Merry Christmas (Part 3)

We walked back to his house, with everything we had..

There wasn't a soul out as it was now Christmas day.. or morning.. It must have been 1-2 am or even later..

I was in a drug induced stupor, and I didn't care.. I had given up at this point..
I felt that I had no one.. that nothing mattered. I felt like the victim in everything, my parents kicked ME out on Christmas.. How could they do that to ME? I didn't for a second stop to think about what my actions were having on my family.. To have them see their own son barely able to keep his head up on Christmas eve..

Having two other sons to worry about, and family coming over to visit.. I believe they asked me to go to my bedroom first, but I refused, that's when they told me to leave..

And having discussed this after everything that happened.. it was one of the hardest things they ever had to do..
It hurt them. and tore them up to even do that to their own son..
They had a lot of guilt, and felt horrible for some of that stuff.. but it was MY fault, they had tried everything within their power to get me help..

And they still didn't give up on me, they just didn't know what else to do..
They would never kick me out for long.. they just couldn't do it... No matter what I did, or how I acted.. I was still their son.. And that kills me.. That I could put them through all of that.

I sometimes ask myself "Will I ever use drugs again?" And I always come up with the same answer..
Sure I have cravings sometimes.. And sometimes when I talk about it, I'll miss the feeling a little..
But what I don't miss.. is how it changed me.. how it twisted my morals.. It was a free for all, and I was only looking out for myself.. No one.. and I mean NO ONE else mattered..

My own mother could cry in front of me, and tell me how much I hurt her by using drugs, and the behaviors associated with it.. and I wouldn't feel anything.. Not even a twinge, until I came down..

Then, why would I want to feel bad? Why would I put myself through any emotional pain.. when for 20 dollars I could make it all go away?

It's sometimes hard to believe I had turned into that monster, but it wasn't ME who was doing all of this.. it was my addiction.. the drugs.. and it's something I've had a very hard time coming to terms with.. It's still hard living with my past.. with the judgment, with people who truly dislike me because of all of this.. Things I wish to make up, that I can't yet..

But I need to move on.. This has all happened for a reason, and I can't let it go to waste..

Sure, drugs are fun.. they feel good.. But everything that happens and the person you change into isn't worth it.
I've honestly NEVER been happier in my life.. I've changed many peoples opinions of me.. and I really want to get across that it can be done.. you don't always have to live your life as an addict.. as a statistic.. doing whatever you can for these drugs you fiend for.. There's hope out there, and a means of becoming sober.. You just need to WANT it.. and you need to fill your time with something productive..

You need to accept that drugs have taken over your life, but you always need to accept that if you ask for help, you'll find it.. There's many great people working in the addiction feild.. People who will listen to you, and won't judge you... People who are there to offer advice..

In Canada, start with addictions services... You don't NEED to go to N.A or A.A..
Even if you're unsure of quiting, make an appointment with a drug counselor.. Just cross that bridge, and go and talk to them... If anything else, it's someone you can tell anything to.. They're bound my confidentiality contracts.. you could tell them you robbed a pharmacy last year, and they're not going to call the police on you.. It's a wonderful feeling to talk to someone, to get things off your chest..

and they have the best resources out there to helping you help yourself. They can get you into programs, or groups.. things you've never heard of..
You can't just give up.. There is a better life out there.. No matter where you came from, or what you've done in your past.. Today is all that matters.. and even though you have an addiction, you can beat it, and overcome the obstacle, and just move on with your life..

There is no life with addiction, it'll never be real, or feel real..
Now this all is my opinion, you may not agree with any of it, and you don't have to.. But if you're stealing money, or sneaking around to support your habit.. do you really have it under control? If you did you would have nothing to hide..

Just something to think about..

Anyway.. getting back to the story...

We were walking back to his house.. it's a small town, and I swear not one car drove past us, and we were carrying a TV we took from there..

Not a light flat-screen... but a large 32 inch or bigger television that must have weighed 40 lbs or more..
Right through the middle of town... the main street, which is actually called MAIN STREET.. after breaking into one of the only things this town has got for it's community..

So we walked into his apartment, or stumbled I suppose.. And I sat the TV down..
We counted the money we had found.. it was over 300-400 dollars.. we split it, and still had a big container of change..

We talked about getting dilaudids.. We decided he would go, because I owed Marcus' 100 dollars..
Plus he wasn't to thrilled with me, as I brought him a gift card that wasn't activated, and told him it was good. I took him a few before that were OK, so he believed me..

So out the door he went..I was pacing in his apartment.. I was coming down, and I was craving opiates like nothing else you could imagine..

He finally came back, all messed up, and barely able to talk... he said he got one, then instantly passed out on the couch.. I tried waking him up.. but he was out like a light.. snoring on the couch... I went through his pockets, and finally found it..

I crushed it up and snorted half of it.. I sat there while he slept, and waited for him to wake up.. I tried waking him up a few times, but he just wouldn't get up..
I sat there thinking... What was I going to do.. It was Christmas.. I started to sober up from the alcohol, and the dilaudids didn't kick in yet.. I was getting scared about what I had done.. I was fucked.. I could go to jail for this...what if I got caught..

I ended up deciding I would go home... I snorted the other half of the pill, and grabbed the container of change and I started  walking home..When I got there the door was Un-locked so I went in..

-Neil

Working on the next blog post now, should be in less than 2 hours..

Thanks guys!