Hitchhiking trouble.

 {Warning.. What we did was extremely dangerous.. don't do any of this.. Someone could have died, or been seriously hurt from our actions. I'm only putting this story in, because it's honest.. and the truth about what I did... I'm putting every major event in my life that happened to me to do with drugs in this. Just please don't be stupid.. and don't do anything like this.. Thanks! -Neil }


We got home, and started talking.. We couldn't let this continue... but we had to come up with something...
They didn't end up kicking me out this time. I was lucky..
I can't remember exactly what I said, but I know it was.. but I ended up making it work out for me.

So, when I was home this week after getting kicked out... I kept using.. but only small amounts... just enough to get me high once a day.. I was trying to keep everything under control for the time being... I needed to fix everything and make a better life for myself.

The drugs went quick.. I was back in school.. back looking for drugs, buying more.
I ended up scamming one drug addict for 500 dollars one day, and 500 the next. So I had $1000.00
School was boring... unless I was high... I hated it. And I only looked forward to going if I was getting high that day.

Anyway, it was getting close to the summer time.. We all loved going to the beach..
We had this big plan on hitch-hiking there and then staying up all night, or maybe at a friends cottage we knew.
There was 3 of us... Paul, Bradly and Steven..

Before we left, I went to my aunts house... I knew she kept the 2 mg Dilaudids my grandmother used to take there. I saw them there one day when we were helping my Nan move into her new place.
.. I knew in the summer they'd be at the beach... so I walked up to there house.
I didn't know how I was going to get in... but the front door was unlocked... I took 20 of them.
I also bought 40 clonazapam .5mg pills.

On the way to the beach, we were taking the pills... but I wasn't sharing the dilaudids..
I needed them myself.

We walked and walked and walked a long the high way... we kept on sticking our thumbs out.. but no one was going to pick up these 4 kids.. Who probably looked really messed up.
I didn't bring any money with me, maybe 20 bucks? but that was it.

we kept walking, then all of the sudden, on the other side of the highway, we saw this car slam it's breaks on, and slide over to the side of the road... We instantly knew it was this girl we bought weed from.
She called us over, and told us she had acid and xtc for sale.

We ended up fronting 10 hits, and some weed.. And kept walking. We took 2 hits each, and kept walking. We finally got picked up, and taken as far as the beach store.. When we went in, I bought a bunch of cherry bombs and fireworks.

We were getting pretty messed up, and had a bit of a walk to get to heathers beach..
So I started sticking fireworks in mail boxes and running away.. the cherry bombs would blow them up... and we would laugh and laugh and laugh.

We ran and had a blast doing this ...We got to heathers beach.. we all called our moms and told them we were staying the night with a friend down there.

When we got there.. He wasn't home.. So we decided "Lets just walk into Pugwash!"
It was so dark, and hard to see... We went up to one house, and told them we lost our bikes, so they gave us a small flashlight ... We kept walking, and walking, and walking.. and the whole time we were walking... We tore down every single sign we saw.. blew up mail boxes... kicked over anything in our path and destroyed everything in sight... We left a huge mess, the whole road looked horrible.

We ended up at this little restaurant... We were so messed up at this point. We were drinking out of a garden hose.. Then, we all noticed in the window.. that there was tonnes of hard liquor. They had 1.75 Lt bottles hanging there. Rum, Whiskey, vodka and gin... So we were planning on how to get it..
"Lets break the window and grab it" one person said... We were talking about how good of an idea that was... when a cop car pulled up... Gulp... our heats sunk..

We thought we were getting arrested... He called us over, and we walked up to his window..
He asked us what we were doing in this area late at night " We're in a band, and we have a show in Amherst, but we ended up here" I said.. "Oh, what's your band name?" and I lied and made something up... We said we were from Montreal... He told us to get in, and that he would drive us to oxford...

On the whole drive to oxford, we told him all these lies, and acted like idiots... but he took us on the same path we walked when we destroyed everything... I remember saying "Oh my god! ..what happened here?" When he said something about it...
"Probably just some stupid kids" I said.. "yeah you're probably right"
The whole drive was a trail of destruction... I couldn't even believe how much of a mess we made. I was worried we'd get arrested for doing it.. but karma has a funny way of working.

We finally got to oxford, and he dropped us off at the big stop..
We went inside... I went into the bathroom to snort some dilaudids..
I remember coming back out, and we met up with a guy we knew... We asked him for a drive back.. but he said he only have enough room for 2... We asked if we could all come, and we'd just sit on laps.. but he said no... But one of the guys we were with left us... Fuck it, we said... "We didn't want him here anyway"

I was getting really high.. and I stole a few mini cans of coke outside of the store and drank them..
Just then, some of the older guys from Oxford were there.. we talked to three of them, and they were acting pretty intimidating.. so one of us said "Hey, do you guys wanna buy some acid?" We had 3 hits left..
"sure they said... what do you want for them?" "A gram of weed each" .. They gave us enough for two small joints, and then said we'd have to walk with them back to their house to get the rest..

We smoked the joints with them.. and we finally got to their house... they said "We only want one of you coming upstairs with us" So they asked Steve, and the funny part was he was the smallest at the time...
We never thought anything of it.. until Steve started running and grabbed us.. "Runnnnn!" he said... "They've got bats!"

We ran and ran and ran..... "They fucking robbed us!" we said  We talked about getting them back... but we just thought "Lets just get back to the gas station" we ended up back there... and we were all thirsty.. the one girl who was working there wasn't around... So we all stole 2 flats of mini cans of pop... Pepsi, Coke, And 7-up. and we ran to the high way..

We were sitting in the bushes and throwing them onto the highway yelling "fire in the hole" like the were grenades... We smashed so many of them, and we thought it was really funny...We kept a few each, and started walking and hitch hiking..

We were walking in the middle of the highway for 2 hours or more... There wasn't even 1 car...
I think maybe two trucks passed us.. No one would pick us up..
It was getting lighter.. and it must have been close to 5:00, maybe a little later... We all needed a smoke soooo bad. We ran out long ago... We were walking.. and I remember saying "God, if you're out there.. We need smokes so bad! I would do anything if you just gave us some smokes"
We all laughed "yeah like that'll work...

Not even 2 minutes more of walking... I found a bag that had 10 smokes in it.. We were soooo happy, jumping up and down.. it was crazy. Maybe it was a sign from god, I don't know.. I'm not very spiritual anymore. but it seemed pretty crazy.

We saw this green truck... and he picked us up.. He was an old bald man... kind of creepy looking and he was dirty and smelled bad.. I jumped in first.. and the other two guys jumped in.. He took off, then said to me "You can move closer to me if you want more room" ...There was plenty of room, and this guy really creped me out. I said "No, I'm fine here" then he told us that he slept in his truck and that "My old friend mosquito woke me up, heea heea heaaa!" we were all creped out... he dropped us on the over pass, maybe a 5 min drive from home.. and kept heading towards Amherst.

We figured we'd wait there until a guy we knew got off work in oxford, that way he could pick us up...
We were board, and we had no drugs left... we only had a few smokes.
We were sitting on top of the overpass.. we started spitting on the cars that would drive by... Then we started kicking pebbles at them.

Then we started dropping little rocks on top of the trailers and making loud bangs...
it didn't even take a minute, but Paul picked up a big rock, and threw it at a transfer truck... he meant to hit the back.. but his timing was off, and he hit the windshield.. all we heard was glass breaking.. and we started running...

We were running, and I looked behind us... and the truck driver came out with a stick.. I yelled to the guys "Run faster guys! he's got a stick!!!!" And we all took off, running as fast as we could, and ran to a little bridge called "the deep" because there's a small swimming hole underneath it.

"We can't stay here" I said... "the cops will find us"  "but Craig will be getting off of work soon!.. if we wait up there, we can get a drive with him and get away from the cops"
We ended up sitting on top of the railings on the bridge... It was turning itno a nice day.. but there was tons of black flies biting us..

"Maybe we should just walk through Saltsprings?" "No, that would take forever.. we'll be fine, plus if we see the cop car coming we'll know it's him before he See's us, and we can run"


Sure enough, a cop care came... but we couldn't tell it was a cop car until it was too late... he didn't have his lights on.. and the way the highway curves we couldn't see him.

The cop got out of the car, and asked what we were doing here.. "oh, we just went for a hike, we just finally got the the deep, we were gonna go swimming in our boxers"

"Well that's funny, because you fit the description of the 3 kids who broke a windshield out of a transfer truck" "I don't know what you're talking about... we just walked through salt springs" I said..
Well that's funny.. because a girl who knows you, said she saw you waiting on the overpass around the same time as the incident"  "You guys were coming with me..

He put us in the cop car... and away we went to jail.. my first time every getting charged for something bad I did... I was terrified..

He took us into the holding cells.. "Please don't call my mom or dad" I said "I didn't do it, I swear I didn't.. it wasn't us"

He left us in there for a while.. me and Paul were lying and saying we had nothing to do with it.
Steven ended up telling the cops "It was all me, not the other guys" a pretty solid move...
When the cops took me in, I told them I had nothing to say but I didn't do it.. I wouldn't do something like that" ... Was it Steve? "I don't think so... I didn't see anyone do anything"
I wouldn't say anything else to them.. so they put me back in the holding cell..
The bars were waving, and it was scary.. the acid was kicking in hard, and I was tripping out.

After a few hours, our parents came to pick us up... "your kids will be getting charged with destruction of property, and they'll be getting restorative justice.. since it's their first time"
My parents got me..and they were PISSED.... "How could you do such a thing.... you know he could have went off the road and died right? " I know mom, but I didn't do it, I swear.. I wasn't even around when it happened"

So, they told me I was grounded... but I told them "I'm not grounded, I didn't do anything... I'll just leave!"
We got back to the house... and mom and dad told me they had to go to Amherst that day.. I was to stay in, and not go anywhere.

I didn't listen to them.. and as soon as they left.. I took some of my money, and walked up to another dealer I knew, who was selling 12mg dilaudids at the time.. I took 200 dollars with me.. and bought 12... and on my way back, I went back to my aunts, and stole 15 more 2mg Dilaudids out of the bottle.

I walked home, and snorted 2 12mg pills.. and 5 2mg dilaudids... I was pretty messed up.. and nodded out the whole time.. I ended up falling asleep until they got home...

End.

-Neil 11/3/2012

Coming back home from choices.. (Part 1)

... I woke up, and I was sober again...
We all sat there talking (my family) about how I was allowed back after a week..
I was looking forward to giving it another try..

During that week home, I called the guy who was supposed to get me the 12's, and I asked him what happened. He told me the guy filled them with fake beads, and that they were garbage. So I asked him who was going to pay me back the money they owed me..

He said it wasn't his fault, blah blah blah.. and that he'd get me another couple of pills some day.
I knew him and his friend snorted them and made money off of me.

I had drugs at home, so it didn't really matter..
I figured I'd get high a few times, and wean myself down again before going to choices.

I snorted 2 morphine 60's the first day.. and that was it..
It got me pretty high, I felt good, and I wasn't sick.

The next day, I snorted 2 morphine, and an 8mg dilaudid...
It got me really high.. but not sick the next day.

I did this the next day...

Then I went back down to 2 morphine...
Then one morphine 60.. but I was still feeling sick.

I was going to choices the next day.. So I snorted another 60 mg morphine that night.

I was packing my stuff up to go to choices.. my parents didn't even know I was using the whole week I was there... they couldn't tell.
Maybe it was because I wasn't mixing the opiates with benzo's (benzodiazepines: Drugs like Valium, Ativan, Clonazapam xanax...etc.) .. which- like I mentioned a few times before- is one of the most dangerous combinations of drugs you can take. It's very easy to overdose on.

So before I left, I took 2 8mg dilaudid and 1 morphine with me.. in case I was getting sick there.
I also traded some Dexedrine beads for a gram and a half of weed..

I had to take the bus down... It was a long drive.. I was worried about messing up there.. I was nervous. I didn't want to get into shit, and I didn't want to ruin my chances at making this wonderful program work.

On the bus ride to choices.. I was sitting next to these two stoner looking guys.. I said to them "Hey, do you guys toke?" and they said "Yeah man, but we don't have any" .. I said "Do you have any papers?" and they said yes... So I gave them half a gram to roll up. And told them I needed 2 more papers to roll with.
We smoked the joint in Truro when we had a 15 minute stop there.. I only took a few puffs and let them finish it.

I bought a pop, and smoked a cigarette..  We got back on the bus, and they were thanking me like crazy..
I still had a gram, but I didn't wanna bring the whole thing to choices with me.. so I gave them close to half of it, and told them to keep it. They were pumped... I laid down, and slept the rest of the way there... I was getting a little paranoid.

When I got to the bus station in Halifax, I put visine in my eyes to get rid of the redness.. One of the workers from choices was picking me up, and I didn't want him to see me looking high.

He picked me up, told me he was glad to see me... and told me "I hope you keep doing well here.. you were doing great.. don't mess up this chance" .. I really wish I had of thrown out the drugs I had right when he said that... the thought crossed my mind.. but I didn't think it would hurt anyone.. "it was only one joint"

We got back to choices., and I ate supper.. the other guys were done, but they saved a plate for me..
I went to my room.. and two of the guys I knew there came in to talk to me.
"how you doing man, blah blah blah... Did you bring anything??? " I told them "I only brought a joint"

They were like "MAN you HAVE to smoke that with us, we'll do it in the shower room.. turn the showers on hot, and spray body wash in them before we get out showers.. that way they won't smell it.

That night, we all went in my room.. I got one of the other guys to roll it.. I closed my dresser with weed crumbs still in it, and got my towel and shower supplies.

We went in there, and I lit it... they turned on the showers and sprayed some body wash in them..
I lit the joint, and took a few puff of it right by the window. one guy left, and the other guy was just about to take his puff, when we saw a light shine up at the window... I threw the joint out the window, and we all took off..

I brushed my teeth, washed my hands, and got the smell of me... I left the visine on the bus, because I didn't want them finding it, because I knew they would know I was smoking weed..

I laid in my bedroom, and tried to go to sleep..

Just then, the workers called everyone into the main room..

"We just got a report from security that they got hit in the head with a burning joint"
I still to this day don't know if she was telling the truth, or if she just saw it land close to her..

"We know one of you guys were smoking weed... and if we don't find out who it was, we're kicking you all out."

They went around, checking peoples eyes.. and they came up to me, they looked for a second, then kept going.

I think we knew who it is, but it could be 2 other guys..

Now if you want to admit to it, you'll save these other guys from getting kicked out..

I raised my hand.. and said "It was me, sorry"

They took me back to my room... "Where is it" they said.. I opened my dresser, and showed them..
"That's all there was?"
"yes, I only brought one.. I was nervous about coming, and I thought it would calm me down"
Well, it got you kicked out, I hope that calmed you down enough to deal with that"

I begged and pleaded to get a second chance.. I said I would sign a contract, I would do anything, just please don't call my mom and dad! I'll be your best client here, I promise I want to change"

They told me there's nothing they can do, they can't just let me get away with it.. because if they did.. they would have to let everyone get away with it..

They wanted me out of there that night... They called my parents, who told them I had nowhere else to go..
They ended up letting me stay that last night, in my room, and I wasn't allowed to leave it.

I cried while I was in there.. I felt so stupid..

I thought about how mad my parents would be, how disappointed they would be...

I snorted a 60mg morphine I had on me, and went to sleep after crying for a few hours..
In the morning, they dropped me off at the bus station, bought my ticket home.. and left in an instant.. they were so upset with me, they knew I was better then that they said... "Neil, we know you can do this! but you've messed up too much, you're setting a bad example for the other clients, and it's not fair to them if we keep you there."

I understood.. I waited at the bus stop for an hour or more... before my bus came, I snorted the 2 8mg Dilaudids I bought with me... I got back on the bus.. and let the high kick in... it took my worries away for a little while.. the whole bus ride home... but they were starting to wear off, and I stepped off the bus..
I got into my moms car (She didn't get outside to hug me like she would have any other time) she was so disappointed in me..

I told her how sorry I was, and made up some lie about how "I only had a puff, and it was someone elses and and and..."  Then she told me something that hurt me bad.. "Me and your father were talking.. We got you a number to a case worker at social assistance, you're going to have to move out"

This BROKE me...

-End of part 1.

-Neil

Hey guys, I'm back!

Back from my speech, everything went great..
Blogspot won't let me upload my video, so i'm uploading it to you tube as we speak..

It's grainy and not very good quality, but it'll have to do. On my next speech, April 21st, I'll have a better camera, and better audio, so it'll be easier to see. Also, I'll post the dates and places if I can have other guests to come watch me.. And maybe some of you could come.

I'll let you know!

Anyway, I'm writing my next post as soon as I post this.. it'll start off where my last blog left off.
Thanks guys!

-Neil

How My Speech Went..

Well, For my first time public speaking... it went AMAZING, I was nervous for the first minute, but then I found my groove, and did great.. Theres a few things I could have done a little better, but I know that for next time.
I really got my message out there, and things are going really well..
I'm getting more speaking arrangements out of it, and everyone was really happy with my speech.

I'll post some more blog posts tonight and a few extra on the weekend for the days I missed.

Thanks guys!

Sorry again!

I'll post a post tonight, maybe 2 or just one long one.. And i'll make it up to you guys this weekend with extra posts.
I've just been super busy getting ready for tomorrow! : )

Thanks for the good luck wishes!
Can't wait to speak at ST.FX tomorrow!

-Neil

Sorry!

I'm working on my speech today... so My blog post won't be posted till later tonight.
I'm also not going to be posting till tomorrow afternoon, then Friday night.

Sorry, I know you guys are waiting for the next parts of the story, but I'm super busy.. and I need to stay focused on it.

Thanks!

-Neil

"Missed the bus"

So I purposely missed the bus..

I didn't care.. I was having fun tonight. I got kicked out for something I didn't do..
I may as well have some fun now...

We sold our bus tickets...  me and "Kris"each had about 30 dollars..
So we planned on getting drunk that night.

We met up with a few of his friends, outside of a youth shelter.. We stopped inside, and had something to eat.. then 4 or 5 of us left..
We all went to the liquor store, me and kris and another of his friends bought a 66er of rum.
The girls that were there bought some coolers.. then we headed to the tunnels..

In Halifax, by the shore, there's these tunnels you can walk through.. there's an edge on it, and you can sit in it.. so we all went there after buying a few bottles of pop and some plastic cups..

A guy came up to Kris-not his real name- and asked him if he could buy weed..
So after a few more drinks.. we walked up the sidewalk for a while... Kris told him we were meeting the guy behind this next building coming up..

We walked down the side of the building.. Then once we got to the back..  Kris said "Give me your wallet"
Dragon said " No man, I'm not a cop or anything dude, you don't have to worry about that.. Here I'll show you my I.D" Kris then said "No man, give me your fucking wallet now or I'll break your jaw!"

I was almost shitting my pants... What the fuck was going on?? he was robbing this guy? I was bad, but I wasn't that bad.. I felt so bad for the guy..

Anyway Dragon said "Neil man, we're friends, can't you stop him?" and I just turned around.. if I had of said anything, I would have gotten beat up.

He ended up giving him the wallet, he took all the guys money out, and threw the wallet back to him, then said "If you call the cops, I know where you live now from your license" I'll find out.. "

We all ran...  What the fuck just happened?? I couldn't believe this... I felt so bad for that guy.. I thought about leaving the group, and taking off to find Dragon and tell him I'm sorry, it wasn't me.. I just met these guys today... but then,  Kris pipped up and said "we're getting pills man"

Being an opiate addict, and I was drinking... I wanted to get high..

We were sitting at the square in Halifax... we waited outside, drinking while the girl went in.. she wanted liquor, not cash..  so we all left.. Fuck I thought.. I'm not gonna get a pill... Or maybe I could steal liquor and then i'll get some...

We all got split up.. I lost everyone.. alone in Halifax.. what the fuck was I going to do.. I was drunk, and didn't know my way around the city then.. I thought I was fucked... I met up with a girl I had just met once, and I told her I was looking for pills.. and I heard people trade them for liquor..
She said "Yeah, I knew a few people"

..So off to the liquor store I went.. I stole 3 very expensive bottles of liquor, one was 100 dollars, one was 80 and one was 75 dollars..
I walked out of the store, and they didn't blink an eye at me..
We left, and sold the liquor for 5 24mg Dilaudids.. We went back to her place, and I gave her 1 for taking them in... we snorted a pill each, and it made me feel amazing..

We hung out for a little bit, then left to try to catch up with some people..

We met a few guys we met just before we broke up.. Kris wasn't there.. but at least they were..
They wanted to get drunk too.. so I went into another store, and stole two bottles of hard liquor.. and we all sat around drinking it.. I didn't want much, because I was more concerned about the pills... I hated drinking, it's not my thing.. I like how it makes you feel sometimes.. but it makes me sick every time I drink. so I don't really bother with it.

I took out a pill, and snorted half of it.. one of the guys that was there asked me if he could have half a pill for half a pack of smokes.. I had no smokes, so I said yes..
That's the first time I've seen someone inject drugs... I watched him as he grabbed his chest, and laid back in pure bliss.. he just laid there.. and told us not to talk..

I left, that felt way to gross for me to be around.. and left the liquor with him..

I was with one of the girls I had met, and we met a few other guys she knew.. they were dressed up in baggy jeans and sideways hats.. and they asked me if  I could get them liquor and we could all split it..
I went back and grabbed a 40 ouncer of vodka, and a pint of rum... I cane back, and they took the bottles from me "to look at " they were like "wow kid, you're good" and they left.. I said "hey man, I thought we were splitting that.. but they just kept walking with the girl and I got robbed..

Wow, I felt stupid... I thought I was doing them a favor.. but I guess they just used me.. I was very offended and mad..

I kept walking and met one of the other girls I met up with at the very first of the story..
We walked around, and she wanted smokes.. I only had 4 left, and I gave her 1.. we smoked the other ones, and we were out.. She wanted me to go in and grab a pack of smokes form the counter and leave..
I had 10 dollars on me, but they didn't know that.. so I acted tough like I was gonna steal them.. but I was paying for them..

We went to one store, operated by an oriental man... I walked in, and he sat the smokes down on the table, and said "I need to see some I.D." I pretended I didn't hear him.. and sat 10 dollars on the counter, and said "keep the change" and started to walk out.. he was chasing me and on my way out the door, I pulled the fire alarm and gave him the finger..

I ran outside, met the girls.. and they thought it was super funny..

I walked one block, and I met this weird girl who said I looked cute.. she said "do you want a drink of wine?" I said "OK, and she tilted the bottle for me and poured it down my throat.. it was nasty strong wine.. cheap stuff like kelleys I think... it was disgusting... and I turned around the corner to the next block, when the police grabbed me, and threw me into the back of the patty wagon.. 

The girl had my smokes, and I had 2 24's in my pocket... I put the in my underwear before we got to the police station.. They patted me down, took out what little change I had, and threw me in the drunk tank..
I lied about how old I was, I used a friends name who was 19, and I knew his birthday and what year he was born in.. So they didn't charge me with underage drinking.. but they threw me in the adult cell..

Bad choice... I should have told them the truth..

I was sitting on one of the benches.. when this big Native-Canadian guy came up to me and sat down beside me.. He then whispered in my ear "I'mmm gonnnnnna huuuuuuurt youuuuu" ... I was panicking..
The officers cracked the door, and a new inmate came in, who heard what he said to me..

He said to the big guy " Leave that fucking kid alone ya slob" and then they started fighting.. the new guy beat the big guy up.. and he was passed out on the floor.. the guards flew in and said "You Two, come with us" and took them out of the cell..

I slept for a little while, with my back against the wall.... when I woke up, it was to a guard telling me I could go.. It was like 4 in the morning..

I put my shoes on, and asked the cop for a smoke.. he gave me one, and I left..

I was walking around... cold because I only had a thin sweater on..

I was starving too, because I didn't eat much that day..

So I went into a 24 hour shoppers and stole a bag of chew chips ahoy, a milkshake, and a bottle of water... I ate two rows of the cookies, and drank the milkshake.. I was drinking the bottle of water, sitting on a bench when I noticed a guy who was unloading a truck.. he said to me "Are you OK?" And I told him I was fine... Even though I was crying at this point and stuff. I really wish I knew who that man was.. I should have told him the truth, and that I was stranded here..

Anyway, I kept walking... found a pay phone and called mom. She was asking where I was.. I told her I was OK, but I needed to get picked up tomorrow.. She told me she would but said she won't be able to leave until 8..

She wanted me to go look for 2 shelters she looked up.. I tried to find them.. but I couldn't.. I didn't know my way around the city... I ended up finding 2 newspapers, and a free newspaper thing they have in Halifax.

I sat on the steps of a big business, and waited... and waited in the cold..
It was still dark... so I thought I would do another pill... I crushed the beads with a rock.. and covered it with a piece of paper.. and I snorted it off the marble step that I wiped off.. one person saw me.. and just kept walking..

I sat there, and waited and waited and waited.. for hours..
It was around 10am when my mom finally got there.. She hugged me so hard... she was so scared she said.. and she loved me and all this other stuff... it makes me feel guilty just reading this.. but the drugs were so important to me at that time that it didn't even matter..

On our way home, my cousin Steve looked at my face, and said "looks like you got knocked around a bit"
I forgot to mention this in the story... I got punched by some random guy I've never even met before, and he stole a pint I was carrying.. I can't believe I forgot that part...
Anyway, I lied to him, and said it was just the way I slept.

We stopped at the big stop after driving an hour... I wasn't high anymore.. so I figured this was a good place..
I slipped on of the spoons in my pocket and went to the bathroom...
I crushed the pill on the back of the toilet tank as fast as I could... did my lines, then went back.. I ate my breakfast of ham and eggs an toast.. and we left..

When we got home, mom was so mad at me.. she was disappointed in me... I tried to tell her my lie about how I got on the wrong bus, they told me it wasn't the right one.. and it was the one leaving now"
I told them there was no other buses going that way that night..

I told her I loved her.. and I told her I was going back to choices next week.. She was happy about that.

I went to bed an hour after I got home, and slept and slept and slept..

-End of this blog.

Thanks for reading!

-Neil

Choices (Part 2)

I got there, and met all the clients.. They were all pretty decent guys.
I got a long with one kid named Dave really well..

When you first get there, you're not allowed to go on walks for a week.. After that, you're allowed to go on walks with one other guy from there..

They have two housing areas... One for females, and one for males.
This was in the same area, just in separate hallways..

While I was there, I learned a lot... I went to school, we went on walks.. it was awesome.
There was a full music room, with every instrument there, and they wanted to put a band together to play a show while I was there.. it would have happened.. but I got kicked out after a while..

The staff there are very caring, and they really focus on healing, and finding better ways to fill your time.
We did everything while I was there..

We'd go swimming at least once a week... we'd work out every day, we'd go to a huge gym and play many different sports.. from soccer, to hockey.. basketball to handball.. it was a great time.

They took us to a mini-golf and arcade place.. they took us to see movies.
We'd go on a trip once or twice a week. We would go swimming at the sportsplex, and a few other places..
We could do whatever we wanted to while we were out... shopping, pizza, anything,

We would play pool, go to meetings to learn about addiction, help out in the kitchen... We even went rock climbing once. They will get you into boxing programs, and anything to fill your time.
During the week, it's very structured, you have to go to school, do assignments, and homework.. we would come back for lunch, then go back to school... we would always go for a walk along the shore, and it has such a great atmosphere.

The phone number of choices, located in Halifax Nova Scotia is (902) 446-4110 if you have any questions call them, or email me. neilcalder1@gmail.com
I am in no way affiliated with them, but I can answer some general questions about my experience if you would like.
I recommend this place to any youth who were having a hard time with substance abuse issues.. They also cater to people with mental health issues I'm told. This is a wonderful program.. and I really wish I could have made the best of it.. but I didn't..

I was in the bathroom one day, there was three of us in there... and one kid was getting mad and kicked the bathroom stall door a few times and broke it..

Now me and the other guy were leaving, because we didn't want to get in trouble.. but before we got out of the door one of the workers stopped us. They grabbed the guy who did it.. and sat us all down..
I told them I had nothing to do with it.. they asked me who it was and I wouldn't tell them.

They asked all three of us.. and everyone said they didn't do it. And wouldn't say who did it..

I wish the kid would have owned up to it.. but he wouldn't..

They had a few meetings, and they all agreed that we should all be kicked out of the program.. but we were allowed back after a week..

I was mad.. I felt so offended... I didn't do anything, and I was being punished for not telling on someone..
it was ridiculous..

So they dropped us off at the bus station, and bought us each a bus pass..
me and another guy-who actually didn't break the door- started talking...
The Juno awards show was going on that night.. it was a free outdoor concert..

We sold our bus tickets.. and we took off..

This seemed like such a great idea at first... but it turns out, it wasn't..

I'll write about that tomorrow.. it ended very badly.. and it was a messed up time in my life.

Thanks for reading.

-Neil

The Choices Program... (Part-1)

Now, lets fast  forward a little bit.. In order to get into the choices program I needed a referral from an addictions counselor.. I ended up changing mine a few weeks back, because her and me weren't seeing eye to eye on some things.. Remember,  I was just a stubborn kid...  
My new drug counselor was an amazing man by the name of John Rossong.. John did everything he could to help me.. and I needed to become clean in order to be accepted into the choices program..

I went to detox, pretty much finished it, then came out.. and that time, I didn't bring any of the drugs I had stashed.. I wanted to be clean, and accepted into this program..

So I wasn't using for a while.. I had some drugs stashed away.. but I had them hidden in reallly hard spots to find.. Walkmans taken apart and drugs shoved in... they still worked. So no one would think to look in there..

Anyway, I went to meet with john, and he was telling me about Choices and how wonderful of a program that it was.. they have everything, a music room, pool tables, fooz-ball tables.. Darts, a swimming pool... We go on activities, they have a great cook who makes their own meals.. You don't miss anytime in school, because they have teachers there.. plus small classroom sizes..

If your child is struggling with drugs, and doing poorly with school... If they hangout with a group of kids who you see as "Bad" then this is the best option for them. This program was amazing when I was there.. but I got kicked out once for something I didn't do... and help a little grudge.. they let me come back in a second time.. and  was gone in 1 day...

Anyway.. Please feel free to email me if you have any questions about the program..
My email is neilcalder1@gmail.com.. Others have found it by hovering over my name, or visiting my page..
So if you are a parents of an addict, please email me, and I can give you lots of advice on how to help your child stop what he's going through.. it may take a while for my response, but no more than a day.

I've already had a few parents email me, and I've had young addicts email me... I love offering advice and ways to help others through this.. so don't feel weird emailing me. I won't judge anyone.. I'm not that type of person... and I NEVER judge a person by the worst thing they've done. That gets you no where in life.

So it was all set.. I was heading for choices..

I called a guy I knew, and told them to go to the back of the store, pick up 4 cartons, and bring me 4 12's and leave them at the front of my house beside the step.. he promised he would..
I was leaving my other stash of drugs at home... I wanted to see this program through, and see if it actually works and if it's really as helpful as people say it is..

I wanted to bring 4 12's just in case it was a bad place, and I needed to get high once in a while while I was there..

So when I went to look... they weren't there...
I called him a few days after he got there and gave me some sob story about how he got ripped off, and blah blah blah... I gave him 4 12's for doing it, and he ripped me off and kept all 8 of them..

Which, ended up being a good thing..

Mom and dad were driving me down there.. they bought me smokes, and everything I needed.. gave me some money.. and bought me take out on our drive up there.. I had to be there for 10 in the morning I think..

We drove, and had great talks... talks about how I was actually going to change.. and make a better life for myself... I meant it at this time.. I really did..

When we finally got there, I finished a smoke.. and that's when they told me it was a smoke free environment.. "oh fuck" I thought..
I asked if I could go for one last smoke before going into the building... and mom said "you just had one 10 minutes ago.

So I didn't even get my last smoke..

I went into the building and up to the 3rd or 4th floor of the hospital (They changed their location many times. The picture I cropped above is their new address for people who need it. )

I walked in, and met some of the guys... they were all great guys and girls.. All the staff were amazing up-beat people.. this seemed like such an awesome spot.. Maybe I could get clean here...

They asked us for a urine sample.. but they told me it wasn't for drugs.. but I was clean then, so it didn't matter.

Anyway, they had a music room, and a giant kitchen... They asked us what we wanted to eat ... and would buy us the stuff we liked. It was really awesome how they had this place set up.. The food was amazing..

They had a pool, they took us swimming all the time, and took us out to do lots of other fun activities.. but i'll get into that in my next post.. "Part 2"

This is a wonderful program, and I recommend it to any youth who is having a hard time with drugs.. It's sad there's not more of these centers for people of all ages.. there is some, but none come close to the structure, and respect you get from choices.. I really believe if I had of tried harder to stay on my second trip, I might not be where I am today...


I'm sick with a flu bug, so I'm sorry if it's a short post... I'll post something later this afternoon.. and it's going to be a much better post, and explain choices in more detail..

Again, My e-mail is: neilcalder1@gmail.com
PLEASE don't be afraid to email me.. I'll answer any questions you have.

-Thanks again

-Neil

I.W.K for a night, then home..

On the drive to Halifax, I was mad.. I was scared they would find the 4 8's and 15 morphine I had hidden in my crotch..

I was in handcuffs, and on my way to Halifax...

Before all of this happened.. I went to my stash and got some pills out in case I was gonna be gone for a while..

Anyway, at the time.. I was scared they would find it .. so I stated acting good..  they ended up taking the handcuffs on me.. I was talking to my police escort, and he was asking me if I was trying to hurt myself... and said "why did you take so many pills"
I told him that I was just trying to get high.. and I didn't know much about drugs. I didn't know how much was too much..

It was an accident..

They took me to the "4th floor" ... it's a place where you're locked in all day... and it's a place where kids who have tried to kill themselves get put..

Anyway, we finally got there .. and they shoved me in my room.. they told me they would have their meeting with me tomorrow..
So, I laid in my bed, and was very happy they didn't find my stash..

I started to go to sleep.. then there was a knock on my windows...
There was a very weird kid running around in the hallways... he was yelling and screaming and making threats.

I was really nervous.. I just went back to bed...
I woke up and didn't really know where I was.. the drugs were wearing off..
I asked them if I could get a shower.. So I did..  but not before snorting 3 morphine..

I went into my room, and got ready, then went into to common room... I met this cute girl, and we were talking and talking... she asked if she could straighten my hair.. and I let her.. She seemed really sweet..
I asked her what she was there for... and she lifted up here sleeves..
She had cuts all over her arms... A nice pretty young girl like her.. and she had cuts on her arms.

She told me she wanted me to stay there, and we could be friends, blah blah blah..

She said to me " just tell them you actually tried to kill yourself, and they'll let you stay here" blah blah blah..

I told her I would... but I knew I was going to tell them the truth and get out of there..

I ate something, then they told me the doctors were there for my appointment..
I told them how I just took too many pills at once... I told them "My parents found them all, so when I go home they're all gone.

They told me I was allowed out of there..
They called my parents.. and they left springhill to come get me..
When they picked me up... they were so upset.. they couldn't even talk to me..

I was still high though from the morphine..
And I wanted them to talk to me..
I told them I was sorry... I was crying and everything.. I felt horrible for what I put them through.

We barley spoke on the drive home.. When we got home, they decided something drastic needed to be done.

They were making phone calls, and it turned out I would be going to a program called choices..
It's an amazing program for youth with drug addictions... It's one of the best places in the area for a youth with a drug problem can go..

The ages are 13-19 years old...

So, we were speaking quite a bit about this program.. so I decided I would give it a shot..
You had to be drug free before getting into the program, so I acted like I was..

There's more to this story, and it's going to be a long one.. I'll write it tomorrow after work. So it won't be up until night... or possibly the next day... I have to get ready for my public speaking conference at ST.FX on this Friday.. so I'll try my best to pump out a few blogs a day, but it might only be 1 at a time.. i'm going to be pretty busy this week.. Thanks guys!

Lips are turning blue..

So, I had a lot of drugs built up..

I can't even remember how many I had... but I know I had 5 or 6 baggies full of different pills..

25 Valium in one, 25 xanax in another.. a bag full of dilaudid 8's, one of Dexedrine beads, and one with Oxycontin in it..

To me, this was like Christmas...
I had everything I needed. I was happy, content, and felt like I could relax for a while..
I still had quite a bit of money.. and was searching for drugs.. but not like I was before, I was pretty relaxed about it.. because I knew I didn't have to worry about it..

It was a Friday.. I was on the computer after school.. when a guy I know messaged me..
He told me he had 60mg morphine pills and he was selling them for 4 bucks a piece.. I bought every one he had..

I ended up getting over 50 of them.. And as soon as I had them I started crushing them..
I remember having peach stains all over my shirt.. because I would put them in my mouth, then wipe the coating off on it..

I was taking 4 at a time.. which is A LOT.. Way too much for me at the time, even with my tolerance..
I remember I woke up on Sunday, and I took at least 10 Valium and probably the same amount of xanax..
Now, if I just took these, I would have been fine.. But being an opiate addict.. I wanted to get really high, and not be sick..

I wasn't sick this morning when I woke up.. I had so many different drugs in my system that I was fine when I woke up..
But I knew taking benzo's before using opiates would get me higher.. The problem with this.. is it's a deadly combination. Most overdoses are caused from mixing these two substances.. or any downer with another downer.. You can stop breathing from respiratory depression... You end up running out of oxygen..

When you have a lack of oxygen, your lips start to turn blue.. followed by the rest of your skin..

So the pills were starting to kick in... I was feeling dizzy, and care free.. I thought this would be a good time to get high..
I went upstairs, and grabbed a few pills from my stash..
I took 2 dilaudid 8's and 4 or 5 morphine..
I crushed them all up, and made at least 10 lines.. I snorted them all, then washed my face..

I came back downstairs, and then laid on the floor watching TV.. with my head on the couch..
I remember feeling really good, then I sort of blacked out..

My parents were shaking me, and trying to get me up.. They asked me what I took, and I felt like I was fine.. I told them nothing, but I was slurring my words, and my lips were turning blue..
They were getting scared.. and wanted to take me to the hospital..

I argued and yelled because I was so out of my mind.. I was getting mad at their accusations.. Like I was the victim.. They offended me.. and if I could play it off, I could win this argument..
But I was slipping in an out of reality.. I was nodding off, and having a hard time catching my breath.

My mom started looking through my room... I had my drugs hidden everywhere.. Every bag was hidden in a different place.. She tore everything apart.. and didn't find anything at first.. I was laying on the bed.. and she was saying she was going to take me to the hospital.. I didn't want to go... I was fine, Fuck this... I told them I was going to leave.. I was in my bedroom, and mom was looking through my clothes that were folded up and sitting on my chair..
At the bottom of the pile, sitting in a shirt pocket.. were the baggies of xanax and valium..
Mom was scared... "How many of these did you take?" she said..
"Only a couple... I'm fine"

She was talking to dad, and they were trying to convince me to go to the hospital.. I was getting madder and madder.. and I wasn't making any sense from what I was told.. I was slurring and passing out during our conversation.. I wouldn't leave with them.. So they did the only thing a responsible parent could do..
They called an ambulance..

I was so mad.. but I didn't really know what was going on... I knew she found some of my drugs.. but as long as she didn't find my opiates.. everything would be OK.

The ambulance got there.. and they were asking me to come with them.. I argued and fought and I was so angry with everyone.. Then the police came in..

Living in a small town, you get to know all of the officers pretty well. They're all good people, and I feel bad for the bullshit I put them through.. But on this day, No one could talk me into leaving..

It was sometime in late November.. before Christmas..
My mom had boxes of decorations in the front hallway.. I remember standing there, and one of the police officers, whom I know quite well came in.. and said " Neil, You need to come with us to the hospital.. You can either do this the easy way.. or do this the hard way"

I started walking towards him, and suddenly kicked boxes of decorations.. Christmas bulbs were flying and breaking everywhere..
So obviously the rest of the story is pretty straight forward.. I was handcuffed, and taken into the ambulance.. I was first taken to the hospital in town.. They were making phone calls, and asking me what I took.
They wanted me to give them a urine sample but I refused.. I remember I was getting tired.. I was sitting in the examination room.. and I wanted to take a nap. I remember going to sleep..

As soon as I woke up, they wanted me to go to the I.W.K.. After some more arguing, I had to go.. in handcuffs, in the back of an ambulance..

-End.

I'm very sorry to my family... Thinking back on this, I know how scared you must have been.. I'm not a violent person, but drugs consume you and change the way you think. It scares me to think I could act like this.. it really does..
I wish I could take it all back.. but I can't.. But I want you to know how sorry I am... I'm just glad I've got a chance to prove to you how great of a person I truly am.. Sorry..

lots of money for little work..

..This idea made so much sense.. Why steal from people I love, when I can steal from other addicts..
I'm preventing them from doing drugs, while making my wallet fatter.. Is it really that bad?

I rationalised everything.. it didn't matter what it was.. I could have stolen from the pope and made a tale about how it was OK.. to delay the guilt, the shame and the pain from doing it..

It seemed too easy.. I had so many people messaging me.. And while I was talking to them, I would say "Don't tell another soul about this or I won't do it" I had to keep this private for as long as I could to make as much money as I could..

We talked about details.. how I would send them, how I would accept a payment...
We figured I'd accept a western union money order for payment.. and when I mailed it.. I would buy a big candle, hollow out the bottom of it, put the drugs inside, and melt the wax back over it.. then slap the sticker back on the bottom and mail it out..

It was simple.. I didn't even talk to some guys for more than 20 minutes and they'd be sending me 200 dollars through western union..
I used my real name at first.. with a fake address.. I would walk over to the sears outlet and accept it..
I was doing this everyday.. sometimes twice a day for almost 2 months..

I ended up lying to the guys, I'd tell them it got sent back to me, so I had to send it back out..
I would sometimes mail them a blank express post envelope with a tracking number on it just to get them to send the money..
A few of them would say they wanted the tracking number before they would give me the "secret answer" on the western union transfer..

It was too easy..

But at the sears outlet, they started to get a little suspicious... How did I make so much money.. I was 16, and wasn't working.. I can't remember what lie I told them exactly.. I said I was selling old books I found that were worth money.. The only reason I did this, was because I went there one day with 4 books I bought from the library.. they were older, and it just flew out of my mouth..

I started to think that things were getting a little too sketchy in my own town.. So I would use a fake name, and go to Amherst..

Before, you didn't need I.D to collect a money transfer.. you could just use a secret question and answer..
Some days I would have to collect three at a time, all from different places, all over 150 dollars...
I was making so much money, and spending it just as fast..

I had all my debts paid off, I had so many drugs.. I bought them from everyone I knew..  I had valium, xanax, xtc, Dexedrine, dilaudids and Oxycontin.. I was set.. I didn't have anything to worry about..

Eventually, my luck ran out.. one person posted that I ripped them off, and there was over 25 replies saying I ripped them off too.. So that didn't work out obviously..
I ended up going to a few different message boards, and changed my screen name on this one.. I ended up getting banned from all of them for ripping them all off, and it didn't turn out too well..

I never got in trouble, they couldn't just call the cops and say "I wanted to buy drugs off of him, and he stole the money" obviously that wouldn't work.. So Nothing ended up happening, or so I thought.. but Karma has a funny way of showing itself..

I was over indulging.. I had way too may drugs for a 16 year old to have.. actually, one pill is too much, one joint is too much... I didn't really touch on this much.. but I used to smoke a lot of pot.. I don't anymore obviously, and I actually despise it.. but do I think it's all that bad? In a way.. no, I know a lot of people who use marijuana, and have never tried any harder drugs..
I also know people who smoke it everyday without rest.. but a good percentage of them aren't out robbing a store to buy weed, they're not sick on the floor from not having it.

Now I don't condone the use of it, but I don't demonize it either.. I think it got me into a group of friends who knew about other drugs.. it's gotta start somewhere.. but I believe I would have ended up trying them anyway.. I would see them on TV, and it just seemed so awesome.. before I did drugs of any kind, I did a project on them. The high itself seemed so amazing, it intrigued me.. I don't know if it's really a gateway drugs.. And I don't care. A lot of people have asked me about this..

No amount of drugs are good, no type of drugs are good... you can abuse any substance, from marijuana, to caffeine pills.. coffee to cigarettes.. Alcohol to tv...  Moderation is key in the use of anything.. eating fast food, or even exercise.. you just need to use your head, and be aware of the dangers of anything. I'm not going to talk about marijuana anymore. I don't do it, and I never will again. the last time I did it I was so paranoid I had a panic attack. So pleasssse don't email me asking me about it, and if I'm going to post about it.. We all know it's not 100% harmless.. Alcohol is legal, but there is thousands of deaths from it every year.. The crime involving alcohol is huge. People get drunk, and lose their reasoning.. and end up doing stupid stuff..-And yes, there's no LD-50, or overdoes potential from weed, I know all of the arguments-
It's the same with drugs.. And that's where I found myself. I lost control, I lost insight to myself.

The line between good and evil grew closer and closer each time I got high. When would I stop? When would I learn?

Well come to find out.. having thousands of dollars worth of drugs when you're 16years old, usually ends up in a mess one way or another.. I ended up in the I.W.K.. with a police escort, trying to find out how much of what drug I was on...

That will be in my next post.. Either this afternoon or tomorrow..

Thanks for reading.. and sorry if my thoughts are all over the place.. I'm sick today,.

-Neil

next few months..

The next few months are basically the same..

I used drugs, lied, and did whatever I could to get them..

I always found a way, and always seemed to find them each day.. It was almost too easy for me..
I was rarely sick, so I didn't need to do anything desperate.. but all "good things" come to an end..
Sources run out, people stop lending you money or drugs.. and you burn all of your bridges..

I was seeing a drug councilor in springhill, my mother called and made my appointments.. and I would talk about how things were going..
I don't think there was one day I was honest with him.. I lied, and didn't want anyone knowing my secrets..
I told him I was clean, I was doing well.. blah blah blah..

I remember one day she had me doing up invitations.. licking stamps, putting the papers in envelopes, and sealing them..
I think I did close to 100 of them..

When I was done, I went to talk to her, and I was starting to get pretty sick..
I had no money, and didn't use yet that day.. I was getting pretty desperate..

I remember telling her I needed 20 dollars to pay back a debt.. I had her believing me that things were messed up and I really needed it.. I swore I would never tell another person if she gave me 20 dollars.. and I didn't until today..

She could have lost her job, but she was worried about me.. and worried I might get hurt if I didn't pay this person back.. She reached into her purse and handed me 20 dollars.. I thanked her and left in a hurry..

I ran to go see Marcus'.. once I got there he was asking me about the 100 dollars I owed him at the time.. I told him I'd have it for him, but I needed to buy a pill today because I was sick..
He heard this excuse many times before..
He threatened to keep the money and not give me anything...
I remember asking and pretty much begging for him to give me a 12mg pill..

I left his house with the pill in my hand.. and walked into my house.. Mom was there, and asked how my meeting went.. I lied about how helpful it was, and how it was really making a difference..
I grabbed a pudding, and made a sandwich fast and put it on a plate..

I ran to my room, and threw the sandwich out, and poured the beads onto the plate and started crushing..
I pushed the spoon too close to the edge of the plate, and spilled half the beads onto my dresser.. I picked up every single bead.. it took me 15 minutes or more, but I didn't miss a bead.. I was relentless..

When it happened, I almost started crying.. This was the mossssst important thing in my life at that moment.. And nothing would stop be from getting it into me..

I snorted it, and instantly felt relieved..  I licked the plate and spoon, and then laid down in my bed..
I waited a few minutes, with my eyes closed.. and then lit a smoke.. I kept my eyes closed the whole time, flicking the ashes to the floor.. I only cared about this feeling that was coming..

It starts in your chest.. you feel the drug pulsate through your body.. carried through your veins.. your stomach and bowels tighten.. your stomach makes weird noises.. it's instant relief from withdrawal..
You go from having flu like symptoms, to immediate gratification..
It's hard to describe to people who have never tried it.

It effects your body, and your mind... You have anxiety, stress, worries and guilt.. and it's quickly erased and filled with positive thoughts and a positive outlook. I would get high and my life would seem OK.. I had it all under control.. I would lie about how well I was doing, and wanted other people to be happy and feel as good as I did.. I lied to my parents about my marks, about stuff at work, about being clean.. I couldn't let them find out my real life.. and how out of control it was.

I knew it was out of control when I was sober.. but it was like my body was taken over.. you need to get high.. you need this drug... and you'll do anything to get it..
You destroy everything in your path.. you kill relationships, trust, love and passion.. you're devoted to this drug.. you're a slave to it..

I did things I would never think of doing.. Things I told myself I would never do..

I came downstairs... and talked to mom, and lied to her, told her how much progress I was making with my meetings, and how well school was going..

She didn't leave the room for 10 seconds, when I slipped my hand into her purse and pulled out her bank card.. I made some excuse to leave, and took out 40 dollars.. I went, bought two more pills, and came back.. As soon as she left the room, I slipped it back into her purse..

Writing this hurts me... it's hard to talk about, hard to think about.. The hell I put my family and friends through.. but it's the truth.. it needs to come out. I need to give insight to how powerful addiction is, and to what lengths people will go to get their drug..

I woke up the next morning, and skipped school..

I got high, and went on the computer..

I was posting on a drug message board all the time.. offering advice, and answering peoples questions. I had thousands of posts, and was pretty well respected on this forum.. everyone knew my name, and looked forward to my answers..

People often asked me to send them drugs.. and I refused.. but then I got a "great idea" .. I saved all my empty capsules, and took a picture of them.. plus some of the other drugs I ended up having..
I posted a picture of hundreds of pills, most of them empty.. but it got quite a stir, and people started asking me to send them some.

I got the "Brilliant" Idea I could rip these people off to support my own habit.. and I did..
I made a few thousand dollars within 3 weeks.. and spent it as fast as I got it..

I'll explain it it more detail tomorrow.

Thanks for reading guys..

Update..

Just a quick update about where things are going..

My blog is growing bigger everyday.. I'm getting people from all over the world reading my blog.. I was getting on average 300 views a day..

On Tuesday.. my views jumped to almost 2600 in just one day..
Yesterday I had 900..
And today I have 800+ and the day is only half over..

Thank you all for sharing my link, and for your kind comments and support..
I'm getting emails from people asking me for advice, and I'm really making a difference..

I was also asked to speak at ST.FX in NewGlasgow next Friday, the university is having a conference on the correctional service of Canada(CSC) as well as addiction and the methadone maintenance program..

I'm really excited about that.. I've got some other work coming up with addictions services and I'm speaking in April at a doctors conference on prescription drug abuse and the way addicts lie to doctors to get prescriptions..

I'm so grateful, and so proud of where my life is taking me.. I'm so lucky to be where I am today..
Things are great, and they keep getting better..

Thanks guys!

-Neil

Handful of happiness..

What keeps you going each day? Your children? your job? prospects of a better future?
What makes you get up each day with a smile?

For me, it used to be knowing I was getting high that day.. nothing else was important. I didn't care if I had a girl friend, I didn't care if my marks were good.. I hated working..
The only thing that got me out of bed everyday was knowing I had a stash of pills somewhere on me..


.. It was a sad and bleak life.. Everything revolved around getting high..


I woke up for school.. with a smile on my face.. I had a baggie full of pills, and had a handful more coming that morning.. I couldn't wait..

I got up, and got a bath and brushed my teeth in about 10 minutes.. Then I was out the door, on my way to school..
I got there pretty early.. there wasn't many people around..
A few people came up to me to say hi.. and I brushed them off, I told them I would be right back..
I went to the bathroom, and started crushing pills..

I can't remember how many I did that day, but I know it was a lot...
The more I had, the more I did.. I was finding it harder and harder to hold onto them..
Before, if I only had 3 pills.. I could do one a day..

That quickly turned into me doing all three, and being sick the next day...

I remember snorting one line.. then someone came into the bathroom... he was quickly followed by one of his friends.. They sat there and talked for what seemed like hours.. I just wanted them to leave so I could snort the rest of my pills.. They were holding me up..

They just sat there talking.. I decided I didn't care, so I flushed the toilet, and started snorting.. hoping they couldn't hear me.. I was gagging by the end of it..

I sat there after I was done.. And ran my finger along where the lines were, then licked the powder off..
I loved the taste.. At first it was disgusting, but my body grew to love it.. it tasted like Tylenol, but to me, it was like powdered candy..

They were still there after about 5 minutes of me sitting there waiting..
I had to meet someone, so I just said fuck it and walked out.. they both stopped talking and looked at me..
I remember thinking to myself "fuck off you stupid little pricks"

I got to the sink, and started to wash my hands.. That's when I looked in the mirror..
I had powder all over my nose, and down my lip..
They saw it.. and I panicked.. I wiped it off with my wet hands, and then dried them..

I walked out of that bathroom without saying a word..
I was so scared they would tell someone, and word would get out.. my mom worked at the school.. this couldn't happen..

I went out to the hallway.. and met up with a few of my friends.. they asked me if I wanted to smoke a joint with them.. I told them I'd catch up with them.. I waited at the first floor lobby, and watched as these two kids walked out.. I started to walk up to them, to confront them.. when I started to feel the effects of the drugs.. I turned around, without them seeing me.. and walked out the front doors..

I can't confront these two kids.. what am I gonna say to them? Am I going to threaten them to not say anything? obviously not.. I wasn't a tough kid.. I didn't like confrontation.. I just figured I'd let it go.. if they said anything I'd probably be able to lie my way out of it..

I crossed the street, and lit up a cigarette.. I was getting really high at this point.. I remember feeling so good, and I suddenly didn't care about those kids.. I didn't care about anything.. Nothing was going to stop me from feeling like this.. it was important to me.. and it was my main goal in life.. Maintaing this feeling..

While I was smoking, one of the guys I was talking to the day before came up to me..
"hey Neil, listen.. I couldn't get 20 of those pills, but I did get you 10.. I'll give you the other 10 tomorrow"
I said to him " It's not me you owe them too, it's the guy I got the weed from.. I'll tell him, but he won't be happy.. "

That's when he said to me "You're high right now, are you sure they're not for you?"

.. Fuck I thought.. What was I going to say now.. did everyone know? Could everyone tell?

"Yeah, he gave me one yesterday and I just did it to try it out.. I don't see why people even like these.. Anyway, they're not for me, I'll give him these and tell him the rest are coming tomorrow.. just don't fuck me over, because I'm the one who's name is on the line"

.. He left.. and I sat there for a minute.. finishing my smoke.. I remember starting to get worried about people knowing what I was doing.. Then I thought, the only reason he knows is because he gave them to me yesterday, no one else can tell" So that was that...
You could have told me live at 5 was going to go on air and say I was on drugs.. and I would have rationalized it wasn't a big deal.. Drugs effect the way you see things, the effect your morality.. right from wrong.. They seem to get mixed up.. you just stop caring..

I went back inside, and was talking to a girl I know.. I wasn't nervous, I was more out going... I had an answer for everything, I could make people laugh.. it seemed like people liked me more when I was high..
I liked myself more when I was high.. and that's what scared me..

I felt like all of the outgoing people I knew.. the ones who were friends with everyone.. the guys who could talk to any girl felt like I feel when I'm high. I felt like I was missing something, so I basically considered it self medicating.. Why change a thing now? I was happy.. and that's all that mattered.. As long as I didn't steal, or hurt anyone else.. I should just keep doing what I'm doing.. it's not like it matters..

So that was that.. I convinced myself that getting high was the best way to deal with any of my problems..
I would get high for school, for dates or before going to a party..
I would get high in the morning, at night, on the weekends, on week days..

I rarely went a day without drugs.. I ALWAYS found a way to get them. I would con, lie, steal and manipulate people into giving me what I wanted..  That's all my life became.. One big series of lies to help the other lie out.. to get what I needed... what I wanted.. And for quite a while, it worked out great for me..