Merry Christmas...

It's the time of year for families to come together, to share stories over the fire..
To get together and celebrate.. And for People like me to bring disappointment during what's supposed to be the best time of the year..

The days leading up to Christmas were strained.. I was doing what I did best, which was Sneaking up to the bathroom to get high.. It's the only thing that mattered to me..

Sure I love my family... but my addiction was my relationship.. I loved opiates, and I would do anything for them.. I was blinded by my addiction.. I didn't see the true pain it was causing everybody..

It was Christmas eve, and I told myself I would enjoy it..
My parents would have a lot of guests over during the holidays, so they would buy a few cases of beer, as well as some rum and wine..

There was a large bottle of rum in the freezer.. So while everyone else was busy.. I helped myself to some of it..
I was pouring really big glasses and then I would add water to the bottle..

I was sitting at the computer.. I was talking to some friends of mine.. I hadn't gotten high yet today, but I still had some pills left.. I waited until I got a decent buzz on and then I took 4-5 Ativan the doctor prescribed me.. I was getting pretty tipsy, and careless... and I was craving opiates..

It's like a wolf going after meat after starving for a week... you're ravenous, you don't care... All you can think about is getting high.. it consumes every single part of you..
So, of course.. I got out a plate I had hidden in my room, and went to the bathroom..

I turned on the water in the tub, and locked the door... I started crushing some dilaudids... I made a few really big lines.. then put the straw to the plate.. I knew I was in for a high, but I didn't expect any of what was about to come over the next few weeks..

I inhaled through my nose.. The crushed beads flying to the back of my throat.. I gagged a little, but I loved the taste.. It's almost like coffee when you're a kid.. it's so bitter, and disgusting and you can't understand why in the world anyone would drink that vial stuff... but it grows on you, and soon you love the taste, you enjoy trying different flavors.. but there's always one that's your favorite.. and you want it every morning..

.. Well that was dilaudid... and I started to crave the taste of it.. It's bitter, and gross at first.. but eventually it's like pure sugar.. you crave the taste almost as much as the high itself... You crave the ritual... Crushing it up, and making the lines... Or when you're an intravenous drug user; cooking it up.. stiring it, and eventually sticking the needle in your vein..

The drug was in me... I licked the rest of the powder off the plate... Not a speck of this precious drug was being wasted today..

I got undressed and got into the bath... I lit a smoke, and waited..
I felt butterflies, and I got light headed.. It was coming..
One more puff on the cigarette and it was here... The rush.. The pay off.. Everything I wanted..

.. It's almost orgasmic, you feel it everywhere in your body.. the rest of your muscles relax, you're at ease.. and all of your worries disappear and fade away into bliss..

I sat there for 10 minutes... with my eyes closed.. smoking a cigarette.. holding every puff in like it was my last.. I felt on top of the world..

I finished getting a bath... Even putting my head under water to rinse the shampoo out felt amazing.. it's like every little thing in life has a special glow to it.. an aura, and you always want to feel that way..
The problem with this is it's not real... I was throwing my life away, and hurting everyone around me... I was breaking my family members hearts... yet I now felt great and didn't care.. It made me selfish, and things didn't matter at all..

I went downstairs after getting dressed.. I had my drugs on me, and in me.. and I was on top of the world..
I was overly excited.. I'm generally very hyper, but these drugs made me talk a mile a minute, and I would want everyone else to feel good.. so I would talk and lie about being sober, and doing well..
But they knew... They could tell by this point when something wasn't right with me.. and they asked me.. "Is everything OK Neil?" .. "yes" I said.. "What do you mean?"

So that's the back story... I wish that was the end of it.. but it wasn't..

It was getting close to 7 or 8 at night... I was on the couch and passing out.. I had taken almost every drug I had.. Except for half a bottle of Ativan I had gotten filled a few days earlier..

I couldn't keep my head up, and I wasn't even talking right... My parents tried to get me up, and to start acting normal, but I was getting mad at them accusing me of using..

That's when they told me to leave.. They told me to go.. and that I was ruining their Christmas.. And I was..
I got my stuff together.. and left.. With no idea where I was going.. I grabbed a pop bottle I had filled with rum earlier and left the house... It was Christmas eve.. and I had no where to go.. and nothing to do..
I took out my bottle of ativan, and took 10-15 more of them, and washed them down with rum..

With all of the drugs I was on, it was a dangerous mix.. and would end badly one way or another..

I ended up going to a guys house.. This guy used to use drugs with me, and we would get high and hangout..
I went to his house, and knocked on his door.. he was home alone, drinking a quart of rum.. so he was pretty happy to see me..

We ended up taking the rest of the ativan I had.. and drinking most of the night.. we were both out of our minds, when we both wanted to get some dilaudids... We both had no money though, so we were trying to come up with ways to make some..

"Lets go for a walk" He said.. "and see if we can find a way to make some money" .. So off we went..
And it didn't take very long before we found ourselves some trouble.. This night would turn out to be one of the biggest mistakes I ever made.. and it's depressing to think of even to this day..

I'm just glad I've got a second chance to prove that I'm better than that life.. and I've been doing a very good job of that so far...

-Neil

Part 2... And it starts with a phone call..

[I'm sorry this blog is short, and late being posted.. I was out for dinner with the head of addictions services in our area, and then I had a job interview.. which went really well... I'm hoping to start next week, and I'll let you guys know if I get it... It won't affect my blog, because it's shift work, and the hours will still allow me to write every day, and respond to all the emails and questions I get.... Thanks for reading guys.. this blog is growing bigger than I ever expected it to... and it just keeps growing and growing" ]
-Neil C.





So it had been 2 or 3 days, I had a good little stash, but I came across a little more money, and I wanted to get as much as I could..

So after what happened out there the other day, I figured I'd call before I showed up..
I always called, and always from a blocked number, because I didn't want him calling my house or my cell phone..

But today, I forgot to block my number and called him from my cell phone..
It rang 4-5 times, with no answer... I almost hung up, when I heard someone answer..

.. It was a girls voice...

"What do you think you're doing calling here?" .... "umm, I just wanted to say Hi to ******* and see how he's doing?" .. "He's doing great now that you aren't around!" .. "What are you talking about?" I said..
"Well, when I drove you home, I heard a pill bottle in your pocket when you got out of the car"
Me: "I showed you what I had in my pockets before I left... I honestly have no idea what you're talking about"
"Well why is there so many of his new pills missing?" she said... "I don't know, maybe he was in pain? I have no idea how that works"... " Ohhh but I think you do, I did some asking around and I know you use drugs, so don't even try to play it off"

"I did them when I was younger, but never pills or anything, and I haven't done anything since I was younger.."
"Tell it to someone who cares, I know you're lying... Lose this number, and don't call here again or I'm calling the police on you!" she said..

"You're paranoid, and you honestly have no idea what you're talking about... you're F****ng crazy!"

And I hung up...

Not even 3 seconds later I had a call on my cell, it was the same number I just called... "F**K" I thought.... "I didn't block my number" ..

I let it go to voice mail... and went back downstairs.. I just sat down on the computer again, when I got another call from her... I sent it straight to voice mail.. this happened 3 or 4 more times... And stopped..

When I checked my voice mail messages, I realized this girl wasn't giving up...

"Who the hell do you think you're calling crazy you drug addict? Taking advantage of a senior? you're sick and should be ashamed of yourself!.. Click"

"How dare you speak to me like that, you asshole, don't ever call here again... I think I might call the police! ... Click"

" And another thing...... Click"

... I deleted all the messages, and I thought that was over with..

I called a guy I knew up, and asked him if he wanted to get high... I walked to his house, and he got out some plates... I gave him a 24mg pill, and I did one too... We sat and talked... I didn't tell him what was going on... And I had my phone on vibrate.. after I got high, I was playing guitar and bass... we were having a bit of a jam session, and it went on for maybe 30minutes.. then I could feel my phone vibrating in my pocket... I pulled it out, and it was the same number...

I pressed the end call button, and went back to what I was doing... I could feel it buzzing a few more times, but I ignored it... I ended up leaving, and started to walk home... I checked my messages, and it was her again.. and again.. and again..

she left me 3 more voice mails..

The sum of them were "Will you please pick up so I can tell you something, If you don't pick up next time I call, I'm calling the police"

This scared me... so I called her right back...

"Hello?... what do you want?" ... " I was just talking to ******* and he told me everything... and I want you to promise me you won't come out here again, and I won't call the police.. if you ever show up here again, i'll call the police... I just want a promise so I don't have to worry"

"I still don't know what you're talking about" I said... "But I promise you I won't come out again.. Even though I find this UN-fair.. I help him out a lot, so I hope you're at least going to do the things he needs done"

"Well I will... now good bye"

"Bye, and I'm sorry for what I said to you earlier, but please don't call this number again, it's not mine"

"Then why does it say your name on it?" she said..

... "I co-signed for my brother, and we share it sometimes"

"Ok... Bye"
"Bye"

And that was that...

It was getting close to Christmas at this point.. it must have been a week or two before it... I had enough drugs to last me right until Christmas if I made them last, I could get past new years..

But I could never make them last... and having too many pills always seemed to get me in trouble..
I was fine when it was just 1 or 2"...

-Neil

End of summer/turning to fall.. (Part 1 )

I was back home by now, and things were going OK..
I'd been to detox one more time, and left early..

I took a drug program they had there, and left during the last afternoon of it..
there was less than 2 hours left.. but I had a little over 100 bucks, and drugs were all I could think about.. So I had to go, my mind was made up, and no one could change it. 

They were asking me "Are you sure you want to sign out? you're almost done"
I told them I was sure, and I just wanted to leave..

So I signed out at the nurses station, my duffel bag was already packed.. and that was that..

When I left I was over a week clean.. but the only thing on my mind was scoring and getting high.. that was it..
I went to see Marcus' .. but he was out, he didn't have anything..
So I stopped at a few other places.. Everyone was out, and I was getting angry..

There was only one option left..

It was a beautiful sunny day out, and the birds were chirpping.. The summer was over though.. I belive this was late September.... but today was beautiful
I went to an older mans house I heard of and knew he had drugs he sold sometimes.. .. I heard through a few people he was selling some of his medication.. This man was close to 80 years old, and I didn't want to bug him..but I needed to score.
When I knocked on the door, he yelled at me to come in, with a raspy scratchy voice..

"Sit down" He said... "I know who you are.. I've seen you around.. You're that calder kid...You want a coffee?"
"No, I'm OK"...I said... Feeling very out of place..
"No, have one, you're gonna be here a bit so you might as well get comfortable" - He said In his raspy voice.

I sat and talked to him for a while.. he made me a coffee.. It was like muck, and stronger than Pure espresso..
His house stunk like cat litter.. and it was a little too much the deal with at first..
Especially when all you can think about is scoring your hit..
He finally asked me what I wanted.. I asked him what he had.. and he pulled out a black bag filled with prescription bottles..

"Take a look at them then let me know"... This guy looked almost identical to William S Burroughs.. And even sounded like him..   I looked carefully through the bag, and sat each bottle out into different spots... Ones I wanted, and ones that were worthless..

He had a little bit of everything, they all had different fill dates on them.. Everything from 6 year old morphine, to 2 week old Dilaudid..
I picked out the ones that caught my eye.. 8mg dilaudids, 24mg hydromorphone contin, and 100mg morphine pills... "How much?" I said.. 

We worked out the prices, which were all really cheap.. He wanted 4 dollars for the 8's, and 5 dollars for the other pills... I left there with a baggy full of pills, but not before a few more long stories.. He talked, and talked and talked... I just wanted out of there, I wanted to use.. but he just wanted someone to talk to..
I ended up asking to use his bathroom, and I snorted a morphine and two 8's while I was there...

I hated being there until the drugs kicked in.. then I was more than happy to talk to him.. I stayed there for almost 2 hours, then walked home.. He lived really far from me, so I had a long walk back.. I was going to save enough for a cab, but I got a 24mg dilaudid for the same price as a drive home.. and being an addict the drugs were much more important..

I got home, and it was the same routine; I had a duffel bag I carried the entire way with me... My shoulder was ready to fall off. I ended up going right upstairs, and started playing video games... I passed out, and didn't wake up until 9.. I talked with my parents for a bit, I told them how well everything was going -All a bunch of lies- and then they went to bed..

I stayed up, used a few pills and talked to some people on msn....then went back to bed too..

The next morning I woke up, I was home alone.. And I did what I did every morning.. Got high.. The problem was this was the same routine.. Over and over..

I started going to this old mans house all the time.. Every time I was there however, I had to stay for over an hour before I could leave... He used to tell me it's because he didn't want the cops to know he was selling drugs, he said they'd just think I was visiting him... I think he just wanted someone to talk to.
I don't think he really even needed the money.. I think he was just bored with his life, and alone.. he just wanted a friend..

So, I was his friend... I would clean up for him, in exchange for pills.. I would go to the store for him.. in exchange for pills.. I would sit and talk to him.. all in exchange for pills. I didn't like being there, but it was an easy supply of drugs.. Before every appointment he had to get a refill, I would tell him what to say in order to get stronger pills, and more of them..

There came a point when I was out there everyday, when I had pills or not.. Even when I had no money, he would always give me a pill or two..
I thought I had it made.. I thought everything was too good to be true.. but everything that's good comes to an end..  So that old saying usually proves to be true.. if something seems too good to be true, it is"

I did some work for a week, and I had 350 dollars... So I went to his house, I bought a little of everything he had, and went to the bathroom to use them.. When I came out, I could hear him arguing with someone... It was his daughter, or grand daughter.. I'm not sure who..

I came out, and she said "Who tell hell is this!?" And he said "His name's Neil, I get him to do work around the house for me" .. "Ohh really? " she said.. "Why are all of your pill bottles out?"
She started looking at them.. she was sorting them too.. all by dates... "I'm taking these old medications back" She said, and I'm telling the pharmacist to only give you a weeks worth at a time" You're doing it again aren't you... Just like with *****, he was out here at least once a week, and I knew what you were doing then"

"I think it's time for your to leave... Neil is it?... Before I call the police"

"I'm sorry, but I have no idea what you're talking about.. he was going through them to throw the pills out anyway, he said he didn't need them anymore so he was getting rid of them"

"Yes" he said... "I still take some of them though when my back gets too bad, my doctor told me it's fine"
She ended up taking the ones he "Didn't Need" anymore, which were mostly blood thinners and anti-biotics..
Every time she would find a 4 year old bottle of pain killers, he would say "I still use those, they help me get through the night when the pain is Unbearable" .. She took all of the Valium and Ativan he had.. but left the xanax and clonazpam.. She took a couple bottles of painkillers too..

Then she looked at me, and said "Neil, I hate to ask you this, but in order for me to belive you... would you mind emptying your pockets?"
I stashed the bag of pills in my boxers where I always did while I was in the bathroom..
"Yup, No problem".. I pulled everything out, and there was nothing to do with drugs in them.. I told her to check my coat to.. she did.. and found nothing..
"Well I'm sorry Neil, but we heard that he was selling his pills to someone else before.. So we were just concerned"

" I understand" I said  "I would want to make sure that wasn't happening either.. If  ****** comes out here again I'll let you know.." Thanks" she said and left with the Pill bottles in hand.

She was out in her car, and ready to leave...
The old fella said to me "Thanks, you just saved my ass, honestly.. Here... Take the bottle of morphine 100's for free to show my gratitude " I said thanks, and payed him what I owed him for the other stuff, and he let me give him 250 instead of 350 so "I'd have 100 dollars spending money"-His words
... I told him I better leave now, and I'll stop by tomorrow if I can.

I left the house, and took the corner to where the driveway was, and she was still sitting there, texting on her phone... She rolled down the window, and asked me if I needed a drive home.. I told her I was meeting a friend at the coffee shop in town, so she told me to get in then dropped me off there... When I went to get out, I heard a few of the pills in the bottle sort of slide around,.. So I carefully exited the car so it wouldn't make any more noise... when I stood up to shut the door I said "Thanks for the drive, bye" as soon as I said this, I could hear the pills slide and hit the bottom off the container and they made the typical clinking and clanking sound.. but before she could hear I slammed the door fast... and waved good bye to her..
She waved with one hand, and gave me a funny look, but I was high... so I didn't think anything of it..

I went into the bathroom, and took our the gray morphine pills and put them into the bag in my boxers crotch.. I ran the pill bottle under water, and scrapped the label of with a key.. then threw it in the garbage.. I flushed the pill container label down the toilet then went home... I walked past the pharmacy.. and saw her car in there... so I had to run past it to get home, or she would know I was lying..

I made it home without her seeing me, and went to my room... I put my drugs in some hiding spots I had at the time, and left them there... All except for 3 morphine and six 8mg Dilaudids..

But that's not where this story ended..

-Neil

Part 2

I saw him being wheeled out.. down the steps and into the ambulance..
as I went outside, there was already a reporter there, following the ambulance..

He got out to take some pictures, and I ran over to him.. I asked him to leave, and he just pushed past me..
I put my hand over his lens and started to get angry.. I can't remember exactly what I said, but I was acting irrational, and being extremely rude to him. He ended up leaving, but only because the ambulance was pulling out..

I watched it leave, and just stood there... His mother and father showed up, and asked me what happened, I told them, and they drove me to the hospital... it was a slow quite drive there.. we didn't even speak a word to each other. I believe they were upset with me, because they knew I was using drugs with him..

We got to the hospital, and waited in the waiting room, I was scared, but I knew he'd be OK now...
A nurse came up to me and asked me what he took, I told them the exact amount of everything he took..

We waited around, while they gave him Narcan.. we waited and waited, then his son showed up..
He came over to me and hugged me, with tears in his eyes.. he said to me "Thank you for saving my dads life" But those words just bounced off me.. I didn't save him, it was partially my fault he was in there.. and that's all I could think about..

A little later, his girlfriend came in.. She was at work when it happened, but she came as soon as she found out.. She was talking to the nurses, then came up to me.. and yelled "You need to tell them exactly what he took" .. I explained to her that I did.. I told them exactly what he took, and when he took it..

She said to me "Get out of here, just go home, we don't want you here" .. I remember this quite vividly, because I was pretty offended. I understand now she was just stressed out, and she knew we used together. Before any of this, we got along quite well, but she was mad at me.. and we've never really talked since then.. She's moved on from him, and isn't with him anymore.. I'm not even sure where she is, but I hope she's not offended by me telling this part.

I didn't leave until I saw him...

The nurse came out and told us we could go in and see him.. I went in and started to tear up.. I felt horrible, I blamed myself.. I told him I was sorry, and he said "Sorry for what? You just saved my life" .. But I didn't "save his life" .. I was with him, and I was doing drugs with him.. it could have easily been me... the only reason it wasn't was because of my drug tolerance..

The nurses told us he needed some rest, so I left the room..

I said good bye to his son, and left..

I walked home, and lit a smoke as soon as I was off the hospital property, I now knew I had to deal with my parents.. and explain to them what happened.

I dreaded going back home, but I did.. .

When I walked in, they didn't know what happened... and I wish I hadn't of told them, but I felt compelled to.. it was something big that happened to me, I was still feeling pretty shaken up about it, and wanted someone to talk to... The problem with this was, I had put my parents through a lot at this point..

When I told them, they were instantly mad at me... They thought I was going out to work for the day, not preform CPR and call an ambulance.. I went into the living room, and then they called me out into the kitchen..

They told me I would have to leave... They were kicking me out.. I was really mad at them at this point, I grabbed some stuff, and left after having some words with them..

I had put them through HELL up to this point, I had been kicked out twice and allowed back, I felt like I had nowhere to go..

I walked the streets for a while, then called George's son..
I told him what happened, and he spoke with his mother..he called me back and told me I was welcome to stay with them for as long as I needed.. At this point in my life, I was LUCKY to have anyone on my side; but for some reason I did.. They welcomed me into their home, and fed me, they were so nice to me, and always treated me with respect.. I'm not sure why, but they did..

.. My life was the same routine, Getting money for drugs, and doing drugs... The only difference was where I slept..
I wouldn't do drugs in their home, because I didn't want to get kicked out of there, so I would walk 20 minutes away, to an apartment complex in down..
It was a bit of a slum, and it had a shared kitchen (which no one used) and a common area..

I remember I went to sleep at Georges sons house the first night, then left early in the morning... His mom gave me some smokes, and asked me if I needed anything, I told her I didn't... and she left for work.

I still had a 30 mg pill, so I walked to the apartment complex..
I was walking to the place, when I sat down on the steps of an old shut down store in town..
I lit up a smoke, and then I saw George drive by, he stopped and waved me over to his car.. I jumped in and talked to him..

He thanked me, and we just started talking.. I told him how I got kicked out, and that I had no place to go... He told me if his girlfriend wasn't so mad at me I could come stay with him, but she wouldn't have it..
We drove a little bit, then he dropped me off by the apartment complex.. I told him I was quiting, and didn't want anything to do with drugs anymore. Just in case he wanted some..
but he didn't.. he left, and we parted ways.. We really didn't hangout much after this for a few months, but we eventually did..

I looked up at the beige building..
I walked up the stairs to the common area, and opened the door into the kitchen..
I looked through all the cupboards, and found a plate and a big spoon... I wiped them both off and sat them down on the counter..  I reached into my pocket, and pulled out the big red capsule.. I poured the beads out onto the plate.. I crushed the beads up, then made them into two lines...

I was just reaching into my wallet to find a Bill to roll up, when a man came through... He said hi,  and asked me what I was doing.. I told him I was waiting for a friend to get dressed in one of the apartments.. he said "OK, just wondering" and left..

I rolled up the bill, and snorted the first line... I just bent down to snort the second, when I could heard someone coming up the stairs.. I snorted the second line as fast as I could; Just then I could feel someone looking at me.. There was a larger man, standing at the top of the stairs beside and the entrance to the common area.. I looked at him just long enough to see him open his mouth and yell "What the hell are you doing?!?!" I instantly ran as fast as I could.. There was a hallway then an exit on the opposite side of where the man was... I ran, took the corner and took off down the hallway as fast as I could.... For someone who weighed close to 300 lbs he moved pretty damn fast.. I took a right, then slammed into the bar of the back door to open it...

It got stuck for a second, then I slammed it as hard as I could a second time... the door opened, and I took off down the steps.. there was a flight and a half of stairs to move down.. and I was moving as quick as I could... I was already past the parking lot when I turned my head.. and he was halfway down the stairs... he stopped because he realized he couldn't catch me.. but I could hear him yelling..

"Don't ever come back here you junkie f**k!.. If I ever see you again!" I yelled back at him, and called him a fat F***.. and kept running.. I hate to say this, but I was laughing at this point.. I found it extremely funny..
Thinking back on it now; I'm embarrassed, and I'm ashamed to even tell this part of the story..

I was pretty far away, and lit a smoke and kept walking down a back street.. I was just walking and laughing..

-Neil

Work, then 911.. (part 1)

I was working with a good friend of mine at the time, We called him George..
We had a few jobs in the next town over to do, but we decided to stick with one of them, and we went to work..

On the drive up, we each took some Xanax.. I'm not sure how much, but enough to make us feel weird... We went to work.. we had a few hours of stuff to do, so we finished some trim up in the guys new kitchen George was building..

The problem was he was a great worker, he was skilled at what he did, but he had a drug problem.. He lived about 20 minutes away from me in a town called Oxford.. He'd been in and out of the drug scene for a long time, but he really took to xanax and dilaudid.. he loved them.

He's been clean for over 3 years now, and he's doing really well.. So I hope he doesn't mind me sharing this.. but it's an important part of my story..

We worked pretty hard that day, and got a lot done... every hour or so we would take another xanax though, which was a bad idea..

He had me vacuuming up in a room downstairs we were working on... The entire time I was working down there, I kept my eyes open for anything worth money...
I didn't find anything that day, but I was looking through some pill bottles that were in that room... I was hoping to find a painkiller or some sort, because I wasn't feeling good today. It had been close to a full day since I had used, so I was feeling pretty gross..

We finished up, and he asked the home owner for a cash advance on our work.. he gave us 200 dollars, and we got in the car and left...
"Can you get us any d's?" George said... "Yeah I can, how many should we get?" "Lets get 4 30's"..

"30's" were big red 30mg time release dilaudid's.. They were around 40 dollars a piece.. So he drove me to a guys house I knew, so I jumped out, and got the pills.
We drove back to George's house.. and Got out 2 plates and two spoons..
We each poured out 1 30 mg pill, and went to work.. we crushed them up, and got ready to snort them..
I asked him for a bill to use, and he handed me 1, he told me to keep it for working today.. I also had 1 other pill in my pocket, and so did he..

We snorted them, and started talking... He was slurring his words, and nodding off... I was on his computer, and started to roll up a joint.. I was talking to a guy I knew, and I told him I would stop over and smoke the joint with him, since he lived close by.

I went back to tell George I would be back in 30 minutes or so... but when I went upstairs he was passed out in the chair... I tried shaking him, but he wouldn't wake up... I felt his chest, and could only feel a faint heart beat... I put my hand just above his mouth.. but I couldn't feel any air going in or out... he wasn't breathing..

I tried shaking him violently... I was yelling at him, and slapping the side of his face.. Nothing would wake him up... I was freaking out, and didn't know what to do... I ran to the computer, and asked the guy I was going to smoke a joint with to come over.. he lived just on the next street over, so it only took him a minute to get there... I was trying to wake George up still, but nothing would work..

I asked the guy who came over to help me take him to the car, I was going to drive him to the hospital... He told me No, and that I should call an ambulance... I told him I would give him 5 grams of weed if he would just help me carry him out.. but he wouldn't.. he left.. And I don't blame him, he was scared.. So was I..

I had no choice, it had been about 5 minutes.. so I called an ambulance, I was crying at this point, and told them to hurry up..

I learned CPR in Cadets, as well as in health class in school.. I started giving him CPR.. I plugged his nose, and breathed into his mouth... then started with chest compressions... his lips were turning dark blue... I stayed calm, and kept preforming CPR.. I could feel his heart beating.. but he wasn't breathing... I kept up with the breathing and compressions until the ambulance got there... They came in, and told me to move out of the way... I told them exactly what he took, and all of the details.. the got a compression bag out and started giving him air... they loaded him onto the stretcher.. I kept asking them how I could help, I was panicking.. they just told me to get out of the way...

-Neil

Too many close calls...

it's been about 3 days..
I tried Opana maybe 4 times after that day.. Only half a pill at a time.

The weird thing was, I could take huge amounts of other drugs.. but there was something about this drug.. it was really strong..
It was early in the week... everyone was at work, or at school..
I started the day off by taking 2 xanax bars.. and washed them down with a coffee..

As soon as it started kicking in, I grabbed a plate, a spoon, and got my baggy out..
I took out a 32mg palladone, and 2 opana.. I was a little inebriated from the xanax, so I got a little careless..
I snorted the 32mg palladone, then went to work on the opana... At first, I was only going to take one 40 mg pill... but I figured with my tolerance, 1 and a half wouldn't hurt me..

I snorted them and then went to my room to play some video games..
I remember lighting a smoke and taking a few puffs..
Then my eyes started to get heavy.. I was drifting off to sleep, when I felt something burning on my finger... The smoke I was smoking came to rest on my ring finger on my left hand..

The weird thing is, I've burnt this finger before, but never like this.. It was bubbling up and had ashes burnt into it.. I instantly jumped up and ran to the bathroom.. I ran cold water over the burn for at least 10 minutes... Even with the opiates in my system, I could feel the pain welling up... I was swearing, screaming and yelling..

I tried to dry it off with a towel but I couldn't touch it.. I didn't know what to do, so I went downstairs above my sink... We had a make-shift first-aid kit/medicine cabinet in the small cupboard above it. I pulled a chair up, and started looking... I found Flamazine, which is used for burns.. and I also found some bandages and clear tape... I put the flamazine on, and wrapped my burn up with the bandages..

It still hurt, but it was OK for now... Even to this day I have a huge scar on my finger to remind me of how dumb I was.. But sometimes lessons take a little longer to learn for others..

I lit another smoke, and tried to play some call of duty.. and of course, I started nodding off again.. I burnt at least 2 holes in my shirt, and a few in the sheets.. I took my smokes and put them downstairs.. I figured I didn't wanna burn the house down..

I put the blue-tooth Mic in my ear, and tried playing a few games... I couldn't keep my eyes open though, so this was useless... it must have been around  9:30am.. and I had the whole day ahead of me. I was supposed to go see my drug councilor at 12:30, so I needed to stay away... I made another coffee, and watched some TV.. I woke up again to boiling hot coffee spilled on my chest.. I made a huge mess, and my chest was red from the coffee... I just couldn't keep my head up. It was pathetic, and I've seen it before in other people.

I just thought I never looked half as bad as that... but it turns out I did...

I cleaned it up, then went to get a bath... I started to fill it up and got in..
It was getting pretty full, and I shut it off... The next thing I remember is waking up with my mouth under water... the water was really cold, so I knew I had been in it for a while..

I got out and dried myself off, I looked in the mirror and my lips were darker.. they were starting to turn bluish gray..  I was getting a little worried, but in my drugged out euphoric state, I didn't do anything about it.
I came downstairs and took my 2 puffers to help me breath.. It was getting harder with each breath. It felt like there was a ton of weight sitting on my chest.. pushing all of the air out, and making it hard to draw a breath in..

It was almost 12:30, and I thought about going to my meeting, but I figured that was a waste of time.
I went on the computer, and started talking to a few people I knew.. A good friend of mine at the time was on there, and we were arguing a little bit.. He said he saw me walk to a dealers house or something along those lines.. I started arguing with him, even though I knew he was right..

We were friends for a long time.. and he was worried about me, and concerned. He wanted the best for me, but I didn't want to hear any of it. I remember getting so mad at him, and I started talking down to him, Telling him where to go and to stay out of my business. I remember I challenged him to fight me, he just said I was acting like an idiot, and stopped talking to me. I felt dumb, but I had my own life built up in my head.. everything was ok, and I wasn't going to let anything or anyone get in the way of that..

We don't talk anymore, but it wasn't because of that... we were still friends after that, but we grew apart. It's sad to think of, I drove a lot of good friends and nice people out of my life due to my drug abuse.. I didn't care about anyone but myself..

I woke up 3 hours later with my head on the keyboard.. I had passed out and fell asleep at the computer desk.. when I woke up I took a deep breath, and got dizzy.. It must have been due to the lack of oxygen in my system... I was getting pretty nervous at this point, but the drugs were wearing off... I took a 5mg amphetamine pill, and started to wake up...

My brothers got home from school, and it just started all over again.. I didn't use for the rest of the day, but I did the next morning... just not as much..

-Neil

Why get rid of them when I can just get more?..And More... And more....

I got up and went to the bathroom... I slept for at least 10 hours...
It was hard to get going this morning, usually I was sick and motivated to sniff whatever pills I had..
But today,  was different... I just wasted almost 2 weeks of clean time for an extremely horrible night..

I had no plans for today, it was after 2:00pm and I should have been craving..
I came down the stairs and made myself a coffee after washing my face and shaving..
I sat down in the living room, and started watching TV.. Nothing on..
Checked my cell phone, Only a few messages and no one wanted to do anything this afternoon.. I was getting sort of depressed, and Sort of down in the dumps...

My parents weren't talking to me much, it was sort of strained, they could tell something was up, but wouldn't even ask me what I did last night, or when I got home.. My family life was falling to pieces..

My mother told me later on in my life, that almost every night she would sneak in my room, and lay her head on my chest.. or put her hand just above my mouth to make sure I was still breathing... I didn't even realize the pain my addiction was causing them... I had no idea..

I went online, and found a guy I used with once in awhile, I had him search up Oxymorphone... He told me he'd love to try it, and told me if I had any to be careful with them, because if your tolerance is down you can overdoes pretty quickly if you're shooting it.. this guy shot, I didn't..

I told him I came across 1 opana 40, and that was the only one I could get.. They were VERY rare to see in Atlantic Canada at the time..  He said "you have an entire 40?!?!?" once he said this, I realized I found a great opiate.. he told me to stop over, so I did...

I said hi to his wife, and we went upstairs to his bedroom.. He pulled out his needle kit, and I grabbed a plate and a spoon before coming upstairs.. I told him I'd give him half of it for 20 dollars (I told him I paid 40 for it)
He said "Awesome, that's a hell of a deal" ... He took his half and did his thing, then crushed it up, but left a little chunk of the pill out of the spoon, and set it in one of his baggies...

I crushed the entire half, and snorted it... and it was like I just snorted 5 dilaudid 8's, only better..
The rush came on faster, and lasted longer, and I felt like I was floating... I was sitting in a big chair, and it felt like it was leaning back on me, it was weird.. I was in a purely euphoric state.. I didn't care about anything except this... I laid with my eyes closed, smoking a cigarette, wrapped up in a blue blanket... it was flece so it felt really good wrapped around me... I opened my eyes, and looked over at him.. he was just getting ready to inject it.. he had it cooling down in a spoon, it took him a bit of time to cook it up... anyway, I sat there, smoking... and watched him put a belt around his arm..

He held the other end of the belt in his arm..
He was squeezing his fist over and over, and pumped up his veins.. they were pretty gross looking, but I didn't care... he tipped the needle up into the air, and flicked it 4 or 5 times with his finger.. then pushed the plunger in until a bead of clear liquid was sitting on the tip of the needle itself..

He picked a vein, and stuck the rig in.. he fished around a little bit, then lightly pulled back on the plunger, I saw blood ender the syringe ... Then he pushed the plunger in while releasing the belt from his teeth..

He put the orange cap back on the needle and then... Made the weirdest sounds I've ever heard..
It sounded like he was having an orgasm.... and laid down on the floor... he put a pillow under his head and curled up into the fetal position.. he was still making noises... saying "Ohhh F##K this feels amazing.. I wish heroin felt this good... F#@KKKKK" ... He lit a smoke, and started puffing on it, He was out and wasn't waking up... but he was breathing... I couldn't get him to wake up, and when I finnally did, he'd pass back out in less then 2-3 minutes.. I just laid there... texting a girl I liked... and then called her on the phone..

I laid there wrapped up, talking to her for over 2 hours, and then told her I had to go... I told her I'd meet here somewhere later that night, around 9... It was now 7... I was coming down.. and the guy I was with was coming too.... "Can you get anymore? please tell me you can!" ..

I might be able to, but they're expensive, and I want something for doing it.... "hold on he said"
He went downstairs, and came back with a can... he opened it up, and passed me 400 dollars... I want 10... but see if he'll do 14 for 400... if you can get the extras... you can have them.... OK I said..  I need money for a cab, because he doesn't want anyone else to know where he lives." Take 12 bucks out of that can... I took 32 because he was nodding off and wasn't paying attention... I hit the jackpot, or so I thought...

I called the taxi, they came and got me.. I called the guy right before I went out there, and told him I had a 420 dollar laptop I just bought, and wanted to know if he could fix it for me... And he said "Yeah sure, come on over" ... This is a routine with most drug dealers... if you're calling them you can' just say "I have 420 bucks to give you" .. .You can't say " I need 30 pills!" it doesn't work like that.. if they were being listened too by the police, they would know instantly... every dealer has a different thing you can say to them.. It's a weird part of the drug sub-culture, and sort of interesting..

Anyway, I got to his house.. I went in, and he told me to come upstairs to his bedroom..
He pulled out his bag of opanas.. and two other bags of weird pills I've never seen before... How many opanas do you want? "Well I have over 400 dollars, so I want a deal.... I want 21 Opana's at 20 a piece, but I want you to throw in 5 or 6 extra for the deal"

"I can't do that" he said... I love these... I'll sell you 21 Opana's for 420 dollars.. but for the deal I can't trade you opanas.. but I have hydromorphone contins... OK, let me see...
He showed me a bag of pure white capsules mixed with a few baby blue pills.... "What the fuck are these?.. these aren't hydromorphone contin.. and they're 32 mg.. the highest they make them in 30mg's" I said ....

"Not in America... These are called palladone, they're 32mg hydromorphone.. and they're easier to crush up, the beads aren't as tough... "These say "P X-L on one side then  32mg on the other side of them"
The white one's are 32mg the baby blues are 24's"

"Well How many of those will you give me for the deal?" "Uh, 5 sound good?" Nah come on man I know you only pay 2-3 bucks for all of these... give me at least 10... and I'll bring you more business like this..."
"Well how about this... I'll give you 8 of them plus I'll give you 5 Xanax 2's" OK I said..

He opened the Palladone bag, and gave me 8 of them... he pulled out the Xanax bag, and passed me these long bar shaped pills that actually said xanax on them and 2 on one side.. they were scored 3 or 4 times... "weird, this is the first time I've seen the x-bars" I said, or something like that... Can I get two baggies? .. "Yeah sure" the dealers said..

I put 12 Opana's in one bag, and then I put 9 Opana's, 8-Palladone 32mg pills, and 5  2mgXanax bars in the other... I put this in my wallet, and put it down in my secret pocket..

I called the cab back, it got there.. in like 5 minutes... I went back to see my user friend, and gave him the bag with 12 Opana's in it... He took out 11 of them, and passed me 1... "You said you would give me whatever I could get for the extra deal" ... "Well I was the one who spent the money" he said "Well I was the one who went out there risking my neck to buy off some psycho... Plus I gave you a half of one and you didn't even pay me for it yet... "Well here take the other one then.." Well where's my 20 bucks? "Look what you just got, you're not getting it" .... "Whatever man, you're an asshole... I'm leaving"

As I was leaving, I had an evil smile on my face... addicts always scam other addicts.... Now, with this being said, I didn't screw over some of my addict friends, but a lot of them ripped me off or stole from me... it's a disease and you don't care who you hurt, you just need you fix..

I walked back home, and Snorted another half of an opana..
When I got there I ate some supper. I tried talking to my parents.. But they got mad at me that night because They could tell I was high; they said "You're nodding off" And I was sure I wasn't.. but I must have been... I ate and stormed off to my room all mad about it.. So I snorted another half...
I also took a 5mg Dexedrine pill to keep my heart beating in case it was too much..

I ended up passing out, and didn't wake up till the next day.... and I thought I was dreaming.... Until I went downstairs, reached into my coat.. and found the bag of pills... This was crazy, I had all of these drugs, plus I still had 2 more Opana's in my room... but stock was getting replenished, and I was content again.. but I wasn't sure exactly what happened last night.. I called  the guy I used with, and I told him I was sorry for freaking out.. and he said he was sorry too... he told me to come buy later and he'd split another pill for me... I told him I couldn't, because I was waiting to work out a deal for some dilaudids... I told him i'd stop buy in a day or two...

-Neil.

Might seem like this is just a war story, but in my blog tomorrow, you'll understand why I wrote this blog like this... Just wait for part two.. And to all the users reading.. Most of you know what you're doing... but just be careful.. you know Narcan is the only thing to save you from an opiate overdoes.. but I just don't want my blogs getting someone craving a certain drug and making them relapse, so I'm going to give up most of the drug details in the future.. thanks for reading, stay informed, and be aware of what dangers are out there...

Thanks!

Yes.. and an Opana stop sign story.

Yeah sure, Can you pick me up?

"I'll be right out"

Old George was there pretty quick, and picked me up.. he had some coke, and we drove back to his place. .
He pulled out his gram baggy and dished out a couple of lines..

We snorted them off his dryer and started talking..
"So you're all clean eh? hahahaha!" He said to me..

"Clean from opiates.. I can still have fun once in a while"

We did a few lines, and drank a few beer.. We talked about drugs, how our plants were doing and work..
I was getting angry at one point and asked him why he pinned stealing the drugs on me..
He told me that If he didn't, he would have lost the whole contract, and 3 other people would have been out of work..

Well why did you do it in the first place? What can I say? Why did you steal all my change that time?

... He was right.. One day I went out there to see if he wanted to split on a pill, He wasn't home.. But he had a big cup of change... and I took 20 dollars out of it.. I just responded with "I guess we're even eh?"

And that was that... We never once talked about it again..

"Wanna go out to visit  Cindy?".. "Yeah sure" I said... So we drove out there..
When we got there, we stayed in the driveway for a second and dumped out some more coke from the bag.. We poured it onto a CD case, and each took a big line, probably close to 1/3 of a gram each... "So we wouldn't have to come back out in 20 minutes" (another dangerous decision)

We went inside, there was just a few people at Cindy's drinking beer.. We only brought 8 beer with us, but she had a lot in the fridge.. We drank another beer, but before I was done, my heart was killing me... It felt like it was beating at 500bpm.. I felt like I was going to be sick... "Excuse me" I said..

I ran to the bathroom, and splashed freezing cold water in my face.. My face was beat red... and I was getting scared... I drank at least 2 liters of cold water from the tap, then went back out.. I figured if I got a few more beer into me, it would slow my heart rate down.. because alcohol is a downer.. I chugged the beer I had..

I sat there with it while it was empty for a few minutes "Go grab us all a beer will you Neil?" Cindy said... "Yup"
I went out to the fridge.. I grabbed 4 beer, and came back out.. I passed one to another old man who was there, I can't even remember who he was now.. " Aren't you going to take the cap off?" Cindy said..
"He can take his own cap off can't he?" "You're a guest, and if you're grabbing someone a beer you always take the cap off!" she said in an angry tone.. "Sorry" I said... I took it back, and took the cap off.. then took the caps off the other two and passed them out..

I was feeling really weird.. my head was pounding.. but not in pain... I just felt a thumping in my brain, around my temples on each side... this constant pulse.. like a bass drum smashing into my head.. I was getting scared.. I chugged the beer in one drink, and went to grab another..

Cindy had some whiskey in the fridge, I took the quart bottle, took the cap off and chugged straight whiskey out of the bottle like it was water.. I'm not sure how much I drank exactly.. but it was a lot...

I finally started to feel better about 10 minutes after that.. but I didn't feel drunk at all.. there was still too much cocaine in my system, and whatever it was cut with..

As soon as I started feeling better, we talked about leaving (To go do a line) but we didn't want cindy or anyone else to know..
I asked Cindy for a lighter, and she gave me it, I put it in my pocket -By accident- but she got really mad at me... she called me a thief and brought up the fact I stole change from Geoge one time, which I paid back..
So I said to George "Lets just leave"

We did, but Cindy's daughter didn't want him to drive (for obvious reasons) and she drove us around.. we stopped on an old road on the outskirts of town, George took out the CD case, and made 2 more big lines... I thought about not doing it, but then the addict in me said "F%$@ it, just do it!" and sure enough, I did..  We drove back to Cindy's house, but I didn't want to stay there.. I told George I would meet up with him the next day, and I left..

My heart was pounding..... and it all started again... Each step I felt worse and worse... My heart was KILLING me, I thought I was having a heart attack.. This was 12:30ish at night.. it wasn't very cold..
I had 80 dollars in the bank, and 20 dollars on me..

I walked to the bank, which actually look me a long time.. I was scared I was going to have a heart attack... I was blowing my nose, trying to get the rest of it out of there.. I got my 100 dollars, and I went to the only guy I knew who was up at the time.. it was literally a 20 minute walk there and 20 minutes back... I didn't have time for that. I called a cab..

They drove me out there, I went in to meet Craig, and asked what he had... This guy went to the states a lot, and brought back weird drugs you can't get in Canada.. I asked him what he had, and he said OxyMorphone... I've heard of these before, the trade name opana) they were extended release

I've heard of them, but never in my life have I seen them.. But my heart was pounding..
I have 90 dollars after the cab, will you sell me 6 opanas? And what mg are they.

They're OP-40'S.. I'll sell you 5 for $90.00 and I'm telling you that's the best deal you'd ever get on these"
Ok, Sounds good to me"..

I got the weird shaped pills, and got a cab back to my house..

I wanted to stay away but I couldn't... I've heard of these, but I KNEW they were the holy grail of opiates next to pure heroin... and I heard each 40mg extended release (XR) pill sold for close to 50-60 dollars in the states... so I got a hell of a deal... less then 20 dollars a piece!

My head was pounding still, my mind racing... I still think this was cut with speed or meth.. Because usually when I snorted cocaine it felt good for a little while, but then you come down... With this stuff,  you don't come down for hours and hours... which, is a huge sign of an amphetamine cut (dangerous)

I went to erowid and looked up how strong it was, I was searching web-page after web-page and I finally just gave up and figured 1 would be enough.

I peeled it, snorted it, and put the rest away in my hiding spot...
I went on the computer, and started reading up more on it.. I was scared... I thought I took too much... This was a HUGE dose for someone, and I was fresh out of detox, so my tolerance was down again..

I got a powerful rush, it felt amazing... it felt like I shot a dilaudid, only I got this from snorting a pill... it was amazing... but then I started to get tired... I erased the computers history, and went up to my room... I lit a cigarette, and was nodding hard, I finally got awake enough to put the smoke out in the ashtray (instead of the sheets like most nights) and I remember nodding off for maybe 20 minutes... I was seeing things, pink elephants and other weird stuff from closing my eyes... I felt warm, content and my body felt so relaxed.

Then, I fell asleep... I woke up almost 10 hours later, it was 3 in the afternoon..
I couldn't catch my breath... one look in the mirror and I could tell my lips were blue.. I believe I would have overdosed if I wasn't on cut-cocaine that night... the stimulant in my system was enough to keep me alive and breathing a bit while I was asleep...

Oxymorphone is a POWERFUL DRUG and should NEVER be used by someone who doesn't know anything about it... it's extremely dangerous... so be aware.

I started breathing innnnn and outtttt..... innnnn and outtttt.... the color of my skin came back, and I was OK...but I KNOW I was lucky... I would have been dead if I only took a 40mg opana..  But I didn't wanna use another opana again.. They scared me..

-Neil

New job, new blues..

I was 17, and I started working for this other guy, who was about 60 years old.. We'd do carpentry work and get high together. We were friends at the time, and would look out for one another.

I was sick one day and he came over and brought me an oxycontin 40mg pill.. I snorted it, and it took the sickness away. We always hunted for drugs...

Anyway, I was working for him at one house, doing some basic stuff around this person home... He had a key, and everything and I was trying to control my addiction again, trying to skip a day here or there and only use once in a day.. no more than that..

Everyday we worked together, we would get a big pill and split it.. then get to work. Or we would take a couple of xanax while we were working (Some I was prescribed, Some we would buy off of two other people)
It made us work faster and joke around a little more. It was scary..

One day, he found a bottle of benzo's at a place we were working at... Before this, he gave me 4 ativan.. he was prescribed them sometimes, so I didn't think anything off it..
Well it turns out, he stole about 40 or 50 of them and went home.

I got a call from him later saying "You can come to work there anymore.. her pills went missing and she thinks it was you"... What The F#&% man? I said... "You know it wasn't me, I didn't take a fucking thing... What did she say?"
"She thinks it was you, and doesn't want you in her house anymore" ..
This BUGGED me, because I KNEW it was him... He could have at least paid me what I was going to make the rest of the job for taking the blame, but he didn't.. He told her I was the one who did it, and I got thrown out of a great job which I loved doing.

I called him pretty bad, and we weren't talking for a little while, finally we did when I called and said I needed to get paid my money...
It was only about 200 dollars... but I told him I wanted it because I was going to detox tomorrow and I NEEDED it that night... he was supposed to pay me before this... but failed to. Amway, he told me to call the girl "The one who thought I stole her pills" In order to get paid.... Craving my drugs, I ended up calling her and said "Old George said that you would pay me my hours there... and I want you to know, I have no idea what happened to your pills"... "I think you do" she said or something along those lines... "Meet me at the bank at 8:30" Thanks, ... Bye"

I signed up for detox, I didn't want to get back into drugs... I wanted a good life at this point...
So I signed up for a 10 day stay at a local detox in our area. I met this woman outside of the bank, she asked me how many hours I worked, I told her 18.. I was getting paid 10.50 an hour at the time, she ended up paying me 200 dollars and left... I told her I was sorry she thought it was me, but I really have no idea what happened to them" she kept walking to her car and thanked me for working for her..

I think she thought I was a horrible thief at the time, I felt ashamed and embarrassed even though I DIDN'T even take 1 of them..

I bought pills with my pay... I bought 30 morphine 30's for 30 dollars... which was a great price at the time.
I bought 2  30Mg hydromorphone contin capsules (for 75 dollars)
I then bought 2 8's off of Marcus' for 20 dollars, he gave me a deal.
Then I bought 4mg pills off of an old lady I knew for 2 dollars a piece.. not sure how many but at least 30..
Then I went to my own pill bottle and got 10 xanax and 4 Valium 10's... 

I was at home, the night before going to detox... I took 4 Valium and waited about 20 minutes for them to kick in... I then snorted 10 4mg dilaudid's  and 4 30mg morphine pills...
I sat and thought about my life.. and where it was going..

I was a junkie... a piece of shit... I didn't care anymore.. fuck it, fuck life.. 

I'm gonna get high with the rest of my pills at detox... and I'm going to take the programs, and be serious about it.. and not get kicked out this time.

I passed out after chatting to some girls on the phone... embarrassed myself with one of them, told her I loved her ( Even though she wasn't the girl I had a crush on, we were just friends) and she told me the same thing "we're just friends" ... I didn't find out till the next day... so I told her the truth, I was messed up on drugs when I said that... I have a crush on someone else.. and I would never ruin our friendship like that, I'm sorry... She forgave me, and we moved on..

After I woke up, I got a shower... I got all packed up for detox.. and packed my crotch with a few things.. I didn't bring them all, but I did bring a lot of stuff.

Right before I left, I snorted a LOT of drugs again, and I brought enough with me to only get high the first two days out of 10 that I was there..

There were no treats packed this visit like the rest of them... my parents were fed up, and it sucked to think about.. But we left, I brought my guitar this time.. and we were on our way... as SOON as I sat down in the nurses office, I started to get high.. she asked what drugs I was taking... I told her, and gave my urine sample like always.. they checked my stuff, and sent me to my room..

I met all of the guys, they seemed great.. I met all of the girls, they were nice too.. It was a good group this time, and I was actually looking forward to taking the program and finishing it..

While I was there, I was playing guitar.. a few of the clients listened to me and sung along, it was great.. I felt like maybe I didn't need drugs anymore.. maybe this was it?

I woke up the next day, and told them I was in pain so I was going to get a hot bath... I went in there, and took 2 xanax 1mg pills, and started the tub... I crushed up a 30 mg dilaudid capsule and 2 30mg morphine capsules... I poured them out onto a magazine and I set it in the window frame... I got a qucik bath, and dried myself off... Then I got dressed... as soon as I was done, I sprayed cleaner in the tub, and scrubbed it out with hot water... I put the tools back, and left the hot water running... and I snorted the 6 lines I made up, and went to breakfast..

I ate what they had there, well some of it, poridge and toast I think..

I drank a coffee, and sat in the tv room, staring to feel really high..  I only had 2 more xannax, 1 30 mg dilaudid and 2 morphine 60's left... I told myself I would do them the next day, then focus on getting better...

We went to a program that day, and I talked and talked.. but I put on a show like I wasn't feeling good (so they wouldn't know I was high) Although they probably knew anyway, or had some idea.
I went to lunch, ate some, and got an ensure.. then I played some guitar and wrote some.. a few short stories about myself  ( I wish I still had them, because I would post them after scanning them)

The next day came, but I took my two xanax to help me sleep that night, the nurse wouldn't give me a sleeping pill even though I was up all night... so maybe she knew I was using drugs... I rolled around for one and a half hours before taking the xanax.. 20 minutes after the xanax was taken, I slept like a baby..

I woke up the next morning, got a bath... and did the exact same routine.. only without the xanax.. I snorted the 30mg dilaudid first, then the 2 morphine 30's...
I felt great again at breakfast, the rush, the high... but I felt guilty.. I was putting on a show.. I was glad I had no drugs left with me... so that morning, after breakfast when they gave me my medication.. I didn't throw it up..

But, after 30 minutes of it being in my system, I thew up... I had too much in my body at once... I threw up a couple of times after that, but they wouldn't give me a gravol... it finally passed.. and I took my medication that night..

Over the next 8 days... I would take my medication like I was supposed to... I couldn't eat anymore.. and I was feeling withdrawal symptoms again.. but they were manageable..
I needed a smoke so bad though.... one guy that was there said he snuck in some chewing tobacco, but didn't like it..

I gave him 10 dollars in quarters for the phone for it.. and I was chewing tobacco all the time... Which I think detox patients should be allowed to do anyway, because no second hand smoke is emitted from it.. It's hard enough quiting your drug in detox let alone quiting smoking too. A lot of people leave just because they can't stand not having a smoke...

I find that a flaw in the detox system, and I think they would have people staying a lot longer if they were allowed to smoke. Even taken for walks off the hospital property 5 times a day to have a smoke.. it would help them out A LOT.

I ended up finishing the program, they wanted me to stay for 1 more day after the medication was done, but I wanted to leave... I called a Woman I knew, who was dating the old George guy I was working for..

She picked me up, and gave me a smoke, then drove me home... I came home.. and I thought I was doing pretty good... I lasted maybe, 3 days? Old George called me up and said "Hey, I've got some candy, wanna come over?"

My answer was..

-Neil.

I'm going to be writing daily again... I'm focusing on my blog like I used to... I've just been answering so many questions, and i'm so busy in my life, so it's hard to write everyday... but I'm writing at least 1 blog EVERY day from now on.

Thanks for reading guys! If you wanna contact me, my email is neilcalder1@gmail.com ... or comment on any of my posts with questions, comments or concerns.

Thanks for reading... Thanks for sharing..

How my interview with the Chronical Herald went..

I was so nervous before he came to the door, I felt sick to my stomach...
But as soon as I started talking to him, he was a really nice reporter, and the story came along great.

We talked about everything from my past, and how I'm doing now and all of the things i'm doing to help others.. We spoke for about two hours, so I know this is going to be a great story..
We talked about the format I'd like it in, and the message I want to get across with it.. it's great!

This is such an awesome opportunity to get my blog out there to other people who need it... it's going to help a lot of other people, and I'm so lucky to have this chance to get my story about there.

Thanks for everyone who supported me, and whoever called the herald and told them about this... Well thank you. You helped my chances of reaching more people who need this blog tremendously. Thank you for that.

I'll let you all know what issue it will be in, I'm thinking it'll be in either thursday or fridays... I'm hoping anyway.

Thanks to everyone who reads my blog and shares it with their friends and family. It's really taking off, and i'm so proud of myself..

-Neil

Creating my own mess..

Drugs intrigued me ..
I would search everything about them.. Before trying a new drug, I would visit countless websites to gather information on everything from how much I would need per kg of my body weight to get me high, to the L.D-50; or overdoes limit. I would search their chemistry, how they were made, what year they were discovered, and in some cases.. how to make them.

I searched up research chemicals, and how to synthesize them, but most drugs require materials not easily obtained by a 17 year old.. or so I thought..

With a little research, and scouring the Internet.. just about anyone could make certain drugs. This is quite scary, and although there has been some pretty strict protocols on the ordering of chemicals used in drug manufacturing; You can still find them with a little work and perseverance..

With a little work, and a credit card.. you can make anything from home-bake heroin from Tylenol 1's(with codeine), to more prominently created drugs like methamphetamine.

It all started with making hash-oil and hash.. which, sadly enough, is pretty much as easy as baking a pie..
Now although this isn't a high-tech drug synthesis; it still intrigued me to the point of making my own drugs.

It started with extracting codeine from tyleonl 1's.. then moved on to ordering drugs online..
I would order everything from legal drugs like salvia and Kratom, to drugs they use in veterinary medicine like ketamine.. All of which, was easy enough to find for a 17 year old..

Then there were drugs called research chemicals that you could order online. These drugs were at this point "Legal" and pretty simple to find. You can still find a source for them, but a lot of them have come under strict control policy lately because head-shops and online pipe and bong dealers have grabbed a hold of these drugs because they're being marketed under trade names..

The scary part, is after a qucik online search thismorning, I found a lot of these drugs under names like "4-X extasy" and "Herbal Plant food" .. I'm sure a lot of you have heard about "Bath salts" being sold in small packages that has the same effect as methamphetamine.. To me this is scary, reading up on deaths and the online ads where I can buy these really freaks me out. These are drugs, there is no sugar-coating it.. And the worst part is, none of them are F.D.A tested or approved. No-one knows the long term side effects of any of these drugs.. They could range from heart palpitations to causing cancer... we don't know, and won't know until it's too late.

People need to be informed (Not scared) of what's out there..  It's not the 60's and 70's anymore where the biggest worry was less potent marijuana.. the world is changing.. so is technology.. and so are drugs. These "Smart drugs" are simple to get, and I would post links, or more information about them, but I don't want them getting into the wrong hands..

Anyway, back to my story... I used to order all of these, and try them. I could get free samples from most vendors who were interested in making a big sale.. I looked up a certain speed like drug, and ended up making it myself in less then 4 hours with chemicals I could buy in my home-town and online. It took a few days of preparation, and I had to buy some stolen equipment from a friend at the high-school.. but it was actually quite easy. . Drugs are horrible enough when they're easily obtained in schools, but when a kid can go online and order "Legal" drugs with a pre-paid credit card, we're sort of pushed to take notice..

I'm writing this just to inform people. Go to Google and type in Research chemicals and see what comes up.. it's disgusting. Look at the name of these chemicals, then go to sites like wikipediea and look them up yourselves.. it's actually quite disturbing.

Thanks for reading. And sorry to get off track from my own story, but I feel as I have a voice, and a pretty decent following of my blog, I should at least try to inform people who don't know about these.

-Neil

Methdone Program may be coming to Amherst..

In our area, it's hard to get into a methadone program. The closest ones are either Truro or Wolfville..
I got a call from the Management at the opiate treatment center in Truro, and they let me know they were looking at opening up a clinic in Amherst.. But they need more people on a wait list, and more interest in order to make this happen.

I know there's a high need for this, and I know a program like this will help this area.. If you're interested in this, or have any questions please feel free to email me at neilcalder1@gmail.com . I can give you the number to be put on the wait list, and the more people we get the better.

Methadone has saved many addicts lives, it's a very useful program, and has proven results in curbing crime and dangerous behaviour involved in drug addiction.. This program would be a very important assest in our community, so if you're interested.. PLEASE feel free to contact me and spread the word.

Thank you!

-Neil

Need to contact me?

If you need to contact me, my email is neilcalder1@gnail.com
Most of you have found my email in my older posts but I like to make sure i'm easy to contact me.
Thanks!

Another day at work..

I called him and told him I'd be 30 minutes late... the problem was, he was the one picking me up..
I made some sort of stupid excuse..

The night before, my dealer was out.. I couldn't get anything.. and I was sick..
I could go to Marcus, but not until 8ish.. so I had to delay it as much as I could..

I finally got my pills, and went back home. I called him, and told him to come get me.. he did, and while I was waiting for him to come, I snorted a 24mg pill... I crushed the other one, and put it in my key-chain holder.

He picked me up.. and I remember him saying "Are you feeling OK now?" and I was thinking to myself.. does he know? .. I said I'm fine, I just couldn't miss an appointment, or whatever I said.

I was starting to get high, but I was worried... did he know? did he know I was a drug addict? I thought I had it hid..

Anyway, once the high kicks in you wanna talk, so talk I did... we talked about everything, work that day, Corb Lund, his favorite CD at the time.. We pulled into where he was living at the time. we had to hook the trailer up.
I've done this MANY times, and I knew how to do it..

I hooked it up, plugged the wires in for the lights.. but forgot to clamp it down... which is the most important part.. I put the chains on, which luckily saved it from getting ruined..

We pulled out, and got to the end of the driveway... as soon as he stopped, the trailer came un-done..
well it gave us quite a scare, and we got out...

"What the hell did you do back here" .. I hooked it up?" I said.. Did I do something wrong?" ... "Obviously.. you missed something"

I instantly knew what I did wrong.. anyway, we lifted it back up onto the trailer hitch, connected it right, then went on our way...

I knew I messed up because I was high.... I've never messed up before, and I'm sure it wasn't just a brain fart.. I promised myself I wouldn't use at work anymore.. this was a disaster, and it was only the first part of the morning..

We got back on the road, I told him I was sorry I missed that... and he said "it's OK man, it was just a mistake, not a big deal, just be more careful next time"

We worked the rest of the day... but he kept looking at me funny... I don't know for sure if he knew at this point or not..

We finished that working day, and everything was OK.

He came out that same night to the shed to drop off my pay, and when I came out.. he asked me again "What's wrong with you man?" I told him I just take a couple Valium when I smoke weed because I get so paranoid when I smoke it I can't enjoy it... 2 or 3 Valium takes that away" Which was a complete lie..

He gave me my pay, and was on his way... mad at me I think... well disappointed anyway..

So, this is maybe 10-15 jobs down the road after he stopped by to pay me at the shed.
... I was getting pretty messed up, using a little at work here and there, and stuff.. but this day, I was sick...
I was working my ass off, trying to get the day done so I could get home and get paid and score drugs..

We were at a nice older womens house.. she made us lunch, and snacks, and she was so nice to me.
I had to use the bathroom, so I went up stairs and entered the bathroom. when I was finished I washed my hands.. and my face.. I looked in the mirror, and noticed it was a medicine cabinet..
I was 17 years old... rooting through someones medicine cabinet. I looked in as soon as I opened it.. and I knew what I found..

Expired bottles of opiates... they were all prescribed over a year ago, and on the bottom shelf.. all the active prescriptions were on the top two shelves..

I found hydromorphone contin 12mg pills, 2mg dilaudids and 10mg percodan...
I could tell they hadn't been used in a long time, so I took some of them.

I took 15 12's out of the bottle.. which hardly put a dent in it.. I took 15 2mg's out of the 45 that were in there and I took 12  percodan. There was probably 30 in there.

I was tempted to take them all, but I knew if they found out, I would go to jail..

This was a VERY stupid and desperate thing to do.. I was sick... and when you're sick, nothing else matters..
This could have cost my boss MANY contracts and credibility.. Not to mention I could have went to juvie for doing this..

Anyway, I snorted a 12mg pill, and 6 2mg pills... I also swallowed 3 perocdan before I started crushing the pills...

I came out, and finished up work, we only had 10 minutes of clean up left... I jumped in the truck and we were on our way after getting paid...

we were going to pick his kids up from school/daycare, then we were heading home.. As soon as he picked his kids up, I started to get high... and then I started to get worried.. I didn't want him to notice..
I really liked his kids, and still do to this day, they were always really kind and very smart.

So I was talking to them, and I talked and talked and talked... and I'm sure my boss noticed something was up, but he didn't say anything. We stopped at where my boss was staying, and dropped off his kids, and the equipment. He had some stuff to do, so I played soccer with his kids, letting them win.

He ended up driving me home, and he paid me.. as it was a Friday.. I didn't think he noticed anything, but I later found out he knew..

Drugs as so scary, the best way to cure addiction, is to never try the stuff in the first place.. As any addict will tell you, there's no way you'll live a successful life while using drugs. Drugs are such a waste of time. Prevention is key, and I hope there's some high school kids reading my blog who have never touched a drug in their life. Because I guarantee you, one way or another your life will turn out similar to mine if you get an addiction.

Thanks for reading... if you need to reach me, my email is neilcalder1@gmail.com or leave a comment. Thanks!

-Neil

No school blues..

Not being able to go to school was getting to me..

I had so much free time on my hands, it drove me insane.. I ended up finding a new job. This job was great, and I loved going each day. My boss was an awesome guy, who was always there for me. It turned out to be more of a friendship then a professional working relationship.

The first day he picked me up, he seemed so laid back. I didn't figure he'd mind, so I popped two adderall in front of him. He said he didn't care at the time, but I could tell he wasn't exactly thrilled about it.

That day he worked me like a dog.. He told me he did because I took those drugs. He wanted to see what I was made of.. He told me he figured I wouldn't show up the next day. When I did, he said he was surprised. And he found it funny that I wouldn't take the pills again.

That day I had a lot of energy. I worked hard all morning, but the pills started to wear off...
He took me out for lunch, but I didn't feel like eating. I told him I didn't want anything, but he made me order.
I ordered an omelet.. and forced it down.
We went back to work, and he finished working me as hard as he could.

When I showed up the next day he was glad I did, he was also glad I didn't take those pills again, but little did he know my habit didn't matter. I would do them anywhere, anytime and I always tried to hide it.

Getting to know him and his family was great. We worked hard everyday, he bought be lunch, supper, coffee and smokes.. I got to know all about him, he was a great guy, and I was happy to be working for him.
The only problem with all of this, was my addiction.. and before long I let it get in the way.

We worked hard all summer. I was cutting back on my using, because I couldn't use before work, or i'd be tired all day. I ended up using after work. Every night. I was down to using once a day, which was a great improvement for me. But I started smoking weed more to compensate for my cravings.

I was making a lot of money, getting healthier, and for the first time, kindddd of had my addiction under control. It was easier to hide, or so I thought.. because I would only do it around 7:00. Stay out till 9:00, go to bed and go to work.

I thought I had it made, I thought I had it hid from everyone...

One night, I called my boss, and asked him to drop off 50 dollars out of what I worked so far.. I told him I needed to pay my parents back or something like that..

He drove down, and dropped it off to me. I ran out of the shed I was hanging out in with a few friends and got the money.. he looked at me and said "what the hell is wrong with you?" "Oh I'm just stoned I said"... oh yeah? Well you've never acted like that before... "Oh, I took a couple of Valium too, I'm prescribed it though, so it's all right"..

He could tell I was on something.... I didn't know he could tell... could everyone tell?
I was only taking a 24mg pill each night. that was it. And I wouldn't be sick unless I went past the 24 hour mark.

I took the money he gave me and traded it for pills.. I got 10 12's off  a guy I know for 50 bucks.. and that's all the had, so I did everything I could to come up with the money.. my last chance was calling my boss. And lying to him to get a cash advance..

This triggered a series of events which I'm not very proud of, and I'll get into it tomorrow.

Thanks for reading. And I'm sorry when I miss a day or 2. I've been answering lots of questions through emails I get.. and Its very time consuming! So I'm sorry, but i'm really going to start getting more into my blog again.

Thanks guys!

-Neil.