Friday, April 27, 2012

Problem Solver..

It's weird, but most drug addicts are actually quite intelligent, they just use that creativeness and intelligence for the wrong things..

It was a Friday morning... And I was broke...
I started up the computer, and within 2 hours I had close to 500 dollars..

I went and bought my fix, then went to inject it at a "friends" house..
I gave him a pill to cook mine up and inject it for me..
I left there.. and went straight to the hospital...

Like I said before, I had to start serving my weekend sentence.. But being a drug addict.. there was no way I could actually bring them in on me.. unless I wanted to bring them "In me" .. but that wasn't happening..
I needed a plan..

And within minutes, I thought of one..

I went to outpatients.. and complained enough until the doctor gave me a prescription to an anti-depressant.. and the largest one they make... He offered me another one called welbutrin.. but I turned it down, because that wouldn't help my situation.. I needed a capsule..

I took the prescription into the pharmacy and got it filled..
I then went home, and started to open the pills up, and empty them down the sink..

They were full of beads, just like hydromorph contin pills were.. They were a little smaller, but No one would notice..

I would be there from 8 at night on Friday, till 8 in the morning on Monday..
I was supposed to take 2 pills a day... one at 8 in the morning, and one at 8 at night..

I took 6 empty capsules, and filled them full of hydromorphone contin beads..
A 30mg pill would fit perfectly into them.. They were pretty much the same size..
I was also on 8 Xanax .5's a day... 2 pills 4 times a day..
So I took just as many pills as I needed in the pill bottles.. And left the rest at home.. Minus a few I was taking right before going in there..

It was around 6:00pm, and I went back to my "Friends" house to "Shoot up" One last time before going to jail... I couldn't sneak a needle in, so I would have to snort them.
It almost made me mad, because I could inject half a 30mg hydromorphone pill, and feel the same as if I snorted 2 full 30mg pills... With an even better rush..

I got a good deal on the pills today, but normally they would have cost 35-40 dollars each if I didn't have that cheap source... at $40.00 a pill, times 6.. that's almost 250 dollars, just for the weekend.. And I needed this EVERY weekend, just not to be sick..

My mom came to pick me up... and I jumped in the car.. it was around 6:30pm now, and I only had an hour and a half to get there...
On the drive up, mom bought me some take-out.. I ate it, and asked her to drop me off at tim hortons..
I told her I would see her on Monday, and gave her a kiss and a hug..

Right across from tims used to be a pharmacy.. It was the pharmacy the jail used... I knew this from my short stay there before.. and knew they put everything in blister packs..
I went to the back of the store, and waited in line... time was ticking.. I had to be there in 45 minutes or so, and there was an older woman infront of me, taking forever and asking a million questions.

I finally got the to pharmacist, and told her my predicament, and that my medication needed to be in a blister pack in order to receive it there... I asked her how much it would cost, and she told me she would do it for free..

Being suspicious, I stuck around and watched her, to make sure she didn't take the same type of medication from her stock and use it to replace mine... She didn't.. and I instantly had a smile on my face.

..She passed me two blister packs, and I was on my way back to Tims.. I brought some seram wrap, and decided to try to sneak some Tobacco in with me.. I took 10 cigarettes apart, and took out my pack of papers, and put 20 or so papers in with it.. I rolled it up really tight, and really small.. and hid it in my coat... I knew they strip searched you, so I had to make sure I could get away with it somehow..

I took roughly 10 xanax, and lit a smoke.. I walked across the street, and waited outside the entrance door to the jail..
I finished my smoke, then rang the buzzer... As soon as I pressed it, I lit up another smoke.

I pulled 2 smokes out of my pack, and planned on dropping them in the exercise yard while I was walking in the main yard.. but he was right beside me, and there was cameras everywhere.

I went to the front desk, and signed in.. I handed them my medication cards, and they handed me a bag of jail clothing.. They told me to take it into the holding cells, and someone would be with me shortly... I tried to find the package of tobacco, but I couldn't reach it ... The second I knocked it loose, a guard was right there, ready to pat me down..

He told me to take off my coat, and set in the closed cell... I slid it through the bars, with the pocket facing towards me, in-case I got a change to grab it..

He patted me down, then told me to strip down..
I had to take off all my clothes, while he ordered me to shake my hair, open my mouth, lift my tongue.. and finally bend over and cough.. It was humiliating.. but that's what you get when you break the law..

I put on the clothes, and he told me to sit there for a minute while he got ready to bring me upstairs..
As soon as he left I stood up, and started to walk around... I heard them yell "Calder, sit back down on the bench" ... He saw me on the camera... I guess I wasn't smoking this weekend..

He brought me up, and took me to a room with 9 beds in it, and 5 or 6 other guys... I grabbed a bed close to the tv hanging on the wall, and un-packed all of my stuff..
I went to brush my teeth, then came out... And there was an officer there... "Calder" He said..
My heart sunk...

"Come here for a second"... I thought he found the tobacco, or worse yet figured out about the pills..
...But he was just standing there with my medication cards.. I told him I needed the Pink ones firs..
He then poppd out an anti-depressant. and handed it to me.. I put it in my mouth, under my tongue.. and drank an entire cup of water in front of him.. I said thanks, and sat back down...

As soon as he left, I spit it out.. and took it apart..




Thursday, April 26, 2012

Back home..

Before I stayed the night there, I decided to call my parents..

They asked me if I would come down and talk to them...
No matter what I did, or how much I hurt them... They still loved me. I was their son, They were there for me..
But they didn't want to see me with no place to go..

As soon as I went there, they were at the door hugging me... I had just done something horrible, yet they loved me.. They cared about me, and they wanted me back home.
They hoped and prayed that this would wake me up.. That maybe I would get it this time..

After an hour long talk in the kitchen, they told me I could come back home.. I had to stay sober, but as long as I did that, I didn't have to do anything else.. Just stay clean, and I was welcome there..

Now after everything that happened, you'd think this would be easy... but after I woke up the next morning.. The cravings started.. and there was no stopping them..

I woke up, and the first thing I thought of was getting high.. I couldn't think of anything else. I was consumed..
I looked everywhere for money, and I couldn't come up with anymore than 10 dollars.. I didn't know what I was going to do..

I was speaking with a guy I knew, and they told me that a guy we knew was looking for meat, and cleaners of all things..
And he was trading pills for them..


Wow, I thought... I know how to get a pill today..

I went to the deep freeze in my basement... We always had a lot of meat.. my parents would go to the meat market and pick a lot of things up at once.. So I knew I could take some stuff without them noticing..
I grabbed a few bags full... Then went to the cleaning cupboard..
I took a bunch of cleaners we had two of, or didn't use much..
Some of them weren't full... So, being an addict, I did what I thought was a "smart" idea.. I filled them to the top with water.. "They would never know" I told myself..

I took the long walk, in the winter.. with my bags in hand, I finally made it to the guys house, and made a trade.
He gave me some pills, and I went to go use with the guy I started injecting with....

His house wasn't too far from where I was... Maybe a 10 minute walk... but I could barely make it..
I was gagging, and coughing.. My stomach was twisting and turning.. I don't know why.. but when I would score, I would almost instantly go into some sort of withdrawal.. The cravings were that powerful..

As soon as the pills would be in my hand, I would feel sick, and gag..
I would also get excited.. I felt like I won the lottery every single time.. The emotions it evoked were powerful, and impacted everything in my life..

He wasn't there.. His girlfriend let me in... and told me he would be back soon..
Waiting for him was like waiting for a dentist to pulling a tooth... you dreaded it.. and it honestly took forever.
It took him maybe 30 minutes to get home.. but it felt like a week..

He finally got there, and as soon as he saw me he knew what I wanted.. he said hey, and went stright to grab our tools.. It only took him a minute to get ready.. and I had my sleeve pulled up..
As soon as it hit me.. it was instant relief.. No more searching, no more craving.. You take the tie off.. and within a few seconds, it hits you in the chest like a hammer.. Without the pain, it's so powerful, and such an extreme feeling, that once you're addicted you're willing to do almost anything..

This happened for the next few days.. but I ran into a problem.. it was Friday, and I had to go to jail from Friday at 8 to Monday at 8am..

I couldn't go this long without a fix.. or I would be extremely sick by the second day..
With this new challenge, came new solutions... It didn't seem like anything would stand in my way of using drugs... I just needed to be a little more creative...

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Contact me..

If anyone would like to ask me a question, or make a comment.. Please feel free to email me at neilcalder1@gmail.com
Or add me to face book.
Anything you tell me is kept in extreme confidentiality.. I'm only here to help, listen and offer advice.
I get emails every single day asking me questions.. and I LOVE answering them!

Also, I'm speaking at a doctors conference tomorrow, and I'm super excited! I'll let you guys know how it went!
My life is great... It's NEVER been better... and I've NEVER been happier than I am now! Drugs are useless.. Unless they're prescribed by a doctor for a legitimate reason, drugs never need to be abused. There's other ways to deal with your problems that are more productive and make you life A LOT better.
Drugs are never the answer for anything.


Thank you all.

Have a great day.

Part 5 -Also my 100th post-

Sorry I haven't been posting as much as normal.. I just started working back-shifts, and I just sleep when I get home.. I've got a few days off, and although i'm busy preparing for tomorrow, i've got to get back to my blog. I miss it, and actually get cravings to write more.. So here it goes..

.. I couldn't believe the way it made me feel..
I couldn't imagine that anything could change the world and everything you saw in it.. I instantly wanted this feeling again... and for the rest of my natural born life...


I still remember I was sitting in a rocking chair..
My eyes closed... head sunk down into a chair.. and once the drug flew through my system... I could understand how there was drug addicts who used needles... if you try it once.. you don't think about anything else.. That's why prevention is the best deterrent for drug addiction... Education and examples work better than any detox or program ever will... Preventing it from even starting is the main part we need to focus on.. 

It's hard to describe..
But it INSTANTLY makes you feel like everything was OK, and you were doing well.. life was good.
I'll give a quick example... I was living in the slums of Dartmouth and hanging around Halifax (this is WAY ahead of this story)

I was on the ferry from Halifax that crosses over to Dartmouth..  I was sitting at the top of it, in a remote section.. I injected... put the cap of the needle back on, and sat there with my head between my knees... half asleep.. feeling this warmth travel through my body.. 
I threw my needle over the side of the boat.. and as soon as I did, I heard people yelling..

"He just through a needle overboard!" .. I can't remember what I said at first.. I was in a daze... I think I said "It wasn't my needle, I just saw it in the chair next to me so I threw it away from me"
Some girl said something about using a garbage can.. Then to tell the captain to call the police..
I went to the middle deck.. right by the doors.. and waited for them to open... once they did I just kept walking home fast..... yes, life was good I was thinking... it's a beautiful day outside.. Nothing can stop me...

The sad part is I was now a junkie... I had just stolen 500 dollars worth of groceries to get my fix for the day, and I still thought my life was going well... it tricks you; pulls a Vail over your eyes.. and you can't see the truth..

... Anyway, once I came to.. I said "That was the best feeling I've ever felt... Better than the first time I had sex"
And that's almost what it's like... like a full body orgasm, only more intense.. it's warm.. cozy.. and wraps you in euphoria and a pleasure blanket.. with your blinders to reality on..

I went into his bedroom, and talked to his girlfriend, watched some movies.. and I thought my life was prefect right now... little did I know it was about to crash into a million little pieces..

We used like that a few more times... It was amazing.. We would inject 4-5 times a day.. I thought this was perfect... This was the life I wanted to live now-Crazy way of thinking.. but that's addiction-

So I was walking down town to get a pack of smokes after injecting..
A police car drove past me.. and kept going... I was sure they knew nothing...
Until it turned back around, and came up the other side of the street... they stopped right in front of me..
"Fuckkk" I thought... They rolled the window down...

"Neil, Why don't you come over here for a second... I walked over...
They said "Why don't you get in, and we can have a chat?" ... I acted like I knew nothing....
"Talk about what?" "I think you know... Now we can do this the easy way, or the hard way..." .. I'll walk down there" I said... And I did..

The police station wasn't very far from where I was.. but my heart was beating pretty fast..

As I walked down.. I didn't know what to think... They didn't know anything.. There's No way they could have.. not now anyway... unlessssss..

I got there, and rang the buzzer... They let me in..
They asked me a bunch of questions... they KNEW exactly why I did... They knew EXACTLY what day it was.. and I knew how they knew all of this.. but that doesn't matter anymore. I'm glad I got caught for this. 

I still denied, denied, denied... I said, "I was never in there.. and there's no proof of me being in there, because I wasn't.."
"Well Neil, we've been talking to some people, We  also found blood on the floor and on a filing cabine twhere you tried to break it open with a knife,but the knife broke and you got cut... show me your hands and forearms"
" I don't need to.. I didn't do anything wrong.. and unless you're going to charge me... I'd like to leave"

Well, if you had nothing to hide, you would show us what's under your sleeves to prove yourself..

I rolled up my sleeves.. and showed her... I had a cut.... "Whats that from" she said... " When I was sledding, I went into the woods and scratched it when I put my hands up to block myself from getting hurt"

"Neil, just admit it"... "I didn't do anything"... "Well, we have enough to make you get a D.N.A order.. so the blood on the floor won't have your D.N.A in it Neil? "If you just cooperate you'll get less time.. if we have to go through all the work of getting your d.n.a tested, and everything... you'll end up getting prison time"

I was scared... I finally said "OK, I did it.. I did it by myself on Christmas ever night and that's all I have to say... so take me to jail"

"Where are the computers Neil?" I don't know... I met some guy from Toronto who was down... I sold them to him... I don't know his name" ..

"Now, I know that's a lie Neil.. and so do you... so just tell me where they are, and maybe you can get a mischief charge"

"I don't know.. I told you the truth, I was on a whole bottle of ativan and drinking at the same time Sorry, I just don't remember his name... Now can I go to the county?"


That night sucked... I had to sleep in the local police cells... I smoked a few smokes.. and passed out..
I woke up, and went to court... I plead guilty, and they held sentencing off until I could get some stuff ready with my lawyer regarding my sentence..
I went back to the holding cells for a while, waiting to get picked up... I looked through my coat again, just for shits... because I was getting really sick...

And low and behold I found 4 8's...

I asked the sheriffs at the desk about 40 feet away from me  for a magazine, a pencil and piece of paper.. They handed them to me...
I crushed the pills with the side of the pencil.. but some of the yellow came off onto the pills... So I just used my glasses... I crushed pills with the lenses from my glasses... In the same courthouse cell I used drugs in the other time I got arrested....

I snorted them... and I wasn't sick anymore..

I went back to the Amherst jail for 3 more nights... I went to court, and I was sentenced to 90 days of  weekends...  and 2 years of probation with strict curfew and restrictions... Which was actually an easy sentence considering what I did... and the "hard" attitude I had when I was first arrested.. I was also ordered to pay them 500 dollars..

I remember they had taken me to the doctors while I was there.. the doctor gave me Tylenol 3's and Valium to help with the withdrawals...
I asked them if I could keep them because I was on my way out the door... He said no.. but I could take 2 Valium and 2 30mg codeine pills since it was close to pill time..

I took them, and called a guy I knew to pick me up... I instantly asked him to take me to the guys place I was injecting with,...

When we got there, I asked the guy driving me if he'd lend me 20 bucks, because I was sick..
He said he didn't have it... but he came inside with me...
I asked the guy if he had anything... I told him I was sick, and I NEEDED something, and since I gave him a lot of pills the few nights before that he should hook me up...
He told me he was broke too... I was mad.. I thought he was lying..

..Then he said "Well I have this computer to sell... If I sell it I'll buy us each a pill"
The guy who drove me said "how much do you want for it?" "40 bucks"
"Deal... Here's your money"
He took the computer and left... and as soon as my drive left... so did buddy to go buy us each a pill...

He was back in 10 minutes.. but the wait felt a lot longer than that..
I was in his bathroom with diarrhea and I was gagging... trying not to throw up... Withdrawal was starting to set in hard... I needed this... I was super excited to feel it again..

When he got back, I already had my needle, spoon, and cotton ready.. and the stove was on...
I also had the plates out...

He had a 30 mg capsule, and poured half out onto my plate... I crushed it up... cooked it, and sucked it up..
Then I asked him to hit me...

I tied off, and he stick the needle in, and already had it in me before I could get a word out...
I took the tie off... and not even 5 seconds after that I felt it... The amazing rush... the thing i've been craving like crazy for..

My stomach tightened up, so did my bowels, and everything relaxed.. and my bones didn't hurt anymore... I felt on top of the world..

I had to place to go... so I went to a friends house I knew.. and they said I could stay there..
I helped them clean up, they had a big mess from their new years party a day or 2 before...
I told them I'd be right back... and I went to my parents house... And they told me I could stay there again.. but I had to be drug free... I told them I was... and surprisingly, they agreed that I looked sober..

I told them "I can't believe my life got this out of control, I'll never take them again in my life"
They believed me.... or wanted to believe me... so they let me stay...
But that didn't last long at all... and I'll get more into this..

This story gets A LOT worse before it gets any better... so be prepared.

-Neil

Friday, April 20, 2012

Part 4..

{Well my article is in the chronicle herald now..

I'm really happy with the outcome and the hits I'm getting to my blog.. I've only gotten 2 emails since it came out.. One was great.. The other... Not so much.

With everything I've done, I expect it, and it really doesn't bother me..
I'm proud of everything I've done, and everything I've accomplished. I changed my life for the better.. And that's about the only thing I could have done to actually have a life..

Thanks to everyone who's supported me, and helped me promote my blog.. I appreciate it more than you know. }




.. I got home, and went to bed..

I woke up in the morning, and was trying to remember the night before..
Mixing drugs like that really effects your memory, and you black out a lot..
I thought maybe this was all a bad dream... I couldn't have done that last night.. there was no way..

But after a quick search through my pockets.. I realized it was all to real.. and there was nothing I could do..
I panicked.. I felt scared.. What was I going to do?

I went downstairs... we opened presents, and didn't talk about the night before..
I left early, and didn't go home for quite some time..

I left and bought some drugs.. It was hard to find someone to sell to me on Christmas morning.. but there's always people wanting to make money..
I went back to the apartment complex where I had a spoon and a plate..

I crushed up the pills and inhaled through my nose... I sat on a chair that was in the lobby..
I didn't know what to think.. or what to do.. I was stressed, and full of anxiety.. how could I have done that? would I get caught? would I go to jail?

I bought 10 Valium while I bought the dilaudids... And I took everyone of them with a drink from the tap..
I sat in that chair for over an hour... smoking cigarette after cigarette .. thinking of what I had become..

Once the Valium kicked in... I didn't care anymore..
They do something to you.. it's like drinking a lot of alcohol, your inhibitions seem to melt away, and you really don't care what's going on around you.. you're just numb.

.. What was I going to do?

Being an addict, the only viable option was drugs..
So I sat and thought about how I could make more money, and buy more drugs..
I don't remember when I actually decided to go back.. but I did..

I snuck back in, and took whatever I thought I could make money off off.. computers, and monitors.. stuff like that.. I took it to a guy I knew, and sold them to him.. Then I went to Marcus and bought some more pills..

I had one small computer left.. and I asked Marcus if he wanted it.. he told me to plug it in, and I did.. but it didn't work at the time.. he told me he didn't want it.. he only wanted cash.. but while I was there, there was another addict from town that I knew..
"I'll give you 20 dollars for it" he said... "Sure"

So I bought my drugs... I bought a lot... I can't remember how many exactly, but it was enough for a few days of constantly using..
While I was there.. the guy I just sold the computer to -Chad- Asked me if I wanted to come over..

Not really having another place to go.. I decided it would be a good idea..
We walked to his house together.. and went in.
I didn't know him very well.. I had only seen him once or twice while I was buying..
I knew he injected though, so I was a little skeptical of going over at first... but I couldn't very well go home..

We sat at his house using.. he injected... I snorted.. and we both passed out..

I woke up the next day.. and he was already getting ready to cook up another pill... I still had quite a few pills.. but I knew they wouldn't last... So he asked me... "You wanna try injecting?"

.. I was nervous..  but a little excited..

Eventually I decided I would.. I asked him if he had a clean needle..

He looked around, and finally found one..

I reached into my pocket and pulled out a 30 mg pill..

He crushed it up, and grabbed a spoon from the drawer.. I poured the fine powder into the spoon, and took my needle and sucked up 2 syringe fulls of water..
He squirted it into the spoon, then sat it on the stove..

I watched it start to bubble up a little, as he mixed it with the back of the syringe..
He took it off the burner, and chucked a piece of cigarette filter in the mix...
He took my needle, and sucked up over half of the syringe full of the lightly grainy colored mixture..

He held it up, and flicked it a few time...

While he was doing this.. I washed my arm and used an alcohol wipe on it..
I wanted to be careful.. Which seems sort of irrelevant in a situation like this.. but I didn't want to get an infection or virus..

I used a string from my hoody to tie my arm off with.. and squeezed my fist a few times...
I was really skinny, and my veins looked huge... he asked me if I was ready... I took a few deep breaths to stop myself from shaking.. and said yes..

He poked it in... it hurt for a second, and then it was over..
I took off the tie...

I no sooner got "Is that it?" Out of my mouth when I felt it..

It hit me like a freight train..
And my entire world changed..

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Merry Christmas (Part 3)

We walked back to his house, with everything we had..

There wasn't a soul out as it was now Christmas day.. or morning.. It must have been 1-2 am or even later..

I was in a drug induced stupor, and I didn't care.. I had given up at this point..
I felt that I had no one.. that nothing mattered. I felt like the victim in everything, my parents kicked ME out on Christmas.. How could they do that to ME? I didn't for a second stop to think about what my actions were having on my family.. To have them see their own son barely able to keep his head up on Christmas eve..

Having two other sons to worry about, and family coming over to visit.. I believe they asked me to go to my bedroom first, but I refused, that's when they told me to leave..

And having discussed this after everything that happened.. it was one of the hardest things they ever had to do..
It hurt them. and tore them up to even do that to their own son..
They had a lot of guilt, and felt horrible for some of that stuff.. but it was MY fault, they had tried everything within their power to get me help..

And they still didn't give up on me, they just didn't know what else to do..
They would never kick me out for long.. they just couldn't do it... No matter what I did, or how I acted.. I was still their son.. And that kills me.. That I could put them through all of that.

I sometimes ask myself "Will I ever use drugs again?" And I always come up with the same answer..
Sure I have cravings sometimes.. And sometimes when I talk about it, I'll miss the feeling a little..
But what I don't miss.. is how it changed me.. how it twisted my morals.. It was a free for all, and I was only looking out for myself.. No one.. and I mean NO ONE else mattered..

My own mother could cry in front of me, and tell me how much I hurt her by using drugs, and the behaviors associated with it.. and I wouldn't feel anything.. Not even a twinge, until I came down..

Then, why would I want to feel bad? Why would I put myself through any emotional pain.. when for 20 dollars I could make it all go away?

It's sometimes hard to believe I had turned into that monster, but it wasn't ME who was doing all of this.. it was my addiction.. the drugs.. and it's something I've had a very hard time coming to terms with.. It's still hard living with my past.. with the judgment, with people who truly dislike me because of all of this.. Things I wish to make up, that I can't yet..

But I need to move on.. This has all happened for a reason, and I can't let it go to waste..

Sure, drugs are fun.. they feel good.. But everything that happens and the person you change into isn't worth it.
I've honestly NEVER been happier in my life.. I've changed many peoples opinions of me.. and I really want to get across that it can be done.. you don't always have to live your life as an addict.. as a statistic.. doing whatever you can for these drugs you fiend for.. There's hope out there, and a means of becoming sober.. You just need to WANT it.. and you need to fill your time with something productive..

You need to accept that drugs have taken over your life, but you always need to accept that if you ask for help, you'll find it.. There's many great people working in the addiction feild.. People who will listen to you, and won't judge you... People who are there to offer advice..

In Canada, start with addictions services... You don't NEED to go to N.A or A.A..
Even if you're unsure of quiting, make an appointment with a drug counselor.. Just cross that bridge, and go and talk to them... If anything else, it's someone you can tell anything to.. They're bound my confidentiality contracts.. you could tell them you robbed a pharmacy last year, and they're not going to call the police on you.. It's a wonderful feeling to talk to someone, to get things off your chest..

and they have the best resources out there to helping you help yourself. They can get you into programs, or groups.. things you've never heard of..
You can't just give up.. There is a better life out there.. No matter where you came from, or what you've done in your past.. Today is all that matters.. and even though you have an addiction, you can beat it, and overcome the obstacle, and just move on with your life..

There is no life with addiction, it'll never be real, or feel real..
Now this all is my opinion, you may not agree with any of it, and you don't have to.. But if you're stealing money, or sneaking around to support your habit.. do you really have it under control? If you did you would have nothing to hide..

Just something to think about..

Anyway.. getting back to the story...

We were walking back to his house.. it's a small town, and I swear not one car drove past us, and we were carrying a TV we took from there..

Not a light flat-screen... but a large 32 inch or bigger television that must have weighed 40 lbs or more..
Right through the middle of town... the main street, which is actually called MAIN STREET.. after breaking into one of the only things this town has got for it's community..

So we walked into his apartment, or stumbled I suppose.. And I sat the TV down..
We counted the money we had found.. it was over 300-400 dollars.. we split it, and still had a big container of change..

We talked about getting dilaudids.. We decided he would go, because I owed Marcus' 100 dollars..
Plus he wasn't to thrilled with me, as I brought him a gift card that wasn't activated, and told him it was good. I took him a few before that were OK, so he believed me..

So out the door he went..I was pacing in his apartment.. I was coming down, and I was craving opiates like nothing else you could imagine..

He finally came back, all messed up, and barely able to talk... he said he got one, then instantly passed out on the couch.. I tried waking him up.. but he was out like a light.. snoring on the couch... I went through his pockets, and finally found it..

I crushed it up and snorted half of it.. I sat there while he slept, and waited for him to wake up.. I tried waking him up a few times, but he just wouldn't get up..
I sat there thinking... What was I going to do.. It was Christmas.. I started to sober up from the alcohol, and the dilaudids didn't kick in yet.. I was getting scared about what I had done.. I was fucked.. I could go to jail for this...what if I got caught..

I ended up deciding I would go home... I snorted the other half of the pill, and grabbed the container of change and I started  walking home..When I got there the door was Un-locked so I went in..

-Neil

Working on the next blog post now, should be in less than 2 hours..

Thanks guys!

Sorry for the last few days..

Sorry for not posting in a couple of days..
The site I host my blog on wouldn't let me log into my account on Monday/tuesday, then I started a new job Tuesday and worked a back shift..

I'm currently writing a few blogs to make up for the wait, as I've gotten a lot of emails asking where or how I've been..

Things are great, I've just been super busy, and I usually have 10-20 emails a day to respond to regarding my blog/advice.

Just a quick update, I've read my newspaper article, it's finished and sent to press.. It could be out as early as tomorrow, or on the weekend. I'll make a post as soon as I find out letting you guys know. It's in the chorinicle herald, and I'm hoping it will be on their website.. I'm pretty excited about it.

Thanks for bearing with me, but a few new posts will be up within an hour.

-Neil

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Mery Christmas (Part 2)

So we left his house,
then walked over town.. We were both out of our minds, and had no idea where we were going, or what we actually planned on doing..

We basically stumbled over town, and made it to a motel in our town.. I'm not sure exactly what we planned on doing.. but we went up the stairs and started looking around..

We walked down the hallway, and I don't really remember a whole lot of what happened there.. but we were looking in a supply closet, then the guy I was with took off.. I was still in there looking around, and I could hear someone coming... I tried to hide, but he came right through the open door..

It was the owner of the motel, he flew in there and asked me "What the HELL are you doing here??"
.. I thought he was going to hit me he looked so mad.. "Get the hell out of here before I call the police!"
I had to brush past him sideways, then I took off down the hallway and down the back stairs... I ran as fast as I could, and ended back up and the guys house I was hanging out with..

We laughed it off, and talked about what we were going to do..
We thought we cold break into a place and steal something.. We just didn't know where..
I'm not sure who said it, but we decided we would break into the recreation center/ library in town...

It was an older building, so we figured they wouldn't have an alarm system.. We grabbed a butter knife, and went over there..

We walked over to where it was, it wasn't very far away from us..

We walked up to the door of the basement.. which was where the recreation center was located.. 
There was two doors, the first one was sort of a small porch area.. but the first door was unlocked..
We both went in, and shut it behind us.. so no one could see what we were doing..

It's a small town, and around the holidays no one was out... everyone was at home with their families..
but I was up to no good.. and getting worse every day..

We took the butter knife out and pushed it into the side of the door and the door frame.. it popped open in less than 5 seconds.. and we were in..
I unlocked the door and we started looking around..

There wasn't very much downstairs, but there was a back door leading to some stairs to the library part of the building.. It has a small lock on the door.. but it only took a few seconds to get that off..

We walked up the stairs..

No alarms went off, nothing happened.. it was so quiet up there.. and it was sort of eerie..
Just thinking about all of this is hard, and writing it and sharing it is even worse.. This was one of the worst things I've done.. I really wish I could take it back, but it doesn't work like that..
Of all the places that we could have went into.. we picked a place that helps other people, that gives kids something to do after school... This wasn't fair, and I really can't believe that I had in it me to do something like this.. it seems surreal now to think about, but it happened.. and I have to live with it... I just wish I didn't have to..

We looked around everywhere.. we looked in every filing cabinet, and every single drawer and desk..
We ended up finding quite a bit of money.. They were selling tickets on a gift basket, and we foumd that.. We found jars of change and envelopes with money in them..

Digital cameras and a lot of other stuff...

We ended up leaving, but that wasn't the last time I was in there during the holidays.. and I really wish it had of been.. but being an addict.. anyway to make money seems like a good idea.. especially when you're already under the influence of other substances..

-Neil.

(Sorry this is so short, it's my birthday, and i'm really busy.. so I don't have a lot of time to write about this... there's so much to this part of my story, and I need to have time to focus on it.. I don't want to miss anything, or rush through it and make mistakes. I'll try to write some more tonight!)

Friday, April 13, 2012

Merry Christmas...



It's the time of year for families to come together, to share stories over the fire..
To get together and celebrate.. And for People like me to bring disappointment during what's supposed to be the best time of the year..

The days leading up to Christmas were strained.. I was doing what I did best, which was Sneaking up to the bathroom to get high.. It's the only thing that mattered to me..

Sure I love my family... but my addiction was my relationship.. I loved opiates, and I would do anything for them.. I was blinded by my addiction.. I didn't see the true pain it was causing everybody..

It was Christmas eve, and I told myself I would enjoy it..
My parents would have a lot of guests over during the holidays, so they would buy a few cases of beer, as well as some rum and wine..

There was a large bottle of rum in the freezer.. So while everyone else was busy.. I helped myself to some of it..
I was pouring really big glasses and then I would add water to the bottle..

I was sitting at the computer.. I was talking to some friends of mine.. I hadn't gotten high yet today, but I still had some pills left.. I waited until I got a decent buzz on and then I took 4-5 Ativan the doctor prescribed me.. I was getting pretty tipsy, and careless... and I was craving opiates..

It's like a wolf going after meat after starving for a week... you're ravenous, you don't care... All you can think about is getting high.. it consumes every single part of you..
So, of course.. I got out a plate I had hidden in my room, and went to the bathroom..

I turned on the water in the tub, and locked the door... I started crushing some dilaudids... I made a few really big lines.. then put the straw to the plate.. I knew I was in for a high, but I didn't expect any of what was about to come over the next few weeks..

I inhaled through my nose.. The crushed beads flying to the back of my throat.. I gagged a little, but I loved the taste.. It's almost like coffee when you're a kid.. it's so bitter, and disgusting and you can't understand why in the world anyone would drink that vial stuff... but it grows on you, and soon you love the taste, you enjoy trying different flavors.. but there's always one that's your favorite.. and you want it every morning..

.. Well that was dilaudid... and I started to crave the taste of it.. It's bitter, and gross at first.. but eventually it's like pure sugar.. you crave the taste almost as much as the high itself... You crave the ritual... Crushing it up, and making the lines... Or when you're an intravenous drug user; cooking it up.. stiring it, and eventually sticking the needle in your vein..

The drug was in me... I licked the rest of the powder off the plate... Not a speck of this precious drug was being wasted today..

I got undressed and got into the bath... I lit a smoke, and waited..
I felt butterflies, and I got light headed.. It was coming..
One more puff on the cigarette and it was here... The rush.. The pay off.. Everything I wanted..

.. It's almost orgasmic, you feel it everywhere in your body.. the rest of your muscles relax, you're at ease.. and all of your worries disappear and fade away into bliss..

I sat there for 10 minutes... with my eyes closed.. smoking a cigarette.. holding every puff in like it was my last.. I felt on top of the world..

I finished getting a bath... Even putting my head under water to rinse the shampoo out felt amazing.. it's like every little thing in life has a special glow to it.. an aura, and you always want to feel that way..
The problem with this is it's not real... I was throwing my life away, and hurting everyone around me... I was breaking my family members hearts... yet I now felt great and didn't care.. It made me selfish, and things didn't matter at all..

I went downstairs after getting dressed.. I had my drugs on me, and in me.. and I was on top of the world..
I was overly excited.. I'm generally very hyper, but these drugs made me talk a mile a minute, and I would want everyone else to feel good.. so I would talk and lie about being sober, and doing well..
But they knew... They could tell by this point when something wasn't right with me.. and they asked me.. "Is everything OK Neil?" .. "yes" I said.. "What do you mean?"

So that's the back story... I wish that was the end of it.. but it wasn't..

It was getting close to 7 or 8 at night... I was on the couch and passing out.. I had taken almost every drug I had.. Except for half a bottle of Ativan I had gotten filled a few days earlier..

I couldn't keep my head up, and I wasn't even talking right... My parents tried to get me up, and to start acting normal, but I was getting mad at them accusing me of using..

That's when they told me to leave.. They told me to go.. and that I was ruining their Christmas.. And I was..
I got my stuff together.. and left.. With no idea where I was going.. I grabbed a pop bottle I had filled with rum earlier and left the house... It was Christmas eve.. and I had no where to go.. and nothing to do..
I took out my bottle of ativan, and took 10-15 more of them, and washed them down with rum..

With all of the drugs I was on, it was a dangerous mix.. and would end badly one way or another..

I ended up going to a guys house.. This guy used to use drugs with me, and we would get high and hangout..
I went to his house, and knocked on his door.. he was home alone, drinking a quart of rum.. so he was pretty happy to see me..

We ended up taking the rest of the ativan I had.. and drinking most of the night.. we were both out of our minds, when we both wanted to get some dilaudids... We both had no money though, so we were trying to come up with ways to make some..

"Lets go for a walk" He said.. "and see if we can find a way to make some money" .. So off we went..
And it didn't take very long before we found ourselves some trouble.. This night would turn out to be one of the biggest mistakes I ever made.. and it's depressing to think of even to this day..

I'm just glad I've got a second chance to prove that I'm better than that life.. and I've been doing a very good job of that so far...

-Neil

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Part 2... And it starts with a phone call..

[I'm sorry this blog is short, and late being posted.. I was out for dinner with the head of addictions services in our area, and then I had a job interview.. which went really well... I'm hoping to start next week, and I'll let you guys know if I get it... It won't affect my blog, because it's shift work, and the hours will still allow me to write every day, and respond to all the emails and questions I get.... Thanks for reading guys.. this blog is growing bigger than I ever expected it to... and it just keeps growing and growing" ]
-Neil C.





So it had been 2 or 3 days, I had a good little stash, but I came across a little more money, and I wanted to get as much as I could..

So after what happened out there the other day, I figured I'd call before I showed up..
I always called, and always from a blocked number, because I didn't want him calling my house or my cell phone..

But today, I forgot to block my number and called him from my cell phone..
It rang 4-5 times, with no answer... I almost hung up, when I heard someone answer..

.. It was a girls voice...

"What do you think you're doing calling here?" .... "umm, I just wanted to say Hi to ******* and see how he's doing?" .. "He's doing great now that you aren't around!" .. "What are you talking about?" I said..
"Well, when I drove you home, I heard a pill bottle in your pocket when you got out of the car"
Me: "I showed you what I had in my pockets before I left... I honestly have no idea what you're talking about"
"Well why is there so many of his new pills missing?" she said... "I don't know, maybe he was in pain? I have no idea how that works"... " Ohhh but I think you do, I did some asking around and I know you use drugs, so don't even try to play it off"

"I did them when I was younger, but never pills or anything, and I haven't done anything since I was younger.."
"Tell it to someone who cares, I know you're lying... Lose this number, and don't call here again or I'm calling the police on you!" she said..

"You're paranoid, and you honestly have no idea what you're talking about... you're F****ng crazy!"

And I hung up...

Not even 3 seconds later I had a call on my cell, it was the same number I just called... "F**K" I thought.... "I didn't block my number" ..

I let it go to voice mail... and went back downstairs.. I just sat down on the computer again, when I got another call from her... I sent it straight to voice mail.. this happened 3 or 4 more times... And stopped..

When I checked my voice mail messages, I realized this girl wasn't giving up...

"Who the hell do you think you're calling crazy you drug addict? Taking advantage of a senior? you're sick and should be ashamed of yourself!.. Click"

"How dare you speak to me like that, you asshole, don't ever call here again... I think I might call the police! ... Click"

" And another thing...... Click"

... I deleted all the messages, and I thought that was over with..

I called a guy I knew up, and asked him if he wanted to get high... I walked to his house, and he got out some plates... I gave him a 24mg pill, and I did one too... We sat and talked... I didn't tell him what was going on... And I had my phone on vibrate.. after I got high, I was playing guitar and bass... we were having a bit of a jam session, and it went on for maybe 30minutes.. then I could feel my phone vibrating in my pocket... I pulled it out, and it was the same number...

I pressed the end call button, and went back to what I was doing... I could feel it buzzing a few more times, but I ignored it... I ended up leaving, and started to walk home... I checked my messages, and it was her again.. and again.. and again..

she left me 3 more voice mails..

The sum of them were "Will you please pick up so I can tell you something, If you don't pick up next time I call, I'm calling the police"

This scared me... so I called her right back...

"Hello?... what do you want?" ... " I was just talking to ******* and he told me everything... and I want you to promise me you won't come out here again, and I won't call the police.. if you ever show up here again, i'll call the police... I just want a promise so I don't have to worry"

"I still don't know what you're talking about" I said... "But I promise you I won't come out again.. Even though I find this UN-fair.. I help him out a lot, so I hope you're at least going to do the things he needs done"

"Well I will... now good bye"

"Bye, and I'm sorry for what I said to you earlier, but please don't call this number again, it's not mine"

"Then why does it say your name on it?" she said..

... "I co-signed for my brother, and we share it sometimes"

"Ok... Bye"
"Bye"

And that was that...

It was getting close to Christmas at this point.. it must have been a week or two before it... I had enough drugs to last me right until Christmas if I made them last, I could get past new years..

But I could never make them last... and having too many pills always seemed to get me in trouble..
I was fine when it was just 1 or 2"...

-Neil

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

End of summer/turning to fall.. (Part 1 )



I was back home by now, and things were going OK..
I'd been to detox one more time, and left early..

I took a drug program they had there, and left during the last afternoon of it..
there was less than 2 hours left.. but I had a little over 100 bucks, and drugs were all I could think about.. So I had to go, my mind was made up, and no one could change it. 

They were asking me "Are you sure you want to sign out? you're almost done"
I told them I was sure, and I just wanted to leave..

So I signed out at the nurses station, my duffel bag was already packed.. and that was that..

When I left I was over a week clean.. but the only thing on my mind was scoring and getting high.. that was it..
I went to see Marcus' .. but he was out, he didn't have anything..
So I stopped at a few other places.. Everyone was out, and I was getting angry..

There was only one option left..

It was a beautiful sunny day out, and the birds were chirpping.. The summer was over though.. I belive this was late September.... but today was beautiful
I went to an older mans house I heard of and knew he had drugs he sold sometimes.. .. I heard through a few people he was selling some of his medication.. This man was close to 80 years old, and I didn't want to bug him..but I needed to score.
When I knocked on the door, he yelled at me to come in, with a raspy scratchy voice..

"Sit down" He said... "I know who you are.. I've seen you around.. You're that calder kid...You want a coffee?"
"No, I'm OK"...I said... Feeling very out of place..
"No, have one, you're gonna be here a bit so you might as well get comfortable" - He said In his raspy voice.

I sat and talked to him for a while.. he made me a coffee.. It was like muck, and stronger than Pure espresso..
His house stunk like cat litter.. and it was a little too much the deal with at first..
Especially when all you can think about is scoring your hit..
He finally asked me what I wanted.. I asked him what he had.. and he pulled out a black bag filled with prescription bottles..

"Take a look at them then let me know"... This guy looked almost identical to William S Burroughs.. And even sounded like him..   I looked carefully through the bag, and sat each bottle out into different spots... Ones I wanted, and ones that were worthless..

He had a little bit of everything, they all had different fill dates on them.. Everything from 6 year old morphine, to 2 week old Dilaudid..
I picked out the ones that caught my eye.. 8mg dilaudids, 24mg hydromorphone contin, and 100mg morphine pills... "How much?" I said.. 

We worked out the prices, which were all really cheap.. He wanted 4 dollars for the 8's, and 5 dollars for the other pills... I left there with a baggy full of pills, but not before a few more long stories.. He talked, and talked and talked... I just wanted out of there, I wanted to use.. but he just wanted someone to talk to..
I ended up asking to use his bathroom, and I snorted a morphine and two 8's while I was there...

I hated being there until the drugs kicked in.. then I was more than happy to talk to him.. I stayed there for almost 2 hours, then walked home.. He lived really far from me, so I had a long walk back.. I was going to save enough for a cab, but I got a 24mg dilaudid for the same price as a drive home.. and being an addict the drugs were much more important..

I got home, and it was the same routine; I had a duffel bag I carried the entire way with me... My shoulder was ready to fall off. I ended up going right upstairs, and started playing video games... I passed out, and didn't wake up until 9.. I talked with my parents for a bit, I told them how well everything was going -All a bunch of lies- and then they went to bed..

I stayed up, used a few pills and talked to some people on msn....then went back to bed too..

The next morning I woke up, I was home alone.. And I did what I did every morning.. Got high.. The problem was this was the same routine.. Over and over..

I started going to this old mans house all the time.. Every time I was there however, I had to stay for over an hour before I could leave... He used to tell me it's because he didn't want the cops to know he was selling drugs, he said they'd just think I was visiting him... I think he just wanted someone to talk to.
I don't think he really even needed the money.. I think he was just bored with his life, and alone.. he just wanted a friend..

So, I was his friend... I would clean up for him, in exchange for pills.. I would go to the store for him.. in exchange for pills.. I would sit and talk to him.. all in exchange for pills. I didn't like being there, but it was an easy supply of drugs.. Before every appointment he had to get a refill, I would tell him what to say in order to get stronger pills, and more of them..

There came a point when I was out there everyday, when I had pills or not.. Even when I had no money, he would always give me a pill or two..
I thought I had it made.. I thought everything was too good to be true.. but everything that's good comes to an end..  So that old saying usually proves to be true.. if something seems too good to be true, it is"

I did some work for a week, and I had 350 dollars... So I went to his house, I bought a little of everything he had, and went to the bathroom to use them.. When I came out, I could hear him arguing with someone... It was his daughter, or grand daughter.. I'm not sure who..

I came out, and she said "Who tell hell is this!?" And he said "His name's Neil, I get him to do work around the house for me" .. "Ohh really? " she said.. "Why are all of your pill bottles out?"
She started looking at them.. she was sorting them too.. all by dates... "I'm taking these old medications back" She said, and I'm telling the pharmacist to only give you a weeks worth at a time" You're doing it again aren't you... Just like with *****, he was out here at least once a week, and I knew what you were doing then"

"I think it's time for your to leave... Neil is it?... Before I call the police"

"I'm sorry, but I have no idea what you're talking about.. he was going through them to throw the pills out anyway, he said he didn't need them anymore so he was getting rid of them"

"Yes" he said... "I still take some of them though when my back gets too bad, my doctor told me it's fine"
She ended up taking the ones he "Didn't Need" anymore, which were mostly blood thinners and anti-biotics..
Every time she would find a 4 year old bottle of pain killers, he would say "I still use those, they help me get through the night when the pain is Unbearable" .. She took all of the Valium and Ativan he had.. but left the xanax and clonazpam.. She took a couple bottles of painkillers too..

Then she looked at me, and said "Neil, I hate to ask you this, but in order for me to belive you... would you mind emptying your pockets?"
I stashed the bag of pills in my boxers where I always did while I was in the bathroom..
"Yup, No problem".. I pulled everything out, and there was nothing to do with drugs in them.. I told her to check my coat to.. she did.. and found nothing..
"Well I'm sorry Neil, but we heard that he was selling his pills to someone else before.. So we were just concerned"

" I understand" I said  "I would want to make sure that wasn't happening either.. If  ****** comes out here again I'll let you know.." Thanks" she said and left with the Pill bottles in hand.

She was out in her car, and ready to leave...
The old fella said to me "Thanks, you just saved my ass, honestly.. Here... Take the bottle of morphine 100's for free to show my gratitude " I said thanks, and payed him what I owed him for the other stuff, and he let me give him 250 instead of 350 so "I'd have 100 dollars spending money"-His words
... I told him I better leave now, and I'll stop by tomorrow if I can.

I left the house, and took the corner to where the driveway was, and she was still sitting there, texting on her phone... She rolled down the window, and asked me if I needed a drive home.. I told her I was meeting a friend at the coffee shop in town, so she told me to get in then dropped me off there... When I went to get out, I heard a few of the pills in the bottle sort of slide around,.. So I carefully exited the car so it wouldn't make any more noise... when I stood up to shut the door I said "Thanks for the drive, bye" as soon as I said this, I could hear the pills slide and hit the bottom off the container and they made the typical clinking and clanking sound.. but before she could hear I slammed the door fast... and waved good bye to her..
She waved with one hand, and gave me a funny look, but I was high... so I didn't think anything of it..

I went into the bathroom, and took our the gray morphine pills and put them into the bag in my boxers crotch.. I ran the pill bottle under water, and scrapped the label of with a key.. then threw it in the garbage.. I flushed the pill container label down the toilet then went home... I walked past the pharmacy.. and saw her car in there... so I had to run past it to get home, or she would know I was lying..

I made it home without her seeing me, and went to my room... I put my drugs in some hiding spots I had at the time, and left them there... All except for 3 morphine and six 8mg Dilaudids..

But that's not where this story ended..

-Neil

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Part 2




I saw him being wheeled out.. down the steps and into the ambulance..
as I went outside, there was already a reporter there, following the ambulance..

He got out to take some pictures, and I ran over to him.. I asked him to leave, and he just pushed past me..
I put my hand over his lens and started to get angry.. I can't remember exactly what I said, but I was acting irrational, and being extremely rude to him. He ended up leaving, but only because the ambulance was pulling out..

I watched it leave, and just stood there... His mother and father showed up, and asked me what happened, I told them, and they drove me to the hospital... it was a slow quite drive there.. we didn't even speak a word to each other. I believe they were upset with me, because they knew I was using drugs with him..

We got to the hospital, and waited in the waiting room, I was scared, but I knew he'd be OK now...
A nurse came up to me and asked me what he took, I told them the exact amount of everything he took..

We waited around, while they gave him Narcan.. we waited and waited, then his son showed up..
He came over to me and hugged me, with tears in his eyes.. he said to me "Thank you for saving my dads life" But those words just bounced off me.. I didn't save him, it was partially my fault he was in there.. and that's all I could think about..

A little later, his girlfriend came in.. She was at work when it happened, but she came as soon as she found out.. She was talking to the nurses, then came up to me.. and yelled "You need to tell them exactly what he took" .. I explained to her that I did.. I told them exactly what he took, and when he took it..

She said to me "Get out of here, just go home, we don't want you here" .. I remember this quite vividly, because I was pretty offended. I understand now she was just stressed out, and she knew we used together. Before any of this, we got along quite well, but she was mad at me.. and we've never really talked since then.. She's moved on from him, and isn't with him anymore.. I'm not even sure where she is, but I hope she's not offended by me telling this part.

I didn't leave until I saw him...

The nurse came out and told us we could go in and see him.. I went in and started to tear up.. I felt horrible, I blamed myself.. I told him I was sorry, and he said "Sorry for what? You just saved my life" .. But I didn't "save his life" .. I was with him, and I was doing drugs with him.. it could have easily been me... the only reason it wasn't was because of my drug tolerance..

The nurses told us he needed some rest, so I left the room..

I said good bye to his son, and left..

I walked home, and lit a smoke as soon as I was off the hospital property, I now knew I had to deal with my parents.. and explain to them what happened.

I dreaded going back home, but I did.. .

When I walked in, they didn't know what happened... and I wish I hadn't of told them, but I felt compelled to.. it was something big that happened to me, I was still feeling pretty shaken up about it, and wanted someone to talk to... The problem with this was, I had put my parents through a lot at this point..

When I told them, they were instantly mad at me... They thought I was going out to work for the day, not preform CPR and call an ambulance.. I went into the living room, and then they called me out into the kitchen..

They told me I would have to leave... They were kicking me out.. I was really mad at them at this point, I grabbed some stuff, and left after having some words with them..

I had put them through HELL up to this point, I had been kicked out twice and allowed back, I felt like I had nowhere to go..

I walked the streets for a while, then called George's son..
I told him what happened, and he spoke with his mother..he called me back and told me I was welcome to stay with them for as long as I needed.. At this point in my life, I was LUCKY to have anyone on my side; but for some reason I did.. They welcomed me into their home, and fed me, they were so nice to me, and always treated me with respect.. I'm not sure why, but they did..

.. My life was the same routine, Getting money for drugs, and doing drugs... The only difference was where I slept..
I wouldn't do drugs in their home, because I didn't want to get kicked out of there, so I would walk 20 minutes away, to an apartment complex in down..
It was a bit of a slum, and it had a shared kitchen (which no one used) and a common area..

I remember I went to sleep at Georges sons house the first night, then left early in the morning... His mom gave me some smokes, and asked me if I needed anything, I told her I didn't... and she left for work.

I still had a 30 mg pill, so I walked to the apartment complex..
I was walking to the place, when I sat down on the steps of an old shut down store in town..
I lit up a smoke, and then I saw George drive by, he stopped and waved me over to his car.. I jumped in and talked to him..

He thanked me, and we just started talking.. I told him how I got kicked out, and that I had no place to go... He told me if his girlfriend wasn't so mad at me I could come stay with him, but she wouldn't have it..
We drove a little bit, then he dropped me off by the apartment complex.. I told him I was quiting, and didn't want anything to do with drugs anymore. Just in case he wanted some..
but he didn't.. he left, and we parted ways.. We really didn't hangout much after this for a few months, but we eventually did..

I looked up at the beige building..
I walked up the stairs to the common area, and opened the door into the kitchen..
I looked through all the cupboards, and found a plate and a big spoon... I wiped them both off and sat them down on the counter..  I reached into my pocket, and pulled out the big red capsule.. I poured the beads out onto the plate.. I crushed the beads up, then made them into two lines...

I was just reaching into my wallet to find a Bill to roll up, when a man came through... He said hi,  and asked me what I was doing.. I told him I was waiting for a friend to get dressed in one of the apartments.. he said "OK, just wondering" and left..

I rolled up the bill, and snorted the first line... I just bent down to snort the second, when I could heard someone coming up the stairs.. I snorted the second line as fast as I could; Just then I could feel someone looking at me.. There was a larger man, standing at the top of the stairs beside and the entrance to the common area.. I looked at him just long enough to see him open his mouth and yell "What the hell are you doing?!?!" I instantly ran as fast as I could.. There was a hallway then an exit on the opposite side of where the man was... I ran, took the corner and took off down the hallway as fast as I could.... For someone who weighed close to 300 lbs he moved pretty damn fast.. I took a right, then slammed into the bar of the back door to open it...

It got stuck for a second, then I slammed it as hard as I could a second time... the door opened, and I took off down the steps.. there was a flight and a half of stairs to move down.. and I was moving as quick as I could... I was already past the parking lot when I turned my head.. and he was halfway down the stairs... he stopped because he realized he couldn't catch me.. but I could hear him yelling..

"Don't ever come back here you junkie f**k!.. If I ever see you again!" I yelled back at him, and called him a fat F***.. and kept running.. I hate to say this, but I was laughing at this point.. I found it extremely funny..
Thinking back on it now; I'm embarrassed, and I'm ashamed to even tell this part of the story..

I was pretty far away, and lit a smoke and kept walking down a back street.. I was just walking and laughing..

-Neil

Monday, April 9, 2012

Work, then 911.. (part 1)



I was working with a good friend of mine at the time, We called him George..
We had a few jobs in the next town over to do, but we decided to stick with one of them, and we went to work..

On the drive up, we each took some Xanax.. I'm not sure how much, but enough to make us feel weird... We went to work.. we had a few hours of stuff to do, so we finished some trim up in the guys new kitchen George was building..

The problem was he was a great worker, he was skilled at what he did, but he had a drug problem.. He lived about 20 minutes away from me in a town called Oxford.. He'd been in and out of the drug scene for a long time, but he really took to xanax and dilaudid.. he loved them.

He's been clean for over 3 years now, and he's doing really well.. So I hope he doesn't mind me sharing this.. but it's an important part of my story..

We worked pretty hard that day, and got a lot done... every hour or so we would take another xanax though, which was a bad idea..

He had me vacuuming up in a room downstairs we were working on... The entire time I was working down there, I kept my eyes open for anything worth money...
I didn't find anything that day, but I was looking through some pill bottles that were in that room... I was hoping to find a painkiller or some sort, because I wasn't feeling good today. It had been close to a full day since I had used, so I was feeling pretty gross..

We finished up, and he asked the home owner for a cash advance on our work.. he gave us 200 dollars, and we got in the car and left...
"Can you get us any d's?" George said... "Yeah I can, how many should we get?" "Lets get 4 30's"..

"30's" were big red 30mg time release dilaudid's.. They were around 40 dollars a piece.. So he drove me to a guys house I knew, so I jumped out, and got the pills.
We drove back to George's house.. and Got out 2 plates and two spoons..
We each poured out 1 30 mg pill, and went to work.. we crushed them up, and got ready to snort them..
I asked him for a bill to use, and he handed me 1, he told me to keep it for working today.. I also had 1 other pill in my pocket, and so did he..

We snorted them, and started talking... He was slurring his words, and nodding off... I was on his computer, and started to roll up a joint.. I was talking to a guy I knew, and I told him I would stop over and smoke the joint with him, since he lived close by.

I went back to tell George I would be back in 30 minutes or so... but when I went upstairs he was passed out in the chair... I tried shaking him, but he wouldn't wake up... I felt his chest, and could only feel a faint heart beat... I put my hand just above his mouth.. but I couldn't feel any air going in or out... he wasn't breathing..

I tried shaking him violently... I was yelling at him, and slapping the side of his face.. Nothing would wake him up... I was freaking out, and didn't know what to do... I ran to the computer, and asked the guy I was going to smoke a joint with to come over.. he lived just on the next street over, so it only took him a minute to get there... I was trying to wake George up still, but nothing would work..

I asked the guy who came over to help me take him to the car, I was going to drive him to the hospital... He told me No, and that I should call an ambulance... I told him I would give him 5 grams of weed if he would just help me carry him out.. but he wouldn't.. he left.. And I don't blame him, he was scared.. So was I..

I had no choice, it had been about 5 minutes.. so I called an ambulance, I was crying at this point, and told them to hurry up..

I learned CPR in Cadets, as well as in health class in school.. I started giving him CPR.. I plugged his nose, and breathed into his mouth... then started with chest compressions... his lips were turning dark blue... I stayed calm, and kept preforming CPR.. I could feel his heart beating.. but he wasn't breathing... I kept up with the breathing and compressions until the ambulance got there... They came in, and told me to move out of the way... I told them exactly what he took, and all of the details.. the got a compression bag out and started giving him air... they loaded him onto the stretcher.. I kept asking them how I could help, I was panicking.. they just told me to get out of the way...

-Neil

Too many close calls...

it's been about 3 days..
I tried Opana maybe 4 times after that day.. Only half a pill at a time.

The weird thing was, I could take huge amounts of other drugs.. but there was something about this drug.. it was really strong..
It was early in the week... everyone was at work, or at school..
I started the day off by taking 2 xanax bars.. and washed them down with a coffee..

As soon as it started kicking in, I grabbed a plate, a spoon, and got my baggy out..
I took out a 32mg palladone, and 2 opana.. I was a little inebriated from the xanax, so I got a little careless..
I snorted the 32mg palladone, then went to work on the opana... At first, I was only going to take one 40 mg pill... but I figured with my tolerance, 1 and a half wouldn't hurt me..

I snorted them and then went to my room to play some video games..
I remember lighting a smoke and taking a few puffs..
Then my eyes started to get heavy.. I was drifting off to sleep, when I felt something burning on my finger... The smoke I was smoking came to rest on my ring finger on my left hand..

The weird thing is, I've burnt this finger before, but never like this.. It was bubbling up and had ashes burnt into it.. I instantly jumped up and ran to the bathroom.. I ran cold water over the burn for at least 10 minutes... Even with the opiates in my system, I could feel the pain welling up... I was swearing, screaming and yelling..

I tried to dry it off with a towel but I couldn't touch it.. I didn't know what to do, so I went downstairs above my sink... We had a make-shift first-aid kit/medicine cabinet in the small cupboard above it. I pulled a chair up, and started looking... I found Flamazine, which is used for burns.. and I also found some bandages and clear tape... I put the flamazine on, and wrapped my burn up with the bandages..

It still hurt, but it was OK for now... Even to this day I have a huge scar on my finger to remind me of how dumb I was.. But sometimes lessons take a little longer to learn for others..

I lit another smoke, and tried to play some call of duty.. and of course, I started nodding off again.. I burnt at least 2 holes in my shirt, and a few in the sheets.. I took my smokes and put them downstairs.. I figured I didn't wanna burn the house down..

I put the blue-tooth Mic in my ear, and tried playing a few games... I couldn't keep my eyes open though, so this was useless... it must have been around  9:30am.. and I had the whole day ahead of me. I was supposed to go see my drug councilor at 12:30, so I needed to stay away... I made another coffee, and watched some TV.. I woke up again to boiling hot coffee spilled on my chest.. I made a huge mess, and my chest was red from the coffee... I just couldn't keep my head up. It was pathetic, and I've seen it before in other people.

I just thought I never looked half as bad as that... but it turns out I did...

I cleaned it up, then went to get a bath... I started to fill it up and got in..
It was getting pretty full, and I shut it off... The next thing I remember is waking up with my mouth under water... the water was really cold, so I knew I had been in it for a while..

I got out and dried myself off, I looked in the mirror and my lips were darker.. they were starting to turn bluish gray..  I was getting a little worried, but in my drugged out euphoric state, I didn't do anything about it.
I came downstairs and took my 2 puffers to help me breath.. It was getting harder with each breath. It felt like there was a ton of weight sitting on my chest.. pushing all of the air out, and making it hard to draw a breath in..

It was almost 12:30, and I thought about going to my meeting, but I figured that was a waste of time.
I went on the computer, and started talking to a few people I knew.. A good friend of mine at the time was on there, and we were arguing a little bit.. He said he saw me walk to a dealers house or something along those lines.. I started arguing with him, even though I knew he was right..

We were friends for a long time.. and he was worried about me, and concerned. He wanted the best for me, but I didn't want to hear any of it. I remember getting so mad at him, and I started talking down to him, Telling him where to go and to stay out of my business. I remember I challenged him to fight me, he just said I was acting like an idiot, and stopped talking to me. I felt dumb, but I had my own life built up in my head.. everything was ok, and I wasn't going to let anything or anyone get in the way of that..

We don't talk anymore, but it wasn't because of that... we were still friends after that, but we grew apart. It's sad to think of, I drove a lot of good friends and nice people out of my life due to my drug abuse.. I didn't care about anyone but myself..

I woke up 3 hours later with my head on the keyboard.. I had passed out and fell asleep at the computer desk.. when I woke up I took a deep breath, and got dizzy.. It must have been due to the lack of oxygen in my system... I was getting pretty nervous at this point, but the drugs were wearing off... I took a 5mg amphetamine pill, and started to wake up...

My brothers got home from school, and it just started all over again.. I didn't use for the rest of the day, but I did the next morning... just not as much..

-Neil

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Why get rid of them when I can just get more?..And More... And more....

I got up and went to the bathroom... I slept for at least 10 hours...
It was hard to get going this morning, usually I was sick and motivated to sniff whatever pills I had..
But today,  was different... I just wasted almost 2 weeks of clean time for an extremely horrible night..

I had no plans for today, it was after 2:00pm and I should have been craving..
I came down the stairs and made myself a coffee after washing my face and shaving..
I sat down in the living room, and started watching TV.. Nothing on..
Checked my cell phone, Only a few messages and no one wanted to do anything this afternoon.. I was getting sort of depressed, and Sort of down in the dumps...

My parents weren't talking to me much, it was sort of strained, they could tell something was up, but wouldn't even ask me what I did last night, or when I got home.. My family life was falling to pieces..

My mother told me later on in my life, that almost every night she would sneak in my room, and lay her head on my chest.. or put her hand just above my mouth to make sure I was still breathing... I didn't even realize the pain my addiction was causing them... I had no idea..

I went online, and found a guy I used with once in awhile, I had him search up Oxymorphone... He told me he'd love to try it, and told me if I had any to be careful with them, because if your tolerance is down you can overdoes pretty quickly if you're shooting it.. this guy shot, I didn't..

I told him I came across 1 opana 40, and that was the only one I could get.. They were VERY rare to see in Atlantic Canada at the time..  He said "you have an entire 40?!?!?" once he said this, I realized I found a great opiate.. he told me to stop over, so I did...

I said hi to his wife, and we went upstairs to his bedroom.. He pulled out his needle kit, and I grabbed a plate and a spoon before coming upstairs.. I told him I'd give him half of it for 20 dollars (I told him I paid 40 for it)
He said "Awesome, that's a hell of a deal" ... He took his half and did his thing, then crushed it up, but left a little chunk of the pill out of the spoon, and set it in one of his baggies...

I crushed the entire half, and snorted it... and it was like I just snorted 5 dilaudid 8's, only better..
The rush came on faster, and lasted longer, and I felt like I was floating... I was sitting in a big chair, and it felt like it was leaning back on me, it was weird.. I was in a purely euphoric state.. I didn't care about anything except this... I laid with my eyes closed, smoking a cigarette, wrapped up in a blue blanket... it was flece so it felt really good wrapped around me... I opened my eyes, and looked over at him.. he was just getting ready to inject it.. he had it cooling down in a spoon, it took him a bit of time to cook it up... anyway, I sat there, smoking... and watched him put a belt around his arm..

He held the other end of the belt in his arm..
He was squeezing his fist over and over, and pumped up his veins.. they were pretty gross looking, but I didn't care... he tipped the needle up into the air, and flicked it 4 or 5 times with his finger.. then pushed the plunger in until a bead of clear liquid was sitting on the tip of the needle itself..

He picked a vein, and stuck the rig in.. he fished around a little bit, then lightly pulled back on the plunger, I saw blood ender the syringe ... Then he pushed the plunger in while releasing the belt from his teeth..

He put the orange cap back on the needle and then... Made the weirdest sounds I've ever heard..
It sounded like he was having an orgasm.... and laid down on the floor... he put a pillow under his head and curled up into the fetal position.. he was still making noises... saying "Ohhh F##K this feels amazing.. I wish heroin felt this good... F#@KKKKK" ... He lit a smoke, and started puffing on it, He was out and wasn't waking up... but he was breathing... I couldn't get him to wake up, and when I finnally did, he'd pass back out in less then 2-3 minutes.. I just laid there... texting a girl I liked... and then called her on the phone..

I laid there wrapped up, talking to her for over 2 hours, and then told her I had to go... I told her I'd meet here somewhere later that night, around 9... It was now 7... I was coming down.. and the guy I was with was coming too.... "Can you get anymore? please tell me you can!" ..

I might be able to, but they're expensive, and I want something for doing it.... "hold on he said"
He went downstairs, and came back with a can... he opened it up, and passed me 400 dollars... I want 10... but see if he'll do 14 for 400... if you can get the extras... you can have them.... OK I said..  I need money for a cab, because he doesn't want anyone else to know where he lives." Take 12 bucks out of that can... I took 32 because he was nodding off and wasn't paying attention... I hit the jackpot, or so I thought...

I called the taxi, they came and got me.. I called the guy right before I went out there, and told him I had a 420 dollar laptop I just bought, and wanted to know if he could fix it for me... And he said "Yeah sure, come on over" ... This is a routine with most drug dealers... if you're calling them you can' just say "I have 420 bucks to give you" .. .You can't say " I need 30 pills!" it doesn't work like that.. if they were being listened too by the police, they would know instantly... every dealer has a different thing you can say to them.. It's a weird part of the drug sub-culture, and sort of interesting..

Anyway, I got to his house.. I went in, and he told me to come upstairs to his bedroom..
He pulled out his bag of opanas.. and two other bags of weird pills I've never seen before... How many opanas do you want? "Well I have over 400 dollars, so I want a deal.... I want 21 Opana's at 20 a piece, but I want you to throw in 5 or 6 extra for the deal"

"I can't do that" he said... I love these... I'll sell you 21 Opana's for 420 dollars.. but for the deal I can't trade you opanas.. but I have hydromorphone contins... OK, let me see...
He showed me a bag of pure white capsules mixed with a few baby blue pills.... "What the fuck are these?.. these aren't hydromorphone contin.. and they're 32 mg.. the highest they make them in 30mg's" I said ....

"Not in America... These are called palladone, they're 32mg hydromorphone.. and they're easier to crush up, the beads aren't as tough... "These say "P X-L on one side then  32mg on the other side of them"
The white one's are 32mg the baby blues are 24's"

"Well How many of those will you give me for the deal?" "Uh, 5 sound good?" Nah come on man I know you only pay 2-3 bucks for all of these... give me at least 10... and I'll bring you more business like this..."
"Well how about this... I'll give you 8 of them plus I'll give you 5 Xanax 2's" OK I said..

He opened the Palladone bag, and gave me 8 of them... he pulled out the Xanax bag, and passed me these long bar shaped pills that actually said xanax on them and 2 on one side.. they were scored 3 or 4 times... "weird, this is the first time I've seen the x-bars" I said, or something like that... Can I get two baggies? .. "Yeah sure" the dealers said..

I put 12 Opana's in one bag, and then I put 9 Opana's, 8-Palladone 32mg pills, and 5  2mgXanax bars in the other... I put this in my wallet, and put it down in my secret pocket..

I called the cab back, it got there.. in like 5 minutes... I went back to see my user friend, and gave him the bag with 12 Opana's in it... He took out 11 of them, and passed me 1... "You said you would give me whatever I could get for the extra deal" ... "Well I was the one who spent the money" he said "Well I was the one who went out there risking my neck to buy off some psycho... Plus I gave you a half of one and you didn't even pay me for it yet... "Well here take the other one then.." Well where's my 20 bucks? "Look what you just got, you're not getting it" .... "Whatever man, you're an asshole... I'm leaving"

As I was leaving, I had an evil smile on my face... addicts always scam other addicts.... Now, with this being said, I didn't screw over some of my addict friends, but a lot of them ripped me off or stole from me... it's a disease and you don't care who you hurt, you just need you fix..

I walked back home, and Snorted another half of an opana..
When I got there I ate some supper. I tried talking to my parents.. But they got mad at me that night because They could tell I was high; they said "You're nodding off" And I was sure I wasn't.. but I must have been... I ate and stormed off to my room all mad about it.. So I snorted another half...
I also took a 5mg Dexedrine pill to keep my heart beating in case it was too much..

I ended up passing out, and didn't wake up till the next day.... and I thought I was dreaming.... Until I went downstairs, reached into my coat.. and found the bag of pills... This was crazy, I had all of these drugs, plus I still had 2 more Opana's in my room... but stock was getting replenished, and I was content again.. but I wasn't sure exactly what happened last night.. I called  the guy I used with, and I told him I was sorry for freaking out.. and he said he was sorry too... he told me to come buy later and he'd split another pill for me... I told him I couldn't, because I was waiting to work out a deal for some dilaudids... I told him i'd stop buy in a day or two...

-Neil.

Might seem like this is just a war story, but in my blog tomorrow, you'll understand why I wrote this blog like this... Just wait for part two.. And to all the users reading.. Most of you know what you're doing... but just be careful.. you know Narcan is the only thing to save you from an opiate overdoes.. but I just don't want my blogs getting someone craving a certain drug and making them relapse, so I'm going to give up most of the drug details in the future.. thanks for reading, stay informed, and be aware of what dangers are out there...

Thanks!

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Yes.. and an Opana stop sign story.



Yeah sure, Can you pick me up?

"I'll be right out"

Old George was there pretty quick, and picked me up.. he had some coke, and we drove back to his place. .
He pulled out his gram baggy and dished out a couple of lines..

We snorted them off his dryer and started talking..
"So you're all clean eh? hahahaha!" He said to me..

"Clean from opiates.. I can still have fun once in a while"

We did a few lines, and drank a few beer.. We talked about drugs, how our plants were doing and work..
I was getting angry at one point and asked him why he pinned stealing the drugs on me..
He told me that If he didn't, he would have lost the whole contract, and 3 other people would have been out of work..

Well why did you do it in the first place? What can I say? Why did you steal all my change that time?

... He was right.. One day I went out there to see if he wanted to split on a pill, He wasn't home.. But he had a big cup of change... and I took 20 dollars out of it.. I just responded with "I guess we're even eh?"

And that was that... We never once talked about it again..

"Wanna go out to visit  Cindy?".. "Yeah sure" I said... So we drove out there..
When we got there, we stayed in the driveway for a second and dumped out some more coke from the bag.. We poured it onto a CD case, and each took a big line, probably close to 1/3 of a gram each... "So we wouldn't have to come back out in 20 minutes" (another dangerous decision)

We went inside, there was just a few people at Cindy's drinking beer.. We only brought 8 beer with us, but she had a lot in the fridge.. We drank another beer, but before I was done, my heart was killing me... It felt like it was beating at 500bpm.. I felt like I was going to be sick... "Excuse me" I said..

I ran to the bathroom, and splashed freezing cold water in my face.. My face was beat red... and I was getting scared... I drank at least 2 liters of cold water from the tap, then went back out.. I figured if I got a few more beer into me, it would slow my heart rate down.. because alcohol is a downer.. I chugged the beer I had..

I sat there with it while it was empty for a few minutes "Go grab us all a beer will you Neil?" Cindy said... "Yup"
I went out to the fridge.. I grabbed 4 beer, and came back out.. I passed one to another old man who was there, I can't even remember who he was now.. " Aren't you going to take the cap off?" Cindy said..
"He can take his own cap off can't he?" "You're a guest, and if you're grabbing someone a beer you always take the cap off!" she said in an angry tone.. "Sorry" I said... I took it back, and took the cap off.. then took the caps off the other two and passed them out..

I was feeling really weird.. my head was pounding.. but not in pain... I just felt a thumping in my brain, around my temples on each side... this constant pulse.. like a bass drum smashing into my head.. I was getting scared.. I chugged the beer in one drink, and went to grab another..

Cindy had some whiskey in the fridge, I took the quart bottle, took the cap off and chugged straight whiskey out of the bottle like it was water.. I'm not sure how much I drank exactly.. but it was a lot...

I finally started to feel better about 10 minutes after that.. but I didn't feel drunk at all.. there was still too much cocaine in my system, and whatever it was cut with..

As soon as I started feeling better, we talked about leaving (To go do a line) but we didn't want cindy or anyone else to know..
I asked Cindy for a lighter, and she gave me it, I put it in my pocket -By accident- but she got really mad at me... she called me a thief and brought up the fact I stole change from Geoge one time, which I paid back..
So I said to George "Lets just leave"

We did, but Cindy's daughter didn't want him to drive (for obvious reasons) and she drove us around.. we stopped on an old road on the outskirts of town, George took out the CD case, and made 2 more big lines... I thought about not doing it, but then the addict in me said "F%$@ it, just do it!" and sure enough, I did..  We drove back to Cindy's house, but I didn't want to stay there.. I told George I would meet up with him the next day, and I left..

My heart was pounding..... and it all started again... Each step I felt worse and worse... My heart was KILLING me, I thought I was having a heart attack.. This was 12:30ish at night.. it wasn't very cold..
I had 80 dollars in the bank, and 20 dollars on me..

I walked to the bank, which actually look me a long time.. I was scared I was going to have a heart attack... I was blowing my nose, trying to get the rest of it out of there.. I got my 100 dollars, and I went to the only guy I knew who was up at the time.. it was literally a 20 minute walk there and 20 minutes back... I didn't have time for that. I called a cab..

They drove me out there, I went in to meet Craig, and asked what he had... This guy went to the states a lot, and brought back weird drugs you can't get in Canada.. I asked him what he had, and he said OxyMorphone... I've heard of these before, the trade name opana) they were extended release

I've heard of them, but never in my life have I seen them.. But my heart was pounding..
I have 90 dollars after the cab, will you sell me 6 opanas? And what mg are they.

They're OP-40'S.. I'll sell you 5 for $90.00 and I'm telling you that's the best deal you'd ever get on these"
Ok, Sounds good to me"..

I got the weird shaped pills, and got a cab back to my house..

I wanted to stay away but I couldn't... I've heard of these, but I KNEW they were the holy grail of opiates next to pure heroin... and I heard each 40mg extended release (XR) pill sold for close to 50-60 dollars in the states... so I got a hell of a deal... less then 20 dollars a piece!

My head was pounding still, my mind racing... I still think this was cut with speed or meth.. Because usually when I snorted cocaine it felt good for a little while, but then you come down... With this stuff,  you don't come down for hours and hours... which, is a huge sign of an amphetamine cut (dangerous)

I went to erowid and looked up how strong it was, I was searching web-page after web-page and I finally just gave up and figured 1 would be enough.

I peeled it, snorted it, and put the rest away in my hiding spot...
I went on the computer, and started reading up more on it.. I was scared... I thought I took too much... This was a HUGE dose for someone, and I was fresh out of detox, so my tolerance was down again..

I got a powerful rush, it felt amazing... it felt like I shot a dilaudid, only I got this from snorting a pill... it was amazing... but then I started to get tired... I erased the computers history, and went up to my room... I lit a cigarette, and was nodding hard, I finally got awake enough to put the smoke out in the ashtray (instead of the sheets like most nights) and I remember nodding off for maybe 20 minutes... I was seeing things, pink elephants and other weird stuff from closing my eyes... I felt warm, content and my body felt so relaxed.

Then, I fell asleep... I woke up almost 10 hours later, it was 3 in the afternoon..
I couldn't catch my breath... one look in the mirror and I could tell my lips were blue.. I believe I would have overdosed if I wasn't on cut-cocaine that night... the stimulant in my system was enough to keep me alive and breathing a bit while I was asleep...

Oxymorphone is a POWERFUL DRUG and should NEVER be used by someone who doesn't know anything about it... it's extremely dangerous... so be aware.

I started breathing innnnn and outtttt..... innnnn and outtttt.... the color of my skin came back, and I was OK...but I KNOW I was lucky... I would have been dead if I only took a 40mg opana..  But I didn't wanna use another opana again.. They scared me..

-Neil