Two Weeks Off..

{I'm on my laptop, and it's really messed up.. this is just a quick post, i'll write another tonight when I get back home. Sorry for the typo's.. Thanks}

So we're back home, and I'm laying on the couch...

My brothers are disappointed in me.. I'm not sure when this happened, but my younger brother once told me " I used to look  up to you Neil.. Now I don't"

It broke my heart...

My relationship with him now is wonderful.. and I wouldn't change that for the world.. I love my brothers. I love my family.. I'm one of the luckiest people in the world.

Anyway, my mom was back on the phone; She called her boss and booked two weeks off of work.
I took two weeks off of school. It was weird being home.. being taken care of like I was sick.. My mother treated me like I was a victim, like I didn't do anything wrong. She loved me unconditionally.

She bought me anything I needed, juice, ginger ale.. Anything I asked for, she would get me. She just thought I was sick.. I'd be better in two weeks, and this would all be behind us..
My only goal out of this, was that I wouldn't be physically addicted anymore..

I still wanted to use, just not everyday. I wanted to be able to get high.. but I didn't want to have to wake up sick in the mornings.. I wanted to be able to get high on the weekends, and still go to school and work during the week.. And the messed up part was I thought this was realistic.. But it doesn't work like that. You'll see in my later posts how many times I tried this and failed.

I went 1 whole day without using any of the drugs I had.. and just sticking to the medication I was prescribed.. and I was so sick the next morning.. even with this medication..
I woke up, and mom was still in bed... Dad went to work, and my brothers just left for school... I took off downstairs as fast as I could..

I grabbed a spoon, and went into the small bathroom we have downstairs... It's tiny, and only has a toilet and a sink.. I took all of the ornaments and potpourri off the back of the tank on the toilet..
I took half of the 30mg hydromorphone contin, and dumped it out.. and I took an entire 200mg morphine capsule and poured it on top of the beads. I started crushing it.. It made quite a bit of noise, and a few of the beads were shooting all over the place.. I just got the lines done up, when I reached into my wallet and didn't have a bill to roll up.. I didn't even have a piece of paper..

I opened the bathroom door, and ran to the computer stand.. I grabbed a pen off of the desk.. I started to walk back to the bathroom, when I heard mom walking down the stairs.. Panic set in.. I basically ran to the bathroom, and I shut the door.. I pulled one end of the pen apart with my teeth.. The other end was stuck.. I was frantically pulling on it with my teeth, when I chipped a piece off my molar.. and got a sharp pain in my jaw, and it shot through my head like a bullet..

My mom yelled and asked if I was ok.. I lied to her and said I was just sick, and needed my medication as soon as I got out of  the bathroom.. I finally got the end off; I turned on the taps of the sink. and snorted the lines.. I was gagging, and started putting all the stuff back on the tank. I was gagging the entire time, and tried not to throw up.. I couldn't help it.. I threw up.. and it hurt so bad, it was a horrible pain, there was blood and bile coming up.. it burned, and made everything hurt.. The whole time I was doing this I plugged my nose.. to save the drug and not waste it.. when I finished, I figured that I wasted a lot of the drug.. so I poured out the other half of the hydromorphone capsule and crushed it up fast, snorted it.. then left the bathroom as quick as I could..

My mom was waiting outside, and gave me a hug.. she thought I was just sick.. she didn't know what I was doing..

She had my medication ready for me, and a glass of ginger ale to wash it down with..
I laid there, with my stomach and throat burning.. wondering how I possibly got to this point..

..Then the rush kicked in.. and I suddenly remembered.. this is why.. And in this moment, I convinced myself that this was what life was all about.. In reality, I was sniffing pills off the back of a toilet in front of my mother and laying down on the couch in my parents house, skipping school and just being a loser.

But at the point in my life I convinced myself that this was all worth it.

I was watching tv and laying there in my pj pants and a T-shirt.. at about 9am.. smoking a cigarette, and trying to keep my head up..

Well I kept that up until about lunch time.. and took more medication.. I was numb, I didn't care..
I woke up after nodding off for 20 minutes to a burning on my chest.. I dropped my smoke again, and burned another hole through it, and burned my skin. I'm lucky I didn't burn my house down.. I burned myself many times.. My mother made me stop smoking after she went to bed for fear of this..

I was happy though, and that's all that mattered right?