Another quick score..

Woke up in the morning, Again I was broke, and craving..

I asked myself this question almost everyday for 5-6 years..."How am I going to get a pill today?"
.. Sometimes it was easy... but most of the time it was a struggle, just scraping together 40 dollars a day when you're not working is harder than you'd think.. It's a full time job staying high.. but I always managed to do it..


It was snowing on a Tuesday morning.. I looked at my cellphone and had a missed call..
I looked... Diaz had called and left me a voice mail...
" I got my script... and I have an order for you to fill.. I'll give you a great deal on them!"

Diaz got 18mg hydromorphone contins... which were actually not that common, it's usually just 6's, 12's, 24's and 30's.. you don't see very much of the other ones..

And at the end of the message he said he has a present for me..

.. I got a bath, got dressed, and then called him back... He told me what he needed... which was pretty basic stuff... I had to go to Amherst to get it, because the stores around here didn't have what he wanted..

He wanted portable dvd players and mp3 players.. he asked if I could get a flip camera, and he said he'd take razor blades as well, any kind, guys or girls..

I paid someone 10 dollars to drive me up.. Which I had to lie about to get.. I asked the guy if I could borrow a pill before I left.. but he told me no... which pissed me off at the time... but I left anyway..

Once I got to Amherst I went to a few different stores..
At the first store, I got 2 portable dvd players which were worth close to 100dollars at the time..
They went in my backpack, and I was off to another store.. They had mp4 players, which also played video.. and they had 2 psp's on the counter...

The guy working was responsible for two departments.. and he was over in the other one.. I grabbed 3 mp4 players, and peeled the magnetic strip off them.. I slipped them into my coat after a quick check from side to side to make sure he wasn't looking..

He came over maybe 10 seconds after I had them all situated in my bag... He came over to me and told me I would have to leave my bag outside of the area.. so I walked around the corner.. and sat it there... I looked up and there were 2 psp's sitting on a ledge behind the counter where you pay.. I opened the zipper on my bag just enough to slip one in if I could get it...
I walked back through the metal detectors.. and started looking through the discount game bin..

He came over to me quickly... which scared me, and asked me if there was anything he could help me with..
I said "Actually there is... I'm looking for a new war game called _______ (something made up).. do you have it?" ... "Let me check in the computer sir.."

I waited... he checked and told me he didn't have it... I asked him if he could order it, and he told me he could.. he took a piece of paper and wrote it down.. then said he had to ask his supervisor to come over to order it... he left the area.. this was my only chance..

I walked over and knocked the psp onto the floor, it landed right beside my bag... this avoided the metal strip detectors... I quickley walked through them, and towards my bag.. I slipped the psp into my bag and put it on... And he came back... " Ok, he said I can put it on the order sheet... I just need your info, an I.D and a number where I can reach you.. "

I told him "I'm going to check a few other stores first, and if it's not there I'll come back here. "

"Ok sir, see you then"..

I walked out of the store.. than basically ran the rest of the way... I ran across a busy street, towards a grocery store on the other side of the area.. far away from the store  I was just at... I knew I had enough to get me through the week... but I wanted as many pills out of the bottle as I could get...

I walked into the next and last store... I grabbed a cart.. and a flyer.. I covered my face walking in with the flyer.. and pretended I was actually shopping in case I was being watched... I filled the cart with normal things people buy... I avoided the pharmacy area until the very end..

I had a re-usable bag which I had in the top basket of the cart..
As I walked towards the razor blades my heart started racing..
Most of the razor blades were behind a case that beeps when you open it... I opened it, and grabbed 4 of the most expensive blades in one stack.. and closed it... it probably looked like I grabbed one..
I grabbed a tooth brush, some toothpaste.. and kept an eye out for security, floor walkers.. or employees..
No one was around.. I grabbed some razor kits.. the most expensive ones there again... guys and girls.. and shoved them in my re-usable bag as well as my 4 packs of razors... After I did that.. I pulled on some wires that were right beside the plastic beeping case..

Well, I thought I would take 4 more and leave... but when I opened it... it didn't beep...
I took at least 12 packs of razor blades... again the most expensive kind.. and quickly left the area after chucking them into my bag..

I walked around the store some more, and made sure no one was fallowing me..
I went towards the produce section, and left my cart there.. sort of hidden.. I grabbed the bag.. and sat there looking at produce, but I was actually looking around for the best time to avoid the beepers... I saw my chance... no one was around... So I walked out, and lifted the bag up, and to the left of the detecter where it couldn't sense it.. I kept on walking... No beepers went off, and I just kept walking... I took a left towards the rest of the mall, and left through the main entrance..

I called the guy up.. and told him I got him more than what he wanted... and I needed a drive back... he told me to take a cab and he would give me the 23 dollars at the door..

The cab came quick.. and I jumped in... I told him where I was going, and we left...

The entire drive there was torture... I was getting sick... really sick.. and I thought I wasn't going to make it without throwing up or shitting right in the car... I finally got there, and he said "23 dollars please"
I told him I had to run to the door to get it... he told me I had to pay before I left the cab...
so I said "I'll leave my book bag here and my wallet.. obviously I'm coming back"
"OK" he said... "But be quick"

I ran to the door, and told him I needed the money... "Where's the stuff?" Diaz said.... I told him that I had to leave it in the cab... he gave me the money, and watched me go towards the cab.. he didn't trust me.. and Most dealers don't trust addicts..

I paid, grabbed my stuff and left..

I went inside with Diaz, and we went right upstairs to his bedroom.. his kids were home..
Which to think about is pretty disturbing now... but it was a routine to me..

I pulled out the razor blades... I had almost 20, I can't remember exactly how many.. but it was 17-20 packs or so.. He gave me 2 pills for each of them..

I pulled out the 2 portable dvd players, and told him I wanted 5 for each.. he agreed and gave them to me..
I pulled out the mp4 players, and told him I wanted 5 each for them too, but he told me he'd only pay 3... got 10 for 3 after some pickering..

He gave me almost 70 of his pills, and I still had a psp... He got 90 pills, and had 20 left... I told him I'd trade him them for the other 20... but he told me he needed them..

"Well how about 150 bucks?" ... "125?" Diaz said... No, I want at least $140.00 or I'll just go trade it for 5 30's to Marcus' .. which he would have gladly..

Ok, I have 130 on me, but the rest will be for the cab" ... I agreed.. and asked if I could use his bathroom...
He said yes, and I told him I needed a spoon and a plate... he already had one in his room because he used himself..

I snorted 2 of them, and walked home...I was gagging the whole way, and it was close to 2pm.. I was holding myself back from throwing up... but I couldn't help it... I threw up in the middle of the street..
But before going home, I went to the pharmacy, and bought some gum, which I chewed two pieces before I paid for it.. diabetic needles... I also got some polysporin and some Gatorade..

I went to the local store and bought 2 packs of smokes, then went back home..

I took another one of the pills.. and crushed it up and injected it..

I was super high..

I stashed everything in my room.. and thought about what I was going to do the rest of the day... just then I got a text...


-Neil

Feel free to contact me...

Email: neilcalder1@gmail.com.

I'm always around, so email me if you ever feel the need or have any questions about anything..
I'd love to help and I don't mind. I'll also never judge you, so please feel free.

-Neil

what's next?

It was 7 am, and I was about to be released from jail.. I asked for my last pill of the card, but they told me I didn't have any left... How could that be? I said... They showed me the card, and they were right... I was one pill short... But I remembered making 6 pills up... I was running late Friday night, so could I have missed them on the card? Forget to put it in the bottle... I started to stress out instantly..

For some reason, be it in my head, or actual withdrawal effects.. I started to get sick..
I left the jail, and went out to the car.. My friend Ned was there to take me home..
I asked him if he was holding anything, but he told me he wasn't.. he bought one 12 that morning, but already used it..

I asked him if he could lend me 20 dollars so I could buy a pill in Amherst and use it before going home.. but he told me he didn't..
The entire ride home I was gagging... I was checking through my pockets to see it had fallen out.. I scrounged through it like a crazy person, with a smoke in my mouth like a crazy person..

I couldn't find it... where had it gone?
I had no idea..

The entire drive home was horrible, it was only 20 minutes, but felt like an hour... I was stressing... I thought I had enough to get me through till tonight.. but I was wrong..

It took everything in me not to throw up.. I felt rotten, and I needed my fix..
Ned dropped me off, and told me he was going to work, he said he'd see me tomorrow..
I ran in the house, and mom was just leaving for work..

She asked me how I was doing, I lied and said I was fine, I told her I was going out for lunch with a friend, and she gave me 10 dollars... She thought I was doing well at this point. She thought I was sober since I got arrested..

She left, and I ran upstairs..
I tore through every piece of clothing I owned.. trying to find this pill..
I found empty capsules, and a needle I had in a sweater... but couldn't find the pill... I was almost in tears.. and I laid down in my bed.. I went to light a smoke, and I saw it... on top of my blanket.. it must have fallen into a fold... I shook it.. and got excited... I opened it up, and took out 1 bead and bit it.. it was hard, so I knew it was the right pill.. The Effexor itself was soft and easy to break.. but hydromorphone contin had a hard coating and it's easy to tell if it's real or not..

I felt like I was on a roller coaster.. that feeling you get inside your stomach.. when you're hair stands on end and you get tingles all over your body... even the top of my head was tingling, and I was instantly smiling.. but I felt even sicker... Due to the excitement I think.. and I was gagging..

I knew if I had snorted it, I would have thrown up... this had happened to me many times before prior to this..

I was going to see my friend, so he could fix me up.. but I knew I would have to split the pill with him... If I injected it, I would have enough to last me until the end of the night.. I wouldn't have to worry till the morning..

So I locked the door, and grabbed a plate and a spoon... I started crushing half the capsule.. it took me a few minutes to get it to a fine powder.. Then I grabbed a glass of hot water, and sucked up a full CC of water..
I bent the spoon so it was stand flat on it's own, and poured the powder into it.. I squirted the water into the powder and mixed it around with the back of the syringe..

I carefully picked it up.. and sat it on the burner.. We had a ceramic stove, so it sat flat and perfectly on it without moving.. I turned the heat on to 6-7 and waited.. It got hot pretty quick, and started to lightly bubble.. I shut the burner off, and started mixing it up with a tooth pick.. I made sure it was mixed up well, then moved it to the middle of the stove..

I opened up my cigarette pack, and took a smoke out.. I tore a piece of cotton out of the end of it and rolled it up with my fingers..
I dropped it into the mixture..

It instantly swelled up, and soaked up 90% of the opiate laced water.. I took the cap off the needle again, and stuck it into the cotton.. I sucked it up; It only took a second.. and I sucked up about half a CC of the mix.. the rest boiled off when I heated it..

My heart was beating like crazy...
I could feel the heat from the syringe.. So I put the cap back on, and stuck it in a glass of cold water..

While I waited for it to cool, I cleaned up my mess... I covered the spoon with aluminum foil to save for a wash.. and grabbed an alcohol wipe.

.. I sat down on the couch.. and put it in my arm..

I had just enough time to put the cap on, and shove it in my sweater.. Then came the warm blanket..
It's like coming in from a wet cold hike in the winter, and instantly being dried off and wrapped in a hot blanket from the dryer..

And I laid there.. for 2 hours... nodding off, and sort of seeing things when I closed my eyes.. Sometimes I would see evil clowns, or things from my child hood..

It's such a weird drug..

I woke up out of it, and got up and went to the computer...


{My next blog is half written, and I'll post it tonight... Then I'll make 2 more tomorrow to make up for my time away from it.. I'm sorry I have to write like this, but I'll make it work! Thanks guys!]

-Neil

Just rambling.

28,000 addicts a year die from prescription pain killers..
It makes me thankful everyday that drug abuse is all behind me..

You don't NEED weed every morning when you wake up..
But when you're addicted to pills, you're driven to find them... to take them, or you're sick.

It's crazy to think about how out of control my life was, and to be where I'm at today has taken a lot.. but it's easy now.. I rarely ever crave anymore, I don't have to worry and that's probably the best part..

I was on a break at work Saturday, and a police officer was there on a routine call for something simple..
I didn't know him because he was a new cop, but he was talking to a few of us who were out there..

He was waiting for someone to return, and it was just me and him there.. I asked him if he knew who I was, as it's a small town, and there's a lot of talk..

He told me he read my news paper article, which was cut out and passed around the office..
It's hard to describe how I felt.. As an addict, I never "Hated" the police officers, they were just doing their job..  and in a small town I knew almost every officer on a first name basis.. not from encounters with them.. just through passing by..

After being arrested a few times, I got to know them, and they always tried to help, offering me their phone numbers to call if I ever had a craving, and just needed to talk.. Trying to get me into clinics..

I remember one drive to court, the police officers weren't mean like you'd think.. they were actually talking to me, and trying to help me.. Passing me smokes through the divider, and actually caring enough to find out how I was feeling, how I was doing..

So being told that they're proud of me.. that they're happy I've turned my life around really hits home to me..
It's not just them.. Everyday I have at least one person who comes up to me, and tells me how proud they are of me, with a smile on their face and in some cases tears in their eyes..
Even people who don't know me are proud of me..

It's truley amazing... I've never in my life been as happy as I am right now..
I'm doing a good thing, I'm trying to help others, and it's perfect..
I have my family back, My life back..

I'm me again.. and you can't imagine how empowering it feels... It's things like this that drive me to stay clean, and to help others. I honesly believe I went through everything for a reason.. and it would be a waste for me not to give others the insight of an addict..  Most people treat addicts like lepers.. but now it's becoming a talked about issue.. something needs to be done, and I see it each and everyday.

I'm one of the lucky ones.. I really am, and I wish I could do more, and help more people..
That's why I want to become an addiction counselor.. I know I will make a difference.. it's not a question of if I will.. it's when I will.

I'm writing my next blog post now.. It's going to be a long one, so it might not be done for a bit.
Thanks for reading!

-Neil

update

Sorry for the lack of posts, I've been working 12 hour shifts and by the time I get home I barely have enough time to respond to my emails..

I'm writing a blog now, and I'll make up for not posting for 3 days.

Thanks for understanding.

-Neil

Methadone clinic coming to cumberland area..

We're trying to set up a methadone clinic in the Cumberland County area..
Mainly Amherst, and the surrounding areas.. but we need more people to call and sign up for the wait list..
I've seen it help SO many people, and most people you can't even tell they're on it.. they live productive lives, working and taking care of kids..

It helps so many people. They also offer suboxone.. so people should really start calling or passing this along to people they know who use opiates and haven't been able to stop any other way..

Opiate Treatment Program
332 Willow Street
Truro, NS B2N 5A5
Phone: (902) 893-4776


Ask to speak to Glen.


We can make this happen, so people in our area who don't have access to get to truro or wolfville can get the help they need!


Pass this a long, and share it!


-Neil!


-New blog coming sometime today, don't worry!  : )

County Jail..

So it had worked.. I couldn't believe it.. I felt like I was so smart, and had fooled everyone..
Thinking back now.. what did I accomplish? Nothing.. It wasn't that smart.. and I was only doing bad things... If I had put even half of that energy into something positive, who knows where i'd be now..

He shut the door, and I went straight to the bathroom.. I spit it out into some toilet paper.. and put it in my pocket.. I needed some tools to do this with, or it'd be useless to me..

I found a pen, and a hard piece of cardboard easily enough... but I needed something to crush the beads with.. and they're hard. They're not going to give me a metal spoon in here, so I had to find something else..

In the mean time, it's my first night here.. and I'm meeting some of the other guys..
They're all in here from pretty petty stuff... Shoplifting, one guy opened a car door and took the change..

Violating probation orders.. that kind of thing.. I was surprised I got weekends for what I did... but I wasn't "That bad" In the courts eyes.. I also plead a great case about getting help, and I was working at the time.. So they wanted me to keep my job through the week.

I found a pop bottle cap, and shoved toilet paper in the end of it, so it wouldn't hurt when I pushed down on it..

I went into the bathroom, and looked for a place to crush it..

I couldn't do it on the back of the toilet like I used to.. These were cold, stainless steel toilets with a sink at the back of them... No ledge at all..

.. I looked around.. I wasn't going to do it on the floor.. so I looked at the shower..
It had a raised ledge about a foot high where you got out, and it was stainless steel.. it was also flat and level..

I took a spray bottle of cleaner that was in the bathroom.. and sprayed it down 5-6 times.. and cleaned it with soap and water..

Then I emptied the capsule onto it. and started crushing... It literally took me 15 minutes to crush a little over half of them.. I knew they would be doing a check soon.. so I had to snort it anyway... I did.. and came out... 2 guys were MAD I took so long, and went in to use the bathroom as soon as I was done..

I didn't care... I could feel it coming.. my stomach felt empty.. it was growling.. and I loved it... I needed it..
This was why I was hear, but I didn't care... Nothing would stop me..

I sat back and started watching TV... The guard came in, and I was nodding off... I woke up out of my daze long enough to act sober.. but once he left my head was bobbing again.. I was out of it..

That was pretty much it... twice a day, the same thing..

I ended up speeding up the crushing process, by pouring the beads into a piece of paper.. setting it on the floor, and crushing it with the pop cap and my foot.. that way I could grind it, and put more weight into it so I wouldn't take 30 minutes in the bathroom after each medication check..

The guys had an idea of what I was doing... They thought I was just snorting effexor though... They didn't know I had switched beads...

I remember one guy asked me for a line, I told him no.. and he was super offended... He couldn't understand why I wouldn't share such a pointless pill with him..

My first weekend there, I met the guy who snuck out for smokes in detox a while back... He said that I told the staff there about it, which I didn't... but when someone basically calls you a rat in jail, you can't stand for it.. unless you actually are... I called him out.. and challenged him to a fight... cursing and swearing, saying what I was going to do with him..

..He backed down, and some guys broke it up.. He was only there for a few more weekends.. but every time  I saw him.. I'd give him a dirty look..

I got along with everyone else there.. and with the drugs, the weekends went by pretty quick..
And when Monday morning rolled around, I would get picked up by one of my friends who also used... and we'd go score some pills, and I'd go shoot up..

That was the routine for quite a while..

Problem Solver..

It's weird, but most drug addicts are actually quite intelligent, they just use that creativeness and intelligence for the wrong things..

It was a Friday morning... And I was broke...
I started up the computer, and within 2 hours I had close to 500 dollars..

I went and bought my fix, then went to inject it at a "friends" house..
I gave him a pill to cook mine up and inject it for me..
I left there.. and went straight to the hospital...

Like I said before, I had to start serving my weekend sentence.. But being a drug addict.. there was no way I could actually bring them in on me.. unless I wanted to bring them "In me" .. but that wasn't happening..
I needed a plan..

And within minutes, I thought of one..

I went to outpatients.. and complained enough until the doctor gave me a prescription to an anti-depressant.. and the largest one they make... He offered me another one called welbutrin.. but I turned it down, because that wouldn't help my situation.. I needed a capsule..

I took the prescription into the pharmacy and got it filled..
I then went home, and started to open the pills up, and empty them down the sink..

They were full of beads, just like hydromorph contin pills were.. They were a little smaller, but No one would notice..

I would be there from 8 at night on Friday, till 8 in the morning on Monday..
I was supposed to take 2 pills a day... one at 8 in the morning, and one at 8 at night..

I took 6 empty capsules, and filled them full of hydromorphone contin beads..
A 30mg pill would fit perfectly into them.. They were pretty much the same size..
I was also on 8 Xanax .5's a day... 2 pills 4 times a day..
So I took just as many pills as I needed in the pill bottles.. And left the rest at home.. Minus a few I was taking right before going in there..

It was around 6:00pm, and I went back to my "Friends" house to "Shoot up" One last time before going to jail... I couldn't sneak a needle in, so I would have to snort them.
It almost made me mad, because I could inject half a 30mg hydromorphone pill, and feel the same as if I snorted 2 full 30mg pills... With an even better rush..

I got a good deal on the pills today, but normally they would have cost 35-40 dollars each if I didn't have that cheap source... at $40.00 a pill, times 6.. that's almost 250 dollars, just for the weekend.. And I needed this EVERY weekend, just not to be sick..

My mom came to pick me up... and I jumped in the car.. it was around 6:30pm now, and I only had an hour and a half to get there...
On the drive up, mom bought me some take-out.. I ate it, and asked her to drop me off at tim hortons..
I told her I would see her on Monday, and gave her a kiss and a hug..

Right across from tims used to be a pharmacy.. It was the pharmacy the jail used... I knew this from my short stay there before.. and knew they put everything in blister packs..
I went to the back of the store, and waited in line... time was ticking.. I had to be there in 45 minutes or so, and there was an older woman infront of me, taking forever and asking a million questions.

I finally got the to pharmacist, and told her my predicament, and that my medication needed to be in a blister pack in order to receive it there... I asked her how much it would cost, and she told me she would do it for free..

Being suspicious, I stuck around and watched her, to make sure she didn't take the same type of medication from her stock and use it to replace mine... She didn't.. and I instantly had a smile on my face.

..She passed me two blister packs, and I was on my way back to Tims.. I brought some seram wrap, and decided to try to sneak some Tobacco in with me.. I took 10 cigarettes apart, and took out my pack of papers, and put 20 or so papers in with it.. I rolled it up really tight, and really small.. and hid it in my coat... I knew they strip searched you, so I had to make sure I could get away with it somehow..

I took roughly 10 xanax, and lit a smoke.. I walked across the street, and waited outside the entrance door to the jail..
I finished my smoke, then rang the buzzer... As soon as I pressed it, I lit up another smoke.

I pulled 2 smokes out of my pack, and planned on dropping them in the exercise yard while I was walking in the main yard.. but he was right beside me, and there was cameras everywhere.

I went to the front desk, and signed in.. I handed them my medication cards, and they handed me a bag of jail clothing.. They told me to take it into the holding cells, and someone would be with me shortly... I tried to find the package of tobacco, but I couldn't reach it ... The second I knocked it loose, a guard was right there, ready to pat me down..

He told me to take off my coat, and set in the closed cell... I slid it through the bars, with the pocket facing towards me, in-case I got a change to grab it..

He patted me down, then told me to strip down..
I had to take off all my clothes, while he ordered me to shake my hair, open my mouth, lift my tongue.. and finally bend over and cough.. It was humiliating.. but that's what you get when you break the law..

I put on the clothes, and he told me to sit there for a minute while he got ready to bring me upstairs..
As soon as he left I stood up, and started to walk around... I heard them yell "Calder, sit back down on the bench" ... He saw me on the camera... I guess I wasn't smoking this weekend..

He brought me up, and took me to a room with 9 beds in it, and 5 or 6 other guys... I grabbed a bed close to the tv hanging on the wall, and un-packed all of my stuff..
I went to brush my teeth, then came out... And there was an officer there... "Calder" He said..
My heart sunk...

"Come here for a second"... I thought he found the tobacco, or worse yet figured out about the pills..
...But he was just standing there with my medication cards.. I told him I needed the Pink ones firs..
He then poppd out an anti-depressant. and handed it to me.. I put it in my mouth, under my tongue.. and drank an entire cup of water in front of him.. I said thanks, and sat back down...

As soon as he left, I spit it out.. and took it apart..

Back home..

Before I stayed the night there, I decided to call my parents..

They asked me if I would come down and talk to them...
No matter what I did, or how much I hurt them... They still loved me. I was their son, They were there for me..
But they didn't want to see me with no place to go..

As soon as I went there, they were at the door hugging me... I had just done something horrible, yet they loved me.. They cared about me, and they wanted me back home.
They hoped and prayed that this would wake me up.. That maybe I would get it this time..

After an hour long talk in the kitchen, they told me I could come back home.. I had to stay sober, but as long as I did that, I didn't have to do anything else.. Just stay clean, and I was welcome there..

Now after everything that happened, you'd think this would be easy... but after I woke up the next morning.. The cravings started.. and there was no stopping them..

I woke up, and the first thing I thought of was getting high.. I couldn't think of anything else. I was consumed..
I looked everywhere for money, and I couldn't come up with anymore than 10 dollars.. I didn't know what I was going to do..

I was speaking with a guy I knew, and they told me that a guy we knew was looking for meat, and cleaners of all things..
And he was trading pills for them..


Wow, I thought... I know how to get a pill today..

I went to the deep freeze in my basement... We always had a lot of meat.. my parents would go to the meat market and pick a lot of things up at once.. So I knew I could take some stuff without them noticing..
I grabbed a few bags full... Then went to the cleaning cupboard..
I took a bunch of cleaners we had two of, or didn't use much..
Some of them weren't full... So, being an addict, I did what I thought was a "smart" idea.. I filled them to the top with water.. "They would never know" I told myself..

I took the long walk, in the winter.. with my bags in hand, I finally made it to the guys house, and made a trade.
He gave me some pills, and I went to go use with the guy I started injecting with....

His house wasn't too far from where I was... Maybe a 10 minute walk... but I could barely make it..
I was gagging, and coughing.. My stomach was twisting and turning.. I don't know why.. but when I would score, I would almost instantly go into some sort of withdrawal.. The cravings were that powerful..

As soon as the pills would be in my hand, I would feel sick, and gag..
I would also get excited.. I felt like I won the lottery every single time.. The emotions it evoked were powerful, and impacted everything in my life..

He wasn't there.. His girlfriend let me in... and told me he would be back soon..
Waiting for him was like waiting for a dentist to pulling a tooth... you dreaded it.. and it honestly took forever.
It took him maybe 30 minutes to get home.. but it felt like a week..

He finally got there, and as soon as he saw me he knew what I wanted.. he said hey, and went stright to grab our tools.. It only took him a minute to get ready.. and I had my sleeve pulled up..
As soon as it hit me.. it was instant relief.. No more searching, no more craving.. You take the tie off.. and within a few seconds, it hits you in the chest like a hammer.. Without the pain, it's so powerful, and such an extreme feeling, that once you're addicted you're willing to do almost anything..

This happened for the next few days.. but I ran into a problem.. it was Friday, and I had to go to jail from Friday at 8 to Monday at 8am..

I couldn't go this long without a fix.. or I would be extremely sick by the second day..
With this new challenge, came new solutions... It didn't seem like anything would stand in my way of using drugs... I just needed to be a little more creative...

Contact me..

If anyone would like to ask me a question, or make a comment.. Please feel free to email me at neilcalder1@gmail.com
Or add me to face book.
Anything you tell me is kept in extreme confidentiality.. I'm only here to help, listen and offer advice.
I get emails every single day asking me questions.. and I LOVE answering them!

Also, I'm speaking at a doctors conference tomorrow, and I'm super excited! I'll let you guys know how it went!
My life is great... It's NEVER been better... and I've NEVER been happier than I am now! Drugs are useless.. Unless they're prescribed by a doctor for a legitimate reason, drugs never need to be abused. There's other ways to deal with your problems that are more productive and make you life A LOT better.
Drugs are never the answer for anything.


Thank you all.

Have a great day.

Part 5 -Also my 100th post-

Sorry I haven't been posting as much as normal.. I just started working back-shifts, and I just sleep when I get home.. I've got a few days off, and although i'm busy preparing for tomorrow, i've got to get back to my blog. I miss it, and actually get cravings to write more.. So here it goes..

.. I couldn't believe the way it made me feel..
I couldn't imagine that anything could change the world and everything you saw in it.. I instantly wanted this feeling again... and for the rest of my natural born life...


I still remember I was sitting in a rocking chair..
My eyes closed... head sunk down into a chair.. and once the drug flew through my system... I could understand how there was drug addicts who used needles... if you try it once.. you don't think about anything else.. That's why prevention is the best deterrent for drug addiction... Education and examples work better than any detox or program ever will... Preventing it from even starting is the main part we need to focus on.. 

It's hard to describe..
But it INSTANTLY makes you feel like everything was OK, and you were doing well.. life was good.
I'll give a quick example... I was living in the slums of Dartmouth and hanging around Halifax (this is WAY ahead of this story)

I was on the ferry from Halifax that crosses over to Dartmouth..  I was sitting at the top of it, in a remote section.. I injected... put the cap of the needle back on, and sat there with my head between my knees... half asleep.. feeling this warmth travel through my body.. 
I threw my needle over the side of the boat.. and as soon as I did, I heard people yelling..

"He just through a needle overboard!" .. I can't remember what I said at first.. I was in a daze... I think I said "It wasn't my needle, I just saw it in the chair next to me so I threw it away from me"
Some girl said something about using a garbage can.. Then to tell the captain to call the police..
I went to the middle deck.. right by the doors.. and waited for them to open... once they did I just kept walking home fast..... yes, life was good I was thinking... it's a beautiful day outside.. Nothing can stop me...

The sad part is I was now a junkie... I had just stolen 500 dollars worth of groceries to get my fix for the day, and I still thought my life was going well... it tricks you; pulls a Vail over your eyes.. and you can't see the truth..
... Anyway, once I came to.. I said "That was the best feeling I've ever felt... Better than the first time I had sex"
And that's almost what it's like... like a full body orgasm, only more intense.. it's warm.. cozy.. and wraps you in euphoria and a pleasure blanket.. with your blinders to reality on..

I went into his bedroom, and talked to his girlfriend, watched some movies.. and I thought my life was prefect right now... little did I know it was about to crash into a million little pieces..

We used like that a few more times... It was amazing.. We would inject 4-5 times a day.. I thought this was perfect... This was the life I wanted to live now-Crazy way of thinking.. but that's addiction-

So I was walking down town to get a pack of smokes after injecting..
A police car drove past me.. and kept going... I was sure they knew nothing...
Until it turned back around, and came up the other side of the street... they stopped right in front of me..
"Fuckkk" I thought... They rolled the window down...

"Neil, Why don't you come over here for a second... I walked over...
They said "Why don't you get in, and we can have a chat?" ... I acted like I knew nothing....
"Talk about what?" "I think you know... Now we can do this the easy way, or the hard way..." .. I'll walk down there" I said... And I did..

The police station wasn't very far from where I was.. but my heart was beating pretty fast..

As I walked down.. I didn't know what to think... They didn't know anything.. There's No way they could have.. not now anyway... unlessssss..

I got there, and rang the buzzer... They let me in..
They asked me a bunch of questions... they KNEW exactly why I did... They knew EXACTLY what day it was.. and I knew how they knew all of this.. but that doesn't matter anymore. I'm glad I got caught for this. 

I still denied, denied, denied... I said, "I was never in there.. and there's no proof of me being in there, because I wasn't.."
"Well Neil, we've been talking to some people, We  also found blood on the floor and on a filing cabine twhere you tried to break it open with a knife,but the knife broke and you got cut... show me your hands and forearms"
" I don't need to.. I didn't do anything wrong.. and unless you're going to charge me... I'd like to leave"

Well, if you had nothing to hide, you would show us what's under your sleeves to prove yourself..

I rolled up my sleeves.. and showed her... I had a cut.... "Whats that from" she said... " When I was sledding, I went into the woods and scratched it when I put my hands up to block myself from getting hurt"

"Neil, just admit it"... "I didn't do anything"... "Well, we have enough to make you get a D.N.A order.. so the blood on the floor won't have your D.N.A in it Neil? "If you just cooperate you'll get less time.. if we have to go through all the work of getting your d.n.a tested, and everything... you'll end up getting prison time"

I was scared... I finally said "OK, I did it.. I did it by myself on Christmas ever night and that's all I have to say... so take me to jail"

"Where are the computers Neil?" I don't know... I met some guy from Toronto who was down... I sold them to him... I don't know his name" ..

"Now, I know that's a lie Neil.. and so do you... so just tell me where they are, and maybe you can get a mischief charge"

"I don't know.. I told you the truth, I was on a whole bottle of ativan and drinking at the same time Sorry, I just don't remember his name... Now can I go to the county?"


That night sucked... I had to sleep in the local police cells... I smoked a few smokes.. and passed out..
I woke up, and went to court... I plead guilty, and they held sentencing off until I could get some stuff ready with my lawyer regarding my sentence..
I went back to the holding cells for a while, waiting to get picked up... I looked through my coat again, just for shits... because I was getting really sick...

And low and behold I found 4 8's...

I asked the sheriffs at the desk about 40 feet away from me  for a magazine, a pencil and piece of paper.. They handed them to me...
I crushed the pills with the side of the pencil.. but some of the yellow came off onto the pills... So I just used my glasses... I crushed pills with the lenses from my glasses... In the same courthouse cell I used drugs in the other time I got arrested....

I snorted them... and I wasn't sick anymore..

I went back to the Amherst jail for 3 more nights... I went to court, and I was sentenced to 90 days of  weekends...  and 2 years of probation with strict curfew and restrictions... Which was actually an easy sentence considering what I did... and the "hard" attitude I had when I was first arrested.. I was also ordered to pay them 500 dollars..

I remember they had taken me to the doctors while I was there.. the doctor gave me Tylenol 3's and Valium to help with the withdrawals...
I asked them if I could keep them because I was on my way out the door... He said no.. but I could take 2 Valium and 2 30mg codeine pills since it was close to pill time..

I took them, and called a guy I knew to pick me up... I instantly asked him to take me to the guys place I was injecting with,...

When we got there, I asked the guy driving me if he'd lend me 20 bucks, because I was sick..
He said he didn't have it... but he came inside with me...
I asked the guy if he had anything... I told him I was sick, and I NEEDED something, and since I gave him a lot of pills the few nights before that he should hook me up...
He told me he was broke too... I was mad.. I thought he was lying..

..Then he said "Well I have this computer to sell... If I sell it I'll buy us each a pill"
The guy who drove me said "how much do you want for it?" "40 bucks"
"Deal... Here's your money"
He took the computer and left... and as soon as my drive left... so did buddy to go buy us each a pill...

He was back in 10 minutes.. but the wait felt a lot longer than that..
I was in his bathroom with diarrhea and I was gagging... trying not to throw up... Withdrawal was starting to set in hard... I needed this... I was super excited to feel it again..

When he got back, I already had my needle, spoon, and cotton ready.. and the stove was on...
I also had the plates out...

He had a 30 mg capsule, and poured half out onto my plate... I crushed it up... cooked it, and sucked it up..
Then I asked him to hit me...

I tied off, and he stick the needle in, and already had it in me before I could get a word out...
I took the tie off... and not even 5 seconds after that I felt it... The amazing rush... the thing i've been craving like crazy for..

My stomach tightened up, so did my bowels, and everything relaxed.. and my bones didn't hurt anymore... I felt on top of the world..

I had to place to go... so I went to a friends house I knew.. and they said I could stay there..
I helped them clean up, they had a big mess from their new years party a day or 2 before...
I told them I'd be right back... and I went to my parents house... And they told me I could stay there again.. but I had to be drug free... I told them I was... and surprisingly, they agreed that I looked sober..

I told them "I can't believe my life got this out of control, I'll never take them again in my life"
They believed me.... or wanted to believe me... so they let me stay...
But that didn't last long at all... and I'll get more into this..

This story gets A LOT worse before it gets any better... so be prepared.

-Neil

Part 4..

{Well my article is in the chronicle herald now..

I'm really happy with the outcome and the hits I'm getting to my blog.. I've only gotten 2 emails since it came out.. One was great.. The other... Not so much.

With everything I've done, I expect it, and it really doesn't bother me..
I'm proud of everything I've done, and everything I've accomplished. I changed my life for the better.. And that's about the only thing I could have done to actually have a life..

Thanks to everyone who's supported me, and helped me promote my blog.. I appreciate it more than you know. }




.. I got home, and went to bed..

I woke up in the morning, and was trying to remember the night before..
Mixing drugs like that really effects your memory, and you black out a lot..
I thought maybe this was all a bad dream... I couldn't have done that last night.. there was no way..

But after a quick search through my pockets.. I realized it was all to real.. and there was nothing I could do..
I panicked.. I felt scared.. What was I going to do?

I went downstairs... we opened presents, and didn't talk about the night before..
I left early, and didn't go home for quite some time..

I left and bought some drugs.. It was hard to find someone to sell to me on Christmas morning.. but there's always people wanting to make money..
I went back to the apartment complex where I had a spoon and a plate..

I crushed up the pills and inhaled through my nose... I sat on a chair that was in the lobby..
I didn't know what to think.. or what to do.. I was stressed, and full of anxiety.. how could I have done that? would I get caught? would I go to jail?

I bought 10 Valium while I bought the dilaudids... And I took everyone of them with a drink from the tap..
I sat in that chair for over an hour... smoking cigarette after cigarette .. thinking of what I had become..

Once the Valium kicked in... I didn't care anymore..
They do something to you.. it's like drinking a lot of alcohol, your inhibitions seem to melt away, and you really don't care what's going on around you.. you're just numb.

.. What was I going to do?

Being an addict, the only viable option was drugs..
So I sat and thought about how I could make more money, and buy more drugs..
I don't remember when I actually decided to go back.. but I did..

I snuck back in, and took whatever I thought I could make money off off.. computers, and monitors.. stuff like that.. I took it to a guy I knew, and sold them to him.. Then I went to Marcus and bought some more pills..

I had one small computer left.. and I asked Marcus if he wanted it.. he told me to plug it in, and I did.. but it didn't work at the time.. he told me he didn't want it.. he only wanted cash.. but while I was there, there was another addict from town that I knew..
"I'll give you 20 dollars for it" he said... "Sure"

So I bought my drugs... I bought a lot... I can't remember how many exactly, but it was enough for a few days of constantly using..
While I was there.. the guy I just sold the computer to -Chad- Asked me if I wanted to come over..

Not really having another place to go.. I decided it would be a good idea..
We walked to his house together.. and went in.
I didn't know him very well.. I had only seen him once or twice while I was buying..
I knew he injected though, so I was a little skeptical of going over at first... but I couldn't very well go home..

We sat at his house using.. he injected... I snorted.. and we both passed out..

I woke up the next day.. and he was already getting ready to cook up another pill... I still had quite a few pills.. but I knew they wouldn't last... So he asked me... "You wanna try injecting?"

.. I was nervous..  but a little excited..

Eventually I decided I would.. I asked him if he had a clean needle..

He looked around, and finally found one..

I reached into my pocket and pulled out a 30 mg pill..

He crushed it up, and grabbed a spoon from the drawer.. I poured the fine powder into the spoon, and took my needle and sucked up 2 syringe fulls of water..
He squirted it into the spoon, then sat it on the stove..

I watched it start to bubble up a little, as he mixed it with the back of the syringe..
He took it off the burner, and chucked a piece of cigarette filter in the mix...
He took my needle, and sucked up over half of the syringe full of the lightly grainy colored mixture..

He held it up, and flicked it a few time...

While he was doing this.. I washed my arm and used an alcohol wipe on it..
I wanted to be careful.. Which seems sort of irrelevant in a situation like this.. but I didn't want to get an infection or virus..

I used a string from my hoody to tie my arm off with.. and squeezed my fist a few times...
I was really skinny, and my veins looked huge... he asked me if I was ready... I took a few deep breaths to stop myself from shaking.. and said yes..

He poked it in... it hurt for a second, and then it was over..
I took off the tie...

I no sooner got "Is that it?" Out of my mouth when I felt it..

It hit me like a freight train..
And my entire world changed..

Merry Christmas (Part 3)

We walked back to his house, with everything we had..

There wasn't a soul out as it was now Christmas day.. or morning.. It must have been 1-2 am or even later..

I was in a drug induced stupor, and I didn't care.. I had given up at this point..
I felt that I had no one.. that nothing mattered. I felt like the victim in everything, my parents kicked ME out on Christmas.. How could they do that to ME? I didn't for a second stop to think about what my actions were having on my family.. To have them see their own son barely able to keep his head up on Christmas eve..

Having two other sons to worry about, and family coming over to visit.. I believe they asked me to go to my bedroom first, but I refused, that's when they told me to leave..

And having discussed this after everything that happened.. it was one of the hardest things they ever had to do..
It hurt them. and tore them up to even do that to their own son..
They had a lot of guilt, and felt horrible for some of that stuff.. but it was MY fault, they had tried everything within their power to get me help..

And they still didn't give up on me, they just didn't know what else to do..
They would never kick me out for long.. they just couldn't do it... No matter what I did, or how I acted.. I was still their son.. And that kills me.. That I could put them through all of that.

I sometimes ask myself "Will I ever use drugs again?" And I always come up with the same answer..
Sure I have cravings sometimes.. And sometimes when I talk about it, I'll miss the feeling a little..
But what I don't miss.. is how it changed me.. how it twisted my morals.. It was a free for all, and I was only looking out for myself.. No one.. and I mean NO ONE else mattered..

My own mother could cry in front of me, and tell me how much I hurt her by using drugs, and the behaviors associated with it.. and I wouldn't feel anything.. Not even a twinge, until I came down..

Then, why would I want to feel bad? Why would I put myself through any emotional pain.. when for 20 dollars I could make it all go away?

It's sometimes hard to believe I had turned into that monster, but it wasn't ME who was doing all of this.. it was my addiction.. the drugs.. and it's something I've had a very hard time coming to terms with.. It's still hard living with my past.. with the judgment, with people who truly dislike me because of all of this.. Things I wish to make up, that I can't yet..

But I need to move on.. This has all happened for a reason, and I can't let it go to waste..

Sure, drugs are fun.. they feel good.. But everything that happens and the person you change into isn't worth it.
I've honestly NEVER been happier in my life.. I've changed many peoples opinions of me.. and I really want to get across that it can be done.. you don't always have to live your life as an addict.. as a statistic.. doing whatever you can for these drugs you fiend for.. There's hope out there, and a means of becoming sober.. You just need to WANT it.. and you need to fill your time with something productive..

You need to accept that drugs have taken over your life, but you always need to accept that if you ask for help, you'll find it.. There's many great people working in the addiction feild.. People who will listen to you, and won't judge you... People who are there to offer advice..

In Canada, start with addictions services... You don't NEED to go to N.A or A.A..
Even if you're unsure of quiting, make an appointment with a drug counselor.. Just cross that bridge, and go and talk to them... If anything else, it's someone you can tell anything to.. They're bound my confidentiality contracts.. you could tell them you robbed a pharmacy last year, and they're not going to call the police on you.. It's a wonderful feeling to talk to someone, to get things off your chest..

and they have the best resources out there to helping you help yourself. They can get you into programs, or groups.. things you've never heard of..
You can't just give up.. There is a better life out there.. No matter where you came from, or what you've done in your past.. Today is all that matters.. and even though you have an addiction, you can beat it, and overcome the obstacle, and just move on with your life..

There is no life with addiction, it'll never be real, or feel real..
Now this all is my opinion, you may not agree with any of it, and you don't have to.. But if you're stealing money, or sneaking around to support your habit.. do you really have it under control? If you did you would have nothing to hide..

Just something to think about..

Anyway.. getting back to the story...

We were walking back to his house.. it's a small town, and I swear not one car drove past us, and we were carrying a TV we took from there..

Not a light flat-screen... but a large 32 inch or bigger television that must have weighed 40 lbs or more..
Right through the middle of town... the main street, which is actually called MAIN STREET.. after breaking into one of the only things this town has got for it's community..

So we walked into his apartment, or stumbled I suppose.. And I sat the TV down..
We counted the money we had found.. it was over 300-400 dollars.. we split it, and still had a big container of change..

We talked about getting dilaudids.. We decided he would go, because I owed Marcus' 100 dollars..
Plus he wasn't to thrilled with me, as I brought him a gift card that wasn't activated, and told him it was good. I took him a few before that were OK, so he believed me..

So out the door he went..I was pacing in his apartment.. I was coming down, and I was craving opiates like nothing else you could imagine..

He finally came back, all messed up, and barely able to talk... he said he got one, then instantly passed out on the couch.. I tried waking him up.. but he was out like a light.. snoring on the couch... I went through his pockets, and finally found it..

I crushed it up and snorted half of it.. I sat there while he slept, and waited for him to wake up.. I tried waking him up a few times, but he just wouldn't get up..
I sat there thinking... What was I going to do.. It was Christmas.. I started to sober up from the alcohol, and the dilaudids didn't kick in yet.. I was getting scared about what I had done.. I was fucked.. I could go to jail for this...what if I got caught..

I ended up deciding I would go home... I snorted the other half of the pill, and grabbed the container of change and I started  walking home..When I got there the door was Un-locked so I went in..

-Neil

Working on the next blog post now, should be in less than 2 hours..

Thanks guys!

Sorry for the last few days..

Sorry for not posting in a couple of days..
The site I host my blog on wouldn't let me log into my account on Monday/tuesday, then I started a new job Tuesday and worked a back shift..

I'm currently writing a few blogs to make up for the wait, as I've gotten a lot of emails asking where or how I've been..

Things are great, I've just been super busy, and I usually have 10-20 emails a day to respond to regarding my blog/advice.

Just a quick update, I've read my newspaper article, it's finished and sent to press.. It could be out as early as tomorrow, or on the weekend. I'll make a post as soon as I find out letting you guys know. It's in the chorinicle herald, and I'm hoping it will be on their website.. I'm pretty excited about it.

Thanks for bearing with me, but a few new posts will be up within an hour.

-Neil

Mery Christmas (Part 2)

So we left his house,
then walked over town.. We were both out of our minds, and had no idea where we were going, or what we actually planned on doing..

We basically stumbled over town, and made it to a motel in our town.. I'm not sure exactly what we planned on doing.. but we went up the stairs and started looking around..

We walked down the hallway, and I don't really remember a whole lot of what happened there.. but we were looking in a supply closet, then the guy I was with took off.. I was still in there looking around, and I could hear someone coming... I tried to hide, but he came right through the open door..

It was the owner of the motel, he flew in there and asked me "What the HELL are you doing here??"
.. I thought he was going to hit me he looked so mad.. "Get the hell out of here before I call the police!"
I had to brush past him sideways, then I took off down the hallway and down the back stairs... I ran as fast as I could, and ended back up and the guys house I was hanging out with..

We laughed it off, and talked about what we were going to do..
We thought we cold break into a place and steal something.. We just didn't know where..
I'm not sure who said it, but we decided we would break into the recreation center/ library in town...

It was an older building, so we figured they wouldn't have an alarm system.. We grabbed a butter knife, and went over there..

We walked over to where it was, it wasn't very far away from us..

We walked up to the door of the basement.. which was where the recreation center was located.. 
There was two doors, the first one was sort of a small porch area.. but the first door was unlocked..
We both went in, and shut it behind us.. so no one could see what we were doing..

It's a small town, and around the holidays no one was out... everyone was at home with their families..
but I was up to no good.. and getting worse every day..

We took the butter knife out and pushed it into the side of the door and the door frame.. it popped open in less than 5 seconds.. and we were in..
I unlocked the door and we started looking around..

There wasn't very much downstairs, but there was a back door leading to some stairs to the library part of the building.. It has a small lock on the door.. but it only took a few seconds to get that off..

We walked up the stairs..

No alarms went off, nothing happened.. it was so quiet up there.. and it was sort of eerie..
Just thinking about all of this is hard, and writing it and sharing it is even worse.. This was one of the worst things I've done.. I really wish I could take it back, but it doesn't work like that..
Of all the places that we could have went into.. we picked a place that helps other people, that gives kids something to do after school... This wasn't fair, and I really can't believe that I had in it me to do something like this.. it seems surreal now to think about, but it happened.. and I have to live with it... I just wish I didn't have to..

We looked around everywhere.. we looked in every filing cabinet, and every single drawer and desk..
We ended up finding quite a bit of money.. They were selling tickets on a gift basket, and we foumd that.. We found jars of change and envelopes with money in them..

Digital cameras and a lot of other stuff...

We ended up leaving, but that wasn't the last time I was in there during the holidays.. and I really wish it had of been.. but being an addict.. anyway to make money seems like a good idea.. especially when you're already under the influence of other substances..

-Neil.

(Sorry this is so short, it's my birthday, and i'm really busy.. so I don't have a lot of time to write about this... there's so much to this part of my story, and I need to have time to focus on it.. I don't want to miss anything, or rush through it and make mistakes. I'll try to write some more tonight!)