They brought me over to the Cumberland County Correctional Facility within an hour after being sentenced..
Knowing I wouldn't be getting out of there in 2 nights -like on weekends- made me sick..
The thought of being here for any amount of time made me cringe..
I deserved to be here, and everyone thought this is what I needed to get back on track..
But would it really be enough?
We pulled up in the sheriffs van, and they backed up to the entrance gate.. They opened the back door of the van and let me step down.. in handcuffs and shackles, which is harder then you'd think... Until you get used to it..
After almost falling over they walked up to the gate, and pressed the buzzer.. two guards walked out, and opened it up.. They escorted me into the jail..
They took be into the first set of holding cells, and had me kneel onto the bed.. they un-cuffed my legs and arms, then locked the cell door..
I could hear the other inmates from the maximum area yelling, and trying to look down the hall.. they were yelling stuff at me, calling me a "fish" and a few others names..
One guy I could see was bald, had tattoos on his neck and face, and was probably 300 lbs and well over 6 feet tall.. Having him yell at me was pretty scary at the time.. And had my mind racing..
"What did I get myself into this time" I thought...
The guards came down, and brought be a laundry bag full of clothes, and told me to strip down..
This is a pretty demeaning but necessary process.. at 18 years old I've had more male guards see me naked then girls I knew.. And this thought floated around my head.. Is this what my life is going to be like?
I had to go through this rigmarole every weekend I spent here.. but knowing I was going to be here for at least 5 months made it even worse..
I got dressed in the jail outfit.. A pair of green elastic pants, a pair of plain blue slip on shoes.. and a light green shirt that said "Correctional facility" on the back..
This was everything I dreamed of at 18 year old... I never thought drugs would get me to this point..
Each new low kept surprising me.. I don't know why, everyone told me I'd end up in jail or dead from drugs..
But at 18 years old, and being addicted to drugs.. I didn't listen or care..
I sat at the end of a long hallway in my own cell for a few hours.. yelling back and forth to the guys in max..
They wanted to know who I was, what I did.. all that stuff..
They finally came down and got me.. and handed me some bedding and towels.. They brought me down to the maximum are (where all inmates go at first here) and opened the doors.. They told me I'd be in cell 2, and opened it up for me.. I sat my stuff down and turned around and there were 3 other people standing at the entrance of my cell..
I introduced myself, and talked to each one of them.. The weird thing about this was they were all actually pretty nice guys, they just got caught up in stuff and let their lives spin out of control until they ended up here..
It was pretty routine and simple.. We watched TV, or played cards and dice.. We'd eat three times a day and all go to bed at ten..
For the first two days there I felt fine.. I had some drugs hidden, and everyday at lunch time I would crush them and snort them..
I didn't dare tell anyone I had them or I'd be harassed or muscled into giving them up. I was 110lbs soaking wet in a wool sweater at this point.. I didn't want to risk anything.
When the guards came around this day, they asked me to come with them.. I had to fill out some paper work and answer some questions about my drug use.. I told them I was starting to get really sick and feel horrible, and they decided I would have to go to the hospital to see a doctor..
.. Off to the hospital I went, wearing the "correctional facility shirt" and in handcuffs... They brought me through town in a van with tinted windows..
In a weird way I was excited to get out.. I also wanted my medication back so I was happy to see a doctor..
The two guards brought me into the hospital.. and I sat in the waiting room..
..I'll never forget that there was a little girl there, who looked at me like I was a monster.. She ran to her mom and said "mommy is he a bad guy" And I could hear her say "No, he just did bad things"..
My heart literally sunk.. I was no longer a member of society.. I was now an outcast.. a loser.. a criminal..
In a way I wanted to give up and accept my fate.. on the other hand I wanted to somehow show I was better then all of this..
For some reason I figured I could do both.. and have the best of both worlds.. over the 6 months I spent there I convinced myself moderation was the key, and that as long as I didn't do it every day, and I didn't steal in order to get my drugs.. then I wasn't doing anything wrong..
.. I ended up asking the guards if we could wait in the private room.. I was too embarrassed to have everyone look at me.. They didn't mind, so we waited in there..
A woman came in and used the phone in there... and was crying.. I didn't listen to what she was saying, but I know she was sad.. and having me in there probably made it worse.. I just looked away and pretended I wasn't there..
I got called into the doctors office finally after an hour of awkward questions from the guards about my past..
I had to tell the doctor what I was prescribed, and all the illegal drugs I was taking..
I tried to convince the doctor that I still needed my hydromorphone prescription due to pain.. but he shot that down and prescribed me codeine and Valium to ween me off of the drugs slowly instead.
He also gave me my ativan prescription for anxiety, and clonidine to help with the withdrawals..
..It was weird they would prescribe me both Valium and ativan at the same time, but I wasn't going to complain.. I was excited to have drugs, and already planned on saving them up..
And back to the jail we went...
