CBC interviews coming up!

Hey guys,
 I'm sorry for my hiatus I took, but I've run into personal health problems
 regarding sciatic nerve pain which is controlling a lot of what I've been doing and causing a lot of health issues and pain..

I'm on Lyrica and Gabapentin (non-narcotic drugs) for the pain as I have almost 5 years clean in!
It's working well now so I'm going to get back to posting more of my story, it won't be daily but at least a few times a week... I'm also working on my auto-biography about what I've gone through.


Anyway, I thought I would let you all know that I did a piece for CBC's "Go Public"
It's airing this Monday (September 2nd) on a few different media types.

It will air on your Local CBC at 6:00PM, AST-Atlantic Standard Time- and then again at
10:00PM, AST on The National CBC station.

Atlantic Standard time is UTC-Coordinated Universal Time- minus -4 hours. so UTC-4.
This should help some of you find out what time this will air in your area.

It will air on CBC's Radio Stations, And it will also air on CBC's website..

So please check it out. I hope to record it, upload it onto my blog and let my readers from outside of Canada to watch it. I will also post the address of their website where it airs so you guys can watch it!

Thanks for the support, keep checking back every few days for new blog posts and feel free to contact me anytime.

neilcalder1@gmail.com

I answer a lot of emails every week (sometimes dozens) so don't be scared to contact me with ANY comment, problem or issue.
I take pride in keeping your identity safe and 100% confidential. I also am able to help you get into programs or share my experiences for you!

Take care and thank you for reading! I can't believe that after 4 months I'm still getting thousands of readers a day..

Enjoy the long weekend, and enjoy the interview... Please protect your health cards as you would a credit card!

-Neil J. Calder

Blogger, Anti-Drug Advocate, Public speaker,
Volunteer and expert in the field of drugs.

Online drugs (Part 2 of 3)

This one is going to be focusing on anabolic steroids and their derivatives and precursors that are now legal, yet have the exact same side effects as normal steroids.

Also, the fact you can buy REAL Anabolic Steroids and powders, and make your own... just like the guy who was busted in October with a huge supply of them, vials, needles,powdered steroids worth $5.000 each and $25,000 in cash...

http://atlantic.ctvnews.ca/halifax-man-charged-in-major-steroid-bust-1.984818


Just watch that video, and you'll have your mind blown at how easy it is..

When I was under age SWIM (someone who isn't me)  ordered some of the same things..
It was so easy for SWIM and he could get them very cheap... then take these to a gym SWIM pretended to work out at, and mentioned things to some of the people you could tell were already on steroids..

Swims prices were cheaper then others, and the quality was the same... Swim also sold stuff to counteract the side effects of these drugs and Viagra..
This was all to support his own drug habit, and he did this when he was under age, and the statue of limitations is up on something like this... Swim also changed, so please don't try to investigate Swim.
This could all be a lie and he could be dead, so I couldn't help with any details.

Anyway, it took this guy less then a half hour to find a legitimate unlimited supply of these... The site is now shut down, but I was able to find another one after 30 minutes or so... One that ships to Canada... I sent them emails from my fake email.. and I'm hoping they respond asking about the potency, and if they can ship it discreetly...
(STOP)


Start again..

I got an email, and they ship very discreetly inside of normal products like books, or double layer the box to order powder...

They label it as something else...

I looked on message boards, and this site is the real thing... The drugs have been tested by other chemical companies.. and each drug ordered from these sites contain the same MCG or MG it says..
Buuuuuut, some of the preservatives found in them are dangerous, and if someone was using these long term or double/triple stacking... it could end up being toxic to your kidneys and liver..

Scary thought eh?

I actually believe if you WANT to use steroids, they should be easier to get from a doctor... That way you know what you're getting.. and they can prescribe them things to counteract the negative effects associated with anabolic steroid use
Right now, at a verrrrrrry decent cheap price I'm able to buy any of these at all, and as many as I wanted of them... which they would ship in different packaged under different names like "indigo" or "amazon" to be "careful"


    Anadrol
    Andriol
    Anavar
    Deca Durabolin
    Dianabol
    Dynabolic
    Equipoise
    Halotestin
    HCG - Pregnyl
    HGH - Growth Hormone
    Masteron
    Sustanon
    Testosterone Cypionate
    Testosterone Enanthate
    Testosterone Propionate
    Testosterone Suspension
    Primobolan Depot
    Testosterone
    Trenbolone / Parabolan
    Turanabol
    Winstrol

I could also get Clenbuterol... here's a quite from wiki.... it's a stimulant..

"Clenbuterol is not an ingredient of any therapeutic drug approved by the US Food and Drug Administration[1] and is now banned for IOC-tested athletes.[2] In the US, administration of clenbuterol to any animal that could be used as food for human consumption is banned by the FDA"


I could also order anti estrogens like:

Anastrozole
Arimidex
Aromasin
Clomid
Clomida Tablets AP
Essential Forte as well as many others.... which counteract some side effects of steroid use.

They sell needles, pain killers, anti-depressants and FAKE Cialis, Levitra, Viagra and other "generic" E.D medications (these don't exist, there's no patent for generic drugs of these sorts... so you can only imagine what you're really getting... Probably poison.

They also had brand name Viagra on there for $100.00 CND... which is more expensive then the actual prescription of it in Canada... it's around $75.00 for 4.. not 100... And after another quick search, these aren't "REAL" brand name Viagra,  it's counterfeit... even the packaging doesn't look the same people have said... And their "holographic logo" is piss poor in production and doesn't look the same.


Anyway, if you have questions or comments feel free to email me at neilcalder1@gmail.com
I will NEVER give the link to these websites to anyone, so don't bother asking if you're interested.
If you want to use steroids, talk to your doctor and get your test levels tested... if it's even a little lower, they'll give you Anadrol... Be safe, and if you're reading this and you're still using any type of drug... Email me and we can chat..

Take care everyone..

-Neil .C

Check this crazy S**T out...

I got an email from a girl, who must have got it on my blog trying to sell me thiophene....

WTF? I've never posted my email on any of  their sketchy sites, nor had it open, and have the best anti-virus/spyware products on the market...
This came because of my blog...

It's getting to be way to easy to buy drugs online... look up thiophene online, and see what it is..
It's a chemical used to produce precursors of other drugs.... A chemical which has normal uses, but I know it's because of my blog.. And also sell other "legal" drugs and research chemicals online. They only know SOME of the short term effects of these drugs, none of the long term...

Just like "bath salts" causing people to go crazy... I'm sure most people would rather be around someone on real methamphetamine then bath-salts.... I for one don't feel like getting beaten or eaten..
 .... Just saying... Haha. Take care, and email me anytime.

neilcalder1@gmail.com

Stay safe, Stay clean...

Neil

Online Drugs... Part 1 or 3.

Sorry I haven't been posting.. but I'm taking a break from talking about my past too much.
I've been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder, and I'm just coming to terms with it all.. Things are getting better, I'm doing great.. and I'm just focusing on getting into school and fixing the problems I have (should be easier then beating a severe drug addiction haha)

Anyway, I want to talk about "legal" online drugs..

I used to buy prescription and non-prescription drugs online with ease.... with a credit card and a little research it doesn't take much to get what you need in 4-5 days.

I was wondering how long it would take me to find a legitimate site to order drugs from...

In 15 minutes I found ways to buy ketamine, "bath salts" vicodin and research chemicals...
The DEA does shut down a lot of these sites, but the second they do a new one pops up..
To me that's disgusting, and weird people can keep getting away with this...

Also, most of the online pharmacies end up sending you a bad product that can be contaminated (and usually is) with dangerous chemicals and even poisons... Some Viagra,Cialis and "Vicodin" bought and tested contained banned chemicals for use in the production of medication or food... Drugs that are carcinogenic and are honestly pure poison.. if you do a quick google search you can read horror stories for yourselves.. even cancer drugs are being sold online... in the states they're so expensive some people are desperate and order them thinking they can save some money... Check to make sure these sites are FDA approved.

Most people aren't taking these as directed... which might not harm you too bad, these people are abusing these medications and taking a handful each time... The liver damage and irreversible effects from this can be life threatening.

Then they find ways around these laws... and they're "legally" allowed to sell these chemicals..
They're just a Precursor(in the form of chemistry)

•  a compound that participates in the chemical reaction that produces another compound
  
  So Ketamine HCL is illegal to sell, buy or possess...
  but 2-MEO-Ketamine isn't illegal either is " N-Ethyl-Ketamine"... and feels the exact same... The problem is this isn't pharmacy quality, who knows what the hell are in these?
  
  Another I found a few days ago were "Diazapam Tablets"... But they contained no diazapam at all, instead it contained Seconal.. or "secobarbital" which is a barbiturate.. These aren't even close to being "as safe" as "diazapam" or other barbituates.. that's why you NEVER hear of them being prescribed anymore.. They're not as safe as drugs like Ativan,Valium, xanax, klonopin..etc..  .. It's much easier to Overdose on barbituates then it is benzodiazepines..
  
  
  Now there's another legal drug named Etizolam.. Which is structurally related to benzodiazepines listed above.. Ativan=LorazaPAM, Valium=DiazaPAM, Xanax= Alprazolam..
  The only difference is that the Etizolam molecule differs from a benzodiazepine in that the benzene ring has been replaced by a Thiophene ring.. 1mg of this drug is said to be equal to 10mg's of Valium..
  
  The fact I could buy this right this second online scares me... You don't know what's in these drugs... People write "reviews" on these products... but do you really think they're going to post the horrific reviews on these drugs? of course not... 90% of them are most likely written by the company themselves..
  
  Now I believe in harm reduction... If you have problems with anxiety/insomnia see your doctor or mental health.. get a legal prescription and know what you're getting..
  
  
  I'm not posting any of these sites, and they are actually hard to find in a way unless you know what you're looking for... but I could when I was 16 and I used to all the time..
  
  Use care and caution, and please don't worry about me.. I'm doing great, and always will.
  
  Questions or comments? Email me @ neilcalder1@gmail.com
  Even if you just need someone to talk to.
  
  Take care guys, and keep checking back, I'm going to be posting a lot more.
  
  -Neil J. C.
  

  
  

CCCF..

They brought me over to the Cumberland County Correctional Facility within an hour after being sentenced..

Knowing I wouldn't be getting out of there in 2 nights -like on weekends- made me sick..
The thought of being here for any amount of time made me cringe..

I deserved to be here, and everyone thought this is what I needed to get back on track..
But would it really be enough?

We pulled up in the sheriffs van, and they backed up to the entrance gate.. They opened the back door of the van and let me step down.. in handcuffs and shackles, which is harder then you'd think...  Until you get used to it..

After almost falling over they walked up to the gate, and pressed the buzzer.. two guards walked out, and opened it up.. They escorted me into the jail..

They took be into the first set of holding cells, and had me kneel onto the bed.. they un-cuffed my legs and arms, then locked the cell door..

I could hear the other inmates from the maximum area yelling, and trying to look down the hall.. they were yelling stuff at me, calling me a "fish" and a few others names..

One guy I could see was bald, had tattoos on his neck and face, and was probably 300 lbs and well over 6 feet tall.. Having him yell at me was pretty scary at the time..  And had my mind racing..
"What did I get myself into this time" I thought...

The guards came down, and brought be a laundry bag full of clothes, and told me to strip down..
This is a pretty demeaning but necessary process.. at 18 years old I've had more male guards see me naked then girls I knew.. And this thought floated around my head.. Is this what my life is going to be like?

I had to go through this rigmarole every weekend I spent here.. but knowing I was going to be here for at least 5 months made it even worse..

I got dressed in the jail outfit.. A pair of green elastic pants, a pair of plain blue slip on shoes.. and a light green shirt that said "Correctional facility" on the back..
This was everything I dreamed of at 18 year old... I never thought drugs would get me to this point..
Each new low kept surprising me.. I don't know why, everyone told me I'd end up in jail or dead from drugs..

But at 18 years old, and being addicted to drugs.. I didn't listen or care..

I sat at the end of a long hallway in my own cell for a few hours.. yelling back and forth to the guys in max..
They wanted to know who I was, what I did.. all that stuff..

They finally came down and got me.. and handed me some bedding and towels.. They brought me down to the maximum are (where all inmates go at first here) and opened the doors.. They told me I'd be in cell 2, and opened it up for me.. I sat my stuff down and turned around and there were 3 other people standing at the entrance of my cell..

I introduced myself, and talked to each one of them.. The weird thing about this was they were all actually pretty nice guys, they just got caught up in stuff and let their lives spin out of control until they ended up here..

It was pretty routine and simple.. We watched TV, or played cards and dice.. We'd eat three times a day and all go to bed at ten..

For the first two days there I felt fine.. I had some drugs hidden, and everyday at lunch time I would crush them and snort them..
I didn't dare tell anyone I had them or I'd be harassed or muscled into giving them up. I was 110lbs soaking wet in a wool sweater at this point.. I didn't want to risk anything.

When the guards came around this day, they asked me to come with them.. I had to fill out some paper work and answer some questions about my drug use.. I told them I was starting to get really sick and feel horrible, and they decided I would have to go to the hospital to see a doctor..

.. Off to the hospital I went, wearing the "correctional facility shirt" and in handcuffs... They brought me through town in a van with tinted windows..
In  a weird way I was excited to get out.. I also wanted my medication back so I was happy to see a doctor..

The two guards brought me into the hospital.. and I sat in the waiting room..
..I'll never forget that there was a little girl there, who looked at me like I was a monster.. She ran to her mom and said "mommy is he a bad guy" And I could hear her say "No, he just did bad things"..
My heart literally sunk.. I was no longer a member of society.. I was now an outcast.. a loser.. a criminal..
In a way I wanted to give up and accept my fate.. on the other hand I wanted to somehow show I was better then all of this..

For some reason I figured I could do both.. and have the best of both worlds.. over the 6 months I spent there I convinced myself moderation was the key, and that as long as I didn't do it every day, and I didn't steal in order to get my drugs.. then I wasn't doing anything wrong..


.. I ended up asking the guards if we could wait in the private room.. I was too embarrassed to have everyone look at me.. They didn't mind, so we waited in there..
A woman came in and used the phone in there... and was crying.. I didn't listen to what she was saying, but I know she was sad.. and having me in there probably made it worse.. I just looked away and pretended I wasn't there..

I got called into the doctors office finally after an hour of awkward questions from the guards about my past..
I had to tell the doctor what I was prescribed, and all the illegal drugs I was taking..

I tried to convince the doctor that I still needed my hydromorphone prescription due to pain.. but he shot that down and prescribed me codeine and Valium to ween me off of the drugs slowly instead.
He also gave me my ativan prescription for anxiety, and clonidine to help with the withdrawals..

..It was weird they would prescribe me both Valium and ativan at the same time, but I wasn't going to complain.. I was excited to have drugs, and already planned on saving them up..

And back to the jail we went...

Sorry it's been so long..

I've been working so much lately that I just let my blog sort of die.. I miss writing.. and I miss seeing my blog inspire so many people and help them..

I'm sick tonight, and took the night off work, so I'm going to write another post.. Beginning from where the last one left off..

..

I stayed the night in the Springhill jail cells..
They let me smoke my cigarettes every once in a while when I was there.. (There's no smoking in jail anymore, so this probably doesn't happen any more)

They took my coat from me, so I didn't have access to my pills I had hidden in it..

I just nodded off and thought about where my life was at... I didn't really care..

I was happy to be in jail, at the very least my tolerance would go down.. I didn't really care about changing.. and didn't change at all..

The next morning after I woke up they asked me what I wanted for breakfast.. I remember I had ham and eggs from a motel here in town..

I ate that, which was one of the only things I had eaten that week.. and cried when I was done.. I was sober again.. and all of my thoughts were racing..
I only really thought of myself.. I didn't think of why I was there, and the people I hurt to get myself here.. I didn't feel sorry for what I did... I felt sorry for myself..

The two officers came into the holding cell area and told me we were leaving for court in 10 minutes..
They let me out of the cell and let me put my coat on.. As soon as I put it on I could feel where my stashed pills were.. and I was happy again, because I knew I could get high once I got to the court house..

It was 8:00am and court was at 9.. there was some fresh snow on the ground, and it was really sunny that morning.. and even a little warm..
I was handcuffed and put in the back of the cop car..
We pulled out and they started talking to me..

Asking me why I was doing what I was doing.. I didn't really have an answer for them.. I was just telling them what they wanted to hear so they'd give me some smokes.. The only thing on my mind was getting high at the court house..

We talked about how I first started, and why I would hurt my family just to get pills... People don't really understand drug addiction, and can't imagine doing something like that to someone else, let alone their own family..

The drugs take hold, they control your thoughts and your actions.. all you want is your drugs, and nothing else matters to you at that moment..
So everything else comes second.. that's why addicts convince themselves it's OK to take things.. The thoughts going through their minds are: "I'm going to get it back once I get the money for it" or "They won't notice it's missing, and I'll just buy them a new one once I get some money"

But as soon as you get some money, it goes towards drugs, not towards the things you took.

So we got to the court house after a long drive there, and they took me upstairs after one last smoke..

I went upstairs, they took my handcuffs off and put me back in the salmon colored cells.. Which make everything else even more depressing..

I instantly asked for some magazines and a lawyers aid form..

As soon as they brought them to me I pulled out some pills and crushed them, and put a few I had left back in my coat... I crushed them with the side of a pencil... and the powder had yellow paint from the side of it stuck in it.. I didn't even bother trying to pick it out because I knew I didn't have a whole lot of time..

I snorted it with a page I ripped out of a readers digest book... and then flushed the tube I made.

I laid down for a while.. filling out the green paper to get a legal aid lawyer.. I felt the drugs kicking in... everything was OK for the moment..

I had to wait for a few hours, They gave us lunch.. a bag of chips, a chocolate milk and a sandwich..
When I was done they called my name on the docket..
They let me out of my cell and the sheriffs brought me into the court room..

My cousin was there.. and I couldn't even look at him.. I wish I had of just said "I'm sorry!" or anything.. but I didn't.. I was embarrassed, and felt like an idiot..

I plead guilty, and got sentenced to 6 months in jail, plus the month an a half I had left from doing weekends was collapsed into the sentence... making it closer to 8 months..

They brought me back out into the holding cells in the court, and told me the guards would be over to take me to the Amherst County Jail soon..

I took the pills I had and hid them so I could use them in the jail.. and maybe taper myself off of them.
Because I wasn't going to ever get high in jail... Or was I?

you'll see why I was putting this off for so long.. but time to pull the band-aid off..

This week consisted of the same old shit... stealing to support my habit.. trying to get enough for the weekend...

Well, this included stealing from my family members...

I did this with the intent on getting whatever I pawned off back "as soon as I could"... so I convinced myself it was alright at the time.. Looking back on it now, I realize how insane this was.. but it was the addiction fueling me..

My parents kicked me out... I can't remember what I took, but they told me I had to leave...
I didn't care at this point, I was angry, but I just wanted to keep getting high.

I left, and went to a local store... stole enough to get a few pills.. then went to "my friends house" and shot up..

Feeling great, and on top of the world again... even though my life was completely falling apart..

I stayed the night there.. and the next morning, I decided I would go back to my house to get some of my stuff..

When I got there the doors were locked, and the keys were not in their hiding places..
So I had to break in.. and I did, quite easily through a window..

I took a bunch of stuff... not just my own, out of anger, pain, self-hate..
I just wanted to keep getting high and forget how shitty my life truly was...

I left with a bag full of expensive meat, and some electronics.. and went to trade them for pills..

I look back at all of this... and thank god that i'm not there anymore... thank god I have trust and i'm so lucky to be where I'm at today... anyone can... it just takes work, and their own plan.... my plan may not work for others, but it might for some... just don't give up, or give in...

...Anyway, after a few hours of injecting, and having"fun"; I went to another friends house..
He scored some xanax, and we ate a bunch of that.. I gave him half a 30mg pill.. we snorted it, because he didn't inject, and I didn't want many people knowing..

We hung out, talked about pointless stuff... then I wanted more..
We needed money though...

All in the same night... I made 40 dollars (the price of one pill)... Went back and did it...
Another friend came over, and we all wanted more... more more more.... you can't fucking get enough.. even when it stops getting you high... you'll do almost anything to get it once you're deep in... it turns GREAT people into monsters.. So please don't judge someone because of their addiction.. in a way we almost all have our own... Prescription pills, wine, beer, coffee, chocolate... they give us pleasure.. and we crave it, and want it..... some substances though, make that craving a thousand times stronger... and if you're coffee at times cost 40 dollars... you'd find somewhere else to get it.. or quit.. but you don't go through the withdrawal like you do with drugs..

..So I did that... then I got the bright idea to go to my cousins house (this is the first time you're going to hear everything, and I'm sorry... we've made amends, and I've given you money, but this still brings up shame and guilt I can't even explain.. )

I knew he had change laying on the tables, and in his coats.. a bit of a change hoarder ; )
so I went there, and used a key -I knew where it was- to get in...
My heart was beating... what would I say if he came home? what would I do?
I rushed through the house, grabbing as much change as I could..

Then I saw that he got a new computer... and his old one was laying on the floor..
I don't know why I did this... I was very intoxicated from mixing downers.. I didn't really think of how it would look carrying a computer tower in the middle of the night through snow... but that didn't stop me..

Then I went upstairs and took some video games he had sitting out..

I put them in a bag, and left as fast as I could.. wiping my prints off of the door handle..

Like a bugler would do... Which, was what I was at that time..

I ran to a place I knew, through the snow in his back yard (yeah that wouldn't leave any marks)
And went and sold his computer to a guy for 40 dollars, and another 10 for the games (I think)

I had enough from the change to get another pill.. and I did..

I went back and shot up..

This was around a Tuesday I think...

Anyway, the next day I woke up and hitchhiked up to Amherst to see what I could steal..

I went receipt shopping... which is where you find a receipt for something worth at-least 80 dollars  then go find that item and try to return it for cash... this worked for me many times... but not today apparently..
I found some expensive air filters... worth about 120 dollars.. their were two on the receipt, but I thought i'd just take back one box and tell them I thought I would need two, but turns out I only needed one..

Good plan I thought..

I grabbed a happy face sticker at the front when the greeter wasn't looking, and slapped it onto the box..

I stood in line like I was going to pay for it, then walked right past the cashier and told her I was returning this..
She started to do it up, and asked the date I bought it, and all of that... everything I had memorized..
She said "Ok, this will just take a second"

.. She started to punch it in, and scan it.. and I was sure I got away with it... she got a phone call and said "I'm sorry I can't return this for you" After she got off the phone... I said, OK, I've got to grab some things... mind if I leave this here?" she said it was fine, and I bolted out of there..

I got halfway through the parking lot... when a huge man, in plain clothes started to chase after me..
I didn't run, I acted like I didn't do anything..

He grabbed a hold of me without identifying himself... so I yelled " HELP" Some guy ran over and tried to stop him... he said "I'm detaining him for attempted fraud"
I lied and yelled "I owe this guy money, and he's going to beat me up"... the guy stood back and didn't know what to do..

He went to his car and sat down on his phone.. I assume he was calling the police..
I told the guy grabbing me that he better let me go... and he said why?
I said "because you don't know what might happen if you don't"..
He said "Are you threatening me?"
I said "No, take it however you want to.. but is this job worth risking anything for?"
And for some reason with that, he let me go... I ran like a bat out of hell, and got away...

Sad thing is, I went to another store, and did the exact same thing...

I hitchhiked home.. and went to "my friends" house, he went to score, and we sat around waiting... I got high... then called my mom... she said "Neil... you need to come home"... with fear in her voice.. it was almost breaking.. on the verge of crying....
"I'm coming now, I love you mom.... I'm sorry about everything, but I still love you"
"I'll always love you my child" was what she said... and she meant it... she's been there for me through everything..

As I walked home, I knew the cops were looking for me... So I hide some pills in my jacket, and swallowed one becase I knew I was going to be going to jail tonight...

When I turned the corner I saw a police car in our drive way... I walked in.... he was sitting there at the table... so were my parents... "have a seat Neil" he said...
And I did...

It was a half hour discussion... my parents crying... I admitted what I did, and told my parents how sorry I was... I knew I was going to jail for a while..

He was very nice, and sympathetic to what was happening to me and my family... he didn't even handcuff me.. just let me walk to the car and drive to the stations...

-End.

Hey guys!

Hey loyal readers... I feel horrible after all the emails and messages I've been getting...
I'm verrrrrry sorry for the lack of posts, but I needed to take a break for a couple of reasons..

Writing in detail was starting to give me cravings... Nothing serious, just annoying to deal with them. But I'm very good and overcoming them.. After 3 years it's so much easier...  It gets easier every day actually..

The second reason... I took a seizure at work, and I've also been working 12 hour shifts, sometimes days, sometimes back shifts... and I get home from a shift, head right to bed after eating and getting a shower... and don't have any time to write..

I've also been swamped with emails, which is my main priority, helping others... That's the reason I started this blog, and I'll always put the emails first..

Some days I get 1 emails.... others I'll get 10+, and I don't just write a few lines and press send.. I give the best advice I can possibly give that person at the time.. and my main goal, is to help at least one person through this blog... To open some eyes to people who never used...

I was people to understand that addicts are still people... people that have families... people that have loved ones who are at the end of their rope with fear and stress due to their disease

and it is a disease... A lot of people consider it self inflicted... but No one gets into drugs thinking they're going to get addicted..

I want to show them the life, and the mindset of an addict.. and someone who came through it all..

I want people to look at addicts like humans... I know some addicts who have NEVER stolen to support their habit, yet they're still sometimes looked down upon, or people assume they would steal from them if you let them in your house..

Don't give up on them, and please don't judge them... you don't know their story... you don't know what they go through everyday... If you lived a week in the life of them, I'm sure you would never judge them again..



I'd like to see better programs, and long term treatment centers built instead of expanding our prisons...
most of the people in prison have substance abuse problems... if you treated the CAUSE of their criminal behavior, you'd see a lot less people in prison..

They should have drug rehab prisons... where you have to go to for a year at least depending on your crime..
It would sold so many problems, and help a lot more people VS. sending them to prison.


June 15th was my 3 year mark for not being high... Not even a joint : )

I'm going to be posting, I'm off till Monday, so I'll start posting again.

Thanks for your concern guys : )

Keep reading, check in tomorrow afternoon.... I'll have a good post up!

Take care guys!

-Neil

This is to M.M

My thoughts are with you and your family... Get well soon buddy! I miss seeing you. Stay strong, and I know you'll beat this!

I just want you to know I'm thinking about you, and very worried.
I pray everything works out, and I'm sure it will! : )

But hurry up and get better!

your friend
-Neil!

All week, heavy abuse..

This week was one of my worst for sure..

I got released, and still had a bunch of drugs.. I got some money this week, and just binged..

Same thing all day, get high, pass out, wake up, get high... A sad existence..

So I was home and it was almost Friday again.. I had my medication ready to go for the weekend, and I went to the hospital again. I got another prescription to xanax, and was excited about that..

I woke up Friday morning with a bang... Literally.. and also swallowed some xanax..

I got a shower, and made my way over town.. hung out with a few guys and used.. and also got some more ketamine in the mail..

I ordered a 1000mg vial (1 gram) and as soon as I saw it in the mail I took it home..
I poured it out on a cookie sheet, and turned it on the lowest heat...
It ended up evaporating, and turned into a few white clumps.. I took it out, and crushed it up fine... and put it in 10 wax paper flaps..

I took a small piece of cotton, and a needle full of water and put it into the empty vial... I shook it up, and sucked up the liquid.. There was still a very small amount of ketamine in it.

I took the mix and used it to cook up a dilaudid.. I got it all ready, then precoded to snort 2 flaps of ketamine... I waited until it kicked in, and I injected the dilaudid... I cleaned everything up after the rush... and went to my room..

I was in there tripping out, feeling a feeling I can't describe..
But I'll try..

I felt like I wasn't in my own body... like I was floating around the room.. seeing things, while I opened my eyes, and closed them..

I saw very spiritual things, and felt this power inside of me..
I was tripping out pretty hard, but I wasn't scared... I felt like I was spiraling through space at one point... my body and my mind were one, spinning, doing backflips, front flips and barrel rolls..

This ended after about an hour, maybe a little more..

When I came down, it was just the opiate high...

I was done for the rest of the day I told myself.. No more drugs..

I took a nap, and woke up around 6 and got a shower.. I had to go to the jail..

My mother dropped me off, and I felt fine... so I got out at tims, and got a coffee... when she left, I went to the pharmacy and filled my cards..

I went back over to the café , and went into the bathroom... and I took xanax, and crushed it, I knew how much one crushed pill would fit into a pen cap, so I knew I'd be fine with it.. I crushed 40 or more pills, and swallowed 10 for the buzz..
I wrapped them in serum wrap and as I was walking to the jail I put them deep under my tongue..

I walked in, and they passed me my kit bag...
I'm not sure if this was the time, or if it was one of the times before... but one of the guys that was coming in was drunk, and pulled out a bag full of pills for them, and they had them sitting on the counter... I knew what a few of them were, but I didn't say much..

They stripped me down fast, and wanted to get rid of me...
I got dressed and turned to go when I heard him say "Can you show me under your tongue?"
I swallowed them with the spit built up in my mouth..

I turned around, and let him see... "OK.. go up stairs" he said..

I was in panic mode, I had to get these out of my stomach, because they weren't wrapped tightly enough for that...

I got up there, and tried to make myself through up... It took for ever.. and I couldn't get much up... a little coffee I drank and the serum wrap itself... but they were empty... I kept trying to throw up, but I couldn't...

I thought to myself "I'll be OK, it's hard to OD on benzo's on their own" ... Problem was I had a lot of stuff built up from earlier in the day... I left it all at home... and was about to get my medication for the night, which was really a 30 mg dilaudid..

I laid down on my bed, and wasn't there for more than 10 minutes.... they were kicking in, and I was feeling crazy... that's all I can say, because I only remember a few things after this...

I was setting up a game of risk that we were playing the weekend before... I sat there and made sure EVERY piece was in it's right place, and there was at least 200 tiny little pieces... sitting on the edge of an empty bed... someone walked past, and bumped into it, and all the pieces fell....

And for some reason.... I snapped..

I threw the board. and pieces... the guards had been keeping an eye on me (one of them told me they notices I was acting very strange) ... they came right up, and asked me to come with them... I yelled and screamed and told them I wasn't going, and they could go **** themselves...

Needless to say they grabbed me and pulled me into the solitary confinement cell..

I was yelling and screaming at them like an idiot...
They said they were going to take my mattress, and I threw it through the bars and yelled something crazy like "here, have it, I don't need the god damn thing" only with other worse langauge mixed in..

they handcuffed me, and I don't remember much of the struggle... I think I had shakkles and handcuffs on woven together so I couldn't move...

They came up to me, and I thought it was the next morning... but it was lattttte in the after noon... I passed out, and had square marks all over me from the bed frame I slept on...

I asked them If I could have my medication... and of course they said no..

they asked what I took, and I told them a few Valium and a few beer... or something stupid like that..

They took me outside, with shackles and handcuffs on... I apologized... a lot of times, and said how sorry I was for acting like that... I was a MESS....

I came back in.... ate something, and slept till Sunday... I was sick by this point because of my opiate withdrawal..

I asked them for my medication, and they said "Well, we can't give you the xanax right now, but we can give you the effexxor.... "Yeah, that's fine" ...

I crushed it up, and slept till I was able to be released the next morning..

I got a shower before I left...this was early Monday morning... The last shower I had was friday at 6ish?


I left... embarrassed... they gave me my wallet, my medication card... and suggested I get some help.... I told them I just mixed drinking with my pills and I wasn't supposed to" which they knew was bogus..

I left... ashamed of myself...

And back to jail for the weekend...

Going to jail on the weekend wasn't too bad thus far, Every weekend I stayed high, quiet.. and got through it the best I could...

But it was Friday, I had no money, and only 3 pills... I couldn't possibly get through the weekend without at least 30mgs or so a day, so I needed to come up with a plan..

I went to the hospital, and got a re-fill on xanax... I also complained of some pain, and got some Tylenol 3...
I was excited at first when my doctor pulled out a triplicate pad.. but was devastated when he told me I was getting codeine.. To be, it was as useless as the Tylenol they put in it... It wouldn't even hold off my withdrawal symptoms at the very least..  I had no plans to get any money today... but I always seemed to score pills one way or another..

It was around lunch time... I already took a shot in the morning, and had 3 pills remaining, which I was trying to save until I could take them to the pharmacy..

I filled my prescriptions, and got rid of most of the Tylenol 3's for 2 dollars a piece... I was able to buy 2 more 24mg pills, and still had 20 or so left, so I could legally bring them into the jail with me.
I figured I had enough, so I took a few xanax, and chilled out, waiting for 8pm to roll around..

It was around 6, and I was craving bad... So I took one of the pills, and cooked it up.
I injected it.. I felt wonderful, and the xanax was creeping up, making me careless, and wanting to get as many pills as I could...

I came up with a very stupid idea, and called someone to give me a drive to Amherst..

When we got there, I went to the pharmacy and filled my prescription.. I split the 24mg pills up into 12mgs or so in each capsule, and assumed that would be enough because I had a rig inside the jail now..
When I got to the pharmacy, I realized I had forgotten my Tylenol 3's... which would have added to the total of drugs in my system, which would be more than enough to hold off cravings and withdrawal mixed with the dilaudid and xanax.. I was sort of upset, but I didn't care, as long as I had my dilaudids..

When we left the pharmacy, I told the guy driving to take me to a house I knew...
It was a long drive, maybe 25 minutes or so, and once we got there I told him to wait..

I had a lot of xanax in my system, and whenever I took the stuff I always ended up doing something really stupid... worse than usual, just downright crazy and DUMB.
I walked up to the house and knocked... The couple at home knew me, I did a small amount of yard work for them. I asked them if I could use their bathroom, because I had to go bad, and they were the only people I knew in the area... the were more than happy to let me, and were as nice as could be..

When I went upstairs, I was on a mission... straight to the bathroom, and into the medicine cabinet..
I knew there were dilaudids and oxycodone pills in there. There was a month ago, and the dates on the bottles were all very old, so I knew they didn't need them that much... and wouldn't notice they were gone..

I emptied the first bottle of dilaudid into a baggy.. they were 8 mg pills, and I got about 40 of them..
Then I took the 10mg oxycodone pills, that were mixed with Tylenol..
I turned on the tap, so the pill bottles wouldn't make much of a sound..

After that I kept looking, searching every name on every bottle in there... There was a new bottle, the label said Meperidine Hydrochloride 100mg, take one pill every 6-8 hours as needed.. There was at least 90 pills in the bottle, but I think there was 120.. I took 30 or so of them, and set them back in there was if they weren't touched..

For those of you who don't know, Meperidine, is the generic name for Demerol.. A powerful synthetic opiod.

I felt like I had just won a jackpot, and left the house with a smile on my face... "Thank you very much" I said, "Have a great night" and out the door I went..

I ran to the car with a smile on my face, and he knew I has scored something...
Before I went in, I took 40 dollars from him, and told him I was buying him some pills..

I jumped in the car, and we took off... I pulled out the Demerol and the oxycodone, and told him "Jeff didn't have any dilaudid"... He was disappointed at first, because he though they were all percocets... he was happy once he had them into him and started to feel good..

I got dropped off at Timhortons, and asked him to pick me up the following Monday morning.. he said he would, and I headed inside... I had 30 minutes until I had to surrender myself to the jail for the weekend, so I bought a coffee, and went into the bathroom..

out came my kit, and I cooked up a big shot.. a few Demerol, and 4 or 5 dilaudid 8's..
Demerol are big pills, but they break down pretty easy... I cooked them up first, and sucked them up into the needle... Then I cleaned the spoon, and crushed the dilaudids.. which I then added the needle full of Demerol solution to, and heated it, then filtered it...

It was a potent shot, and actually very dangerous while I was on another downer (xanax) and still had dilaudid in my system..

I sat on the toilet, and tied off with the string from my sweater, still in the hood.. just pulled out as far as it would go..

I found a vein, hit it, then let go of the tie... 2CC's of liquid entering my veins.. and I felt the rush... It felt amazing.. and I was feeling better than ever, until about 10 seconds after it was in me... I got violently ill and started throwing up.. I couldn't stop... I had less than 10 minutes to get to the jail, but couldn't stop throwing up..

I was feeling very sick, and was putting my kit (needle/lighter/filters..etc) away, and hiding it in the bathroom.. I was also hiding drugs to take into the jail.. I took a bunch of wrapped them in plastic wrap, and then melted them with a lighter.. all while I was still violently sick...

It stopped at about 5 minutes till I had to be there... It was right across from the jail... so I chugged my coffee, and lit a smoke... I made my way over, while I was swallowing the pills I had wrapped up..

I rang the buzzer, and they let me in... I handed them my medication cards, and went to get undressed, they checked me, and I got dressed in the jail gear..
They opened the doors and led me upstairs... I went up, and instantly went into the bathroom and threw up in the sink..

I ran the water, and took out the pills..
I stayed in there for a while, splashing water in my face.. then brushed my teeth... I hid the pills, and went into the dorm area.. one of the guys asked me if I was OK, and I told him I was just getting over the flu..

I tried to watch tv, and could barely keep my eyes open... I had to try until medication time, and then lights out or the guards would notice..

One of the guards came to the door with the medication cards... I swallowed the xanax, but kept the dilaudid capsule.. I didn't even want it at this point... I just wanted to go to bed so I wouldn't feel so sick..

I ended up falling asleep with my glasses on, and a book on my chest.. I woke up the exact same way..

But I felt fine, I wasn't craving... but I wanted to get high anyway..
I went into the bathroom, and to my hiding spot... the needle was gone...

I was furious... Was it one of the other guys inside? did the guards find it? I was so upset... this was my favorite way of doing them, and it would take me a lot less to get high.... Now I had to snort it just to feel anything..

I crushed up the capsule, and added a few 8mg dilaudids to it, and snorted it... I sat down on the shower ledge and let it absorb a little...
I took 1 of the Demerol, and crushed it up... It was a large pill, and I should have made it into a few lines... I heard it had a bad burn, so I wanted to just snort it in one line....

I did... but I wasn't prepared for what was about to happen..
I felt the worst pain I have ever felt in my life... I felt like I had just snorted pepper spray... my eyes instantly went red, and teared up.. I was sucking water up my nose in an attempt to rinse it clean... I was gagging, and woke a couple guys up..

It finally stopped... and it took me every ounce of strength I had in me not to throw up, I didn't want to waste the rest of my drugs..


I went out, and opened a bottle of pop and drank almost half of it... I laid there, and read some of my book... And started to feel the slight rush, the euphoria.. everything was ok again... but how long would this all last? I couldn't keep getting away with everything I was doing..

I committed a crime, and was sentenced to weekends... I was still breaking the law and using drugs every day.. I deserved to be locked up...

But how much longer would this run last?

Sorry for the break..

I've been working, and haven't found a lot of time to write, I'm going to get back into it this week.
I've also had some really bad cravings, due to drug dreams and coming down off of my medication.

I just need to focus on whats important right now, I'm still responding to all of the emails I get, but I won't be writing another blog until Wednesday morning... I'll write a few then!

Thanks for your support guys, and I'm sorry because I know you guys wanna keep reading them and hearing more of my story!

Neil

Email: neilcalder1@gmail.com

Sneaking around..

It was the same thing as the previous weekend..

I came in, high..
Laid down, and mellowed out for a while.. I always read some random book, or magazine.. Or tried to at least..
I would shower twice a day, eat a lot of junk food, and just sorta hangout..

I'd play cards when I could, but most of the time I was too tired from the drugs to actually wanna do anything..

It was the next morning.. We got our medication.. and I actually saved mine for a while.. I didn't want to snort it, I wanted to inject it..

We got our brunch.. I ate a little bit of mine, and saved what I could... It was hard to eat until I did a pill..
Then I would get extremely hungry..

I was waiting for our recreation time.. It's the only thing that mattered at this point.. and waiting was torture..
I wanted to get out there, for our 30 minutes, and grab my rig and be on my way...

I was watching tv... The same shows every weekend.. "Horse power TV" And other stupid "Hot rod and 4X4 shows I hated... I just wanted to get outside..

They finally let us, and I couldn't wait..

We walked past maximum, and I knew a couple of the guys in there.. They were asking me for tobacco, and I gave one guy I knew a few smokes and some matches I brought in..
It was a risky move, because I had my "Medication" Hidden upstairs inside a book..

I just tossed it to him and kept walking like I didn't see him.. They asked us if we wanted coats, so I grabbed one..

We went out, and I instantly scanned the ground for it..

There was a light snowfall, so I coudln't see it.. but I knew exactly where it was..

I grabbed a basketball, which was the closest thing in the yard to the rig..
I could accidentally roll the ball towards the spot, and pick it up without them knowing..

I took a shot, and purposely aimed the ball so it would bounce and roll towards the spot..

I ran to get it, ran post the spot where the needle was, and picked it up..
I turned around, and one of the guards was watching me..
I just ran back towards the net and he turned back around..

The guards here were smart.. They were trained to watch for any suspicious behavior, and they got a lot of packages that were meant to come in there.. They scanned the yard before they took us out, and they would make sure we weren't bringing anything in..

With that said, I still got away with a few, and I'll talk about that later..

Anyway, I took the same shot.. It bounced almost beside where the rig was..
I bent down, picked it up and shoved it into my sleeve as I picked the ball up... my heart was racing.. I turned around and the guard was looking at me..

I wasn't sure if he noticed, so I ran back and took a shot..

I hit actually got the ball in and he said something along the lines of  "First time for everything"
Which were my thoughts exactly..

I took a few more shots.. then started walking the small track around the yard..
As I did this, I shoved it into my underwear..

And waited... by this time, it was already 20 minutes or so that we'd been out there..
I wanted to go in bad.. I could hardly wait..

One guy told the guard he had to use the bathroom, he asked a few of the guys if they wanted to stay out longer, and they all agreed..

When they were taking the other guy in, I told them I'd like to come in now too instead of waiting out there..
I told them I was cold..

I took my jacket off, and they brought us upstairs..

I sat laid down in my bed, and the other guy went to the bathroom..
I grabbed the book I had hidden my pill in, and got it.. I grabbed a change of clothes, and a towel... some soap and shampoo, and got ready for a "Shower"

I also grabbed a few pieces of paper, and a bottle of pop.. For the cap..

I waited until he got out of the bathroom, and started the shower... I also started crushing the pill with my foot, and the cap/paper contraption that ended up working the best..

There was still a few beads I hadn't crushed.. but I didn't care at this point..
I took water from the shower.. as hot as it would go and put it into my brown cup..
I drew up the water quick, and squirted it into the cap over the powder..
I crushed it up with the orange cap of the needle, and mixed it around for a long time.. I wanted to get every mg of Dilaudid into my veins.. it took a while until it looked good..
I took a piece of cotton I brought in -Which is hard to get in this jail for some reason- They don't even have q-tips which is strange.

I sucked up the mixture, and added another drop of water with my finger-Usually a very bad idea as your fingers aren't sterile- but either was anything else at this point..
I sucked it up again, and had a full needle of dilaudid..
I forgot one thing though... something to tie my arm off with..
The only thing I could use was a pair of pants... I had to tie it a certain way, and pull the other leg through the knot.. but it worked..

I found the vein, and injected..

I took the tie off, and sat on the toilet..
I felt amazing..
I felt like I was in heaven... I was here, in a jail bathroom, injecting drugs from a dirty pop cap.. yet I felt like I was at the peak of my life.. Which is twisted, and hard to believe at this point in time..
I can't believe that's what I lived for... But I did..

I felt great..

I jumped in the shower, and washed myself very fast... I got out, and dried off..

I put the cap in my towel, after saving the cotton in a piece of paper (It was the only one I had)
and eating the beads.

This is what I did for the rest of the weekend... Same shower routine... same thing every time..

Until Monday morning..
I saved all my xanax under my tongue, and took it an hour before we were getting out that morning.. I also saved my pill so I wouldn't have to worry once I got home. I figured the xanax would hold of my cravings and sickness for a little while.

I hid the rig, and they let us out..

I was happy I wouldn't have to sneak one in anymore..
I really wished I had a spoon, but I couldn't get one..

They released us, and I jumped into the car..
Another guy I knew picked me up...

I told him to take me home, and drive fast... I told him I was sick, and needed to get a pill somehow (even though I had one)
"I've got some 18's man, don't worry"... "got a rig too?" I said... and he did..

He gave me 2 18's for free, he only had 6.. so that was a big deal..
He told me I owed him 30 dollars whenever I could get it... I was fine with that..

I fixed up in the car, instead of going to timhortons..
I used an old pop can he had in the back seat.. Which was extremely Un-sterile..

And a bottle of water..

I took the string out of my sweater, and used it as a tie...

We were just out of town, but the pied piper motel when I actually hit...
I pulled off the tie, and once again... I was in heaven...

In a dirty car, injected shit off of a pop can, and I felt like I was in heaven..
funny how your views and morals can change so fast..

-Neil

Down for the count..

So I had a seizure at work the other day..

Pretty weird experience.. I've had one before that was drug induced, but I don't remember it..

This one, I remember a lot from.. well, coming out of it at least..
I was at work, had a few hours left and I was on my break..
Then I got dizzy and remember people telling me not to get up..

It's hard to explain, it felt like I was at a campfire when I came out of it.. There was people around and I thought I saw a fire..
Kind of weird.. but an ambulance came and took me to Amherst..

They're not sure what caused it.. They did a full drug screen on me to see if that's what it was.. When it cam back clean they sort of look surprised, which kind of upset me.. but I'm sure with my charts and info in front of them it came as a surprise.. He came into the hallway where my girlfriend and her mom were.. and acted surprised when he read it, and told me he was impressed with me or something? The last time he saw me I was probably in for an overdoes so this was more than likely a warm welcome to him..

It could have been from dehydration and a lack of sleep, but to make sure I had to get a ct scan done today.. My necks a little sore still, but aside from that I feel pretty normal.

I'm glad there was some people around at the time.. but I'm not looking forward to the ambulance bill coming..


Anyway, I was gonna get to this after a few posts, but it has some relevance, so I'll bring it up now..

I was at a friends house, and I had to be check into the Amherst jail that night..

We were both broke at the beginning of the day, so we had to make a score in order to stay high and not get sick..

It was snowing, and almost storming out, so we came up with an idea..

I would go to a store with a big coat on.. under that coat I would have a travel bag, in which I could shove expensive stuff into.

It didn't take long to put that plan into action.. and it worked perfectly.. I went in, grabbed a cart.. and started filling it with big things, boxes of cereal, a bag of potatoes.. and made sort of a wall in my cart..
Then I went to the meat section.. I took my time finding the more expensive stuff, and put it in the middle of my cart... There was a lot of people around.. so I couldn't start stealing in right then and there...

I zipped my zipper down a little, enough to reach the bag.. and started shoving small 10-15 dollar steaks into it.. I filled it up and couldn't close it.. and wheeled the cart close to the edge of the store..
I left it there, and walked out the door..

I walked behind the store, and met up with the guy I came there with... He took the bag, and I took the backstreets up to his house..

He went to trade it for drugs..

I remember waiting at his house, after drying off, and warming up.. it felt like forever for him to come back.. He finally did, and when he came through the door I couldn't wait..

He got 4 pills.. which was enough for us to get high twice each..
I remember the big grey pills.. and how cold I still was.. It was probably less than 10 minutes, but it felt like an hour for him to come back..

When he did, his coat was on the floor and he reached for the kit in the cupboard..
That's how powerful this addiction is... if you've got it.. you're doing it..
As soon as you get it.. you instantly need it 10 times more than you did before..
It's like a shark once they sense blood... You become ravenous and instantly will do anything to get it into you..

We both had a plate and a spoon, and we were each crushing our own pill..
It takes a while, but mine was done pretty quick..
We cooked them up and put our cotton in, and drew up the mixture with our syringes..

I let him inject it into me.. He could do it faster.. I would always shake and it took me a while..
I remember him putting it into me.. That string you get when the needle first pierces a hole, which instantly goes away once the plunger is depressed..

I felt amazing.. I was spinning off into my own little world, when suddenly I started shaking and shivering..
I felt like I was going to throw up and couldn't stop shaking.. "What's wrong with me?" I said..
It was like having the flu and being really cold, and I didn't know what it was, so I got scared..

He told me it was "just cotton fever"
What the **** is that? I said.. I was shivering so bad I couldn't stop.. it was such a weird feeling..
He was trying to explain to me that it would go away after a little while, and it was just a piece of cotton from the filter had gotten into a needle, and went into my veins...

{{Cotton fever is a syndrome that is often associated with intravenous drug use, specifically the use of cotton to filter drugs like heroin.^[1] The cause of the condition has been established to be the endotoxin shed by the bacteria Enterobacter agglomerans which colonizes cotton plants.^[2] A condition very similar to cotton fever was described in the early 1940s among cotton-farm workers. The term cotton fever was coined in 1975 after the syndrome was recognized in intravenous drug users. However, some sources have attributed the symptoms of cotton fever with simple sepsis occasioned by unsafe and unsanitary drug injection practices. This is borne out by the fact cotton fever occurs in equal spread with all injectable drug users, with various filter materials utilized.}}

..So it was a strange feeling.. I passed out pretty quickly.. I'm not sure if this was from the drug, which causes you to nod off or sometimes pass out.. Or the fever itself..

I woke up 4 hours later, and I felt fine... They had told me I was shaking and snoring really loud, and they checked on me to make sure I was breathing.. but said it was obvious by how loud I was snoring..

I woke up mad, I felt like my high has been wasted..

I did my other pill, and it felt amazing, better than ever... Maybe because it eased the symptoms of the cotton fever? or maybe because I wanted it so bad..

I nodded off for a little bit, and felt better, but then realized I needed to come up with a plan quick to score or I would be super sick this weekend..

So off to the store I went...

I repeated what I had done 6 hours earlier.. and scored 200 dollars worth of meat..
This only got me 4 pills.. and I needed 6...

So I tried to borrow money... I ended up getting enough for 1 more.. but I only had 5..

This left me with no other choice, but to divide it up evenly into 6 capsules.. Which left me about 20mg's in each one, or 40mgs each day.. which was more than enough to get me through the weekend..

The only thing I really wanted was a needle.. I didn't want to waste it by snorting it... I could get two good shots out of each capsule if I wanted to.. but snorting it I needed the whole thing to even feel anything..

I went to the pharmacy, and got them to make up my 2 cards.. The other had xanax in it..
and I was waiting in the tims across the street from the jail, with a needle in my coat.. I thought about how I could get in in there.. I tried to come up with an idea, but I couldn't think of one... I thought if I threw it over the fence before I went in, I could come back to get it..

I was sitting, and waiting... I bought a bottle of water..
And I couldn't help myself..

I popped one of the pills out of the card, and crushed it up in the bathroom.. I added it the bottom of a can of pop.. which I tore up..
I cooked it up, and drew the mix into the needle..
I also took 5-10 xanax with some water from the tap..


I sat in there for a while.. I knew I had to be in there in 20 minutes.. so I waited another 5 minutes or so.. I injected it.. and sat there... needle in my hand, nodding off.. I was in heaven..

..Someone knocked on the door... It woke me out of my stupor, and I left to walk across the street.. I lit a smoke, and slowly walked across the street.. It was really dark, and I only had a second.. so I threw the needle across after I wrapped it up in leaves and an elastic.. not very smart, but I assumed it would work..

I rang the bell, and the officer let me in..

I walked past my needle, and I knew it looked out of place, but there was nothing I could do now..

So he took me through the door..

"One is too many, and a thousand is never enough.. "

Too many...                                                                                                                                                                                              ... NEVER enough..


This phrase rings true to a lot of addicts...
One pill is too many...
But a thousand is never enough..
I had 3 more days until I had to report to jail... I was going to Amherst this day..But before I left, I had to buy 90 more xanax becuase I was already out, and my script wasn't due for another week and a half..  I went into the pharmacy the jail dealt with..  and got them to make up my medication cards with the "Refilled" pills...
They had them there, and I asked them if they'd send them over to the jail when they sent their own medication for the jail over..

She agreed... That way I knew I had enough for when I was there.. and I assumed I would have enough to get me through the week...

But I thought wrong... I injected and snorted them all with "Friends".. and friday came around... I had one left in the morning.. and did it as soon as I woke up...

I knew I wasn't going to get anymore until 9-10 the night...

So I made a little tobacco package, with matches in it..
I would also bring some chewing tobacco sometimes.. that way I could sit in my bed and not have to smoke, but still cure my nicotine craving..

Waiting at home for that night, was hell by the end of it..
I also took some morphine beads I ended up scoring, and put them in a package...

I don't care to explain how I got it in.. but I did..

On the drive up, I was sickkkk feeling.. my recent habit had gotten my tolerance sky high..
I almost thought about sneaking a needle in, but I didn't bother...

On our drive up there, I had to tell my mom to pull over at tim hortons... I had diarrhea so bad, and I was throwing up... the withdrawal was setting in...

I had some Xanax and I took 10 of them before I went in as well as a gravol and some roll-aids.. and stashed the rest in timhortons in a really good hiding spot so kids couldn't find it..

I came back out to the car and mom kissed me goodbye, and told me to try to have a good weekend...
She was scared for me..

They brought me in... after finishing my last smoke.. I had to strop down... they asked me if I was feeling ok, and I told them I felt sick..

They did it all, checked under my feet... bend over and cough.. embarrassing stuff..

They let me get dressed in the jail uniform and take my stuff upstairs... I was feeling really sick again...
I needed a fix soon, and I didn't know how long it would be..

I got up there, and picked out my bed... I un-packed all my stuff, and laid there for a bit... It was over an hour before I would get my medication cards...
And I couldn't wait that long... I needed to do the morphine beads..

I went into the bathroom, and got them from the hiding spot.. washed it off, and took out around 200mg's of beads... which is a hefty dose of morphine when you already have 5mg's of xanax in you to start..

It crushes easy, so I crushed it up, and snorted it... I laid back in my bed as soon as it was done... and pulled the covers up over me... to hide my Tylenol container that still had tobacco products papers, matches and some more morphine beads..

I hide it in my mattress...

I waited... I thought I was going to throw up... which would have wasted most of the drugs I just did..

I gagged under my blankets... trying to hold it in...

I did... and I finally felt the relief from my withdrawal symptoms..
I felt great again, I felt "Normal" Like you guys feel right now... I was so far into it I needed it to function... I couldn't even work without it..

I made my bed again, and started to feel wobbly... and weird... The combination was taking effect..
I knew I had to act normal in front of the guards, or they wouldn't give me my medication ...

So I sat and talked to a few of the guys... and I think we played cards or dice.. a few games people play in prison.. some for canteen, sometimes just for fun..

The coffee came, and we got it, then the medication came right after..

I went second last... I didn't want to seem too eager,and be first in line... I had a cup of water I took my pills, and slid the capsule under my tongue.. I drank the water and washed down the other pills with the entire cup full so he wouldn't ask me to see under my tongue.. Then I said thank you, so he could sort of see into my mouth...
I went back to my bed.. and went under the covers... I let it drop into some toilet paper I already had laid out..

I waited about 30 minutes, because they always watch the guys pretty closely on the camera after medication time... I went to the bathroom... but instead of taking it, I emptied it into a Tylenol container I brought in.. after wrapping it up in a corner of a plastic bag... I had enough for tonight... I just wanted to make sure the rest of the weekend was ok..

I passed out pretty quick that night... and woke up feeling sick... Before the medication was being passed out... I thought about taking some more morphine.. but I knew my dilaudids were coming soon..

an hour later, he came to the door.. and gave me my xanax and pre-filled Effexor capsule..
I drank my cup of water, and spit it out in toilet paper already waiting in my bed...

I knew I had to wait till after breakfast because it was coming soon... or Brunch as they called it... but I couldn't..

I took an entire capsule which was at least 24-30 mgs of dilaudid time release beads.. and the rest of my morphine beads... close to 200mgs or maybe a little more or less..

I snorted it, and turned on the shower.. I got in after rolling a smoke, and  lit it... the shower was steaming and I used body wash and everything else I could to cover up the smell of the smoke... It worked, because the other guys in the unit didn't even smell it... I was in my own little world right then... I was high... and I didn't care about anyone but myself..

I chucked a chew of tobacco in my mouth and took an empty can of pop I had and sat in bed... high, nodding off...
I was getting a head rush from it, for going so long with such little tobacco..
I was spitting in the can, and almost spilled it on me..

Brunch came... I saved a few things from it, ate one egg, one piece of toast.. and then gave the rest away..

Now this weekend went pretty smooth I suppose, same thing over and over... I gave one guy a smoke, and one guy a snort of D..

But my next blog will be about the week leading up to the weekend.. and what happend that weekend... it was BAD and embarrassing..


It'll be posted tomorrow... I have a few posts I'm working on, and at least another one of them will be posted.... They're not about my life... They're my thoughts on drugs in our area, and how easy they are to get... Just a rant I guess... Thanks for reading!

-Neil