends or partners.. never "snitch"

Anyway, after a 20 minute drive home... which felt like 20 hours... we pulled into my driveway..
We walked inside... Dad went upstairs, and took all of his guns from the gun cabinet then took them to a family members house.. I had a firearm restriction, and couldn't be around them..

Another problem with that, was my dad is an avid hunter.. and it's one of the main things we used to do together.. either going to the woods, or going to the rifle range to shoot targets.. This put a damper on spending time together.. and it's another thing that hurt my father..

We all sat and talked when he got home... what we were going to do, what was going to happen.. lawyer talk, money talk...

My parents agreed to give me 500 dollars to pay off my drug debts.. the problem with this, was I only owed about 200.. but in my story I said 500 to sound like a "big deal" .. I regret doing this, and they know the truth now... I've also given them money to make amends for stuff like this..

But when I look back.. that's all addiction is... a lie... one big lie after another..
You fool yourself into thinking you have it under control..
Your mind convinces you what you're doing is OK.. you rationalize every decision you make, even bad ones.. you manipulate the facts around it until it fits just right and you don't feel bad anymore..

"I have to steal, or I'll be sick... but once I feel better, I'll go to work at put the money back"
"It's OK to lie about that, that way no one gets hurt"
..etc, etc, etc..

Thinking back on all of this, it was hell.. I don't know why I put myself through all of that, and put all of my loved ones through all of that pain and suffering.. It was my addiction.. my disease.. it grows and consumes you until it's the only important part of you left..

.. So we stayed home and talked... I had to go to detox again we figured, or some sort of long term treatment center.. my parents would pay my drug debts, and I would figure stuff out with school..
They had conditions for me.. .conditions I had to follow, or I would have to move out..

I went to my room after a few hours of talking... I searched everywhere.. every stash spot I had... looking for something... for anything to kill the pain..
After an hour of looking I found 10 Serax and 5 4mg Dilaudid... I swallowed the Serax (a benzodiazepine), and snorted the 5 pills..

I went on the computer after this.. and lit a smoke..

I went on msn messenger, and I literally had 30 or more people messaging me.. asking me what happened, and everything like that... There was one name I was looking for... the girl I was supposed to meet..

I remember telling her I'm sorry, but I don't remember much else of what I said to her.. but I remember she was always there for me, even after that.. she wouldn't judge me and was always there to talk to.

I told everyone it was just a pellet gun, and that I wasn't in much trouble.. I was on msn for hours and hours, answering questions, and lying...

I went to bed, and woke up the next morning sick... Again.

This time, I felt worse...

It was a sunny morning, it was around 8:00am.. it was so nice out, but I felt horrible..
I got dressed.. and went downstairs.. everyone was gone except mom.. she was in her bedroom..
Without thinking, I put my shoes on, and ran to go see Marcus..
I ran as fast as I could to get there.. my mom never slept in.. and I knew she'd be awake any minute..

when I got there, Marcus said "In a bit of trouble I heard?" "Not really" I said.. "I only got caught with a pellet pistol, i'm not even in shit" ..."Well I heard you brought it to school?" he said... "No, that's just a rumor.. I wasn't even around the school"

"Listen, I need to front a few pills until tonight when my boss drops off my pay" "What do you need?" he said.. Which was weird, usually I'd have to argue a bit ,and lie some more in order to get credit...
But today was different.. I think he felt sorry for me, or just wanted me to get out of there as fast as I could..

"I need 4 30's.."  Well, I only have 3 on me.. if you wanna wait I can get you the other one in 20 minutes?"
"I don't have enough time" I said.. " Just give me the 3 and some 4's..."

I Left there with 3 30mg pills and 6 4mg pills.. I owed him another 125 dollars on top of 100 I had owed from before... I assured him I would be there to pay it that night..

I ran back home, and made it there in record time... I took my shoes off, and walked up the walkway to my house.. so I wouldn't make a sound..

I opened the door, stepped inside.. and closed it as quietly as I could.. I put my shoes back exactly where they were, and checked the living room.. mom was still in bed.. I made it..

I went into the kitchen, and grabbed a small plate, and a spoon.. I had a card an a Canadian tire bill in my wallet.. so I sat at the computer desk and crushed a 30mg pill and four 4mg pills...
I figured sitting at the computer was a good spot, because if I heard her get up, I could just run to the bathroom..

I finally had it all crushed up, and made it into 5 or 6 lines.. as soon as I rolled the bill up, I heard moms door open... "Fuck" I thought... I carefully took the plate into the bathroom.. and sat it on the closed toilet seat.. I sat there on my knees, snorting the powder as fast as I could...(Picturing this now makes me sick to my stomach..)  I could hear her walking down the stairs... I just got the last line in me, and ran my finger along the plate to get the rest of the powder I missed; When I heard her say my name... "Neil?"

"I'm in the bathroom mom" "OK, just making sure you were home" ..
I shoved the small plate down the front of my pants in the waist line.. I took the spoon, and put it in my sock.. I checked my face to make sure I didn't have any powder on my nose, and I flushed the toilet...
I washed my hands, and came out... mom was standing in the living room... I started to walk towards her..
She put her arms out to hug me... I was worried she would feel the plate if she hugged me too tight..
She was tearing up.. and she said "Everything will be OK Neil... I know you're better than this... you're so smart, loving and caring.. you can get past this"

I remember feeling a lump in my throat.. this is the first time I really felt horrible about what I did... I hurt my parents so much... why would I do something so stupid?

I told her how sorry I was... I was holding back tears, because I knew if I cried, my nose would start running..

I kissed her on the cheek, and she sat down on the couch.. I told her I needed a drink of pop, and went into the kitchen, I pulled out the plate and spoon as fast as I could and put them in the dish washer.. I grabbed a cup, and filled it with ginger-ale... I looked in the mirror before going back into the room.. and there was yellow powder on my nose... I wiped it off.. and sat back down with mom..

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Court, debts and detox...



I was sitting in the police station...
What the hell was I going to do?

They brought my mom down... she took one look at me.. and started balling... they opened the cell door so she could give me a hug... "It's gonna be OK, just tell them the truth Neil, Just tell them the truth... I love you"
Then she left..

My emotions were All over the place... I didn't know what to think, what was going to happen... I thought I was going to Juvie.. I was terrified.

I was charged with possession of a firearm with readily accessible ammunition and possession of a restricted firearm.... They had to keep me until I went to court the next day at 9Am..

This was the first time I went to jail... this was serious stuff...

They hauled me into the interrogation room.. and started asking me questions..
"Why did you have this gun? Were you going to sell it to your friend you were with?"
I replied "No, he didn't even know I had it... I took it for protection, I owed a lot of money, and I didn't want anything to happen to me"

They let Matt go, and put me back in my cell..

They bought me supper.. and I laid there... the Jailer gave me a few smokes..

I went to sleep... crying the whole time..

I woke up... and I found out later that the school was locked down... They thought I was going to the school with the gun... and even though I didn't... I got kicked out of school..

They told me to get ready.. and they let me put my shoes and coat on... they got me a coffee... and we got into the back of the police cruiser... I was really starting to feel sick... it sucked... on the way... they kept asking me who I bought drugs off of, who was after me... all that stuff... I told them I couldn't talk about that.. and they should just stop asking now, because I won't talk about it..

They were giving me smokes.. and telling me how much potential I had, and they were asking me why I was wasting my life like that.. I felt so sick, but I kept trying to stop myself from throwing up...

We got to the courthouse... they led me up there.. and they put me in a cell...it was pink.. it had low lighting.. and there was nothing in it except a little bench, and a steel toilet and sink in one corner..  I had a pretty long wait before the judge would see me.. 

They slid the paperwork for a lawyer under my door.. I filled it out for legal aid at first..
I asked for a few readers digest to read.. they gave me two..
I was sitting on the bench in there... and I was looking through my pockets, to see if the cops missed anything... maybe I had something hidden..

nothing... I took my coat off, and saw a small hole in the lining.. then it hit me... I hid 5 8's in there and 3 ativan 2mg pills.. I hid it in case my parents found my stash one time.. but I was high when I did this, so it slipped my mind... I tore into the hole, found the baggy.. and took it out.. I started crushing the pills right in the baggy with the plastic lens from my glasses... they crushed pretty each.. and then I put it in my pocket...

I looked out the cell door window to make sure there were no sheriffs around... I sat back down, and ripped a piece of mail-order cardboard out of the readers digest.. I rolled it up, and licked it on one side... and made myself a small tube...

I turned toward the toilet, to pretend I was taking a pee, in case one of the sheriffs looked in the window..
I opened the baggie up, and snorted as much as I could with one nostril.. I then shoved the tube into my other nostril and snorted as much of the powder as I could..

I repeated the process again... until there was barely anything left...
I ripped open the baggy and licked the rest of the powder off of it... I then wrapped the baggy and the tube in toilet paper.. and flushed it down...

I checked my nose in the little mirror, and made sure there was no powder running down my face.. or on my nose..

I sat back down... waiting for the drugs to kick in.. to relive this torment.. this anxiety, this horrible feeling I had inside me.. the guilt, the shame... everything I had done.. I was so worried about seeing my parents in the court room... what would I even say to them?

Just then I heard Banging, and screaming and yelling... This young girl, probably 17 or 18 was screaming and freaking out... kicking her cell door, and yelling at the guards..
It was a mess.. they ran in and told her if she didn't stop they would restrain her in cuffs and shackles... they left, and she kept doing it... so they took her to another room... I didn't hear her again..

My time was up... "Neil Calder!" said the bailiff... they unlocked my cell, and took my in the court room..
I was standing up while the judge came in.. and the sheriff told me to sit down... my lawyer came up to me and told me she was trying to get me released to my parents custody under a writ.

After 5 minutes of the lawyer talking with the crown, they agreed to let me go... I was taken back to my cell while my paper work was written up and printed off..

It was the longest wait in my life..

I still wasn't feeling high, or any relief... I was still feeling sick... I sucked air in my nose, and felt a lot of powder move...

They came to get me as soon as I did that... I had to sign 10 different papers or more..

... I was no free to go...

I walked out into the hallway... And....

-End.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Next step..



It's hard to chose where to go from here...

I have so many stories.. I've done so much stuff.. So where do I go?

I've taken a couple days off to reply to emails... I've been reviving a lot from many different people, and I'm doing my best to give advice and support through their hard times.

I Feel like explaining how addiction grows... It's like a cancer cell... spreading and consuming, until there's nothing left but black, empty death... Addiction takes from you, addiction steals from you..
You waste your life... your chances in life... you're aimless, and you're blindly fallowing where this drug takes you... You do anything to feed it.. it's always in your mind.. the only time you get relief is when you get high..

That's why the best prevention is to just never start... an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.. Or in this example a tonne..

That being said, it's not to late to get help once you're addicted... there are many great councilors out there.. there's people willing to help you. You just need to take the first step and reach out.

I think back on my old life, and I can't even believe I did what I did.... It seems so surreal, like it wasn't me.. and I was just watching it. The problem is, I did do these things, and I can't take them back... if I could, I certainly would..

I was 17 at this time... and I may jump back and forth a little bit in my next few blogs.. but this is an important story, and it's the first time I got arrested and put in jail..

This is probably the first time a lot of people have heard the true story about this, but it's important to explain it..

I was 17... My life was OK at this point... I had a girl I liked, I had a lot of friends.. but I was hiding this addiction I had..

I was suspended from school, and I was sitting at home.. I woke up, and there was nothing left for me to sell, or to take... I was craving a pill, and feeling sick..

I went to a guy I know, and I borrowed 3 8mg dilaudids; and I got 8 Valium 10mg pills as well..
I took the Valium as soon as I left.. and then I went home..
As soon as I walked through the door, I locked it.. and went into the kitchen.. I crushed the 3 pills and snorted them in under a minute.. I was quick and fast at it now from all of the experience I had.

I sat down on the computer.. and realized I would probably need more money... I was getting pretty high from the mixture, so I walked to an older mans house I knew..
I helped him out, and he would give me money here and there... at first, I was going to ask him to borrow some money... He was pretty upset that day.. He would shake a lot from Parkinsons.. in the middle of the night, he had a bad dream, and knocked his side table over...

He asked me to clean it up for him.... so I did... I tipped it back up, and started putting things back into the side table.. when I was grabbing papers and stuff.... Something caught my eye...
A shiny little pistol... without thinking, I grabbed it and put it in my pocket..

I wouldn't have done this if I was only on the opiates I think... but whenever I took benzo's I would do stupid stuff... I swear, 99% of the time I did anything bad, I was under the influence of either Valium, Ativan, Xanax or Klonopin..  They're a powerful drug... some people call them a "dry drunk" .. but it's worse then that.. you lose your ability to think about a situation..

Anyway, the deed was done... I left pretty quick after putting it in my pocket... I knew a guy who I could sell this gun to.. so I walked to meet him..

I walked up by the school, but not close enough to be on the property.. but I saw someone I knew, so I asked them if they knew where this guy named Matt was... They told me he was outside smoking I think... and someone grabbed him for me...

We went for a walk, and I told him I had it... I told him I would sell it to him for 100 dollars.. and he said yes.. just then, he saw a guy he knew.. he picked us up, and drove us in town..

I was supposed to meet a few of my friends, then I was leaving to meet up with the girl I liked.. she was coming over at lunch time to see me... which I was excited about..

.. Anyway, Me and Matt were walking and talking, he wanted me to show it to him... so we agreed we would go behind the "green building" .. a place kids in town used to smoke weed and drink behind..

We started walking towards it... we were cutting through the bank parking lot, and I looked behind me... I could see the 3 friends I was supposed to meet sitting on the wall of a convenience store.. They waved to me, and I put 1 finger up to tell them I'd only be a minute... when I was looking that way, I saw a police car speed to the end of the road... then it was followed by another police car...

My heart dropped.... I started walking faster... but they sped up, they pulled into the bank parking lot and jumped out as fast as they could and told me to stop..

One cop grabbed me, and told me to put my hands on the car... he patted me down.. at first, he missed it.. but he shoved me into the car a little, and we both heard the "Clink!" sound it made... he grabbed it.. passed it to his partner.. and put the cuffs on me..

At the same time, they were checking Matt... Who was also being patted down and handcuffed...

I was sitting in the back seat.. and I heard them Un-chamber a round and empty the clip... I could hear the brass bullets hitting each other... and I instantly thought my life was over...

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Part 3..



I woke up in the morning... Feeling sick... which is what I wanted..
I still had some money, no one was home... Everyone was at school or work... except me..

I made a plan the night before.. and I knew what I was going to do..

I got a shower, and washed my feet really well.. I decided that's where I was going to inject... that way there wouldn't be any marks on my arms..

I got out of the shower.. it was 9:00am.. it was a beautiful sunny day.. and I was up to no good..

I called the Pharmacy, and placed an order... I said "Hi, I need a pack of diabetic needles, and a pin wheel filter"
"We don't carry those pin-wheel filters here" ... "Well do you have any other filters?" I said.. "Yes, we have a micron tip filter" That sounds fine, I'll take that.. How much will that come to?" " Around $5.00" she said..
"I'll stop over to pick it up in about 30 minutes" I said... and hung up..

OK... they can't say no now... I'll just ask for my package I called and ordered... if they said anything else.. I would just tell them it was for a school project..

I decided I would go see Marcus's and buy a 12mg pill.. I would inject half of it for my first time... 6Mg's wouldn't be too much I thought..

..So I walked the long walk to Marcus's.. he lived pretty far from my house.. I went in, and bought the 12mg pill... I already had drugs... but I want to make sure I was getting exactly 6mg's, so I wanted to do it this way. I felt it was the safest overall. ..When I was leaving, I was hoping to run into Becca' .. but she wasn't there today..

I walked down main street, and stopped in at the pharmacy.. I grabbed a bottle of water, and an elastic.. the kind you get put on you when you give a blood sample at the hospital..

I walked to the back of the pharmacy... I grabbed some alcohol wipes, and some latex gloves.. and I asked for my package.. I paid for all of it, and kind of got a dirty look... but I didn't care... I left, and walked home..

The short walk home, I was worried.. my heart was beating... "Would I turn into a junkie now?"
I thought to myself... I just wanted to try it a couple of times, then I would keep on snorting.. the only time I would do this, was when I was short on money...

I got home, and shut all of the blind and locked all of the doors and windows.. I knew no one would be home until at least 12.. but probably closer to after 3..

I set up in the kitchen.. I sprayed everything down with disinfectant..
I got out a spoon, and wiped it off with alcohol swabs.. I washed my hands with anti-bacterial soap, and then put on the gloves...

I crushed the full 12 mg pill on a small plate-that I also wiped down with alcohol wipes- and then made them into two lines... I poured one line; equally 6mg's; Into the spoon..

I opened up the package of needles, and looked for a filter...
It was a needle tip with a filter built into it... I couldn't use that.. so it was useless... Fuck, I thought... I had no filter... I guess I'm going to have to use part of a cotton ball..

I reached into the cupboard, and grabbed a cotton ball.. and ripped off a small amount.. I sat it on the plate..
I took one needle out of the package, and I opened up the bottle of water.. I took the orange cap off the needle, and I sucked up some of the water..

I was feeling sick at this point.. and I was vibrating like a massage chair... I was nervous, and scared about what I was doing..

I sucked up half the syringe full of water up.. and sprayed it into the spoon, all over the powder...
I stirred it up with a toothpick.. which I also wiped down with an alcohol swab..
I sat the spoon on the stove.. and cooked the mixture until it just started to bubble..

I took it off the burner, and sat it down on one of the packages the alcohol wipes come in, so the black stuff from the spoon wouldn't go everywhere.

I took a new needle out of the package, pulled the cap off.. and then I chucked the filter in... all the water sucked up into it..
I put the needle tip into the cotton, and pulled back on the plunger.. the clear water came rushing into it..
I did it right...

I turned it upside down, and started flicking it... I got all of the air bubbles out of I put the cap back on.. and cleaned up my mess while it cooled down..
I put everything in the garbage except the needles. I chucked them back in the bag.
Once it was all cleaned up.. I went into the dinning room of my house..

I sat down in the chair, and pulled off my sock..
I wiped down the top of my foot with an alcohol wipe..
I put on the elastic, and put on a new pair of latex gloves...
I slipped my foot to bring the veins up.. they came up thick and I thought... this is it...

I took the cap off the needle, and I lifted my foot up onto the chair I was sitting on..
I made sure there was no air bubbles in it, and I looked for the vein I was going to use..
I found it..

I took the needle, and shoved it into my vein, I pulled back, and a little blood came.. but I was shaky... I started pushing.. and it burned.. I knew I was missing from what I read...

I pulled it out, and tried it again.. I pushed in, but the pain kept coming..

I stopped, and looked at my foot... it was swelling up... I injected almost all of it, but it didn't go into my veins..

I wiped all the blood off, and took the elastic off.. My foot was swelling up.. and I started to get really scared..

I read about abscesses, and I was terrified I might have got one...
What could I tell my mom if I did ? I started to cry... I was so scared... I read that you could lose your foot if you do it wrong... I was scared... I thought about calling my mom.. but then she would know... there was nothing I could say that she would believe..

I ran upstairs to the bathtub.. I put hot water on it, then cold water... hot water and cold water... I heard that could help fix an abscess.. it was still swollen up on the top.. I was reallllly getting scared..
I put polysporn on it, and then a big bandage.

I cleaned everything up... and went online... I posted under a different name, and told them what I did.. and asked if I would lose my foot..
They all laughed at me... they said "You just missed, you basically skin popped it" I didn't know what this was... and I was still crying.. I asked.. and they said "you'll be fine.. the swelling will go down once the drug absorbs... don't be so stupid next time, and use your arm or an easier vein..

I thought to myself  "fuck this... I'm NEVER going to try this again... And I didn't... for almost 2 years..

I poured out a 30mg pill, and snorted it, along with the rest of the 12mg pill..

I laid down, and played some video games... I got high from snorting it.. and I thought to myself  "I'm gonna stick with this.. it's safer"

After a few hours, I went to the hospital.. I told them I was having a panic attack... which I did get sometimes, but I knew how to deal with them..

Once they took me into one of the rooms, and said "the doctor will be with you shortly.. I threw away the needles I bought into the safe sharps containers they had on the wall there..

The doctor came in, asked me a few questions, and I left with a prescription for 60 Ativan... I was happy again.. "Legal drugs? I thought... this is great!"

I went to the other pharmacy... got my Ativan, and went home..
-End


Now, I wish I could say I never injected after that, but most of you know it's not true... the good thing about this situation was it scared me away from it for a while... the bad part, is I still wanted to know how it felt... The trip reports I read sounded amazing.. so eventually I ended up doing it.. but that's not coming for a while.. Thanks for reading guys!

-Neil Calder

Addiction is growing... Part 2.


So now I was intrigued by this... I read up on it as soon as I got home..

If I could save tonnes of money.. and always stay high... wouldn't that be worth it?
I was high when I was thinking of all of this..

I started reading up about it... how to do it.. how it would work..  how it felt.
I first went on a website called erowid ... it's a website about drugs.. it has information on almost every abusable drug. I used to read it before I used any drug... so I would know how much to use for my body type, and weight.

I read up best places to inject... what to do before and after... for a safe injection, just like a doctor.
I figured out everything I would need..

I would need alcohol wipes, clean diabetic needles, either a pinwheel filter, or a micron filter.. I would need polysporn to prevent scaring and I would need sterile water to prevent cotton fever.

Cotton fever is a sickness you can get when injecting... if you inject a small piece of cotton, or even dirt or dust that falls into your spoon, you get violently ill... you get the shakes, and can't stop shaking for anywhere between 30 minutes to a few hours.. you feel cold, and feel like you're going to throw up.. So needless to say I wanted to avoid that.

I walked over to the pharmacy that day, and asked for some diabetic needles "For my friend" .. I was only 16 years old... and they said to me "You're going to need to get your friend to come in a get them" ... "OK" I said... "I'll tell  him that" ..

I was so worried that they would tell my parents... "Fuck this" I thought "This was a horrible idea, I'm going to get in shit.. why the hell would I even do this?"

I went home, and went on line.... I read up about purchasing needles... I wanted to see if you needed to be a diabetic to get them.. it said on line that anyone can buy them.. they're no illegal, you just have to ask a pharmacist and they'll order them for you..

I thought about what I was going to do.. I gave up on this idea today... I would hold off until tomorrow.. then I would decide... did I even want to inject? I never wanted to before..
Maybe I could ask that girl for a clean one? ... but would she actually give me a clean one? What if she had a disease and she gave it to me ? ... yuck... I couldn't have that..

I spent the rest of the day looking up how to do it, and how much I would need... how to hide it from people, things like that..

I decided I would try it tomorrow.. and this time I wasn't going to wuss out.. I had to try it..

Addiction is growing part 1..


I was off for a few days..

I still have over 100 dollars.. and I had an 8mg pill..
I walked the long walk to Marcus's house..

The whole walk there.. I felt sick... I knew 8mg's would just barely take the edge off, but it wouldn't be enough to get me high..
So once I finally got there, at 8:00am.. I went in and saw him, I bought my pills... I bought two 30mg hydromorphone capsules, and 3 8mg dilaudids too..
I talked to him for a bit, he asked me if I could bring him some cartons of export green smokes..
I told him I would try, and I left..

I walked out of the rooms, down the long hallway and into the kitchen.. and there was a girl there named Rebbecca... She was cooking pills in a spoon on the stove.. she said to me "Why don't you shoot up with me? I've got a clean rig" .. I said "No, I don't shoot up.. I just snort them" .. She then said "Well you're wasting them like that.. how many Mg's do you need to do in order to get high?"  "... Umm, I dunno, 24 Mg's at least? "
Well, if you shot just one 8mg pill you'd get so high.. and you would end up saving money!"

I thought about it for a second.. it seemed to make sense, it would cost me less... "But I'd never shoot up in my life" I thought... "Sorry Becca, I'm just gonna snort them.. Can I do them here?" "Yeah, but be quick"

She gabbed me a plate and a spoon.. I crushed a 30mg pill and an 8... and made 3 big lines and snorted them..
"Wow" she said "that's a lot of dope to be snorting.. what a waste... that would have lasted me all day"

I was starting to get high, and she was finally done doing her ritual of cooking the pill... she chucked in a piece of a cigarette filter.. and all the liquid disappeared.. Then she took the cover off of a clean needle (also called a rig, works, or sharps) .. she put the tip of the needle into the cotton, and pulled the plunger back..
.. She tipped the needle straight up, and started flicking it with her index finger... there was air bubbles in it, and she was knocking them to the top..
She then pushed forward on the plunger until a tiny bit of liquid came out.

She tied a belt around her arm, and flexed her hand a few times.. her veins popped right up.. She took the needle, and shoved it into her arm.. I watched.. fixated on what I was seeing.. I've never seen this in real life before... She pulled back gently on the plunger.. and I saw the needle fill with a little blood... She let the belt go out of her mouth, and started to push on the plunger.. once in was in her.. she put the cap back on, and chucked it back up into the cupboard..

She sat down, and as soon as she did.. she leaned forward.. and moaned... she sat like that for about 2-3 minutes... she got up.. looked at me.. and said "WOW!... What a rush!".
"how are you feeling?" .. "I'm just starting to get my rush now, but I feel great.. "

The early morning sunrise was shinning through the window..

"You don't feel as good as I feel" she said.. "Probably not, but I've got my addiction under control" ..
No you don't... you're just as bad as me" she said... you just hide it better.. "
I said bye, and left... and walked the long walk home... I stopped at Tims to get a coffee before heading home..

The whole time I was thinking... "Is it really worth it?... why does it feel so good? "
I was walking and thinking about it...
I always pictured it as something gross and disgusting.. like tones of guys and girls in a rundown shack all shooting up with dirty needles and water.. getting hep c and H.I.V..

But she looked clean... I didn't even know she did drugs at first.. it looked almost like a medial procedure..
This was done in a clean house... with clean sterile equipment.. She looked like a doctor giving a patient a shot... This really changed my view on injecting.. it felt weird... "Is it really that bad? I thought?"
I went home..

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Lunch break..

So, I made it through my calls... all messed up... talking a mile a minute.. I was a good worker when I was there.. even when I was high.. I could make lots of sales; And the customers loved me.

I had maybe 10 minutes till I could leave for lunch.. I wanted to collect this transfer.. I signed out in training mode? or something like that, and left.

I walked out the front doors after locking my computer... and I went to western union... which wasn't very far from work.. I went in, and grabbed a collect sheet.. I filled it out, and passed the sheet in to the worker.


"It's for $350.00 ?" he said... "Yes?" "OK sir, what's it for? " ... I said "well, even though I don't have to answer that, it's for a video game system I'm selling on line"

"Oh, OK... Do you want check or cash?"  ... "Cash please"

I was really nervous.. I thought maybe I got busted for what I was doing... but nope, I got the money and left out the door..

I walked to McDonalds, and bought a meal, ate it... then went back to work.
My supervisor saw me, and said to me "Why did you sign out 10 minutes early?" " I told you I was sick... I had to run to the bathroom" "Oh, OK.. but listen Neil, one of the workers here said that you're doing the dillies"

Shittttttt... I thought.. What could I even say ?

"Dillies? ... do you mean dilaudids? " "Yes, but he told me they call them dillies"
Well, it's not any of your business, or anyone else's... but I'm prescribed hydromorphone 8 mgs every 4-6 hours."  "Oh, OK... sorry for asking, we just need to check up on things" "well I'm not a drug addict, I use them for chronic pain from an accident I had.. I can bring in my prescription if you'd like" .. "No, that's fine Neil, I just had to check it out.. I'm sorry" and then he walked away..

As soon as he turned away from me, I turned.. and took a deep breath.... "wow" I thought... "I almost lost my job and got caught.. he could have called the police on me"

I was pretty worried, and I went to the bathroom, and snorted 3 more 8's..
I went back to work, and finished the rest of the day up..

A girl I knew was driving me back.. I got her to drop me off about a 10 minute walk from home...
I walked to Marcus's and bought some pills, and gave him 100dollars on my bill.
I walked home, and stopped at Tim hortons first and met up with two of my friends.

I snorted a few pills in the bathroom.. and when I was doing my last pill, some big guy looked through the crack... "He's doing drugs in there! " he yelled when he left the bathroom... I did the last one, and washed the powder off my face.. and walked out... me and the other two guys took off and walked to the medical center.

I bought a gram somewhere along the way, and we all smoked up... sitting talking..
I didn't share much of what was going on in my life, but they knew I was using drugs a little bit.. just not to the extent of my actually habit.

We chilled the rest of the night, and I walked home... mom was still up, and she was watching tv..

I remember she asked me "are you OK?" "What do you mean mom?"
..."Well, Are you OK?" "Of course I am... Do you mean am I on drugs? Because I'm not... I told you, I'm done with that"  "OK Hun, I was just checking"

My mother loved me.. and I think she kind of knew I might have been using then.. but in her own heart she prayed I wasn't.... So she wanted to believe what I was saying..

I went to bed early that night... I had to work the next day..

.. Now, in my next few blogs I'm going to be getting into a bit of trouble..

Tomorrow, I'm writing 3 blogs that are important... So I suggest you read them around 4:00pm.(AST)

Thanks guys!

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Late for work..

I was working at a call center in Amherst..
Everyday up to this point I was high at work...

But today, I didn't have any drugs, or money.. and I was dreading facing the day without them.
I needed to find another way to get money.

I asked mom and dad to borrow money, it was a Saturday, and I think they gave me 10 dollars.. it might have been 20.. but this still wasn't enough.  It would cost me 35 dollars a day just so I wouldn't be sick.

I had a few hours before work.. So I grabbed my volunteer sheets and made my way around town.
The first hour, I made around 20 dollars.. I had another hour before dad was driving me to work. So I ended up pretty far from home.

I made over 100 dollars, and I headed for home..
I remember one girl I asked got mad at me, and slammed the door in my face and I didn't think anything of it.. that's until I almost got to Marcus's house..
A cop car pulled up beside me, and called me over to the car.
"Hey Neil .. what are you canvasing for?"

He took me to the police station..

I told him who I was canvasing for, and I gave him the phone numbers needed to check it out.. I told him how much I made, and he asked me how I was doing.. I told him I've been sober since our last encounter..
When he sat with me in the back of an ambulance going to the I.W.K.

They had a very good reason to be suspicious.. and this was a pretty low move on my end.. 16 years old and scamming innocent charities.. Everything checked out, and he had to let me go. I covered all my bases in case something like this arose. I used my mind for bad things instead of good.. and later in my blogs you'll really see this pattern. I wasted my potential while I was using.. I could have been something.
I'm just glad I have a second chance to make something of myself. instead of wasting away, and living a sad and lonely life as an addict.

So, I was already late for work.. I should have gone right home, and left for work.. but I needed drugs..
So I made the long walk to Marcus's house..which was far from my home.. And went in.
I bought 10 8mg pills for 100 dollars, and left.. I had to "borrow" 25 dollars worth from him.. but I wanted to make sure I had enough for the next day at work.. I couldn't run out.

I remember when I got home.. Dad was MAD at me. "Do you realize what time it is? you're already 10 minutes late for work, and it's a 20 minute drive there... Where were you? What were you doing?"
I changed the clock on my cell phone to an hour earlier.. I showed him, and told him I wasn't late.. I pretended that it wasn't my fault.. I can't remember what lie I used.. but I think he had an idea I was up to something.

I remember when I got to work, a half hour late.. I went to my supervisor, and told him I was sick on the way up here. I told him I took a gravol, and I was feeling better. I said I had to go to the bathroom, then I'd be right out on the floor... He believed me, and said "Take your time Neil"

..And take my time I did..

I crushed up 3 pills.. made three lines.. and as soon as I snorted the first one.. I coughed, and blew the other two lines away.. all over the bathroom floor..
"Fuck" I thought...I'm gonna need to do 2 more, then I won't have enough for tomorrow night..

I snorted two more, plus the little bit of powder that was left after blowing it away...
I went outside, and had a few puffs off a smoke.. I went to the pop machine, and bought a cola..
I went to my locker.. and locked my drugs up in it, and took my headset out.

I walked to my computer.. at least 20 minutes after I talked to my supervisor..
I sat down, and checked my emails before I started taking calls. There was an email from a kid from one of the drug message boards " You haven't collected the western union transfer yet.. Are you going to? Is this deal still on?"

I couldn't believe I forgot a transfer.. how stupid was I?
I emailed him back, and just said I was busy with work.. he emailed me back all of the info, and the amount of the transfer.

I told him I'd collect it on my lunch break, and I would send the package out Monday morning.
I couldn't believe my luck.. I always ended up finding a way to obtain drugs and money..
I started taking calls and I was starting to get high... Nothing could ruin my good mood today.. or could it..

-Neil

Monday, March 12, 2012

Charitable Addict

I was always short on money.. and I would come up with many ideas to stay high..
This meant stealing, and being manipulative..

I've exhausted most of my resources by this point.. I remember I woke up one morning and only had one 8 left.
At this point I needed at least 2 just so I wouldn't be sick.
I remember I went to my parents freezer, and took some expensive meats, and traded them to Marcus for 2 24mg capsules.

I came home and snorted the 8mg pill and a 24mg capsule... I was feeling pretty high.. and decided to go on the computer.. I can't remember what site I went on, but it was asking for donations..
This gave me an idea... People always donate money, and they never ask questions.. it seemed too easy.

I contacted a charity in halifax, and told them I'd be canvasing for them. I made my own donation sheets, receipts and made them look professional.. I copied their logo and everything when I made the sheets on my parents good printer.

Now, growing up.. I used to be in cadets, and did a lot of charity work for UNICEF, the heart and stroke foundation, cancer research and the I.W.K,
So, when I went door to door, people didn't really think it was a scam.

I dressed up as nice as I could, and even had a tie on. I got a folder, and made a sealed can. I also had a deposit bag, and a ledger to make receipts.
I wrote what I was going to say down..
"Hello sir/mam. My name is Neil Calder.. I'm canvasing on behalf of __________ and we could really use your support.. did you know that 75% of your donation goes towards.... "

I practiced this in the mirror over and over... once I had it down pact, I headed out to my neighborhood..
I remember I didn't even make it around the block, and I made $50.00.
I went right to Marcus's once I had enough for a 30mg pills... went home, snorted it... and went back out.

That first day, I made over 250 dollars..
I bought a stamp, and mailed the charity 50 dollars..
When I intoduced myself.. I really should have said " Do you know that 80% of your donation goes to me? and my drug habit? Thanks for your continued support!"

Thinking back on this, I feel a lot of guilt.. at the time, I sent a small precentage to the chairty to ease my mind about what I was doing.
I thought I was on to something.

I skipped so much school to get high... I used to make great marks.. but school really didn't seem important to me. I would use my intelagance to fund my drug habit, and come up with sneaky ways to obtain drugs.
If I had of put half of my effort into studying and school, I would probably be in university right now.

I regret every bad thing I did.. and I still have amends to make.. that's why I'm using my free time to give back to this world. I took and took for so many years, that it's time for me to make up for what I did.

Now, I would love to tell you I got caught right away and got in trouble for my actions.. but the truth it I didn't for a while. I did this quite a few times..

Sorry to cut this short, but I'm applying for jobs and working on my resume.

I'll write another one later today. Thanks for reading guys!