Merry Christmas...

It's the time of year for families to come together, to share stories over the fire..
To get together and celebrate.. And for People like me to bring disappointment during what's supposed to be the best time of the year..

The days leading up to Christmas were strained.. I was doing what I did best, which was Sneaking up to the bathroom to get high.. It's the only thing that mattered to me..

Sure I love my family... but my addiction was my relationship.. I loved opiates, and I would do anything for them.. I was blinded by my addiction.. I didn't see the true pain it was causing everybody..

It was Christmas eve, and I told myself I would enjoy it..
My parents would have a lot of guests over during the holidays, so they would buy a few cases of beer, as well as some rum and wine..

There was a large bottle of rum in the freezer.. So while everyone else was busy.. I helped myself to some of it..
I was pouring really big glasses and then I would add water to the bottle..

I was sitting at the computer.. I was talking to some friends of mine.. I hadn't gotten high yet today, but I still had some pills left.. I waited until I got a decent buzz on and then I took 4-5 Ativan the doctor prescribed me.. I was getting pretty tipsy, and careless... and I was craving opiates..

It's like a wolf going after meat after starving for a week... you're ravenous, you don't care... All you can think about is getting high.. it consumes every single part of you..
So, of course.. I got out a plate I had hidden in my room, and went to the bathroom..

I turned on the water in the tub, and locked the door... I started crushing some dilaudids... I made a few really big lines.. then put the straw to the plate.. I knew I was in for a high, but I didn't expect any of what was about to come over the next few weeks..

I inhaled through my nose.. The crushed beads flying to the back of my throat.. I gagged a little, but I loved the taste.. It's almost like coffee when you're a kid.. it's so bitter, and disgusting and you can't understand why in the world anyone would drink that vial stuff... but it grows on you, and soon you love the taste, you enjoy trying different flavors.. but there's always one that's your favorite.. and you want it every morning..

.. Well that was dilaudid... and I started to crave the taste of it.. It's bitter, and gross at first.. but eventually it's like pure sugar.. you crave the taste almost as much as the high itself... You crave the ritual... Crushing it up, and making the lines... Or when you're an intravenous drug user; cooking it up.. stiring it, and eventually sticking the needle in your vein..

The drug was in me... I licked the rest of the powder off the plate... Not a speck of this precious drug was being wasted today..

I got undressed and got into the bath... I lit a smoke, and waited..
I felt butterflies, and I got light headed.. It was coming..
One more puff on the cigarette and it was here... The rush.. The pay off.. Everything I wanted..

.. It's almost orgasmic, you feel it everywhere in your body.. the rest of your muscles relax, you're at ease.. and all of your worries disappear and fade away into bliss..

I sat there for 10 minutes... with my eyes closed.. smoking a cigarette.. holding every puff in like it was my last.. I felt on top of the world..

I finished getting a bath... Even putting my head under water to rinse the shampoo out felt amazing.. it's like every little thing in life has a special glow to it.. an aura, and you always want to feel that way..
The problem with this is it's not real... I was throwing my life away, and hurting everyone around me... I was breaking my family members hearts... yet I now felt great and didn't care.. It made me selfish, and things didn't matter at all..

I went downstairs after getting dressed.. I had my drugs on me, and in me.. and I was on top of the world..
I was overly excited.. I'm generally very hyper, but these drugs made me talk a mile a minute, and I would want everyone else to feel good.. so I would talk and lie about being sober, and doing well..
But they knew... They could tell by this point when something wasn't right with me.. and they asked me.. "Is everything OK Neil?" .. "yes" I said.. "What do you mean?"

So that's the back story... I wish that was the end of it.. but it wasn't..

It was getting close to 7 or 8 at night... I was on the couch and passing out.. I had taken almost every drug I had.. Except for half a bottle of Ativan I had gotten filled a few days earlier..

I couldn't keep my head up, and I wasn't even talking right... My parents tried to get me up, and to start acting normal, but I was getting mad at them accusing me of using..

That's when they told me to leave.. They told me to go.. and that I was ruining their Christmas.. And I was..
I got my stuff together.. and left.. With no idea where I was going.. I grabbed a pop bottle I had filled with rum earlier and left the house... It was Christmas eve.. and I had no where to go.. and nothing to do..
I took out my bottle of ativan, and took 10-15 more of them, and washed them down with rum..

With all of the drugs I was on, it was a dangerous mix.. and would end badly one way or another..

I ended up going to a guys house.. This guy used to use drugs with me, and we would get high and hangout..
I went to his house, and knocked on his door.. he was home alone, drinking a quart of rum.. so he was pretty happy to see me..

We ended up taking the rest of the ativan I had.. and drinking most of the night.. we were both out of our minds, when we both wanted to get some dilaudids... We both had no money though, so we were trying to come up with ways to make some..

"Lets go for a walk" He said.. "and see if we can find a way to make some money" .. So off we went..
And it didn't take very long before we found ourselves some trouble.. This night would turn out to be one of the biggest mistakes I ever made.. and it's depressing to think of even to this day..

I'm just glad I've got a second chance to prove that I'm better than that life.. and I've been doing a very good job of that so far...

-Neil